Farfalla

Hi everyone. I have done alot of soul searching as my emotions are all over. (doesn't help being premenstrual last week either) My addict husband has been out of the house for four weeks this Saturday. He signed a year lease. He is still taking percocets, still smoking weed, still buying suboxen off the streets, etc. This past week he asked to move back home. This Saturday he wants to move back home. I haven't answered. HIS plan is to give notice at his complex and HE states they will bill him for two months worth of rent to get out of the lease. I didn't answer. I received a text last week from him in error. It was meant for someone else. It read "if u get me ya i hooku up wit 15s". Now 15s is his percocets. I doubt he was trading percocets for marijuana because marijuana is cheap enough especially when you clear $6000 a month. I looked up ya on the drug dictionary online yao is coke. My suspicion is he is still abusing cocaine. Yes, no pecking order with drugs, drugs are drugs regardless I know. Cocaine scares the crap out of me honestly though. He came to our home last night to see my daughter who was returning back to school last night. As he was sitting at the kitchen table he was eating a slice of pizza and literally falling asleep with food in his mouth at the kitchen table. I looked in disgust. I do hate the sin not the sinner. I am really understanding this philosophy. It is sad. I do not truthfully want this man in his current state back in my home. I need help in conversing this to him. I don't want to be hurtful or break his heart. I do love him. I just despise his addiction.

outtolunch

Deciding that we are worth more than the lying, stealing, cheating and manipulation that often accompanies addiction and protecting minors are solid foundations for establishing boundaries for ourselves.

" I will not live with or expose my minor children to someone in active addiction" is a healthy boundary. It does not seek to control him or the outcome. He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless of what you do or not. Having a boundary is only as good as your own willingness to enforce it upon yourself for your own wellbeing and sanity and that of your minor child.

I am going to very gently raise the BS flag as it relates to not wanting to break his heart and all that. The drugs have already stolen his heart. There is nothing left to break. Have you considered the very real possibility that what you may fear most is that your boundary will not have the desired outcome whereby he embraces recovery and just snaps out of it?

"No" is a complete sentence. It really is this simple. "No, because..." opens the door to manipulation and negotiation. Addiction demands he protect it at all costs. Promices and blame shifting are common tactics. He is who he is right now and that's not the man you thought he was or need/want him to be.

Farfalla

He does not feel he has an addiction issue to snap out of anything.

hello-kitty

Sure doesn't sound like that's the kind of guy I would want in my home around my kids... It must be really annoying to read those texts. Can you block him? Can you change your phone number? Can you text him back saying if you harass me anymore I'm going to forward your drug dealing texts to the police? Really, what's the point in being in contact with him right now... he high and he's full of B.S.

outtolunch

Being able to nod out at the kitchen table and the prospect of returning home reinforces his denial. Nothing changes when nothing changes.

Regardless of what he thinks, you seem to think addiction is a problem and that's the only thing that matters.

Based on your posts he has been lying, stealing, cheating, deceiving and manipulating. Does that he's doing it to protect his addiction make this sort of behavior more acceptable?

Can you accept him as is, knowing that addiction is progressive? Can you protect your child and dinancial stability from the chaos?

Farfalla

No I cannot accept any of it! I am tired of constantly wondering if he has drugs on him or if he is high. It is too consuming.

incitingsilence

There should be no wonder if he is using, he is and it is that simple because nothing to date has shown you otherwise. He isn’t in treatment, he isn’t attempting to not use, he doesn’t even think he has a problem so why would he stop.

He is an addict, addicts use, it is really what they are suppose to be doing. You have every right to protect yourself and your daughter from the chaos, and you are suppose to.

You are going to have to accept this is addiction, he is an addict and that it will get worse for him. You also have to understand that for you, if you don’t start taking care of yourself and stop the “what he is doing”, then you will become just as sick if not sicker. It is a vicious ugly cycle, no matter the side. You can opt out at any time.

Take good care of you!

Farfalla

Thank you. In my heart I know all that everyone is stating is true. I wrote an angry letter to him. Part of my therapy homework assignment this week. I have to bring it with me to therapy tonight. I was told not to give it to him. I also wrote a list of pros and cons. I do not have anything on the pros side of the paper. I can't think of any. Truthfully can't think of any. Sad.

Farfalla

Our conversations tend to get heated. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to fight with him. I need to be able to converse wether it be in a letter or verbally what I need. I don't want to sound demanding or give ultimatums.

