CrazyGirl

My user name is from the country song . I have problems of my own that got me into the mess I am in. I don't use but have in my younger years. I have four small kids 10,8,6, and 4. Because of my own issues I seperated from my husband and met the love of my life. He had just gotten home from jail. I knew of hm for years before we met so I knew he had previous addiction issues. When he got home and he met he made so many promises that I believed because I wasn't educated. He lost his love almost 2 years ago to an overdose the mother of his child. He doesn't have custody of any of his 3 children. He was doing so well for a long time. I'm on the rollercoster, the abuse when he's not himself and I try to leave. I've mourned him many nights because I have felt like the man I loved is not him anymore. Sometimes he comes back but not for long. I don't know the truth from a lie. I know this sounds like so many other posts because I've spent all night reading them and I'm so thankful this forum is here. I've learned a lot. He's not using anything today, he doesn't have money either. Just the other day he took money from my bank again and lied I got the truth about it and what it was for. Pills it's for pills. When I started reading some of the posts on here to him he finally confessed he'd been using the pills with needles. I still don't have all the truth about everything but really what will it do. I know as soon as he gets money he will use again. He says he won't use the needles just a pill every now and again. I don't believe him. I lost my brother when I was 19 he was 25 my mom had "let go" and he didn't survive. It killed me. I can't do that again. All the excuses all the lies. He knows he has a problem he just won't admit he is powerless. I'm finally to the point where I am becoming able to admit I am powerless. My husband wants me to come home to him. I don't feel like I love my husband but that's my own issues. Regardless of any man in order to help my love I know I need to leave him. That's hard. Right now I'm waiting, waiting to cash his check friday so i can get my money back and waiting for him to use again so I have the proof I need to leave for good. Why am I waiting to be hurt why am I repeating the cycle I don't know. All the dreams all our hopes. We were evicted from our apartment because I couldn't keep up with the bills. He wasn't working because he got fired from nodding out on the job. He has warrants for non support. We have no life he keeps telling me we will. His mom gave him the money to pay his warrants, he bought lots and lots of herion and cocaine with this to "sell" , and as I saw to use. This is not the life I want to live. I wanted him I wanted our dream. Thanks for letting me share.

TMZ

Welcome, sorry you find yourself her but glad you found us.

Thanks for sharing. It is hard to admit but we have no control over them or the addiction. they are only using us to get what they want most, the drug. Until we pull back and let them feel the consequences they will keep it up and there are only 2 out comes and you already know that. You can't save him, you can't help him, you are too close to him. he needs professional help.

Keep posting, keep reading.
sending strength and prayers,

CrazyGirl

Oh and I keep thinking, well he's not as bad as he was before so a little bit is ok. I know it will get worse it's just hard to believe. My best friend from high school has been in prision since 98. She killed her mom, herion. When I wrote her and told her I met the love of my life and he had a previous issue. She wrote back and said "he will use again" just be ready for that. I didn't believe her when I told him he would say "well they don't know me" . she was right they all were. On any day I don't know if I'm waiting for the real excuse to leave and him to mess up yet again or if I'm waiting for that change. 9 months out of jail and he sill has nothing sleeping on his mom's living room floor with an air mattress.

outtolunch

I am so sorry for the plight that has brought you here.

Given your husband's prior history, it sounds as though you likely bought into a fantasy of who you wanted/needed him to be instead of who he is. Heck, for a brief period, maybe he bought into the same fanasty.

Regardless, he's a long time addict (a convicted felon?) with warrants over his head. Regardless of what he 's telling you, know it's not the whole truth. He's not taking care of his own bio kids and stealing from you and your kids.That's the reality of the situation.

No one, absolutely no one, just snaps out of heroin/opiate addiction, let alone IV addiction. If he's not way beyond sicker than a dog, he's using and likely more than once a day. No way could he possible report in for work. Addiction controls him and addiction does not let anything get in its way.

There is nothing to suggest he has any interest in recovery. Promises are just noise. Pay attention to his actions.

Protect your money, credit cards, checkbook, social security#, jewelry, TVs. and technology stuff. Anything and everything that can be hocked will likely disappear over time. If you are still intimate, please have yourself checked out for STDs. While it's common for heroin addicts to lose interest in sexual matters, you really don't know what he's doing and doing for money.

