EvokeTheDark

My husband has been addicted to heroin for many years now. And recently he's been relapsing a lot...at first it was every month, then every week, then every day. I know a decent amount about addiction I would like to think (I've been with him for 2 years and I've been learning the whole way through), so I'm pretty sure that nothing I'm doing is making him use. Also, he's relapsed before but not like this. All I've ever done is try to help. I ask him to tell me the truth if he ever wants to use or if he already has used and I've promised him that I won't get mad or leave him. I tried making him tell his docto
r, I tried helping him set a goal not to use for a week...everything I've tried has failed. The medication his doctor gives only helps with withdrawal, not cravings. I don't know what else to do at this point. He keeps constantly lying to me, and not just about drugs...about stupid things. I just don't get it. It hurts when he lies to me. It's not even the addiction itself I have a problem with at this point, it's the lying and sneaking around. I can't take it. I need help.

look4billw

This is out of my area of expertise.
I'm strictly a boozer.
I used my phone a friend option.
Hopefully some of the other threads in this forum will be useful.
I'll check in on things, there is hope and help here.

ninja

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I agree, the lying is the worse part. I was with my addict for seven years going through the same thing. I had to let him go. I eventually lost all respect as well due to the lying. We've been apart about a year now and I recently tried to make contact just as friends for coffee. He's still using and still lying about it.

Keep reading, you'll get lots of support here.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello, My son is a Recovering heroin addict. He lied and stole and took everything because I allowed it to happen. Your love for him is not enough for him to stop heroin. It is the most evil, soul stealing drug ever. My son said it was such an addiction, that his entire life revolved around using, getting the drug, using, getting the drug and lying every step of the way to cover his tracks. The lyining and sneaking around are part of the addiction's need to protect it at all costs. There are tons of excellent reading on this site, try reading the stickies at the top, especially posts by "cynical one".
Hugs and support from a fellow co-dependent.
TT

EvokeTheDark

I can't leave. He's all I have. I have my own mental health issues and my life is worthless without him. It's not an option to me. I've gotten mad before to the point that I kicked him out for a day, but I'm not strong enough to completely leave.

EvokeTheDark

I'm sorry about your son. My husband does the same stuff. He steals things from his own job to get heroin money, sells his medicine sometimes, etc. And his boss even noticed he's been weird lately. He's risking everything and just not caring.

EvokeTheDark

By the way, he hasn't used the past 3 days, today would be the 4th. That's some progress, but I'm still scared and not convinced that it really means anything.

useyourwords

Hi Evokethedark. I glad you found this site and am sorry for what you are going through that brought you here There are a lot of really experienced people here who have wonderful support to offer. I have only been here a month, but have a sister who has been a heroin addict for 10 years (in recovery for 9 months, with one one-time use lapse).

I would highly recommend you start by checking out the stickies on the top of this page. They have so much good information and, from the little you posted about your experience, I have no doubt you will find information that will resonate with you. I am sure you will find the same if you start reading other posts on this site, and the other experiences and support shared.

You shared that "All I've ever done is try to help. I ask him to tell me the truth if he ever wants to use or if he already has used and I've promised him that I won't get mad or leave him." If I didn't know better that could have been something I would have said exactly in the first year or two of my sister's use! For most of us (especially those of us with codependence issues) all we want to do is "help" the person or "fix" them. We think our love and unconditional support and constant forgiveness will help or fix them. For me (and my mother . . . and many others on this site) we let it consume us. I was wrapped into my sisters lies and chaos, constantly feeling like if I could just try a little harder and be even more supportive that she would get help and recover. When she was getting worse I couldn't make sense of what *I* was doing wrong -- why my "help" wasn't helping! The following might be a good way to start critically looking at how we understand "helping":

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-can-help.html

(it is in the codependecy and the family sticky -- of which you should check out all of them!)

I would suggest looking for a naranon meeting in your area. They are an incredible resource -- when I learned of alanon and naranon a number of years ago it was truly a turning point in my understanding of myself and the A in my life. It was when I truly started looking at myself, instead of being consumed by her addiction.

All the best. I am sure you will find a lot of support here. It has really helped me get myself back on track when I was starting to spin!

look4billw

hello-kitty

Hi Evoke. I'm sorry for what you are going through but I'm glad you have found this sight. It sounds like you are in a real bind. Do you have any family or friends or a social worker you can talk to? It's not your fault that your husband uses, and just because you have a mental illness, you don't have to stay with him, unless you want to. That's completely up to you.

Your husband doesn't care about what he's doing because he's an addict. An addict's brain has been hijacked by drugs and all they care about is doing whatever it takes to get more drugs. And you didn't cause this problem. You can't control this problem. You can't cure this problem. Unfortunately you aren't going to be able to change him.

I'm glad you reached out for support here. I would encourage you to reach out for face to face support as well. Reach out to people in your world who might be able to provide you with guidance on how to find a safe healthly place where you can focus all your attention on your own issues.

Keep posting and reading!

hello-kitty

And ps.

This is simply not true. Every life has worth. It's sad when we become so wrapped up in another person that we feel worthless with out them. but it's just a feeling. it can be overcome. But we have to seek help for ourselves in order to learn how to feel better about ourselves. I hope this is the beginning of something beautiful for you. You deserve it.

