addictionwife

I feel like the last 3 weeks have been a train wreck, and my train derailed tonight. My husband, who I recently found out had not only relapsed on oxycodone but has also started using cocaine, and I attempted to "talk" about our situation. I have told him he has to leave and get himself better in order to be a part of our family. He is begging for me to let him stay with us, that he can't do it without us. I want to believe him so badly, but I know that I can't. I'm still learning about all this so correct me if I'm wrong, but by going back on my word would be enabling correct? So we are arguing, I'm telling him he has to leave and he's sitting there making excuses for his lies and his behavior. This is the part that is extremely embarrassing. If you folks knew me, you would know that I'm pretty little. I'm generally quiet and reserved and have little to no temper at all. People call me laid back and I guess I am. Oh, don't get me wrong, I get angry. But my way of dealing with it has always been to talk it out and resolve it or whatever. And it is easy for me to get over things and forgive especially minor things. Anyway, tonight I lost myself. Completely went psycho. He said something that was so totally selfish and basically a brush off of what this whole situation has done to me and I hit him. Not just hit him, I attacked him, punching and hitting and pushing. I feel so ashamed of my behavior and the fact that I lost control of myself like this. I hurt him and I feel bad, but I wanted to hurt him. I thank God that my children are not home tonight. I sent them to my parents because I knew he was coming and that he wanted to talk. I know it's probably wrong of me again to keep them from him, but I feel like I have to shield them from this. They are only 4 and 9 months, but I can't bear to have them hear us fighting, or to see me or him cry. I feel like such a failure. As a wife, as a mother, as a friend. Because once upon a time my husband was my best friend. I feel like I've failed myself for letting this happen to me, to us. I'm ashamed of myself, and of him. I know I need therapy, and after tonight I intend on making an appointment with someone first chance I can. Is it totally childish to just say that I want my husband back? That in only a short amount of time I've become intensely lonely?

pacificsunrise

addictionwife,

thank you for having the courage to share with us and to do the right thing. my husband has been using cocaine for several years now and i left with our 2 kids in march. since then i had our 3rd child (3 wks ago) and thought that maybe things might have changed since we left (he hasn't seen the kids since then up until he came to the hospital to see the baby). and what a fool i was. not only have the things not changed, they have gotten worse, and now i'm beating myself up for allowing the kids to be exposed to his presence and behavior again. but hopefully this time i've learned my lesson. we'll see.

i just wanted to let you know that you are doing the right thing. you have to protect your kids from his addiction. our situation is somewhat similar b/c my kids are very young, too (4 yrs, almost 2, and a newborn). your husband has to prove to be deserving of their presence. they are precious and do not deserve to be exposed to the effects of his or anyone else's addiction.

as far as feeling lonely, it is completely understandable. we didn't ask for this to happen and we miss our routine and our "normal" lives. as much as i get upset w/ my husband or his addiction, to this day (it's been 8 months now), i still miss him and wish that he can hold me or that i can hold him. i miss the old days. i miss us and our life together. as much as i hate to admit it, somewhere deep down i am still hoping to get all that back someday. of course, right now that is nowhere in sight and might never come.

sorry for going on about my stuff. i just wanted to let you know that you are a strong woman and you have what it takes to get through this with or without him. take the time to take care of yourself and your kids. you are not responsible for his actions and he will do what he wants to do anyways.

stay strong. my hugs and prayers go to your family.

kykat

one of the many things I learned about being with a person who is addicted (my bf was an alcoholic) is that you cannot change them. No about of talking, praying and crying will help them until they want to help themselves. I totally understand your frustration as well as your anger, but just remember you have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday. Being with an addict can take such a toll on your life, your self-esteem and comes to the point that you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. You can only take control of you. Be strong for yourself and for your children. I understand you want your husband back as I wanted the man I love back too, but they have to want to come back and that is their choice. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

dollydo

Your children need to be your priorty, they should not be living in a toxic enviorment, and if living with him, they are.

