Farfalla

Thank you all for your continued support. I am still healing and trying to work on myself. It is hard when I think about my husband and the situation he is in. It is my nature to try to comfort and make everything ok for everyone. I have not started reading Codependent No More yet. I am working on another book right now as part of my therapy homework assignment. I guess my husband is seeing that he doesn't have the comforts of home because I received a text message this morning stating he wants to come home. I know he is not willing to make any changes. I will not allow him in our home while using anything.

This weekend my daughter was home from college. She made plans with her father to go to dinner on Saturday at a set time. When the time rolled around and her father wasn't at the house she called him. He stated he was taking a nap. She got upset and they must have had words back and forth because then I started to receive text messages from him how selfish she was blah blah blah. I walked into my daughter's bedroom to find her crying. She stated she feels like she always has to beg her father to see her. It broke my heart to watch her hurt and in emotional pain. It is one thing to hurt me but to hurt my child is no excuse. My kids are wonderful! It is truly his loss. I hugged her. I apologized for him and his behavior and I took her out to eat. While we were there and already into our meal in walks her dad. He acts like nothing is wrong.

My kids always know who they can turn to. When they need anything they come to me. I take care of everyone. I take care of the house, their needs, their wants, work full-time, cook, clean, rides, school, homework, etc. They never ask their father to do anything or for anything. It has always been an issue or a negative comment when they would ask him to do anything so they just simply stopped.

I am starting to enjoy my quiet time. I am reading. I am writing in my journal. I just bought a new tv this weekend for our family room so I caught up on all my Boardwalk Empire episodes I haven't seen since my husband took our tv out. (my son told him I got a new tv and he replied I don't know why your mother bought a tv I will be moving back home) I don't feel this is something he should be discussing with our son.

Is it normal to second guess your decision? This is really bothering me. The What Ifs. I don't feel he loves me. I know addiction is a disease but I feel as a human you have control and willpower. Maybe I don't really believe it is a disease after all. You chose to do drugs, you chose not to do drugs. Life is about choice. If he loved me he wouldn't do drugs. This is what I keep telling myself. Wrong of me? If he loved me he wouldn't be in an apartment with a mattress on the floor. If he loved us he would just go get help. Again wrong? I know people on here say he is in denial but really I believe he knows he has a problem just will not admit it.

I am afraid I will get into a vulnerable mood and cave in. Especially during my PMS week.

I need words of support and encouragement from my SR family here. I am scared. I am scared I will allow this man back into our home because my guard may be weakened or let down. Do I love him or am I trying to just hold onto something I never had? Am I trying to make him into something he isn't?

hope213

i am sorry u r going thru all of this. i feel your hurt. if you truely believe you do not want your husband back in the house stop talking to him. do not take his calls. let him know u r in a support group & the best thing for him to do is put his focus on himself. taking care of you is the most important thing. do the things u want to do for a change. go to face to face meetings & keep coming back here. he is selfish & wants you to do all the things for him. if u do he will never get help or recover. hugs & prAYERS,

suki44883

It sounds like your children are old enough to decide what kind of relationship they want with their father. It was kind of you to console her and take her out to eat, but you can't really apologize for your husband.

This is a man who STOLE from your family and went through your daughter's jewelry. He is not trustworthy and it doesn't sound like he's done one thing about getting help for his addiction. This means he isn't done yet. So, why would you allow him to come back home? You'd be in the exact same spot you were in before. He is not what you want him to be. He's an addict doing what addicts do. You deserve better.

outtolunch

Please stop making this about you. He is not using drugs at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way. While I have no first hand experience with drugs, the analogy I used is that an addict deep into addiction feels the need for drugs the same way I need air to live. Recovery from addition and codependency is like learning to live underwater.

People, especially women, do a lot of really stupid things because they are lonely and unwilling to let go of their fantasies. They are addicted to the drama and chaos ... need it like air and rationalize it all with that 4 letter word called love. They often do this despite knowing it's not a good enviornment for the kids. I mean no snark when I say, if you are not ready, well then, bake him a cake, sing a song and bring him home. Ignore his actions and and believe his words for as long as you care to do so.

