scaredgirl

Since I found out my boyfriend smokes/smoked ice, everything is going wrong.

Monday: I found out
Tuesday: I lost $50 and my Work ID Pass
Wednesday: I left my handbag on a train (goodbye phone wallet, credit card, licence, makeup, watch… EVERYTHING)
Thursday: Realising I’ve been completely forgetful at work and have a tonne of things to complete by COB

Apparently my reaction to stress is losing things!
ANYWAY – Now that I am less emotional, I keep thinking, do I REALLY want to continue with my relationship? I’m only 21, should I deal with the heartache now, to give myself a better/more normal future?

I have been sort of numb today. In between pretending nothing was happening for the last few days I’ve been very sad.

I love my boyfriend so ridiculously much, but, is it worth it?
I know I have some weird self-worth issues and always have, but this is the first time I am trying to look at it from an outside perspective. Everything I said about him in my last post was true, he is a lovely and caring boy but, he is also an addict.
The I find myself thinking, I’ll wait and see.
It’s my birthday in just over 2 weeks and My boyfriend, Mum and I are having a weekend away (I’m also the girl that gave up all my friends, my job and life to move to where my boyfriend is)
I think, I want to spend my birthday with him, I will re-evaluate after then.
We have a holiday out of state booked on the 19th of December, so I will wait until after that but then, it will be Christmas, new year, his birthday, our anniversary.

Where and when will it end?
Maybe I am still to in love with him to give up hope.

tjp613

Where and when will it end? When you say it's "the end".

As you've read from others it may take years and years for you to decide you've had enough. While you are staying in the relationship, the best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself about addiction, get individual counseling to repair your self-esteem and co-dependency issues, and hopefully start attending Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings. If you decide to stay, at least do so with your eyes wide open.

((((Hugs))))

dollydo

Yes, you are young, this is good, you have your whole life ahead of you. The key is to make wise decisions and learn from your mistakes, if you do not learn, you will repeat the mistake, over and over again.

There is no rush to make a decision today, watch his actions, work on setting some bounderies with him, and most important, don't believe a word he says, addicts lie, then they lie some more in an attempt to cover up for the previous lies.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, lots of information at your fingertips.

Keep posting, read others posts.

hello-kitty

It ends where and when YOU decide it will end. Break ups are never conveniently timed. They are not easy. But nothing worth anything is ever easy.

I think if you take your focus off him and his life, and put it on you and your life, you'll find you can dream bigger and go further than you ever could with the dead weight of a drug addict hanging around your neck.

Justlizzyd

I agree with Dollydo, you don't have to decide today. Don't put unneeded pressure on yourself unless you ever feel that your safety is in jeopardy. In that case, I would advise you to take immediate action. By your post, I am sure your BF is a nice guy but you have to understand that when they are under the influence of meth, they are not the same person. Please educate yourself on the effects of this drug on a person. They can have audible and visual hellucinations that they believe are real especially if they are up for several days. They will hear you say things that you did not say and you know you did not say it because you have not opened your mouth. Is there a firearm in your house? You might want to ask if it can be removed maybe by keeping at his mom's place. I'm not saying these things to be negative but you must protect yourself. I am not saying your BF is a bad person at all, addiction is a disease, but when they are tweaking, they are not the person you know. Watch him and if you see a potential situation cropping up, remove yourself even if it is temporarily till he comes down and get some sleep. Trust me, I have been through the crazies with my AH. I was lucky, God was watching over me. I will not go through the crazies again because I am stronger and more educated. Don't 'let your love for this man put you in harm's way. Just take care of you!

Also, for the record, meth addiction is very progressive. If you don't see him get help soon and sincerly want recovery, you will see the most ugly scary monster in your BF. You don't want to be around for that.

Windblown

Just my experience only. I would run like hell and get myself into therapy for coda issues, alanon, naranon...whatever it takes. There is a reason you are attracted to the addict. It comes from a dysfunctinal family of origin, low self-esteem, difficult Father figure...for me at least. I married two abusive alcoholic/addicts and each marriage lasted a year and each marriage produced a son. Boy was I a mess as a single Mother trying to cope with all that and yes I did a little counselling...but not enough. I was completely unstable with bipolar and ptsd...and unresolved issues from childhood.

My next and last marriage....I waited 2 years. I got into 12 step meetings, counselling...I married a good man who has been a good step father to my sons. He has never hit me. He drinks from time to time but he isn't alcoholic. He works very hard.

