trying not to cave in.... again
 

My AS asked me to get his things out of pawn, and I was thinking about doing it-- to keep the items until he can pay me so he doesn't loose them forever. Anyhow-- his computer is in pawn for the 3rd time, along with his Xbox, TV and other items.

But, I know that he will beg and harass me everyday, if I get them out. He will tell me how much he needs his things, so I have decided to let the stuff go, and give myself a break.

This does sound harsh, but I have been through this before, and it I get the items, he will harass me each day until I cave and give him his stuff.

I hope I am doing the right thing.

Doesn't sound harsh to me at all.

He put the items in pawn himself. He can deal with getting them out, or not.

Sounds like a good, strong stance to me. Congrats!

Not harsh, he put his OWN belongings there and now its HIS responsibility to figure out a way to get them out. You are doing the right thing by not continuing chaos.

My AD, currently in jail, has lost her place to stay, and everything inside of it, including her clothing.

Those are her consequences.

I refuse to get involved in "rescuing her" in any way, shape, or form.

Reminds me of the time I told my AS that I would put a FEW of his things in my basement when he got evicted. He knew a month ahead of time when that would be but called me at 10 PM one night to tell me he was bringing his "stuff." I told him he'd have to wait till the morning. Next thing I know there's a truck in my back yard (a yard not meant for vehicles) and he puts everything he owns on the back lawn and then proceeds to put tarp over it all. Then he's gone for weeks. I threw all that in the garbage, his bed and every piece of furniture he owned. It was all ruined anyway.

I got to the place where I just said "no" to all that kind of stuff because it was just too stressful (and embarrassing) for me.

Hope that helps in some way.

Thank you, I cannot believe how good it feels to say no for a change.

As a mom I was so stuck in that " I will save him" mentality. I think it is a parents nature to be like that.

Today I feel strong!

Thank you :)

and... Sojourner, LOL-- I let my son move a few of his things in, and it got to the point were I can't even move around in this small condo.

I have 8 days left till he must move, and I heard him on the phone this morning trying to score some blues(sad that I know the drug lingo). anyhow---

That was another eyer opener for me to stay strong.


Again thanks for being such wonderful caring and supportive people.

Oh, Sojourner, that reminds me of how my A stepson showed up while Mr. HG was away and put a bunch of his stuff in the garage thinking his dad wouldn't notice. Mr. HG put it all out on the curb on heavy trash day.......

I have to agree that I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. He pawned the items knowing full well the rules. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions, I'm afraid.

I agree! Doesn't sound harsh, sounds strong and healthy! Congrats! :c011:

December, when it came to my kids, I am the biggest sucker out! I paid for things to get them out of trouble all the time. It took me along long time to figure out my children, yes mine, used me like a money tree until one day it hit me - Im not a money tree, I am there mother who deserved more respect.
I say good on you for standing your ground.
JJ

He is an adult, he is no longer your "Little Boy", perhaps if you stick to your guns he may have a chance to become a responsible, productive member of society. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

There should be no guilt on your part, he knew what he was doing when he did it...he just
wanted the money to buy drugs, for every bad action, there is a bad reaction, let him figure
out how to get his "stuff" out of hock, not your problem.

Now you have the move to deal with, if you want to help him reach his bottom you will follow through, the ball is in your court, do what is right for you and him.

To me, you are starting to get it, don't back peddle now.

Good job!

Yep dolly, not my "little boy" anymore.

This is so hard, and we as parents, love our kids unconditionally---I am just hoping Naranon and all you guys are correct.


The only thing that keeps me strong is knowing that maybe if I stop enabling he will stop killing himself with Oxy.

I knew when I decided to have him, at 18 that my life as I new it was done... which is okay., I just feel like I am giving up.

I thought I did everything okay-- no parties, not staying out late--- etc....
He was my world, my son.. it is the worst thing to let that go. When I became a mother, I thought I agreed to withstand anything. The only reason I am holding strong is that I think it may help him in the long run.

Here is a free online book you may want to google:

Letting Go of Our Grown Adult Children, When What We Do is Never Enough, by Arlene Harder.

You did the right thing by saying "no".

Retrieving his pawned possessions just means he can pawn them again...and the dance continues. Don't ask me how I know that. :rolleyes:

Stay strong, it's right for you and it's right for him too. Love him enough to let him find his own way, mistakes and all.

Mama to mama hugs

Oh, I feel for you and so understand.

It took me 6 years to learn No was a complete sentence. Every time I got there stuff out just to save it they just pawned it or traded it for drugs. So if they cared so little for why should I. Besides if it meant anything to them they would get it out them selves.

We as parents tend to put more value on things than we should. It is there value that matters, and it is there choice to let it go or keep it. It is the loss of some of these things that brings them to reality. So they need to feel there own reality, and there own consequences. We need only worry about ourselves, and set a good example for them to see. the rest is up to them.

I think you are doing great. You have come so far in your own recovery. You have to feel it yourself. I am proud of you!

Can you view this as a gift? By this I mean the gift of dignity to deal with his own consequences.

It's just stuff. Not like he needs a kidney and you are the closest match.

Given he's active, chances are he's going to turn around and repawn the stuff to feed his habit.

See the humor in some of this.

I resembled these statements.

If we never let go, they have no/zip/nada shot at learning how to take responsibility for themselves.

dollydo,

When you posted on some other (earlier) thread about the online book, Letting Go of Our Adult Children, I found it and began reading it. I read a few pages every morning and then re-bookmark the link where I leave off. Thank you for bringing this book to everybody's attention.