dj73

Gave my crackhead husband $500 to enroll in an IOP. Guess what? He didn't give them all the money (if any)! He spent some of it on drugs. Go figure... You would think I would learn.

thequest

We are having similar trouble trying to help someone with bankruptcy proceedings to clean up their lifestyle mess. He refuses to proceed with the offer of aide and yet still wants money/aide for other things. He gets upset when you offer to pay the lawyer directly.

If you can afford 500 I'd write a check or get a money order and make it out directly to IOP. I wouldn't give cash.

dollydo

You won't learn until you get yourself to meetings and keep reading and posting here. We
codependents are just as sick as the addict, we lose our common sense, our direction, the longer we stay in a relationship with an addict, the worse we get, eventually we lose ourselves. Just as the addict must reach their bottom, so must we, once we do, the turnaround begins.

I wouldn't give him another dime, for anything. He is an adult, let him figure out to get the money for IOP. Enabling him is not the answer, it is infact a major part of the problem.

You have posted here before, if you have not taken the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum, I would suggest that you do so, also read Codependent No More and get to meetings, don't use being shy as an excuse to not go, you will live through the experience and come out stronger and more capable of taking care of yourself.

dj73

I wouldn't have given him the money if it wasn't for treatment. I know he has been trying to get into a program for awhile. They apparently do not take checks or debit, so that was my only choice. It's so frustrating because we have three kids that I need to continue to provide for, yet I gave money I should have used for them to a crackhead! I realize I made a big mistake, and I have to let it go. I AM LEARNING!

I have been to 2 Al-Anon meetings this week! (There are no nar-anon meetings in my area). He is out of the house now. I also blocked incoming and outgoing calls and texts from my phone. This is huge for me because I am very codependent and find excuses to call him. I have ordered Codependent No More also. I think I'm making progress.

Ann

Yes, you are making progress and don't be discouraged, just keep walking forward and don't look back.

Someone mentioned money orders here and I wanted to add that the payee can be changed on them. My son taught me that.

Although I was guilty far to many times of giving money when I should have known better, today I know for certain that I would never give an addict money for anything. It robs them of the lessons of consequences and responsibility and the sooner they learn, the sooner they may reach out for real help.

Keep going to those meetings and I know you will love Codependent No More, it's amazing how we see ourselves on every page.

Hugs

tjp613

I'm REALLY sorry you lost that money -- that's a lotta dough. About 3 weeks of groceries in my house. Ouch! But please don't kick yourself -- sheesh we've all done it a hundred times. The thing is when they *say* they're going to do something positive, we just wanna jump all over it! We breathe a huge sigh of relief thinking, "Ah hah!! They've finally got it!!" We want it soooooooooo bad and have soooooooooo much faith in their *potential* that we forget all the rules and throw the money at them anyway. I do it too and I"m learning, too....just like you.

I've come to realize that my son has absolutely NO guilt feelings whatsoever about lying straight to my face. He's done it for so long, it's just natural to him! I'm a terrible liar that's one reason I never do it! That's not the case at all with my AS! It's just another day in paradise for him.

outtolunch

I used to says things like " I am an idiot" to myself all the time. The more out of control I got, the more I said stuff like this. Looking back, I realize that when I said stuff like this, I was living down to my own declining expectations of myself. It was the equivelent of a free pass to not learn anything or change my own behaviors.

dj73

I really feel like I did learn from this. I had just found out when I posted so I was still angry. I am not beating myself up about this. I certainly don't have "extra" money laying around. But I was going to find a way to go without it so that he would get treatment. The fact that he didn't, doesn't change that. I will not give him another dime, for anything!
I'm making a lot of progress. I'm letting go. It feels really good!
Thanks for all of the advice and support. It means so much to not be alone in this.

hopeful0323

I did this also time and time again with RAXBF, until I learned. His last stint in rehab, he told me that he never paid any of his court fines with the money I gave him or the money his parents gave him. Blew it all on drugs. Now I dont give him anything at all! I dont care what the excuse is, I dont care if he'll get beat up over it, I don't care if he goes to jail. His choices, he's a grown man.