Children take their childhood into adulthood, they hear and see everything, although most do not verbalize their fears. They have already inherited the gene which predisoses them to addiction, don't you think thats enough an issue to overcome?

Cocaine is one of the most difficult drugs to overcome, even if he gets into a strong recovery program and gets clean, the % of people who actually stay clean for life is less than 10%, not very good odds.

You will never get your husband back, drugs have altered the chemical balance in his brain, he is a changed man, and, probably not for the better.

You made a good decision for your children, his recovery does not depend on being with you and the children, if that were the case, he would not be addicted right now, would he?

Get to some Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More, read the stickies at the top of this forum and if necessary seek therapy.

We are here for you, keep posting.

outtolunch

Where's the ole BS flag when you need it?

The only way he can do it is to take responsibility for himself .

useyourwords

as usual, i second outtolunch not only is it total BS for him to say he can't do it without you, it is him manipulating you! no one can do anything for him except him. by putting his recovery back on you he is trying to make you feel guilty and responsible for things that are HIS issues, so that you will continue to enable him. You are exactly right, backing down on the boundary you set, that you will not live with an addict, would be enabling him.

You are not a failure! As a wife -- you are putting his addiction (and hopefully his recovery) on HIM. That is all you can do. Enabling him is NOT being a good wife, even if that is what he is trying to make you believe. As a mother -- you are protecting your children from an addict. If that is not a good mother, I don't know what is! As a friend -- friendship is earned. He has lost your friendship as a consequence of his actions, not because you have failed him as a friend. You say you failed yourself for letting this happen, but you do not control his actions or his addiction. All you control is you! You are seeking help for yourself, you are setting boundaries, and you are protecting your children. You should not be ashamed, you should be proud of the things you are doing to move forward. We have all made mistakes with the addicts we love, we have all enabled and done things that we would not have done knowing what we know now. All we can do is learn from these behaviors and past actions, move forward and grow.

***Wishing you all the best***

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

Tyler312

I second these three comments...

My wife had completely changed as a person. She was still loving and helpful to others, but when it came to our relationship and her ability to make decisions about her and our life, she was just not there. It is sad but true. It didn't matter if she was "on something" or not. She was just not right.

And Nar-Anon is a great resource. Everyone there has their own situation, but the themes are all the same. I usually come out of each meeting with a new idea, perspective or some other helpful words that I hadn't considered before.

-Tyler.

Justlizzyd

There is some truth to the old saying about being a fine line between love and hate. I've wanted to beat the snot out of my AH and in my mind I have, but know better because I was in an abusive relationship before. Sometimes we get so full of emotion, so angry, and so dissapointed that we do not know what to do with ourself. The book everyone talks about on this forum, Codependent No More, compairs the death of your dreams to the death of a loved one. Your dreams are experiencing a death and you will go through the stages of grief and anger is one of them. You need some serenity in your life and you can have it even though it seems impossible now, it is there for you. Don't beat yourself up, learn from your mistakes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get a plan of recovery going on for you. Your kids need you and need you whole. I know it does not feel like it right now, but you can have that.

Kindeyes

Your post was such an honest expression of grief, remorse, sadness and loneliness. It touched me.

You acted on an overwhelming flood of emotion. I'm not condemning or condoning the fact that you attacked your husband.......but I do understand it. So many times.....that could have been me. If you knew the thoughts that have passed through my mind at times of great stress, you'd be appalled. I'm not proud of those thoughts. And I have done things that were an indication of how very sick I became in the wake of this disease.

Sometimes it takes an event to bring clarity. Perhaps this was your event.

Keep sharing. It helps all of us to know that we are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

addictionwife

Thank you all for what you have said. I spent the morning looking for a support group in my area that I could start attending, as well as looking into one on one therapy of some kind for myself. I've found that for now at least, the therapy will have to wait. No way can I afford it with the crappy financial situation I've been left to deal with. I did find a local group that meets through the park district. It will be difficult to find a sitter but I will make it happen!