Holly21

My son is in jail accused of a serious crime (which I am sure never would have happened if he were not using). He spent 9 months waiting for trial and I bailed him out. He was clean for three months and then relapsed and started stealing from us. I revoked the bail and he has subsequently spent another ten months incarcerated. I might add that the county jail he is in has no addiction programs outside of one addict/ex-convict who talks with them once a month. My son is asking for a chance to come home on a reduced bail or bracelet whichever the court decides and be given another chance. He knows he is an addict and says that drugs are the farthest thing from his mind. His lawyer feels it is better for his case if he is out. My head tells me no but my heart wants to give him that chance. What are your thoughts?

Impurrfect

(((Holly))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (have loved ones who are addicts). Personally, I wouldn't let him come home, but that's just me. We A's (addicts) are very resourceful, and "home" is not the only choice, nor is it often the best place.

I'm sure he is thinking "drugs are the last thing on his mind"..he's in jail, I didn't think about them when I was locked up, either. However, getting back out? Dealing with consequences I'd brought on myself, feeling frustrated, etc. - yeah, I relapsed.

I'm sure there will be a lot more parents here that can tell you of their experience in bailing their A's out. Some have done it numerous times. I think our hearts always want to give them that "one more chance" but I've learned to listen to my head.

I'm lucky I didn't have a felony (I was a first offender). My stepsister, however, has two, just got out of prison, again, and is working her recovery...in a state where there is NO family, she has found assistance in housing, trying to get a job (NOT easy with felonies), and has done it on her own, with a little bit of help from my dad (he sent her money for some clothes and a phone...he has the receipts because she wants to be held accountable).

This is a great place for ES&H (experience, strength and hope) and support. You may want to read through a few of the posts and you'll see you are definitely not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

My thoughts: If it were me, I wouldn't do it. The chances of him relapsing are greater if he is out of jail. He's already stolen from you, so are you prepared for him to do it again? His initial actions got him arrested in the first place. You already gave him a chance by posting bail and allowing him into your home. He repaid you by using again and stealing from you. You did the right thing by revoking the bail and sending him back. Jailhouse remorse is almost universal. They're always really sorry and say that drugs are the furthest thing from their mind. Then, when they get out, it's all too easy to start using again.

Freedom1990

My home is no longer a rehab, detox, or post-jail living facility.

I learned that one the hard way with my AD.

Never...ever...again.

Now she's back in jail on felony drug charges. She's got 3 hots and a cot.

Not my problem.

Ann

Welcome to SR, Holly.

I bailed my son out twice, with tearful promises to stay clean, follow the rules and do anything I said without arguing. And both times it lasted less than 1 day, the second time was less than 1 hour.

My heart hurts for you because I know how torn you are and how much you want to "help" your son have another chance at recovery.

The thing is, if he wants to stay clean, he can stay clean in jail He can read books about recovery, he can make a good plan for when he gets out so that he has support already in place when that happens. Some of the best recoveries I have seen happened when the addict was in jail or prison.

You didn't put him there, it's a consequence for his action. No matter how "out of character" whatever he did was, he used drugs and what follows is most times "out of character".

If you bail him out, you may rob him of lessons he badly needs to learn...that there are consequences for bad behaviour...that he must learn to own his behaviour and take responsibility for his future...that he must learn to do for himself instead of expecting others to make it easy for him. That's not "cold thinking", Holly, that's reality.

I know you love your son, I love mine to. Something that caught my attention a long time ago was when the founder of this site, a recovering addict called Jon, reminded us often that we just might "love" them right into the grave.

Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and know that you are among friends here who understand because we have been where you are.

Hugs

dollydo

I wouldn't do it. To me, the only reason he says that he has no craving for drugs is because they are not readily available. He is not in recovery, he is not working a program, he is just trying to get out of jail...that's it.

For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, he will never learn if you bail him out. Let him face the music, possibly he may finally chose the right path.

Think with your head, not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking, your head is.

Sending hugs your way...Dolly

Fraggy

My son called me from jail one Sunday morning at 2:40 am. He was in on a DUI charge. I told him there wasn't anything I could do for him. I bailed him out on Monday morning so that he could go to college classes that I was paying for.....had it not been for college he I would not have bailed him out.

Fraggy

outtolunch

I am another mom who would not consider it. He committed a serious crime. You bailed him and then he committed another crime and stole from you. Fool me once and all that....


