New here. Need support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
New here. Need support.
I am completely in love with my boyfriend. He is an addict I was unaware of the extent of his use until we moved in together. He had told me he took pain pills for his back and I didn't see anything wrong with that until I noticed how much and how often he would use them. I have told him many times how uncomfortable I was about them and he told me he had no intentions of quitting them.
Recently I had found a box of needles hidden in my car and I confronted him
About them which he had told me that he wanted to tell me that he was doing steroids to try and gain weight and I told him that I loved him the way that he looked now and that I would appreciate if he would respect me and not do them anymore, and he said ok they make me feel weird so I'll stop. Well they stayed in my car or over about 2 weeks and I even counted the needles and they were being used and I confronted him on that and he assured me that he wasn't using them that he had been selling them. So out of my frustration I told him to just get rid of them and if he didn't I was going to throw them out. He told me they were expensive and that he would just sell all of them at once and for me to not throw them away. Well he had asked me to go pick him up some cigarettes. When I got back he told me he sold the needles, but I didn't believe it cause I was not gone but 3 minutes.
Now currently inhale found little baggies in his Jean pockets and torn apart cans ad brown residue in the bathroom on the floor and counter when I ask about it he denies it all like I'm making it all up. I even send him pictures and he tells me I have no idea what that is.
It's all spinning out of control
We have had discussions about everything lately. He has admitted to me he is a user and that he is an addict and I was so proud of him to be able to voice that but my bitterness makes me believe it's all a scheme and that he just telling me what I want to hear. He started telling me he wants to quit he's tired of it and that he wouldn't mind going to meetings. But this behavior only lasts about 2 days and we are back to where we started and I'm beginning to just get mad at him I believe because I'm mad at myself cause I have no control over what's going on and I feel I can't believe what he says that it's all fake.
He tells me he needs me and that this is so hard and he doesn't understand why I'm so angry all the time. He tells me he loves me
And asks me am I not taking care of you do t I tell you much I love you how is it not enough. He says I've become too hard to please and that I'm asking too much of him.
He makes me feel like I'm a burden to him and when I'm almost to that breaking point he pulls me back in with his I love yous and I need you.
I'm so exhausted with this roller coaster. I am a very strong woman but he's breaking me down I feel so small and like I'm afraid to speak for thoughts that anything I say will set him off.
I'm very lost.
I've looked into nar anon meeting but couldn't find any so I am here reacher out to whomever is there.
Recently I had found a box of needles hidden in my car and I confronted him
About them which he had told me that he wanted to tell me that he was doing steroids to try and gain weight and I told him that I loved him the way that he looked now and that I would appreciate if he would respect me and not do them anymore, and he said ok they make me feel weird so I'll stop. Well they stayed in my car or over about 2 weeks and I even counted the needles and they were being used and I confronted him on that and he assured me that he wasn't using them that he had been selling them. So out of my frustration I told him to just get rid of them and if he didn't I was going to throw them out. He told me they were expensive and that he would just sell all of them at once and for me to not throw them away. Well he had asked me to go pick him up some cigarettes. When I got back he told me he sold the needles, but I didn't believe it cause I was not gone but 3 minutes.
Now currently inhale found little baggies in his Jean pockets and torn apart cans ad brown residue in the bathroom on the floor and counter when I ask about it he denies it all like I'm making it all up. I even send him pictures and he tells me I have no idea what that is.
It's all spinning out of control
We have had discussions about everything lately. He has admitted to me he is a user and that he is an addict and I was so proud of him to be able to voice that but my bitterness makes me believe it's all a scheme and that he just telling me what I want to hear. He started telling me he wants to quit he's tired of it and that he wouldn't mind going to meetings. But this behavior only lasts about 2 days and we are back to where we started and I'm beginning to just get mad at him I believe because I'm mad at myself cause I have no control over what's going on and I feel I can't believe what he says that it's all fake.
He tells me he needs me and that this is so hard and he doesn't understand why I'm so angry all the time. He tells me he loves me
And asks me am I not taking care of you do t I tell you much I love you how is it not enough. He says I've become too hard to please and that I'm asking too much of him.
