icutrauma1

Moved this from newcomers:
Hello to all and great admiration for those of you that have made recovery your life, living in recovery. Last night I came to have an understanding of how strong ones as yourselves get high with your recovery.

My story is an old one but my experience is new for me. My GF of 5 years ran out on me again as her drug use was escalating. Her doctor noted she looked like she was coming from a crack house. Nevertheless, he was going to discharge of her care & weekly suboxone if she did not go to rehab for a minimum of 3 months. She had told me she would go for 3 months if she lost the job I got her at Nordstroms. That was back in August. I enabled her.

She is gone & what I need for your support is she left and raged on me with text messages & emails w/ another mail addict cohort of how I abused her, I controlled her w/ my money, I only wanted her for sex, how she was now free on my control.

I had always been delicate with her intimacy due to her life in the sex slave industry and realize she was never intimate with me it was only cold distant sex. Thats ok, but I have attempted to be consistent with her and these accusations make me wonder where I let her down.

She also blamed me for feeling worse & worse about herself & it was me causing her self-esteem issues.

I came to know her for 5 years. She is 25, 1/02/2012, her addict life started when she was 16.

Educate me please. I know I enabled her a great deal and I want to be strong if & when she calls me up at 3 a.m. saying she has had enought and she is wiling to do anything to come back. I do not want to let her in my house again or my life unless she is living a life of recovery. I do not want a life with addiction anymore which I now understand is a life without her, her lies, manipulation, stealing, unfaithfulness(?), selfishness, coldness, uncaring, drug connections, dealers, addicts knowing my business.

Educate me, please.

outtolunch

Addiction demands the addict to protect and sustain it at all costs. We codependents become the replacable 3rd wheel so long as we continue to enable addiction/cushion the consequences.

lesliej

the nasty blaming emails are almost easier to put aside...
then, later, come the "loving, soothing, sweet, sad, begging texts.
my ex (first time I used that word) addict boyfriend moved out two days ago.
i know that the messages will come. my own addiction, the codependency that i've been working so hard on) still has an inkling of [wanting] those messages to arrive.
I want to believe, I want to believe he loves me and wasn't just using me, i want to believe he will get better, i want to believe all the sweet powerful ways he tries to convince me that he is ok. i guess if i just get downright and honest about it i want him to lie...because at this stage that is all it possibly could be. a lie. recovery will take months and months, if he can ever possibly really get honest, almost an impossibility for him.
if i want to have hope, if i love him and want him to recover and live, i need to stop being present in a place where he feels the compulsion to lie and say that he is ok...and that is IN his life.
will keep writing to try to gain conviction and courage to be accountable to my own words.
breaking my own denial is freakishly hard.
trying