does separating work? Does anything work?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham, WA
Posts: 3
does separating work? Does anything work?
I'm new tonight. I knew I needed to do something to reach out and crack out of my victim shell. My friends know, my family knows but everyone has their own advice. None of it is the same.
My husband is mostly an alcoholic but also has been using meth lately. We have been married for 6 years and he has been clean/sober for no more than a few months at a time throughout. After sitting home with my 3 kids for several nights and days in a row with no word from him I finally contacted my pastor and asked what I should do. He suggested separation. A long one this time, a full year. And not to reunite until he can show me he can stay sober and off drugs for that long. Considering I have left him so many times over this and weeks or months later he wins my heart back and I take him in just to see him fall again, a year seemed reasonable.
Right now, though, I am feeling so sad and alone. I miss him already. I told him my decision and that I will be leaving town and starting a fresh page in my home town and he took off. I have not seen him since. I'll be a single mom and working a full time job and going to school so I can get on my feet.
Has anyone out there been through this and had it work?
My husband tells me the opposite is true, that he needs my support and love in order to get and stay sober. I tell him, in 6 years, that has yet to work. He responds, these things take time... recovery is a process. He's a good manipulator.
My husband is mostly an alcoholic but also has been using meth lately. We have been married for 6 years and he has been clean/sober for no more than a few months at a time throughout. After sitting home with my 3 kids for several nights and days in a row with no word from him I finally contacted my pastor and asked what I should do. He suggested separation. A long one this time, a full year. And not to reunite until he can show me he can stay sober and off drugs for that long. Considering I have left him so many times over this and weeks or months later he wins my heart back and I take him in just to see him fall again, a year seemed reasonable.
Right now, though, I am feeling so sad and alone. I miss him already. I told him my decision and that I will be leaving town and starting a fresh page in my home town and he took off. I have not seen him since. I'll be a single mom and working a full time job and going to school so I can get on my feet.
Has anyone out there been through this and had it work?
My husband tells me the opposite is true, that he needs my support and love in order to get and stay sober. I tell him, in 6 years, that has yet to work. He responds, these things take time... recovery is a process. He's a good manipulator.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by hangingbythread 
I'll be a single mom and working a full time job and going to school so I can get on my feet.
Has anyone out there been through this and had it work?
My husband tells me the opposite is true, that he needs my support and love in order to get and stay sober. I tell him, in 6 years, that has yet to work. He responds, these things take time... recovery is a process. He's a good manipulator.
Has anyone out there been through this and had it work?
My husband tells me the opposite is true, that he needs my support and love in order to get and stay sober. I tell him, in 6 years, that has yet to work. He responds, these things take time... recovery is a process. He's a good manipulator.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
If he wants recovery he will get all the support he needs through AA and NA. It all starts and ends with him, you hold no power over him or his behavior.
Meth is a real nasty drug, once it takes hold there is no turning back, the only chance he will have to get and stay off the drug, is to embrace a strong recovery program and even then there are no guarantees. The recovery for life % is very low under 10%.
Your first priorty must be your children, they should not live with an addict under any circumstances. They have already inherited the gene which predisposes them to becoming an addict/alcoholic, and seeing it go on right in front of their face only compounds their issues as adults.
Go forward, become self-sufficent, set a good example for your children, you can and will do this, for them.
Keep posting, read all the stickies at the top of this forum, and consider attending Naranon meetings, it will help you to better understand what you are dealing with.
If he wants recovery he will get all the support he needs through AA and NA. It all starts and ends with him, you hold no power over him or his behavior.
Meth is a real nasty drug, once it takes hold there is no turning back, the only chance he will have to get and stay off the drug, is to embrace a strong recovery program and even then there are no guarantees. The recovery for life % is very low under 10%.
Your first priorty must be your children, they should not live with an addict under any circumstances. They have already inherited the gene which predisposes them to becoming an addict/alcoholic, and seeing it go on right in front of their face only compounds their issues as adults.
Go forward, become self-sufficent, set a good example for your children, you can and will do this, for them.
Keep posting, read all the stickies at the top of this forum, and consider attending Naranon meetings, it will help you to better understand what you are dealing with.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Does separating work? Does anything work?
