how do you know when an addict is sincere?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Steve,
Maybe you need to try another approach, and get angery. I mentioned that I too lost in a relationship months ago that left me reeling. It wasn't due to addiction, but there were many extenuating circumstances that made the relationship nearly impossible.
Still, I have spent months with my head spinning and I have on many occassion caught myself obsessing in very unhealthy ways about that man.
Now, I finally find myself angry. Nail spitting, pillow punching, scream at the top of my lungs ( only in the car lol) angry. I see through the hurt now and can focus on his selfish and callous behavior. I don't need that... happy trails you idiot.
It can be healing Steve...try it
Maybe you need to try another approach, and get angery. I mentioned that I too lost in a relationship months ago that left me reeling. It wasn't due to addiction, but there were many extenuating circumstances that made the relationship nearly impossible.
Still, I have spent months with my head spinning and I have on many occassion caught myself obsessing in very unhealthy ways about that man.
Now, I finally find myself angry. Nail spitting, pillow punching, scream at the top of my lungs ( only in the car lol) angry. I see through the hurt now and can focus on his selfish and callous behavior. I don't need that... happy trails you idiot.
It can be healing Steve...try it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
cece-
i went through a brief anger stage yesterday, but i have always had this compassionate part of me that transforms my anger. i then feel bad for the person i am angry at. i feel sad or pity that she does the things she does. not using drugs to necessarily excuse the behaviors, but feel bad that she is so lost. that is what gets me into trouble in this situation.
anvilhead-
i realize that she did not put in any effort. that it was talk. what i felt was that since she was clean for a few weeks in jail that maybe she was really able to find her center, to have a chance to think without the cloud of being high. that for a moment she could think clearly, or more clearly. that the experience in jail was a wake up and that she was able to feel her real feelings. but i also feared that it was jail talk and that things would be different once she walked. i really did believe that she believed this time would be different too. i see how mucha struggle this is for both sides.
i went through a brief anger stage yesterday, but i have always had this compassionate part of me that transforms my anger. i then feel bad for the person i am angry at. i feel sad or pity that she does the things she does. not using drugs to necessarily excuse the behaviors, but feel bad that she is so lost. that is what gets me into trouble in this situation.
anvilhead-
i realize that she did not put in any effort. that it was talk. what i felt was that since she was clean for a few weeks in jail that maybe she was really able to find her center, to have a chance to think without the cloud of being high. that for a moment she could think clearly, or more clearly. that the experience in jail was a wake up and that she was able to feel her real feelings. but i also feared that it was jail talk and that things would be different once she walked. i really did believe that she believed this time would be different too. i see how mucha struggle this is for both sides.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by steve1840 
cece-
i went through a brief anger stage yesterday, but i have always had this compassionate part of me that transforms my anger. i then feel bad for the person i am angry at. i feel sad or pity that she does the things she does. not using drugs to necessarily excuse the behaviors, but feel bad that she is so lost. that is what gets me into trouble in this situation.
i went through a brief anger stage yesterday, but i have always had this compassionate part of me that transforms my anger. i then feel bad for the person i am angry at. i feel sad or pity that she does the things she does. not using drugs to necessarily excuse the behaviors, but feel bad that she is so lost. that is what gets me into trouble in this situation.
This is psychology 101 stuff, and I felt like a big dummy when I figured it out in my therapists office. I laughed at myself, it was so obvious what I was doing!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by steve1840
cece-
she was clean for a few weeks in jail that maybe she was really able to find her center, to have a chance to think without the cloud of being high. that for a moment she could think clearly, or more clearly. that the experience in jail was a wake up and that she was able to feel her real feelings.
she was clean for a few weeks in jail that maybe she was really able to find her center, to have a chance to think without the cloud of being high. that for a moment she could think clearly, or more clearly. that the experience in jail was a wake up and that she was able to feel her real feelings.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by Chino
Turn the mirror around!!! You turn to mush because you see yourself in her. It's easier to feel sorry for yourself than to be angry enough to change your ways.
This is psychology 101 stuff, and I felt like a big dummy when I figured it out in my therapists office. I laughed at myself, it was so obvious what I was doing!
