addictionwife

Hey guys. I'm really confused about what to do I guess. My husband who if you have read anything by me is addicted to pain meds and recently started doing coke. I found out about a month ago and it's been nothing but drama since. He asked me to talk the other night and I did. He seemed so...him again. He told me about his Doctor he has been seeing, getting on the suboxeon is helping he says, and he feels better. The Doctor also gave him a referral to a Pain Management Center so he can get help for his back problems without drugs. It all sounds so good but....I'm scared to believe him. I know when we spoke he was not high, and he's brought me two paychecks since all of this started and they were full paychecks. I know because for once he brought the actual check instead of cashing it before he brought it to me. Funny how much more money there was, lol. He wants to come home, and I miss him so much. I want him home too. The kids miss him and have been asking questions and I just want my husband back so badly. He says he is going to meetings and that he has appointments to see his Therapist once a week, and even said he wants me to drug test him if it makes me feel better, that he won't fight it. He said that testing him would even make him feel better because he's proud of how well he is doing. I want sooo badly to say yes. I asked for a few days to think about it and I guess I just need advice. I'm so torn. I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Or of my kids being hurt. Am I a fool to believe that he is doing well and let him come home?

suki44883

The only way to know if he is serious about recovery is time. As Anvil said, anyone can do it for a couple of weeks. If he can stay the course over several (at least six) months, then you might consider letting him come back home. Until then, you can't be sure that he's serious about recovery. He shouldn't be doing it for you or the chance to come home anyway, he should be doing it for himself.

verylost

I'd give it more time. My AH is out on his own and has been for one week, he is claiming he's going to prove to me he can stay clean. He sounded like all was well when we spoke yesterday, but let's be real a couple of weeks is easy. Plus...I don't really know what he's doing with his time alone. I think for me it's important to see what it feels like to not have him here...and other than being lonely...it's been so much more peaceful and that's with two small children and a house I need to sell. Anyway...I agree with everyone else give it 6 months at least.

lesliej

unless we ourselves have done REALLY really SOLID work in codependency or al anon we will inevitably end up enabling an addict and hurt ourselves (and/or children) in the process. You have to dig really really deep and peel away layers and layers of denial.
is there a rush? is the short term "clean time" anything solid to base a living decision on?
I am deep in recovery as double winner and was deceived into enabling when I wasn't even aware of it! Our love and tenderness, and loneliness, can blind us to the cunning baffling POWER of this sickness which includes so much shame that it manifests in a compulsion to hide oneself with lies.
Not having to lie.
Not being around those who love, who almost...want...the...lie.
That is freedom for the addict to heal. Perspective of what is lost, what might be regained, in the work of recovery...that is space to live with self. Space to find the self, the small, hurt, hiding, terrified of self truth...that each and all of us contain.
Make a decision, to give each child of this earth the space to live in the freedom of truth.
The man I love is suffering, struggling with his addiction to crack. He is brilliant and beautiful. I want him. If he is around me he will try to prove how well he is doing, so that his scared, weak, struggling self will feel worthy of love.
By not being with him...right now, early recovery, for at least a few months (at least!) I give him the gift of self space. He won't have to hide. He might learn to yearn for love, for freedom from the addiction that kills him. Love will save him. His own self love. No one can fill that hole but him and his higher power. I, at this point, only will get in his way.

Peace.

outtolunch

Just one week ago, he was using according to a prior post.

Suboxone is not a magic cure. In fact, most substitute an opiate for another drug because it's all about the high. This can happen in a few days, weeks or months. In other words, it's often a brief pause in the cycle of addiction.

Addicts have ben gaming drug tests since there have been tests. I think you want a life partner not a prison warden relationship.

Why not give this 6 months to observe his actions instead of his words.

Use that 6 months to work on yourself and codependency. Learn how to entertain yourself, be your own best friend and refine your boundaries.

dollydo

Why not give it time, what's the rush? If he can stick to a recovery program and not use for a minimum of 6 months perhaps you can review the relationship.

You won't die due to "missing" him. Think with your head not your heart, be realistic.

arch2000

Everyone is going to give you their own opinion on what you should do but only you can decide what is right for you. Are you prepared for disappointment is he relapses? Are you ready for the ups and downs of his moods and wondering what he is really doing when he is not their with you. It can drive a person insane if they are not prepared to handle all that comes with dealing with a loved ones addiction. I have detached from my AH's addiction the best I could. He will be 30 days clean on 11/19. I am proud of him but I am not ready to take on his recovery just yet. What I have done is allow him more time with myself and the children,but I know he needs to focus on himself. My AH also has a drug counselor he goes to once a week and he attends at least 3 NA meetings weekly. He likes me to attend with him and I go if I can, usually 1 meeting a week, last week none at all. He sought the help of his doctor and is now on an anti-depressants. It seems like each week brings a little more out of him good and bad. I see this and it makes me wonder how much more needs to be revealed? He will be with the whole family for Thanksgiving (70 people) and as long as he stays clean he will be here for Christmas, which should be around his 60 days. I don't want to rush anything because none of this happened overnight. He didn't get addicted overnight or a couple of weeks and he won't be better within that time either. Time will let you know how you really feel and how much he really wants sobriety. I've asked myself many times over the past few weeks if I even know my AH anymore. I think he has to really begin to recover so I can get to know him all over again. If you think about it living with an addict is essentially living with a stranger. Take time to recover yourself. Let him continue on his path and really get to know eachother if/when the time is right. My heart goes out to you because our stories are similar, and I know how much it hurts. I threw myself into both of our recoveries and then realized I had to step back. I don't know why it was so easy to do. Maybe I am not that co-dependent. I just knew that I wanted what was best for everyone involved. I still feel sad and disappointed. My kids still miss being with both of us all of the time, but in the end we will all be better off taking our time. At least this way I know my kids are safe and being well taken care of. That is my story as it is currently written. I haven't figured out the middle or the ending just yet. I am not going to give you advice. I am just going to say you are in charge of YOUR story.