That depends on what you mean by "work." If you mean will it make him stop drinking and using meth? That is very doubtful. He won't quit that until he truly wants to and gets help and works a strong program consistently.
If you mean will it give you some peace from the madness and chaos, then yes, it will work. I'm sure you know you cannot control him, so you have to take care of the only thing you can control and that is the well-being and safety of yourself and your children.
Check your motives for leaving and you'll have your answer.
That depends on what you mean by "work." If you mean will it make him stop drinking and using meth? That is very doubtful. He won't quit that until he truly wants to and gets help and works a strong program consistently.
If you mean will it give you some peace from the madness and chaos, then yes, it will work. I'm sure you know you cannot control him, so you have to take care of the only thing you can control and that is the well-being and safety of yourself and your children.
Check your motives for leaving and you'll have your answer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Motives.
I have done so many things with inappropriate motives--to control another person. This is not done with bad intentions. I truly believed with all my heart that I knew what was best and would do whatever I thought might cause another person to do what they "should do". And quite honestly, I was unaware of this behavior in myself. It never occurred to me that my "motives" were anything less than pure and good. In retrospect, my motives were often to control the behavior or reaction of another person.
Suki said it beautifully. If separating is to give yourself the time and space to make your own life less chaotic, the separation will work toward that goal. The motives are appropriate.
If separating is to make him realize what he is losing because of his addictions, it simply won't work. The motive would be control.
The same action--with different motives--can have very different results.
Once I got to the point of separation from my XAH, there was no turning back for me. My life became so much more manageable once he was out of the house. The chaos was lifted and I found tremendous relief. I waited for a very long time before separating and my love for him lessened during that time. His antics became beyond annoying and unacceptable. But to be completely honest......my behavior was also often unacceptable. The pain of separating from him became less than the pain of living with him.
No one here can explore your motives. Only you can do that. I have shared my experience and it is just that.....mine.
If you have not read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie--it's a great beginning to understanding codependency and seeing if there are behaviors that you can relate to. If you haven't visited the rooms of Nar-anon or Al-anon, that's another great way to explore yourself and understand the dynamics involved with the dance of addiction. Those rooms and the literature saved my life....literally.
gentle hugs
ke
I have done so many things with inappropriate motives--to control another person. This is not done with bad intentions. I truly believed with all my heart that I knew what was best and would do whatever I thought might cause another person to do what they "should do". And quite honestly, I was unaware of this behavior in myself. It never occurred to me that my "motives" were anything less than pure and good. In retrospect, my motives were often to control the behavior or reaction of another person.
Suki said it beautifully. If separating is to give yourself the time and space to make your own life less chaotic, the separation will work toward that goal. The motives are appropriate.
If separating is to make him realize what he is losing because of his addictions, it simply won't work. The motive would be control.
The same action--with different motives--can have very different results.
Once I got to the point of separation from my XAH, there was no turning back for me. My life became so much more manageable once he was out of the house. The chaos was lifted and I found tremendous relief. I waited for a very long time before separating and my love for him lessened during that time. His antics became beyond annoying and unacceptable. But to be completely honest......my behavior was also often unacceptable. The pain of separating from him became less than the pain of living with him.
No one here can explore your motives. Only you can do that. I have shared my experience and it is just that.....mine.
If you have not read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie--it's a great beginning to understanding codependency and seeing if there are behaviors that you can relate to. If you haven't visited the rooms of Nar-anon or Al-anon, that's another great way to explore yourself and understand the dynamics involved with the dance of addiction. Those rooms and the literature saved my life....literally.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham, WA
Posts: 3
Wow, thank you for all your advice. I guess my motive was a bit of a mix of each. The way I was seeing it, if it didn't end up being a wake up call for him, then at least I would have the peace and relief of not having to be face to face with his behaviors every day.
As I type this he is in our bedroom crashing from a 3 day meth binge that followed a 2 day drinking binge. When he got home in the middle of the night he closed all the blinds and turned off the lights and made himself some food in our dark kitchen. I got up to see what the noise was and asked him why the lights were off. He told me there has been a man following him around trying to cast a spell on him that would turn him into a pedophile. Fun times..