This is psychology 101 stuff, and I felt like a big dummy when I figured it out in my therapists office. I laughed at myself, it was so obvious what I was doing!
lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
its funny, i can see myself in her, as being part of my attraction to her, but i am unable to see it about the anger. unless- do you mean that i share a similar pain, so that being angry at her is like being angry me, but because of all the sadness i feel inside me its like i want to cry with her?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by steve1840
do you mean that i share a similar pain, so that being angry at her is like being angry me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i am starting to listen as best i can and the words are sounding different than they used to.
i think you know what i meant by pity- i think it is obvious that i do not feel superior, but that i feel bad for her.
yep, i;ve been telling my story here for a long long time, and i will keep telling it until i can let it go and give it up. other people words are FINALLY starting to penetrate.
i think you know what i meant by pity- i think it is obvious that i do not feel superior, but that i feel bad for her.
yep, i;ve been telling my story here for a long long time, and i will keep telling it until i can let it go and give it up. other people words are FINALLY starting to penetrate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
chino-
i believe i have reached the point of not making excuses for her. and that is allowing me to start putting the focus on me. and i am trying to accept that it is going to be long and not easy. one day at a time. then its a couple days behind me and i can slowly build a foundation.
i believe i have reached the point of not making excuses for her. and that is allowing me to start putting the focus on me. and i am trying to accept that it is going to be long and not easy. one day at a time. then its a couple days behind me and i can slowly build a foundation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i am figuring something else out too. having the chaos and anxiety is a way of holding on, maybe thats not exactly it, but i think it gives life to it all. there are these powerful ups and downs. i go from feeling right about taking care of me, to sinking about the collapse of the fantasy. and i remember writing before something about how i feel i give in to that sinking feeling, i dont try to, but for a moment it overwhelms me and in that moment i am overwhelmed by visions and thoughts of her. i try to take hold of it and say, it will pass, i'll be ok, i cannot change the situation, if i do not know where she is at or what she is doing, it is ok, i need to worry about me and what can bring me peace, becasue this time i want it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by steve1840
having the chaos and anxiety is a way of holding on, maybe thats not exactly it, but i think it gives life to it all.
Steve, there is a science to all this. Drama, among other activities and substances, fires up the pleasure center of the brain. It starts up an entire cycle of neurotransmitters working with hormones and you can't stop it once it starts. Anything that fires up the pleasure center of the brain has the potential to become addictive. So yes, the chaos and anxiety gives life to your addiction to her.
That is why NO CONTACT is strongly suggested so often. You have to give the addiction a chance to stop. Every time you engage, you fire up the pleasure center of your brain all over again.
There is a reason everyone always suggest exercise and eating right, music, hobbies -- anything else that activates the pleasure center when you're feeling low. Don't pick up, don't go back to your drug of choice (her). The only reason you do it again and again is because it's the easiest and fastest fix when your brain chemistry is out of whack. Find a new fix that is healthy for you. Stop using her to get your fix and for crying out loud, stay on your meds instead of going off them all the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i guess i was unable at the time to see it as addiction. but i do now. i saw how i would get all worked up and stress and all, then hear from her and feel better- it was a fix. i realized that when i didnt hear from her for a while i would start to feel a little better but then i would talk to her and after that rush wore off, i'd want more.
there is no other choice. i finally feel that she is gone and the only hope is her wanting rehab.
there are stories of what happened last night, but i dont even feel like sharing them. they are sad. but it is as is said- she is doing what addicts do.
i went to another new meeting last night and again it was really good. i dont understand how i feel so differently about them now, but i do. i listen and i share and it feels safe. i am looking forward to the one tonight. its still hard dealing with a mind that is filled with thoughts and she should be the person i can lean on, but shes an addict and shes not there for me. i held on to the dream for so long because i didnt want to be alone. the dream sustained me, but it really really feels like it is gone.
there is no other choice. i finally feel that she is gone and the only hope is her wanting rehab.
there are stories of what happened last night, but i dont even feel like sharing them. they are sad. but it is as is said- she is doing what addicts do.
i went to another new meeting last night and again it was really good. i dont understand how i feel so differently about them now, but i do. i listen and i share and it feels safe. i am looking forward to the one tonight. its still hard dealing with a mind that is filled with thoughts and she should be the person i can lean on, but shes an addict and shes not there for me. i held on to the dream for so long because i didnt want to be alone. the dream sustained me, but it really really feels like it is gone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i was doing ok today, trying to keep up, then out of no where a song pops in my head, its one she used to sing, and i am welling up inside about to burst, because this is really letting go and i am so sooo sad about her and sadness. she cant be happy. i jsut wish she could find peace. i know i will. i am on the path to that. but i am starting to cry over the past couple days and havent done that in a loooong time. its not even so much about letting go of the fantasy as it is feeling so sad for her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hey anvil-
the good thing is that the bad feelings are not lingering as long. i have ALWAYS been a feely person wrapped with emotions. never like rampant or out of control, but always had some sadness in my heart. i always felt love so purely. i wanted to give and share it with someone and for whatever reason i thought i found it in her. even when i knew i wasnt getting it from her, i still felt it was in her and coming out slowly. yeah, i was living in a fantasy. i guess that was better than nothing.