Know that your children are learning from you how to let the world treat them.

Farfalla

No it is not best to have THIS person in their lives. Difficult for my son to understand. He needs a role model. His father is not a role model for my son. I would never want my son to treat a woman the way his father does. I would not want my son using drugs and by allowing his father in our home sends the wrong message to both of my children that drugs of ANY KIND are acceptable.

Farfalla

Thank you. You are absolutely right. I know I should of not apologized for his actions. It is one of those things that just came out as I was consoling her. I do not want her to hate her father. I know if my kids knew all the hurt their father has caused me over the years they would definitely hate him.

Farfalla

Exactly. This is how I feel when I am lonely. I feel vulnerable at these times. I am working on keeping myself busy during these times especially.

Yes, especially my daughter...I am setting an example. A man should treat her with respect. Her father does anything but that to her mother although in his distorted mind he feels he is respectful. My son, well he will learn from his Mother how to treat a lady with respect.

Hopencope

Hi Familydestroyed. I am new to this forum and to this thread. I was trying to read more on your story because I could relate. I am married to an ACOA and pot smoker. It has really interferred with our marriage and family life and I am seriously considering leaving him. We have tried therapy, but he drops out all the time. Is this your case? Did you leave him or did he leave you? He has threatened to leave me, but never does. I wish he would do me that favor! In the past I would talk him out of it and cry when he threatened to leave. Now I tell him to get out lol but he stays. I have made life to comfortable for him and I hate to admit it but continue to do so. Like you I do it all and the kids come to me not him. On top of all the house/life day to day stuff I was also working full time up until last year. I resigned due to anxiety attacks. If I can't help him or get him to help himself, then I must work on myself for the sake of my kids. I would love to know more about your story.

outtolunch

It's amazing the kind of behaviors we accept to not feel lonley. Keeping busy is temporary distraction. Sitting with this feeling called lonliness is a learned skill.

dollydo

Think with your head, not your heart. Your heart is not designed to do the thinking, your head is.

You have made some bad decisions that have affected your children. Stop and think before you let your emotions take over your common sense.

Assign your priorities and stick to them, this man is not going to change, sober or not, he is toxic.

Kindeyes

That is the essence of denial.

gentle hug
ke

hereagain2

Thanks for sharing, I am a parent that drinks, I never want to destroy my family, thank you I think I really needed to read that today

Farfalla

Hi Hopencope. Welcome!

I am still learning all the abbreviations. What does ACOA mean?

Therapy has not worked for us as a couple. My husband is not truthful and never likes anything they call him out on. I believe therapy has not worked because he is always high. How can you work on your marriage when you are high? He has to work on himself first in order for marriage counseling to be effective.

We had the same problem. He would always threaten to leave me. I would cry and beg him to stay and work on things. He would leave and go to his mothers for a few days. Come back. Cycle starts all over again. My son and I are in therapy. My husband says he doesn't need therapy. My son's therapist without disclosing what specifically my son told him in counseling insisted either me and my son leave the home or my husband leave. At this point I was asking my husband to leave and he wouldn't. The tables turned.

I also made my husband's life comfortable. Took care of everything even down to making his damn lunch everyday. I took care of EVERYTHING in the home and for the family. He works everyday and feels because he brings home a paycheck that is all he needs to do. Also, he feels sitting on the couch everyday after work high from smoking weed all afternoon and whatever else he is taking is ok because he has a labor intensive job and needs to relax. My husband makes a very good living. He feels he is an adult and can do whatever he wants and not have to answer to anyone including his wife.

His drug of choice are pot, opiates, suboxone and I suspected and confirmed cocaine. I was recently told the blue drug bags I found in his shed were used for cocaine not weed because they are too small. My husband also gambles especially during football season.

We have been married for 20 years. We have two children, a daughter 18 and a son 13. My daughter is away at college. Thank GOD!

