Don't know who to trust

Old 10-24-2011, 11:58 PM
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Lightbulb Don't know who to trust

Good evening avid readers,

Ugh. I don't know where to begin. I have the RO in place for the XABF but have had the worst two weeks of my life and I don't know why my sanity is being tested. I thought shutting the door on the addict meant good things for me. Anywhoo, I will fill you in.
So about two weeks ago, the RO was served to "JJ". For the first time in many years, I felt relief. I stopped the cycle of him showing up at our home, demanding money and holding me emotionally hostage. The courts did decide that having him and I under our same roof was intolerable. But that only lasted a few hours. By the next morning, he contacted my mom to let her know that "he never layed a hand on me". My mom just hung up on him. True, he never did, but my lord, I have enough holes in my walls, broken table and the personal emotional scars to prove that he is abusive. He then facebooked a friend of mine to get a hold of me to give him some money to go to rehab. I should have called the police right then and there b/c that was a direct violation of the No Contact order, but I didn't. I think the reason I didn't was I just wanted some peace. A moment of normal. And again by calling the police, having them come over, making a statement, etc, etc, things were getting stirred up again. I ignored what he did and things were quiet for a week.
Our cat, who we've had for our whole relationship of about 7 years, just got horribly ill, about a week into the RO. She swelled up like a beach ball almost overnight and I rushed her to the ER vet. I expected that maybe she had a bladder issue, we'd get some meds and her and I would go home that night. But the prognosis was quite dire. Either she has a tumor or FIP, an incurable disease and they needed to keep her overnight for tests. Either way, a grim situation.
I left the vet stunned, not expecting that horrible news, and fell apart once I sat in my vehicle. I was so upset, so devastated. I was inconsolable. I don't have children but my animals are my kids and I treat them better than I treat myself. My cat was there for me, all these years with XABF, all those nights he went MIA, she was there to comfort me.
So in my moment of weakness, at 5am, in the vet parking lot, I texted XABF brother to tell XABF, if he wanted to see our cat, because odds are she will be put down, to go to this vet office. I wasn't hoping to meet up with him, because I immediately took off to go home. I was thinking more on a compassion level, that XABF might want to say goodbye to her.
I didn't get any reply, which was fine with me. I went home and cried myself to sleep.
The vet called the next day, unsure what was wrong with the cat, and asked me to pick her up and we were to have a "wait and see" attitude. ( I forked over $1000 to wait and see?) So 15 hours after I dropped her off, I went to go and pick her up to bring her home and watch her in pain.
The moment I left my driveway to go get her, I received a text from XABF's brother, say that XABF wants to meet me for coffee! I said no, there is a RO in place, I can't and don't want to. The next thing I get texted was a request for XABF to MEET me at the vet to see our cat. Again, I said no, that was not allowed and I was two minutes away from picking her up.
I pick up the cat and XABF is waiting in the parking lot!!! He was shedding crocodile tears about the cat. Said he wanted to see her, but wouldn't get out to come and look at her or pet her. I hissed why he was at the vet and he seemed to think that the RO only applied to our home or my work. I told him NO CONTACT was NO CONTACT! Anyways, in the parking lot we went for another 1 hour conversation that went nowhere. I figured since he already blew the terms of the RO within the first few hours by contacting my friends and family regarding me, whatever, I'd waste my time by saying the same things I've said a million times before.
I left the parking lot, ticked off. Where does he get this notion that rules do not apply? I fully understand I communicated via his brother but I wasn't trying to meet up with him. I thought it would be cruel to possible put our cat down without him knowing. HE is trying to have bloody coffee with me! Like nothing between us has happened!
I stewed about it for a couple days and just got mad and phoned the police. I didn't want him arrested but he was getting a little too comfy by contacting friends, family and showing up where I was.
The police came over and I told them everything. I was honest in what I did in contacting his brother to send a message. They gave me crap for that too but appreciated I was honest. Then a wonderful thing happened.
The XABF, CALLED me as the police were in my house. The policewoman grabbed my phone and answered it. She talked to him for twenty minutes, restating the rules that were in place. XABF, who can lie like a snake, threw me under the bus, saying that i was calling him from a private number. Weird. THATS EXACTLY HOW HE CALLED ME!
And then it hit me. Why was I trying to be so considerate and think about his feelings regarding our pet when in the moment of crunch time, he walks all over me? I have been in this relationship alone the whole time anyways. What's another crisis I have to tackle on my own?
Grrr.
Anywhoo, my cat is still not well, in a state of limbo. Take her back in tomorrow for another assessment and I am going to have to make some tough decisions from there.
Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:42 AM
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If you do even one little thing to crack the door open.....first they start with a toe, then their whole foot....then they are walking right back in like they own you and the whole world.

They need to know that NO CONTACT is firmly and undeniably in place.
NO MATTER WHAT

The only way I could do this (at first) was to pretend that my daughter was dead.


I know....it's morbid sounding. But the whole addiction/manipulation thing is crazy and worse in the long run...because it keeps doing damage over and over....to them and to you.
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:10 PM
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We need to learn to trust ourselves and our own boandaries. The rest is beyond our control.
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:15 PM
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Stop thinking of his feelings. You have an RO in place and you know what that means. Follow the rules just as you expect him to follow them. The cat is your responsibility and you will make the decisions that need to be made. It's none of his business. Losing contact with the cat is just another consequence of his actions. Take care of yourself and your beloved kitty.
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