the thing is, i have never before let myself live that way. i felt obligated in a way to stick by her. maybe to show her how strong it was. one thing though is that being a feely person, i probably only ever made decisions based on my heart, based on feelings. that is why i has been so hard for me to detach.
this is the first time, in a long time that i feel that i have to let go. and letting go means facing myself alone and i think right now i dont want to be alone. maybe it is a thing that i dont want to face myself? that i had built up issues over the years and never addressed them, thinking that it all works itself out. maybe i replaced all of that baggage with her. and a part of that makes me feel guilty because i never meant to smother her. and beleive it or not i never really did. despite how i appear here, when we were together i gave a healthy distance. she did too. i only get this way when i feel her slipping away.
today is the first time for real that i have let go and it is so hard. i want to reach back to grab her hand but i know its not there anyway.
the good thing is that the bad feelings are not lingering as long. i have ALWAYS been a feely person wrapped with emotions. never like rampant or out of control, but always had some sadness in my heart. i always felt love so purely. i wanted to give and share it with someone and for whatever reason i thought i found it in her. even when i knew i wasnt getting it from her, i still felt it was in her and coming out slowly. yeah, i was living in a fantasy. i guess that was better than nothing.
the thing is, i have never before let myself live that way. i felt obligated in a way to stick by her. maybe to show her how strong it was. one thing though is that being a feely person, i probably only ever made decisions based on my heart, based on feelings. that is why i has been so hard for me to detach.
this is the first time, in a long time that i feel that i have to let go. and letting go means facing myself alone and i think right now i dont want to be alone. maybe it is a thing that i dont want to face myself? that i had built up issues over the years and never addressed them, thinking that it all works itself out. maybe i replaced all of that baggage with her. and a part of that makes me feel guilty because i never meant to smother her. and beleive it or not i never really did. despite how i appear here, when we were together i gave a healthy distance. she did too. i only get this way when i feel her slipping away.
today is the first time for real that i have let go and it is so hard. i want to reach back to grab her hand but i know its not there anyway.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
i always felt love so purely
Go to the pound or animal control and adopt a dog. Study your interactions with that dog. You will learn what REAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS. You feed them, you pet them, you play with them. Either they sleep on your bed or not.
And low and behold, doesn't matter if your are in a bad mood, if you just yelled at them, they come up and put their head under your hand or poke you with their nose, or like my Belgian poke with nose and then turn so I will scratch her but (Belgian Sheepdog trait) lol. They EXPECT so little from their humans, but absolutely adore them.
It was a very HARD CONCEPT for me to wrap my brain around and took years to comprehend that when I could care for someone with ALL their flaws just the way they were, then there was a chance I loved the person.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i didnt mean to imply that i felt love from her a pure, but that there is a purity of love in my heart- that is shown with my niece and three dogs for example. i meant that i felt i loved her purely- yes, despite her flaws. can i love the addiction- heck no, but i love her despite being an addict.
yes, the pups love their butts getting scratched!
yes, the pups love their butts getting scratched!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Perhaps letting go of this sadness and confusion will be less traumatic than you realize. Sadness, hope, anxiety, anticipation etc etc.. all those emotions for their situation is just a way to stay connected. Some way, any way.
And holding onto the negative feelings is very toxic Steve. That is what is so unhealthy in this. Every day you are chosing to let her life affect you so profoundly. It is unhealthy even if she were not an addict.
It is the drama and intensity we are so afraid to let go of. But let me tell ya how freeing it is. Even others around me notice how much 'better' I am and how I am more myself since letting go.
I still love the guy but was tired of the emotional roller coaster. I got off the ride and ran away from the theme park! You have season passes still.
And holding onto the negative feelings is very toxic Steve. That is what is so unhealthy in this. Every day you are chosing to let her life affect you so profoundly. It is unhealthy even if she were not an addict.
It is the drama and intensity we are so afraid to let go of. But let me tell ya how freeing it is. Even others around me notice how much 'better' I am and how I am more myself since letting go.
I still love the guy but was tired of the emotional roller coaster. I got off the ride and ran away from the theme park! You have season passes still.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
You can see it in face, their determination and struggle to avoid the past; you can see it on their action and definitely you’re heart will know. On the other hand sincere or not you have to believe them ‘coz based from write-ups that I read it’s just an initial reaction for the reason that they’re afraid to be out of their comfort zone, we have to be more patient and understanding.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