Four weeks ago my husband moved out. He is now asking to come home but he has not obtained any help for his addiction because he is in denial and feels he has his life under control.

My husband cheated on me three years ago. My husband has lied to me. My husband has stole from me and my children. In regards to cheating on me I learned of an affair he had for a few months. He ended it and the wh*re called me and my daughter that very same day to fill us in on her relationship with my husband. She shared with us BOTH (me and my daughter) all the gross details of the drugs they did together and all the sexual acts they engaged in. I had to literally change our phone numbers. Also, this wh*re was only 7 years older than his daughter mind you. Through spiritual counseling I forgave my husband or so I thought because I am still very resentful. My husband made his peace with GOD and my family who did not speak to him for a year. When I recently discovered he was engaging in cocaine and porn it brought back all the feelings I thought I put behind me. I can't help but wonder what he will expose me to physically. My children need a healthy parent. Even if he didn't physically cheat on me, if he shared straws with another I could be exposed to Hepatitis C. I love myself too much to put myself at risk to contract anything. It was this same behavior three years ago that broke our relationship and what I stood in front of GOD and vowed. Only one of us kept their vows.

It hurts to see my husband falling but he hasn't reached his bottom. Until he does he will not get help. I can't control him. I can't fix him.

I was recently given the homework assignment in therapy to read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It is an easy read and very helpful regardless if you remain in the marriage or not.

When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, ONE takes on too much responsibility and resents it (me). The other (my husband) does not take on enough and becomes self centered and controlling. It is funny because he always says I am trying to control him by telling him I will not allow anyone under the influence in our home. He is the one in control of the situation. I can't control him. I can't cure him. I didn't cause it. I am in control of my own life. I am in control of my own destiny. I don't know what the future holds for us as a couple. I can only take care of myself and my children.

Farfalla

Outtolunch you are always right on. Thank you.

My son is living for a trip to Florida for 9 days this week. I will have to learn how to sit with loneliness this week. Any suggestions on how to learn this skill?

Farfalla

dollydo
You sound like my mother! She continually asks me how much more abuse am I going to allow this man to give me.
Emotions taking over my common sense...so true. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly.

hopeful0323

It seems to me that he is not even treating your children with respect.
Your daughter's situation is exactly like the relationship I had with my alcoholic father. She sounds like she is old enough to make her own decisions. Let me just tell you, no amount of my mom consoling me or trying to make it up to me for my dad ever made it hurt any less. And BTW, my mom being an alanon lifer never apologized for his behavior, because it wasn't her behavior. The only way I could move past the hurt and disappointment was by not making plans with my dad. If he came by and I was available, we would grab something to eat. Then he started keeping plans and things were better for awhile (of course this was after having my first daughter, whom he was madly in love with!). My father died two years ago at age 50 and I still have to work on some of the problems I have which I believe is a direct results of my relationship with my dad, but I do not regret any decisions I made as an adult as far as our relationship goes.

Farfalla

Thank you for sharing. I have not attend alanon. On a previous thread a person in my area posted a meeting site. Maybe I will check it out while my son is away.

hopeful0323

Alanon gave my mother sanity and the ability to make good choices for her children. Now, I have been going to alanon for two months and it is changing my thinking and behavior everyday! The biggest thing that drove me to alanon was my axbf(also father of my children). Maybe your daughter might be interested in alanon or alateen also, because sometimes our past comes back to haunt us. I really wish I had gone to alanon years ago, maybe I wouldn't have ended up in the situations that I have been in.

Hopencope

Familydestroyed, thank you so much for your reply. You sound like a very strong woman and able to take care of things very well on your own. If you were not strong, you would not have gone through 20 years of crap and survived. He did you a favor by leaving. Concentrate on yourself and your happiness from now on. I have been married for 18 years and have three kids. My son is 14 and knows about his dad's addiction and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic). My daughters are 8 years old and still don't know, but think daddy is mean...one of them said "why did you have to marry this guy" in front of him!

Continue to be strong and hang in there for you and your kids!