He makes me feel like I'm a burden to him and when I'm almost to that breaking point he pulls me back in with his I love yous and I need you.
I'm so exhausted with this roller coaster. I am a very strong woman but he's breaking me down I feel so small and like I'm afraid to speak for thoughts that anything I say will set him off.
I'm very lost.
I've looked into nar anon meeting but couldn't find any so I am here reacher out to whomever is there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Welcome to SR
It is very easy to get sucked up in the lies of an addict. We want to believe the best in them. Every time they talk about getting help or wanting to stop, it sends us to the moon because that is what we want to hear only to get disappointed. I know, my husband is an addict. Read all the stickiest at the top. There is a lot of good information.
Try al-anon, most of the al-anon groups will accept you and your situation. It's the same principle.
BTW, I'm new in my recovery but there is a lot of people on this board with a lot of experience in recovery.
It is very easy to get sucked up in the lies of an addict. We want to believe the best in them. Every time they talk about getting help or wanting to stop, it sends us to the moon because that is what we want to hear only to get disappointed. I know, my husband is an addict. Read all the stickiest at the top. There is a lot of good information.
Try al-anon, most of the al-anon groups will accept you and your situation. It's the same principle.
BTW, I'm new in my recovery but there is a lot of people on this board with a lot of experience in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by LostNlove 
Thank you.
I'll look into the al anon hopefully I can find some meetings. Cause I need to talk to people who know what I'm going through.
I'll look into the al anon hopefully I can find some meetings. Cause I need to talk to people who know what I'm going through.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
Hi-
i am not an official greeter, but wanted say hi. it is sad that you had to find this site, but fortunate that you did. there are a lot of great people on here who will have wise words to share.
i can share my experiences and my situation developed much like yours. first, they will never tell you the whole story. so if you know he is abusing pill, you can bet it is far worse than he was telling you, then the needles. everything he said about them sounds like the typical kind of excuses and lies- their not mine, i sold them etc. they will do anything and everything to preserve their use.
you are new to this and i know exactly how you feel. you want to believe his words. when it came to light about my gf's addiction she many times said she wanted to go to rehab, she loves me, all kinds of stuff. so i hung in there and 'helped' and believed everything. it all seemed manageable, like all she has to do is go to rehab and it'll all get better. i came to this board and heard one word- run. i went to naranon and heard the same.
no way. she isnt that bad and we'll get through this. eventually things started to change. she wasnt going to rehab, everything would be put off for tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. the addiction progressed and lies and manipulation started, and got worse. i played detective, looking for this or that. i would find red hot evidence, but she'd make it like i was crazy. eventually i became crazy. up and down on the roller coaster. then came the stealing and going through tons of bad stuff. its about 2 years later and i only just started my own recovery, but i became so entrenched in the drama and chaos and emotional stuff that i am digging out from being up to my neck in it.
if i got out earlier, it may have been easier.
i finally dropped to my knees and went back to naranon and it has been helping. i dont have any answers, but i can say that you may be in for a long difficult ride if you stay with him.
stick around here though, you will get some real good stuff.
i am not an official greeter, but wanted say hi. it is sad that you had to find this site, but fortunate that you did. there are a lot of great people on here who will have wise words to share.
i can share my experiences and my situation developed much like yours. first, they will never tell you the whole story. so if you know he is abusing pill, you can bet it is far worse than he was telling you, then the needles. everything he said about them sounds like the typical kind of excuses and lies- their not mine, i sold them etc. they will do anything and everything to preserve their use.
you are new to this and i know exactly how you feel. you want to believe his words. when it came to light about my gf's addiction she many times said she wanted to go to rehab, she loves me, all kinds of stuff. so i hung in there and 'helped' and believed everything. it all seemed manageable, like all she has to do is go to rehab and it'll all get better. i came to this board and heard one word- run. i went to naranon and heard the same.