Kindeyes

Addicts use our anger as a weapon. If they can manage to get us upset, the problem shifts to us. It's what they do.

I find that I cannot talk to my AXH. He's been using for so many years and his brain is so fried that he can't stay civil. He is so full of anger and resentment....it is truly sad. And if I don't react with anger, his behavior escalates quickly.....he simply can't control himself. So I don't talk to him......at all.

My AS also tries to get under my skin and get me angry. There is no sense in trying to "reason" with him or engage when he throws out the "bait". I love what someone here on SR said (can't remember who it was or I would give them credit). They work with preschoolers (who can also be pretty difficult to reason with at times). They suggested that we say "I love you too much to argue with you about this." And leave it at that.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Wolfstarr

We never want to fight, we want to discuss and come to a solution or near solution that we can work out with our addict. Somehow we get drawn into heated conversations and the whole, good intended conversation goes askew.

We have to remember that we are thinking rationally and the addict is not. Manipulation, blaming and anger are their companions while their brain is consumed with mind altering substances.

I know you know all this but I suppose I am writing this as a reminder to myself. Set your boundaries and stick by them. Make sure he knows that you love him, but will not accept his drug induced behavior in your home around your children. Give yourself a break, too. You don't have to go around worrying about him and what the future holds. Let go, even if just for a while and live in the moment. Go to dinner with a friend, take a spa break, see a movie or go for a long walk.

Acceptance is the key, though. Would you accept if he had a life threatening illness? He does. Addiction. It took me a LONG time to accept this with the addict in my life.

I wish you the very best and I can so relate to your name...family destroyed.

Freedom1990

This is the same man who came into your house while you were gone for an hour, stole two TVs and your wedding ring, and rifled through your daughter's jewelry.

Personally I see zero benefit in allowing him back in your house to see your daughter before she left, or for any reason as far as that goes.

It communicates to him that his behaviors, including stealing, are acceptable.

hello-kitty

Worse, it communicates that you find that kind of behavior acceptable to your daughter.

Not to mention the nodding off. My ex used to do that around my son. It was a total violation of two of my boundaries - I will not allow people to sleep off their drug or alcohol induced hangovers at my house. I will not knowingly allow someone who is on drugs in my house or around my children. I stopped letting him come over.

hopeful0323

This is exactly why I decided to seperate from RABF 3 months ago. Even if they are not using, IMO, their thinking is still very irrational. Never mind the fact that I constantly wanted to "make" him understand the pain he was putting me, the kids and the rest of the family through. I have given up on that. It useless to preach to someone who just does not want to listen. But in order for me to get myself to be calm and be able to talk without anger, I had to be apart from him. We are not back together currently, but we spend time together with the kids. And there is no arguing because I choose not to.

Farfalla

I know he has a very physical job. This is why it is difficult to know if he is just tired or on something. I am tired of wondering. On the flip side I wonder if long term I am making a mistake. I know the "what if's" but it is hard when your heart is emotionally connected to this person. Logically I know but emotionally I haven't detached. He cries. This makes me sad. I asked why we aren't enough to give the drugs up. He says I take prescription medicine for my back pain and I like smoking weed. Always throws in the marijuana will be legal soon and I always have to challenge with a yes but for medicinal purposes comment.

Freedom1990

I hope some day you are able to hit your own bottom and stop this insanity.

I know it took standing at the precipice of losing my own hard-earned sobriety/clean time before I hit a bottom with my addicted daughter.

Chino

You have choices: hurt and anger him or hurt and anger yourself and your daughter.

Hurt and anger is unavoidable.

I'm about to say something that might cause you hurt, too:

If you can't say no, you have no business dating, marrying, having children.

That is what us loved ones were told by the therapist at my daughter's rehab, and she was very emphatic, stern about it. She is right.

outtolunch

Another best of the best on this forum and it has nothing to do with addiction and all to do with valuing ourselves.

hello-kitty

You contradict yourself. You already know he's on something. You said it yourself.

Normal men who work physical jobs (and there are lots of them) DO NOT not off at the table with food in their mouths in front of their children. When did this become acceptable behavior in your family?

Are you in counseling or doing any type of recovery or 12 step work for your own issues? Throwing a blanket over an elephant in your living room doesn't make it go away.

Farfalla

Yes I am in therapy. I go weekly.