I have an apartment picked out in Washington and will be moving back around the first of the month with my twin babies and thirteen year old. The thought of not having to deal with the craziness any more gives me peace just thinking about it. It's also so hard though to find a place of balance between hope and reality. If I didn't love him any more it would be a no brainer. Easy. But I do.
I'm also thinking of how our relationship used to be when we were engaged and not living together yet. He had been sober 5 years when we met and started relapsing here and there right before the wedding. But, I didn't know what that looked like for him. I never saw him drink or drunk. He had his own life outside of my home. I never worried and I never knew. His addiction did not affect me in any way back then. I can't help but wonder if things could work for us like this. I have my peace, my space and my own freedom and life but we still have our relationship in a different version. Could this be healthy? Is it possible to set healthy boundaries and still have a relationship with him?
As I type this he is in our bedroom crashing from a 3 day meth binge that followed a 2 day drinking binge. When he got home in the middle of the night he closed all the blinds and turned off the lights and made himself some food in our dark kitchen. I got up to see what the noise was and asked him why the lights were off. He told me there has been a man following him around trying to cast a spell on him that would turn him into a pedophile. Fun times..
I have an apartment picked out in Washington and will be moving back around the first of the month with my twin babies and thirteen year old. The thought of not having to deal with the craziness any more gives me peace just thinking about it. It's also so hard though to find a place of balance between hope and reality. If I didn't love him any more it would be a no brainer. Easy. But I do.
I'm also thinking of how our relationship used to be when we were engaged and not living together yet. He had been sober 5 years when we met and started relapsing here and there right before the wedding. But, I didn't know what that looked like for him. I never saw him drink or drunk. He had his own life outside of my home. I never worried and I never knew. His addiction did not affect me in any way back then. I can't help but wonder if things could work for us like this. I have my peace, my space and my own freedom and life but we still have our relationship in a different version. Could this be healthy? Is it possible to set healthy boundaries and still have a relationship with him?
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
single mom with 2 young kids....no let me say this again...WIDOW....son was ten months old and prego with my daughter when my hubby died...it can be done, and it DOES get better with time....and PATIENCE....
i am not perfect but as AL ANON says...progress not prefection.....I agree
i am not perfect but as AL ANON says...progress not prefection.....I agree
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Meth has taken over, there is no chance at this point to have a healthy relationship with him.
Meth addicts can get physically abusive, so be careful, this is not going to be a pretty story, he is already delusional.
You are not safe with him, don't let your guard down.
Meth addicts can get physically abusive, so be careful, this is not going to be a pretty story, he is already delusional.
You are not safe with him, don't let your guard down.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I agree with the others as in checking your motives. But it does appear that you sort of get it...you will get peace from the day to day chaos and that is gold.
My AH is an alcoholic and a meth abuser. It is really ugly, as I'm sure you already know and relate. I have been physically separated from my AH since last Dec...and we are legally separated right (since March) now. Nothing has changed. He got worse actually. Including his tiny attempts here and there to "do better" (which was what he did when we were together), it's just no different. I walked into the separation honestly just wanting peace from his crazy behaviors. I craved and needed normalcy, and that is what made me do it. In the back of my head was that hope thing, but like I said, nothing has changed. He certainly hasn't embraced rehab or sobriety to "get his family back".
It sounds like you have a good start. You asked it if was possible to set healthy boundaries and still have a relationship with him? I think if you go through with your plans you will find that one out pretty quickly. What you will probably find is yourself getting healthier - regardless of where he is at. Wishing you the best with your decision. Take care.
My AH is an alcoholic and a meth abuser. It is really ugly, as I'm sure you already know and relate. I have been physically separated from my AH since last Dec...and we are legally separated right (since March) now. Nothing has changed. He got worse actually. Including his tiny attempts here and there to "do better" (which was what he did when we were together), it's just no different. I walked into the separation honestly just wanting peace from his crazy behaviors. I craved and needed normalcy, and that is what made me do it. In the back of my head was that hope thing, but like I said, nothing has changed. He certainly hasn't embraced rehab or sobriety to "get his family back".
It sounds like you have a good start. You asked it if was possible to set healthy boundaries and still have a relationship with him? I think if you go through with your plans you will find that one out pretty quickly. What you will probably find is yourself getting healthier - regardless of where he is at. Wishing you the best with your decision. Take care.
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