no way. she isnt that bad and we'll get through this. eventually things started to change. she wasnt going to rehab, everything would be put off for tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. the addiction progressed and lies and manipulation started, and got worse. i played detective, looking for this or that. i would find red hot evidence, but she'd make it like i was crazy. eventually i became crazy. up and down on the roller coaster. then came the stealing and going through tons of bad stuff. its about 2 years later and i only just started my own recovery, but i became so entrenched in the drama and chaos and emotional stuff that i am digging out from being up to my neck in it.
if i got out earlier, it may have been easier.
i finally dropped to my knees and went back to naranon and it has been helping. i dont have any answers, but i can say that you may be in for a long difficult ride if you stay with him.
stick around here though, you will get some real good stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Please listen to that inner voice that is screaming at you right now!!!
The voice that is telling you, he hid needles in YOUR car, putting YOU in danger of possibly getting arrested.
The voice that is telling you, he lied to you about selling those needles.
The voice that is telling you, about the little baggies in his jeans, the torn apart cans and brown residue…..you know better, no matter how he lies to you about it.
The voice that is telling you he’s not serious about cleaning up his act.
Then there are the cold hard facts of his truth to you…..he told you he is a user – believe him!!
It may make you feel proud that he told you this truth, just don’t ignore it.
Here is one of the greatest sticky’s ever:
What Addicts Do
My name's _____. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
The voice that is telling you, he hid needles in YOUR car, putting YOU in danger of possibly getting arrested.
The voice that is telling you, he lied to you about selling those needles.
The voice that is telling you, about the little baggies in his jeans, the torn apart cans and brown residue…..you know better, no matter how he lies to you about it.
The voice that is telling you he’s not serious about cleaning up his act.
Then there are the cold hard facts of his truth to you…..he told you he is a user – believe him!!
It may make you feel proud that he told you this truth, just don’t ignore it.
Here is one of the greatest sticky’s ever:
What Addicts Do
My name's _____. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 437
If it seems like he is lying to you, he is. The denial of the evidence is exactly what that is, denial. Its as if you were both looking at dog and he insists it is a cat and says you are crazy if you see a dog. If he is good, and some of us are, you will think the dog is a cat too. What he is doing is just as irrational as that. Its what we do. We lie, cheat and steal to and from the people closest to us because thats where it is the easiest to get away with it. During my last drunk I called my dad and halfway into the conversation he asked if I was drinking and I said NO. And of course, he wanted to belive me, so he did. *sigh* . (maybe he didnt believe me and I am in denial)
Good Luck. It's not to late to run.
Good Luck. It's not to late to run.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
the part about the cat and dog is so true. as i was reading that i thought about how i used to say that she would have me believing the sky was green. maybe deep down i wouldn't believe it, but it was enough that she got me to question it.
and it's all done by words. so as suggested above, look for actions not words. for so long i have listened to the words. its hard not to. we want to believe in them, we want to believe things will get better. several times she has said about going to do something, but it doesn't pan out. she still says those things. at the moment i believe that she may really want to, but until she is in the door, stays, and really honestly works at it, it will all stay the same.
and it's all done by words. so as suggested above, look for actions not words. for so long i have listened to the words. its hard not to. we want to believe in them, we want to believe things will get better. several times she has said about going to do something, but it doesn't pan out. she still says those things. at the moment i believe that she may really want to, but until she is in the door, stays, and really honestly works at it, it will all stay the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone.
All the things I don't want to hear but need to.
I am in such a confused state right now I'm afraid to make a decision. I know I want to go to the meetings so that my first decision I am going to make as soon as I find some to go to.
I will definitely keep coming back here.
All the things I don't want to hear but need to.
I am in such a confused state right now I'm afraid to make a decision. I know I want to go to the meetings so that my first decision I am going to make as soon as I find some to go to.
I will definitely keep coming back here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Are the chances of them getting better more greater if you leave them, I mean I'm afraid if I were to leave he would definitely spin out of control.
I read a post earlier on here that said something about addiction is a disease just as cancer is a disease and you wouldn't leave someone for having cancer and that too can relapse
That has been in my head all day.
