Angryfriend

So a dear friend of mine is addicted to opiates and is in 4th round of detox (not rehab, mind you...she only did out-patient once, but thinks it's not for her). She also drinks quite a bit daily, binges on other recreational drugs and takes a cocktail of prescriptions related to depression, anxiety, ADHD and bipolar disorder. However, when she goes in for detox it's just for opiates. Her doctor is an addiction specialist and he must know the truth...he's prescribing several of the meds!

This friend of mine will never take anyone's advice (including doctors), will pop any pills in front of her even when her kids are home, and will only consider detox when she's run out of options to get pills OR hubby nears end of his rope. Her hubby does his best - he's trying to work, take care of her and keep the kids in line with help from a nanny.

I know this is an all too common tale, especially when money for drugs is no issue. And I do my best to separate myself from the drama, but it wears on me heavily. So how can I help when I can barely get her to listen? I'm afraid she will lose her kids (2 are young teens, old enough to know she's on something...but she's in denial and thinks they won't figure it out; 2 are toddlers - even scarier, right?). Or even worse, lose her life.

This detox business is a joke, as far as I'm concerned - but what can I say? Technically, I'm not family and don't believe I'm in a position to pull an intervention. Does her doctor have any ability to admit her to further treatment?

I guess I'm more of a sad friend than an angry one...

dollydo

Welcome, sorry to say, there is nothing you can do, except, let go.

There is only one person that can get her on the right path to recovery...it's her.

She is an addict and is doing what addicts do, deny, manipulate, cry, con and deflect. That is their mantra.

It really is up to her husband to do the right thing for the children, be a responsible parent and move them out of this toxic situation before CPS takes the children away from both of them, as, he is not himself doing what should be done for the childrens well-being.

You sound like a caring friend, however, you do not have the power to save her or her family.

Eddiebuckle

Dolly is right - addiction will continue until she can no longer live in denial. It's not a coincidence that her Dr is prescribing her those meds - she would keep searching for another if (s)he didn't, it's what addicts do.

If you are seriously concerned for her and her kids, you might consider dropping a dime on the family situation with child protective services. Given their financial situation, CPS would likely develop a plan to make sure Mama is either sober, or removed from the kids home (unless there is full time nanny coverage). No guarantee that would wake her up, and the kids would definitely be impacted, but doing nothing is all but guaranteeing that she will continue to spiral out of control and likely harm her children, directly or otherwise by damage to her own health and possibly life.

suki44883

No, detox isn't a joke. Detox only removes the drugs from your body. It doesn't teach you anything and it doesn't keep you clean or sober. That's what rehab is for, but it doesn't sound like she's willing to change anything, so rehab won't help her. Nothing will help her until she is ready to stop. You'll drive yourself crazy worrying about what could happen. Maybe she deserves to lose her kids. No child should have to grow up in a home with active addiction.

Angryfriend

I do care, and really just skimmed the surface on the situation. I guess I am looking for any unique approaches to the "you really need more help" discussion. She surrounds herself with people who say "yes" to her whole life, and plays the panic attack card when things don't play out in her favor - but I want to make a last ditch effort.

I do realize detox is serious, and know it's necessary to begin the rehab process. In this situation, it's a joke.

Chino

She won't listen to your words because her brain is hijacked. You are not as powerful as her drugs. You are not able to stimulate and activate her endorphins, and you're not able to fill the extra receptors her brain has grown and are screaming for the next rush.

She'll probably tell you whatever you want to hear just so you'll be quiet and go away. Or she might rip your head off.

If you want to do something unique, tell her and her husband you can't watch her killing herself and shredding their children's lives, then walk away and don't look back. Call CPS if you're truly concerned for the children's welfare.

Actions speak louder than the words she already ignores anyway.

useyourwords

Well said Chino!

I feel so much for you, angryfriend. I know the place of watching someone you care and wanting to help, but not being able to, is such a painful and powerless feeling. The only approach to "you really need more help" that I have is not unique. With my sister I simply had to get to the point of saying, I love you but I'm done -- if/when you are ready to get help, I'll be here. Nothing you say will change her actions, no matter how loud, often, or convincingly you speak. My last ditch effort was walking away, and I know it was better for me and for her than anything else I ever said/did. Doing that does not mean you don't love her or want her to get clean. It doesn't even mean you don't believe she can get clean! It just means you know that it is SHE, and not you, who controls her recovery.

If you are concerned about the safety of her children there is no question that you should call CPS. Reports can be made annonymously. I say this not as something you should do because it will impact her getting help (countless addicts lose their kids and don't get help), but no child should be in an unsafe environment if someone is aware and can report it.