Farfalla

[QUOTE=outtolunch;3169440]Addicts have ben gaming drug tests since there have been tests. I think you want a life partner not a prison warden relationship.
QUOTE]

Wow! This puts it into perspective for me. I don't want to have to be the prison warden when my AH gets out of rehab (if he sticks it out that is). I have spent so much time looking for drugs, wandering is he high, who is he with, where did the money go, etc. It is too exhausting. I wake up now, get my son off to school, no tension, no drama, no fights. I am peaceful. I am so unsure if I want the addict back in my life. It is funny he said before he went into rehab "you know I love you if I am doing this". I replied you have to embrace recovery for yourself not me. It will never work if he is there with the attitude he is doing it for me.

I believe Suboxen is a crutch. It is important to work on recovery. I believe Suboxen and Methadone are only substitutes. This is JMO.

hello-kitty

This is so true. Our culture is so into instant gratification these days. Codependents and addicts are particularly bad. We want it. And we want it now.

The best things in life are worth waiting for. Rushing into things, changing our minds back and forth, back and forth, being unable to follow through on our commitments to OURSELVES... none of this is good for us. None of it indicates recovery or personal growth.

I needed time to work on my own recovery from codependency - to become a better person. While I was doing that my ex could have worked on his own recovery from addiction. He didn't though. But maybe yours will... who knows. However, if you don't allow him the space to do that, then my Magic 8-ball says "Does not look good for future".

hopeful0323

I told my AXBF that we would not be even thinking about getting back together until he was 6 months to a year clean. Now, I am not even sure I EVER want to be with him again. I don't know if I can deal with the chance of him relapsing and dragging me and the kids through hell again. I now feel like I may someday be able to have a truly healthy relationship with someone else as I face my codependency. No one can tell you what the right decision is but sometimes if we just wait a bit, the anxiety ceases and we are able to listen to what our brain is telling us to do. Best wishes and prayers.

addictionwife

Thank You guys. I know that what you are saying is the right thing to do. I don't want to be a prison guard or worry everyday. I know the smart thing to do, guess I just needed to hear someone say it or something.

Thruthethorns

My husband has been out of rehab for 45 days. He goes to his counseling but he is so angry still and blames me for he addiction to pain meds. My daughter & I have moved out and he is alone at the house. He is so contradicting. One day he hates me and the next he doesn't. Is this normal? I run into mutal friends and they don't even know we have separated - it is like he is in denial still to himself. I am not allowed to say the word addict or addiction to him either?? I am trying not to respond to him, but after 16 years of marriage it is hard. I feel like I have abandoned him, but I feel peace and saftey now that we ahve our own home. Any words of advice from anyone?

wicked

Hello Thruthethorns,

He could very well still be in denial. He wants things the way they were when he was comfortable and doing his drug of choice. If he still blames your for his addiction, he is clearly not doing the work he needs to do on himself.
You take care of you. Have you tried AlAnon? Or read Codependent No More?
You will find you are not alone and there are ways to deal with your feelings about what is happening.
I am a recovering alcoholic and a codependent. This is from my experience.

Beth

PS
I used to live in Fayetteville, right near I-95. Hwy 23? Gosh, it has been years.
I have relatives (by marriage) that live in Hope Mills.
I miss NC. Michigan winters are starting to wear on me.

:ghug3

outtolunch

Rehab is not a magic cure. At best, it's an opportunity to teach a highly motivated person some of the tools of recovery. I think you nailed it when you said he's still in denial. It's up to him to use those tools, or not.

You don't need his permission to speak, do you?
He owns his own recovery or not.
Take care of yourself and protect your peace and serentiy.

hopeful0323

Thruthethorns,

I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know I went throught the same issues with AXBF. He blamed me for his addiction. I also was only his gf when it was convenient for him. So your not alone with these hurtful actions. If you are not already, seek out alanon or naranon to help you cope with the pain his addiction inflicts upon you. Going to alanon has made it possible for me to make the right decisions for me and my children. Also when my AXBF acted like this I knew that he was not truly embracing recovery. Hopes and prayers for peace and serenity in your life.

outtolunch

Addiction demands the addict to protect and sustain it at all costs.
It's not personal. Just feels that way when we make what we do not control, all about us.