I read a post earlier on here that said something about addiction is a disease just as cancer is a disease and you wouldn't leave someone for having cancer and that too can relapse
That has been in my head all day.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Lost, How is your heart when you find the evidence? I went through heroin addiction with my oldest son, lost over 10,000 dollars of jewelry and risked my marriage before I realized it didn't matter to him AT ALL. I had to let him go, he went to jail, now there is hope with him because he chose rehab. He lost everything. Bottom is bottom. If you stay, you will find out that your bottom is nowhere near his bottom.
Letting him go is the only way he has a chance to choose something different.
Be careful, soon your things will start disappearing if he runs out of his own money.
Also, the evidence you are finding in his possessions are all truth he is using.
Letting him go is the only way he has a chance to choose something different.
Be careful, soon your things will start disappearing if he runs out of his own money.
Also, the evidence you are finding in his possessions are all truth he is using.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
When I find things my hearts races and my palms sweat and i just don't want to believe what I'm seeing and I cry.
My heart aches for him I want the best for him I want him to reach his full potential and be happy and healthy. If that means that I have to leave him for him to realize it then I'll do what I have to do but using want the opposite to happen.
My heart aches for him I want the best for him I want him to reach his full potential and be happy and healthy. If that means that I have to leave him for him to realize it then I'll do what I have to do but using want the opposite to happen.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
there is nothing you can do to stop it from spinning out of control. if that is where he is headed, he'll get there either way, it may just take a little longer if you are in the picture, but he will get there. i tried, oh lord how i tried to stop it from happening. it happened. she ended up homeless on the streets. there is the possibility that he won't have to experience the worst kind of stuff and can decide to quit sooner, but it is still all a matter of what he wants to do about it. and not just talk about it.
a lot of people tell stories that their loved one seems to find recovery on their own after they detach. i have not gone no contact but have been practicing detachment as best i can and i do see that without me 'helping' she suffers the consequences of her actions more. she still finds people to bail her out of messes, but most of those bridges are burned, so she will be left to her own at some point.
a lot of people tell stories that their loved one seems to find recovery on their own after they detach. i have not gone no contact but have been practicing detachment as best i can and i do see that without me 'helping' she suffers the consequences of her actions more. she still finds people to bail her out of messes, but most of those bridges are burned, so she will be left to her own at some point.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LostNlove
Are the chances of them getting better more greater if you leave them, I mean I'm afraid if I were to leave he would definitely spin out of control.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He will continue to use or not, no matter what you do or not. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
I read a post earlier on here that said something about addiction is a disease just as cancer is a disease and you wouldn't leave someone for having cancer and that too can relapse That has been in my head all day.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He will continue to use or not, no matter what you do or not. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
I read a post earlier on here that said something about addiction is a disease just as cancer is a disease and you wouldn't leave someone for having cancer and that too can relapse That has been in my head all day.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by LostNlove
My heart aches for him I want the best for him I want him to reach his full potential and be happy and healthy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LostNlove
I
Recently I had found a box of needles hidden in my car ....
Now currently inhale found little baggies in his Jean pockets and torn apart cans ad brown residue in the bathroom on the floor and counter when I ask about it he denies it all like I'm making it all up.
It's likely heroin.
I even send him pictures and he tells me I have no idea what that is.
Addiction demands the addict protect and sustain it at all costs.
It's all spinning out of control
Yes it is. You have a choice to spin out with it or opt out of the lies and chaos, anytime you want to do so.
We have had discussions about everything lately. He has admitted to me he is a user and that he is an addict and I was so proud of him to be able to voice that but my bitterness makes me believe it's all a scheme and that he just telling me what I want to hear.
Ah yes, the big teary-eyed confession scene is a common way to hook the codependent in. Most here, know this routine, well.
I'm so exhausted with this roller coaster. I am a very strong woman but he's breaking me down I feel so small and like I'm afraid to speak for thoughts that anything I say will set him off.
It's called "walking on eggshells"
Recently I had found a box of needles hidden in my car ....