I would encourage you to get help for yourself and don't get pregnant with this guy! The better I got myself, the less I was attracted to addict types. But if you have a baby with one, it will be a nightmare if they don't get into recovery. It was for me.

hopeful0323

I agree with windblown. It is SOOOOO much harder once children are brought into the picture. If AXBF and I did not have kids together, I probably would have walked away long ago and never looked back. But I can't do that. The longer a realtionship continues, the harder it is to leave and themore complicated it becomes. No one can tell you when the relationship is done, you have to make that decision on your own. But I strongly urge you to start taking care of yourself. Maybe seek out naranon or alanon meetings.

outtolunch

This is the same guy that told you 3-4 days ago he was entering detox for 7 days and that "they" will decide if he needs rehab or outpatient counseling?

Justlizzyd

Short Term effect of Meth:
*Increased Alertness
*Depression
*Sense of Well Being
*Paranoia

*Hallucinations
*Violent Behavior
*Delusions of Grandeur
*Extreme Weight Loss
*Increased Heart Rate
*Moodiness
*Sores from constantly scratching their body
*Heightened Sexual Activity
*Excessive Talking
*Uncontrollable movements, twitching, jerking
*Shortness of Breath
*Convulsions
*Grinding Teeth, Clenching Jaw
*Sleep Deprivation

Over the long term, Meth can cause:

◊Insomnia
◊Seizures
◊Brain Damage
◊Panic Attacks
◊Lead Poisoning
◊Uncontrollable Anxiety or Rage
◊Hyperactive Behavior
◊Loss of Pleasure
◊Stroke
◊Twitching
◊High Addiction
◊Impaired Speech
◊Severe Depression
◊Abused and Neglected Children
◊Malnutrition
◊Strychnine Poisoning
◊Death◊

steelmagnolia

hey scaredgirl...some very wise advice has been given here. my initial thoughts are for your state of mind. if you dont get work on yourself...you will never have a healthy life. choose to get counseling...it works. when you are strong enough inside to realize the foolishness of this relationship...it will end. i hate to see the young ladies in this world compromise their lives, future, happiness, and hope because they didnt seek the proper help. if you think things are bad now...stay in this relationship...have children...you will wish you had chosen differently. dont waste your life...enjoy and love it. best of luck and love....mags

useyourwords

My thoughts: if you are considering that leaving would be a good thing for you, it probably is. it sounds like you have already sacraficed a lot in your life for this guy who you have now found out is an addict and who you may not have known as well as you thought you did. it sounds like you may have made some of those sacrafices because of your own insecurities and lack of confidence in yourself. but you are 21!!! you are just at the point where you can become the strong, independent, and more confident person that it sounds like you want to be. a relationship does not prevent people from growing, but a relationship between a codie and an addict sure can. if i were you, i would not want to limit myself and hurt my own growth and independence at 21 because of a relationship like that.

i say this not entirely because of addiction. i dated a guy from when i was 18 until i was 24. i loved him with all my heart. when i was 21 i would have sworn i could never find anyone else. he was my whole world. he was (and still is) wonderful. he was kind and also loved me more than anything. he was brilliant and now is a successful lawyer. we travelled the world together. he certainly had no substance issues. i have nothing but wonderful memories of him and us.

so why did we break up?? because we both had so much growing and living to do. we were both so entwined in eachother from such a young age that we never took the time to grow on our own. i did not know who i was without him, he did not know who he was without me, and we came to realize that was not healthy! i imagine if you gave up your own life and moved for him, you may be able to relate to that experience.

i know many high school sweethearts who have had long, happy, healthy, wonderful marriages. i don't believe just because people meet when they are young they will stunt their personal growth or have an unhealthy relationship!! but i do know that having codependent tendencies and diving in to a serious relationship where you give up a lot of your own independence when you are young has consequences. it is hard to love yourself when you don't even know who you are without that person!!! it is hard to know what your own dreams and goals are, and at 21 you should have nothing but a wide open canvas for dreams and goals!

dollydo is right, you don't have to decide now . . . but keep in mind that not deciding can turn into a decision if you are not careful. that non-decision can quickly eat up days, months, and years until one day you realize you made a decision to be stuck and you didn't even realize it!

addictionwife

I'm not telling you what to do, but I will tell you that since I'm new to dealing with an addict husband myself, that I've had the same thoughts you are having. And I'm married with 2 kids. I love my husband. But the reality that I'm facing is that he may never be the man I love again. I also am realizing that while I do love him, his addiction doesn't have to be mine as well. I can move on. I can continue my life without him and I'll be just fine in the end. Do I want to? No. But I will if I must. My husband is very new to recovery so I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel yet. I hate sounding like I am setting him up for failure. I'm not trying to, but I am preparing myself for that outcome. I would say that you should get yourself into counseling for you, and don't worry about him. He is going to have to get better on his own. And in the meantime you need to live your life. And this may sound really harsh, but it's meant with love. The theory that you only fall in love once? It's not true. You can be with someone else and love them just as much as you love your bf now. You don't necessarily have to run like hell from him, but you do need to move your life in a healthy direction for you. If that includes him down the road, so be it. If you move on in a healthy direction that takes you to someone else, so be it.