Give him the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of his actions.

useyourwords

Welcome -- glad you found this great site, but sorry you have to be here I'm a sister, not a mom, but I begged my mom countless times not to bail my sister out of jail. She always did and my sister always started using again. My sister has been in recovery about 9 months now and she has point blank told my mom not to let her come home or bail her out of jail if she starts using again, in an effort to help my mom understand her own enabling and codie issues. I second outtolunch -- "fool me once shame on you. fool me twice . . . "

If your son is serious he (not you!) could research and request a court-ordered rehab.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

December2011

Freedom,

"My home is no longer a rehab, detox, or post-jail living facility."

I love that. I was thinking that same thing this week. I was writing down boundaries for myself to read back when I feel weak and about to cave in.

I wrote to myself that my home is not a rehab facility, homeless shelter, bail bondsman's office, flophouse, food bank, or Amscot---- lol.

Holly21,

As far as bailing him out of jail, I would not do it. I am with Freedom on this one "three hots and a cot"

Ann said :

"If you bail him out, you may rob him of lessons he badly needs to learn...that there are consequences for bad behaviour...that he must learn to own his behavior and take responsibility for his future...that he must learn to do for himself instead of expecting others to make it easy for him. That's not "cold thinking", Holly, that's reality. "

This is great advice from Ann.

I think of that saying: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Unfortunately, as parents of addicts we are fooled many times over before we wise up. You already bailed him out of jail, and that made things worse, it is highly likely that this will happen again.

My heart does go out to you as a mother of an addict. I hope you can do something relaxing for yourself (I know it is hard) to take your mind off of this and feel more peaceful.

Ilovemysonjj

Holly 21, I had my son in jail and when bail was offered, we had nothing to do with that. He got out on his own, got his first bail revoked because he didn't show for court. 3 days later, back in jail. got a second bond and now he is in debt for 3500.00 when he finally gets a job. He stayed in jail for 4 months and now is in court ordered rehab. I was stolen from twice before and whenever we let him come back home after a meltdown, the recovery was less than a month before the same BS started all over again. Jail was time for my son to
1: be kept from drugs
2: see life as it could be if he continues on this path of destruction
3: feel as lonely and as isolated as his drug use made his family.

Rehab is the option that is now either going to show him
1: Life is possible without drugs
2: new relationships with real meaning, not just drug buddies
3: responsibility and accountability are HIS to own.

OR
He won't get anything cause he isn't ready and he will go right back to his former life.

Jail is a crossroads. Time away though extremely difficult, is also a good thing for parents who are in our shoes.

parentneedshelp

I agree do not let him come back home.. My AD has said that so many times before.. put me on restricition.. she is 21 yrs old I should not have to put any child at that age on restriciton.. serious... I dont want to live this life anymore, i want a better life, i want to get my daughter back and will do whatever it takes to get her back.. well guess what I still have custody of my granddaughter and she has not seen her mom in over a month and a half.. so much for wanting to do the right thing for her own child... it all sounds so very good to us mom's we want to believe it so much well maybe this time they really mean it.. but like i have read in so many post.. actions not words.... sorry you are going through this i know as a parent it is one of the hardest thing to have to do but know in your heart its the best thing to let them learn from thier own mistakes and figure it out on there own.. stay strong

BeingStill

The biggest reason I didn't bail my son out of jail was because I put him there myself by filing charges against him when he took the car to go buy drugs. He showed up at my house in severe withdrawal, and as I was on the phone calling rehabs and detox centers, he couldn't take the pain anymore and ended up grabbing the keys.

Our kids don't accidentally end up in jail. When my son got detention in school, I sure as heck didn't go bail him out of that. When he was younger, I didn't revoke his "grounding" because I felt bad. No way will I be the mommy who saves her little boy from the big bad police.

I did have concerns about jail not being rehab... and that he wasn't getting treatment for his addiction while sitting in jail. But he was getting clean time. His body was healing. His thinking was getting clearer. I mailed him recovery books, as Ann mentioned. I visited him on visiting days and told him I loved him.

Did he ask me a million times to bail him out? Did he have a million stories of why I should? Yes. But I was a broken record. I said one thing to him no matter what he said. He'd tell me how terrible it was being locked up. I said, "It's better than being dead." He told me how he was going to get beat up. I said, "It's better than being dead." He told me how the guards left the window open so they would freeze at night. I said, "It's better than being dead." He told me through tears how there were guys who were going to rape him. I said, "It's better than being dead."

Pretty soon he stopped asking.

He's in recovery now. For today.