Now currently inhale found little baggies in his Jean pockets and torn apart cans ad brown residue in the bathroom on the floor and counter when I ask about it he denies it all like I'm making it all up.
It's likely heroin.
I even send him pictures and he tells me I have no idea what that is.
Addiction demands the addict protect and sustain it at all costs.
It's all spinning out of control
Yes it is. You have a choice to spin out with it or opt out of the lies and chaos, anytime you want to do so.
We have had discussions about everything lately. He has admitted to me he is a user and that he is an addict and I was so proud of him to be able to voice that but my bitterness makes me believe it's all a scheme and that he just telling me what I want to hear.
Ah yes, the big teary-eyed confession scene is a common way to hook the codependent in. Most here, know this routine, well.
I'm so exhausted with this roller coaster. I am a very strong woman but he's breaking me down I feel so small and like I'm afraid to speak for thoughts that anything I say will set him off.
It's called "walking on eggshells"
You have to allow someone to break you down and make you feel small. This often happens when one does not have any boundaries.Many of us confused boundaries with attempts to control other people. A boundary begins with " I will/will not...." as in " I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies to me". A boundary does not try and control the other person. When faced with a situation that crosses our boundary, we take responsibility for ourself and our boundary and remove ourself from the situation.
Conversely, " you will/will not..." statements are attempts to control other people's behaviors. It does not work and causes tremendeous resentment on everyone's part.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
my brother did the "im in pain, i'm using them responsibly" deal with pain killers. also "im using steroids to gain weight" thing. exact same. back then I believed him cause i was a kid and couldnt imagine how bad he was.
He's a serious heroine addict. He's been jerking my family around for years and years with lies, promises, manipulation, etc.
If you want to help him, truly, then help yourself. Learn about addiction and addicts themselves. Chances are, even if you, 3 minutes after reading this, was like "we're done. pack ur things and leave" I bet he'd swear up and down he was gonna get clean. hed probably even go to detox. hed probably even go to rehab. hed probably even have some clean time. But unless you know A. What you're dealing with B. Who you're dealing with and C. yourself, even if he did all that, this thing is going to shake you by the neck like an abusive animal owner for every moment that you let it, regardless.
This is a great place for people who need support and information. take every advantage of the wisdom of these great people's experiences and read all you can. I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with someone who reminds me so very much of my own brother.
He's a serious heroine addict. He's been jerking my family around for years and years with lies, promises, manipulation, etc.
If you want to help him, truly, then help yourself. Learn about addiction and addicts themselves. Chances are, even if you, 3 minutes after reading this, was like "we're done. pack ur things and leave" I bet he'd swear up and down he was gonna get clean. hed probably even go to detox. hed probably even go to rehab. hed probably even have some clean time. But unless you know A. What you're dealing with B. Who you're dealing with and C. yourself, even if he did all that, this thing is going to shake you by the neck like an abusive animal owner for every moment that you let it, regardless.
This is a great place for people who need support and information. take every advantage of the wisdom of these great people's experiences and read all you can. I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with someone who reminds me so very much of my own brother.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LostNlove
My heart aches for him I want the best for him I want him to reach his full potential and be happy and healthy. If that means that I have to leave him for him to realize it then I'll do what I have to do but using want the opposite to happen.
You have absolutely no control over him and his ability to reach his full potential. This future potential stuff trends fanasty.
Consider 2 books, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and 10 Things Women Do to Mess Up their lives by Laura Schesinger*. There are probably copies at your locallibrary or used at Amazon.
* I don't agree with much of the authors politics and subsequent books. She does however do a tremendeous job of teaching readers about relationships in this particular book. Women have a knack for relationships of hopeful fantasies.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cynical one
LNl, you're getting alot of stuff thrown at you, don't become overwhelmed. You don't have to make any life altering decision this evening, this week, or this month. Take a read around at threads you can relate to, and then close it down for a while. It's Friday night, go out to dinner and a movie and try to forget about drugs for the night. The very best way you can help him...is to take care of yourself. You won't understand this concept for a while...but it's true.
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