Get you plan of action in order and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

TMZ

It probably worse than you really know. not a good thought but do you want to end up like your friends mom? This is serious. You can't do anything to help him, love don't fix it.

Have you been to any nar-anon meetings? That helped me wake up.

CrazyGirl

Let me be a little more clear. I guess I wasn't in the first post because I really don't want to be judged anymore than I already am. My husband is the father of my kids, my husband is a good man who has never done a drug in his life, makes a lot of money is very stable but has his own issues. My bf is in my mind the love of my life.

When we met, he was clean. Well a few days after we met (he had been home a week) He took to 30mg perks. He first was swallowing them and it was just every other week. I don't know how it got so out of control. Snorting them next from one a day to a few a day. Then he had nothing. In bed for a week getting up just to pee. While I was working 16 hours and then had to walk home 2 miles because he was passed out on the couch. He can sleep through withdrawls. I've seen him do it. It was Sunday he took the money from me. He bought 4 30's, today his Tuesday. From Sunday through Monday he's just had those four. It's just still in his system. He got up for work this morning. He's working for my dad this week. He wasn't as affectionate I know he's getting grumpy because he hasn't had anything. I know he can go without until he gets paid. It just won't be pretty. When I told him I was done for taking my $ and came to the house to get my things. I had just a few things there. He wouldn't let me leave. He takes my phone and blocks the door. He says he will slash my tires. He tells me to remember he's stronger then me. That he will never hurt me but I can't leave him because he loves me and that breaking my windows an. d letting the air out of my tires is love. And the funny thing is I want that from him. I want him to not want me to leave I want to be loved like that. I know it's not love but I love his passion for me. I'm safe right now, I'm home with my son the one who isn't in school. My husband lets me stay at the house to be with the kids. I'm in counseling for my own issues and trying to get better from my abusive past. I want to go to meetings they are hard to find around here there is one it's after a NA meeting in the same building. My BF seems so strong sometimes. He does things I've never seen other addicts do. It seems like he controls it very well. Is he a convicted felon? I don't know to be honest. The last time he was in jail he locked himself in his home with the police surrounding the place for like 16 hours. 3 counties of police were there they shut the whole neighborhood down. He just sat in there and got high until he had no more left then he came out. He got tazored, he got bit by the dog and arrested. He had no cares. When he met me, he said I reminded him so much of the love he lost he felt like he had been given a second chance. I have a good life I could go home too. But, I can't be myself here. Truth is I don't know who I am but I'm on the road to find out. I dream of the farm my BF and I planned on having with all our animals and the kids. He loves animals and kids. He's great with both. Oh and I get a story about when he was 17 he walked in on his gf cheating on him and he shot the guy and spent 5 years in prison. I've asked his sister about that she said no but she wasn't really around and didn't seem really sure herself. He just told me he has stomach cancer....wow and I know I know it's a lie but then a little part of my head says what if it's not. I know to trust my gut i've learned that from a past relationship. But we want to be blind to the truth because it hurts so bad. There is a lot to learn for me and I am willing. I just don't know the steps. I will try to go to the next naranon meeting I can find. Thank You so much for your support.

CrazyGirl

His gf that passed was HIV + but her son has nothing, My Bf's sister has custody of him and I talk to his sister. He says he always uses clean needles. He told me when he was home from jail he did not have anything. I believe that. As far as now goes I don't know. Facing all of this is very scary for me.

CrazyGirl

Yes my husband has the kids. We just did a mediation agreement that gives us both legal joint custody. But regardless in all agreements the kids are not allowed around my bf. I'm having bad anxiety right now worried to death that I may have HIV or something. Only because I believed so much at first now I'm seeing all of his lies.

outtolunch

I misunderstood your post. No judgment implied on my end.

outtolunch

Just curious. How long have you know your BF?

BTW, stomach cancer is a rather common excuse hard core opiate addicts use to protect their addiction, explain temporary withdrawal symptoms and the very real cycle of vomiting and elimination issues that accompany addiction.

CrazyGirl

I've known him for 9 months but knew of him 2 years before and we didn't know each other but know of a lot of the same people. He has been swearing all day he never ever used any needle but his own. He also said he's ready again to stop. He wants to give me all his money. What do I do?

outtolunch

So many of us put ourselves in the position of being warden to an addict. We have controlled the purse strings, tested them daily, checked their text messages and voice mail. emptied pockets and purses and more.

He's an adult and responsible for himself. Don't diminish him to a child to keep him cause it's not going to work out.

