Windblown

I am still trying to hold onto my son. I want to send him to a rehab. I told him excitedly over the phone today, that I had found one. I was met with...No, I don't need that. I am gong to have a heart to heart with him about where his druggy lifestyle is oing to lead him...jail, death, hospitals. And I am going to say...do you really want to live the life your meth addicted Father chose? Because he didn't have a chance at recovery...but you do. You have famiy support. You are lved. We want to see you have a wonderful life and are willing to spend the money on a good rehab to see that you have the chance. Are you really like living in your car, couch surfing, being hungry...you can change all that but you have to want it. I know you don't want it now, but when you do, know I am there.

I tried calling him back to say that but he didn't answer. The man he is living with says my son takes off for 3-4 days at a time and comes back and sleeps for 3 days. I told the man that my son had a drug problem and that I was trying to help. He muffled his words and said my son was on his was to Long John Silvers to eat. So i called the restaurant and said it was an emergency and described my son and they said he had left ten minutes ago.

I have not done well today but I am going to a meeting tonight. I have prayed and cried but I am not ready to give up on my son. I have not given him any money. And will not help in any way that feeds his addiction but I'll be damned if I'm going to do nothing. He needs to know how I feel too. I haven't told him because he's hard to reach.

I can not live with myself if I don't offer a chance at rehab. The rehab counsellor said to just ask him to lunch and if he would mind going with me to a free 30 min. counselling session. Then maybe the rehab guy could talk him into getting into treatment. Otherwise the interventionist is $3000.00 and sounds very good but my husband will flip as he is already been burned by my son. My Mother has offered to pay 15,000 for rehab...but that was 5weeks ago when it had just happened and my husband said no...don'tbwaste your Mother's money...AS isn't ready. God told my Mother to take him there but I did what husband wanted. He could have been saved. Now I notice my Mother has not ffered the money and I don't know if I should ask her. I have also heard interventionists can sometimes blow up and the addict gets upset and walks off.

I am going to a meeting tonight. I am workng on step 1 but I am not even close to living it. I am trying. My sponsor had me buy the book The 12 Steps...A Way Out. I am working on it. The childhood stuff is a little difficult. The more I see hope in my recovery, the more I want it for everyone. Why can't live be one big happy family?

Windblown

The free state funded rehabs have a 5 month waiting list...that is why I am going for the other. But my son isn't...yet. Also the interventionist said the addicts who get help are the ones who have been persuaded and helped or led by concerned friends and family into treatment. That the addict rarely goes to get help on his own. This is different from what I hear at naranon. Which is true?

Ann

Windblown, I say this with love in my heart as another mama of an addict...you are just going to wear yourself out trying to save someone who doesn't want saving.

I'm not telling you to stop, I'm not telling you to let go and let God, and I'm not telling you to grab a sponsor and start working hard on your own recovery...because I know firsthand that you won't do any of that until you are completely exhausted and maybe broke trying to "fix" your son.

I love my son just as you love yours. I have been where you are, and I didn't listen to those who went before me either. I had to teeter on the edge of death and hang on to my sanity by only a thread before I finally surrendered and turned it all over to God. When I did, I immediately found relief, and a new path of hope for myself.

I hope you find it one day soon too. Until then we will share our light until you can find yours.

Hugs

OwlFeathers

******{windblown}}}}} I am so sorry. I know how you feel, really. I have tried and hoped with my daugher for over four years now. It is so hard. It does need to be your sons idea for rehab though. Get the information and provide it to him, and from time to time offer it up. Sometimes intervention works and sometimes it doesnt. In the meantime, try to keep yourself in balance. I allow myself five to ten minutes each morning to cry, and then I go on with my day and usually do pretty good. You never have to give up on him, but realize it is his choice to make, and all you can really do is assure him of your love, and be there for him when he does decide to make the change.

OwlFeathers

I agree with everything Ann said. When you get exhausted enough, you turn it over because that is all that is left to do. Please know we are all here for you!
****** big hugs}}}

suki44883

I can not live with myself if I don't offer a chance at rehab.

Hon, you did offer it. He said no. Please believe him when he says he does not want it. Have you been going to your meetings regularly? You seem to do so well and appear so strong, but after a few days, you kind of melt into a kind of mother hen goo, and start trying to control him again.

dollydo

To me,you are going off the deep end. Your son has told you over and over again, he is not wanting recovery, he understands what you want, however, you do not seem to understand what he wants, at this time in his life.

"He could have been saved."

You don't know that, you are projecting. He most likely would not have gone, or completed the program. As, he has not reached his bottom, he will not be ready until he is ready, and, not one moment sooner.

Have you seen your therapist lately? Please consider getting some help for yourself, it might help you to calm down and stop obsessing.

I know that you want to "help" your son, however, the more you push him, the more he will pull away from you, smothering is not the answer, unfortunately, it works just the opposite way.

He knows that you love him, really...he gets it....when he is ready, he will find his own recovery program and he will embrace it.

Work on you, if you are not in control of you, you are of no benefit to your son.

My best...Dolly

Ilovemysonjj

Wind, I so understand this compulsion you are going through. It is 90% in your head. Your son is relishing his freedom and lifestyle and unfortunately,right now he doesn't need you for anything. Trust me, I know as this is exactly how I felt when my son moved out in Jan of 2011. He was a complete and utter mess. I micro managed him with daily texts, fed him, gave him gas, etc and all the time he was using H. He was however loving his lifestyle and loving his freedom. Your son knows you love him and right now he doesn't want anything but his freedom.