EvokeTheDark

The only people I've told are my mother, who flipped out and wanted me to leave him, and my psychiatrist who told me to give him an ultimatum that I would leave. Neither person helped. I know what an addict is and why he does what he does. No matter how many times I tell him I won't leave if he tells me the truth, he probably doesn't believe it. Or, if he does, he's probably so conditioned to lie to people about his addiction, that he can't change his behavior at this point. Either way, I don't want to and can't leave. You say I can, but you don't know what I go through with my own mental health. Yes, physically I can force myself to act a certain way, but in the end, all it would be is a death sentence for myself because I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle what I've done. And regardless of whether you or anyone else thinks my life is worthless or not, its what I believe and that belief won't change. I appreciate people trying to give me other options, but even though they are there, I don't have them. And anyone who's been mentally ill before can probably understand that statement. What I'm looking for on this forum is not for people to tell me to leave, or to try to lift my self-esteem, because all of that will be in vain. I'm looking for additional ways I can help, or learn to handle it better. I've offered to go to NA with him, and he said he would but just doesn't want to at the moment because he's too sick from withdrawal.

useyourwords

I hope you did not interpret my response as me suggesting you leave. I was just suggesting you look at how we understand "helping". I was not suggesting you leave or don't, I was just suggesting you keep in mind that staying is not something you are doing for him or to "help" him, it is something you are doing for you. And that is fine! That is your choice, and it is great that you are trying to educate yourself about how to best stay and "handle things"

In terms of going to NA with him, this is an example of a way we think we are "helping" which may not be helping. His recovery needs to be his, and you being with him at NA meetings will undoubtly influence his ability to be honest and focus just on himself and his recovery. IMHO it would be more helpful for you to go to naranon while he goes to NA. This will be a great place to help you learn how to handle things better while not inserting yourself in his recovery.

EvokeTheDark

I've skimmed through the 10 ways to help an addict thread, and the biggest thing I do wrong is helping him pay for stuff when he's out of money from buying heroin. But I feel totally powerless in the situation. If I don't give him money for gas, he can't get to work. Then he loses his job, and both of us suffer, not just him. If I don't give him money for cigarrettes, the nicotine withdrawal might make him want to do heroin again, or he'll just act like a jackass to me and take it out on me, and again both of us will suffer emotionally and probably otherwise. The way I see it, I can either spare him of his consequences and risk him using and both of us suffering, or I can let him suffer, and suffer along with him anyway. That's like having to choose between cutting your own leg off or your arm.

EvokeTheDark

KC, I'm sorry, but I've already said that that's not the kind of help I want. If it was the right thing for you, and you're happy, I'm sincerely happy for you, but that's not what I want. To me, being sick is not even remotely the same as being a monster. He can't help what he does. He can't help hurting me. He can try harder to fight it, but that's about it...he can never change completely and it will never go away. And yes, my decision is to be with someone like that because of who I am and because of who I know he is behind his addiction.

outtolunch

Well then, you can accept him as is/where is and understand there is nothing you can do to cause or prevent a relapse, control his addiction or cure it. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Accept that addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs. And know he's not using at you. It's not personal.

Protect yourself and finances from the consequences of his addiction.

Impurrfect

(((Evoke))) - I'm sorry you feel that this is your life and there is no better. It seems to me you're asking us to help you help him, and as a recovering addict, there are two ways to "help" an addict...make it easy to keep using, or let him deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but if someone had allowed me to continue using, giving me money when I demanded it, I would probably be dead, just as my XABF#3.

No, we aren't walking in your shoes and no one can tell you what to do. We simply share what we've been through.

I do have to disagree that "he can't help what he does". I'm one of thousands of recovering addicts who found recovery. I've felt like I had no choice in both addiction and codependency with loved ones who are addicts. It was the great people here that helped me realize I DO have a choice, as do you and he.

Yes, my choice WAS to stay in relationships with addicts/alcoholics for over 25 years. Yes my choice WAS to develop my own addiction as a way to deal with these relationships. So, I do understand. However, when I got miserable enough, I made the choice to do something different.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, but I really have nothing else to offer.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

useyourwords

KC, thanks for taking the time to share your story. It sounds like you made a lot of hard, strong decisions and stuck to them. It is impressive and I know gives hope to many others on this board.

EvokeTheDark

Way to attack me with sarcasm. If you're telling me that there's no other way to help besides leave, then I don't want your help. There has to be another way, but if there is, obviously you guys don't know it.

That goes for everyone. Screw this thread. I AM better off doing what I was doing because since I came here, along with my same problems, I also now have less hope in humanity as well. Just because I don't agree with some of your ideas to help, I'm not worthy of any? **** off.

look4billw

There's only one part of this that I can understand.
At some point we all want a magic cure.
I remember rationalizing when I was asked what was wrong.
Leave me alone I know what I'm doing. I would answer.
Willingness to change is the key today.
All of my paths let me back to my problem.
I was not in the middle of living and ideal life and then decided one day I think I'll quit drinking.
For me this was one of the three choices of last resort.
Quit drinking
Incarceration
Death