CrazyGirl

I understand where u are coming from but don't bring my kids into it. I'm Here for help with loving an addict not patenting advice I'm there for my kids every chance I get. I'm in counseling for my separate issues. Hating myself for possibly getting HIV for stupid decisions will get me nowhere I'd love to say I hate him but I don't.

You are right if he's ready he will do it on his own. But should I expect him to do it cold turkey?

dollydo

Why would you put your ABF before your children? This does not compute to me.

I too hope that you are not HIV positive and very happy that your husband is a responsible parent.

I have no advice. good luck to you!

CrazyGirl

I never intended to put him before my Kids as far as I am concerned I haven't. Yes making rational decisions as an adult is a good thing. I'm not really wanting to talk about me just my bf just educating myself that's y I am here. I'm In counseling as I said for my own issues on y I got into this mess. I can't just make a decision and say oh I'm all better now after years of trauma. I have PTSD. It's an aweful life to live. I didn't want to be judged but I know it's hard for others not to. I know that I am the only one responsible for myself and my own actions that is y I am doing what needs to be done to get me better. You may think you know my husband from the little ibsaid but I'm not in the situation I am all by myself. I didn't go into details because it's not about my marriage or my kids. Again I'm trying to educate myself to help myself.

Bf and I talked he said he wanted to get clean he said hold his $ that's y I asked I'm new at this. I don't know what to expect. He says he will have to take some pills still so he can wean off. I dont know what's normal what's not and how to tell if he's ready. Most of you seem experienced that's y I'm here until I can get to a meeting. Regardless of staying or detatching I love him bottom-line.

CrazyGirl

Oh and my appt to get tested is thurs morning. I'll keep you posted all I can do is pray.

outtolunch

Best advise anyone here can give you is to not expect him to do anything regardless of what he promises.

All that matters are his actions.

Regardless of what he does or not, the healthiest thing to do for you is to decide what's acceptable to you. A solid boundary begins with "I will/will not..." as opposed to an attempt to control which usually begins with " you will/ will not...or else"

So, just for example," I will not be in a relationship with someone who threatens me" is a boundary. It puts you in control and when and if you find yourself involved with someone who has to resort to threathening you to keep you around, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

CrazyGirl

Thank you I needed that advice. Sounds silly that I didn't already know that. So is it just an excuse to take a small mg to get by til he can wean or should ibset boundaries and time limits and stick to them

useyourwords

Only you can determine what your boundaries are, but my opinion is that if he is trying to get clean (weaning or cold turkey) without support (detox, rehab, clinic, or NA) that he is not truly serious about getting clean. Others may disagree, but "wanting" to getting clean without help in my experience is a red flag. Most of us here have heard the claims of wanting to get clean over and over again. WORDS MEAN NOTHING. Like outtolunch said, all that counts are actions.

Your story reminds me very much of a friend of mine, so please let me say right off that some of my thoughts might be clouded by what I know of her situation. From what I understand you met him just a few days after he was released from jail, and he started using again just a few days after that. Though I realize you love him, from an outsider reading your experience it sounds a lot more like you love the *idea* of him (and the idea of someone and something other than your husband and the life you had with him). You did not even know your bf for more than a few days without him using, and it sounds like he has described a life with you that you love, but that life has not actually ever existed. Addicts are great at manipulating us codies, knowing what we want to hear, and saying it at just the right times. But again, words mean nothing!! The life you have had with him sounds like it has been drugs and abuse, and from what you describe there is no reason for you to believe that will change.

So my only advice might not be that helpful -- work on yourself! The reason others brought your children into the discussion is because you told us about them You may not directly feel like you are putting him before them, but clearly he is absorbing an incredible amount of your time, energy, and emotions. He is taking a psychological and emotional toll on you, causing unnecessary anxiety, and generally turning your life into the tornado that so many of us have experienced in our own relationships with addicts. By letting him do that do you he is impacting your kids -- he is impacting the person you are when you are with them, the emotions and energy you have for them, etc. That is in no way parenting advice -- it sounds like your husband is caring for your kids and you are being there for them when you can. But do not underestimate the impact an addict has on who we are and how we interact with everyone else in our lives. As someone posted the other day (can't remember who!) addicts rent space in our brains when they consume us in the way you have described.

Best of luck! I am glad you found this site and I will be thinking of you on Thursday.