He will either HIT BOTTOM and call for you OR he will SURVIVE until he chooses another way.
They KNOW we love them and it is really our journey in letting go. I struggle sometimes hourly with this, as my compulsion is to call the rehab and see how my son is doing. I realize I am much of the problem in our relationship so I am trying to step back and let him be a man, though a young one, he is a man. Hugs and support from one Mom to another, all we can do is let them go.
Teresa

It is the hardest pill to swallow as a Mom.

Windblown

O.K. Guys...Thanks. I am going to four meetings a week, have a new sponsor, and calling two to three people in program a day. I read the literature every morning, I pray. My husband and I are going to talk to an addictions counsellor friday. I do better some days than others. I appreciate your noticing the pattern. I am prone to depression and under a drs. Care but take only the anxiety meds and only when needed. I am so scared of drugs that I only take one a day and sometimes none unless my anxiety is super bad. The mood stabilizer makes me stupid and spaced out and fat so I dont take it. I have been on every med for bipolar 2 there is and the side effects are so bad or the drug stops working that I have been without them and relatively stable for 7 months.

I liked what you said about pushing and smothering makes them go the other way. For some reason that made me just let go. I won't call him again. I'll wait for him to ask...I mean I hope I will.

Sorry to bother you guys...it's like they say..one step forward and three back. Trudgeing on. Do you know I feel guilty when I spend money knowing he doesn't have any? Even going out to lunch. Ugh. No more mother goo controlling hen...maybe I should go see a therapist ascwell as the meetings.

suki44883

You aren't bothering us at all. We do understand as we have pretty much all been there. This is HARD. Just know that we are on your side and will help in any way we can, but we will always, always be honest with you. We are here to support you.

dollydo

We are here to support you and others who are in pain. Sometimes, due to our experiences, we can "see" things that are not evident to those who are currently in the trenches, battling that devil called addiction.

When I began fighting the devil, I felt overwhelmed, the wonderful people here guided me, supported me and gave me the strength to do the right thing for all concerned.

Post whenever you need to, trust me when I say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will get there, be patient, try not to overreact, when you feel overwhelmed
post, read the responses, absorb, decide, then respond to the issue.....calmly.

As ever...Dolly

Windblown

And i appreciate your honesty...so much. I just made an appt. for a private therapist in two weeks and put myself on the cancellation list. I am worn out. I am going to the meeting early because I can't sit on the purple velvet couch anymore that has become my sanctuary in isolation. Tomorrow I will be walking again with my cute young neighbor and her newborn baby. I will focus on my recovery, not his. Hugs and prayers of peace and freedom to all you loving souls. Being a clair-sentient empath is a gift and a curse. Off to the meeting. Love and hugs all around!

Windblown

I want to kill that devil addiction....murder that devil...stab it in the heart....oh wait it doesn't have a heart...at least rip out its horns and roll over it with my little mini cooper dang it!

How do we annhialate it?

Bye for now...blessings to all

OwlFeathers

Wind, you are never a bother! Oh, I feel the same way sometimes. Just yesterday I was in meltdown mode all over again. It is like a damn rollercoaster. But I have noticed that the meltdowns are getting further and further apart. I am just so glad that I found this site so I can always have someone on hand who knows what I am going through. I just keep working on myself, my journey... and I think it is so important to remember that we do have our own journeys... to not get lost in our loved ones journey through addiction. We can be a guide post for them, but we have to live our lives too. Wind, you are so much stronger than you know. Really you are! Glad you are walking tomorrow and working on taking care of you!

Ilovemysonjj

Hang in there everyone! I also want to thank everyone who posts on this site, it is my lifeline to sanity. I read the posts and I feel everyone's concern and support. It is a freedom to know we can say anything without fear of judgement AND that the only thing everyone is concerned with is supporting the one who needs support.
TT

Ann

That's a wonderful place to be and often the turning point. You'll be okay, and yes, walking with a friend can be great therapy too.

Hugs

tbeit

Windblown you sound like a great mom.I am a recovering addict and can tell you that when your ready your ready. I have a problem with the whole intervention thing in NA we call it 12 stepping and it doesnt cost a thing.
I am also very familure with the bp2 diagnosis and all the horrible drugs that go with it.The way I keep mine in check is I work closely with a therapist and try to think things out before I react.
You sound like such a nice lady please do something nice for you and your husband today

addictionwife

It breaks my heart to read your words and hear the pain in them...and know exactly how you feel. My husband has also broken my heart and turned me into a crazy version of my former self. The therapy is a good idea, focus on you. Look at it this way. The stronger and better you are for yourself, the stronger and better you will be for him when he's ready for you to be. All my love and hope is with you, and yes. Please do something nice for yourself and your husband today!

outtolunch

Getting help is not the same thing as recovery.

An interventionist's livlihood depends on persuading families to fund the intervention and subsequent treatment.

I paid out of pocket for multiple interventions and back to back rehabs. My daughter's last rehab, a dual diagnosis facility, was deep into the hiils of Malibu horse country. It was small and there was a one to one therapist/guest ratio.

I manipulated my daughter and did so because I saw it as life or death for both of us. She relapsed hard within hours of her eventual return. She was lucky. Her friend OD'd within hours of her return from rehab a few months later.

I think eventually, experiencing the death and/or imprisonment of every single addict she knew made an impact. She lost her protection and knew she was going to have to hit the streets alone and do what a girl has to do to sustain addiction. She had nothing at the time. Even her underwear was gone.

She turned her own life around and did it her way, in her own timeframe, when she was ready and did so without the benefit of rehab.

Looking back, intervention and rehab gave me some peace of mind that I did everything possible to save and fix her and in doing so, fed my codependency. Rehab is business, big business and not a cure. The effectiveness is as good as the guest's motivation to learn and use the tools of recovery.

Chino

It probably would have been a lot more accurate if the interventionist had said "addicts who go to inpatient rehab"