useyourwords

Hi All! Glad to have found a space like this. My sister has been a heroin/pill addict for 10 years (since she was an early teenager). It was the NIGHTMARE that I am sure most of you here are familiar with . . . lying, stealing, changing into a person we didn't recognize, etc. She and my mother have an extremely codependent relationship, which my sister recognizes and accepts, but my mom does not. For 10 years she would occassionally go on methadone or suboxone, make mild improvements, but quickly backslide. Even after a serious boyfriend of hers died of an OD, she still did not seek help.

I am a social worker and many years ago learned that for my own health/mental health that I had to let go and accept that I could not fix my sister, and that I could not fix my mother and her enabling and codependence issues. I had built up a bit of a wall, and though we all had dinner together and visited, I stayed out of her addiction and their relationship. I lived for years prepared that every call could likely be my sister in jail, and got to the point that I was often relieved when it was jail because at least in jail she was "safe" and not dead.

Then, 8 1/2 months ago, without prompting from my mother or I, my sister decided she needed to go to an inpatient rehab. She decided she could never be functional while on methadone or suboxone, needed to detox completely, and needed to go somewhere to do that. She asked me for help and we found her a place to go, out of state, covered by insurance. She went to a 9 day detox, then to an intensive 28 day program. Though she initially planned to come home after, she decided her best move was to stay there and move to a halfway house. Over the next 7 months she transformed into a person I never new -- an amazing, beautiful, insightful person who was committed to recovery in a way I could never imagine. She was going to meetings everyday, got a sponser and started working the program, got and kept a job, was talking to us about the past and all her regrets for who she had been and what she had put us through.

Last week she had two court dates for outstanding charges from prior to going to rehab and she made plans to come home for the first time. We had so many conversations about how hard it would be to be home. The court dates were more than a week apart, so it was going to be a long visit. We even discussed that it might be worth the money for her to fly round trip twice, but she discussed it with her sponser and decided she could handle it.

I am sure you all see where this is going . . . she came home, court went very well, and just a couple days before leaving to go back, she went out and used. She flew back, told her program and her sponser, and went straight to a 5 day detox. She called my mom for 3 minutes just before entering the detox, told her what happened and how upset she was at herself, asked my mom to call me to tell me, and that she would call us when out of detox.

I guess I am here on this board looking for support for the first time in a decade of being the sibling of an addict, because for the first time I can't seem to let go. Despite the fact that for the months my sister has been clean I have considered every day that at any moment she could relapse and tried to protect myself emotionally by trying to stay prepared, the reality is that I am now completely terrified and have no idea what to do to support her.

I am still SO proud of her. It took her 10 years to get help the first time, and 2 days this time. I guess this is what you could truly call a "lapse". I am just so unbelievably scared that all the confidence, strength, and pride she has gained in the last 8 1/2 months will all be ruined by this one incident. I am so scared she will somehow feel like this one use discounts everything she has done and that she will just give up and go back to using.

Even typing this I realize it seems crazy to anticipate this when she is IN detox, by her own choice and willingness to take responsibility for what she did. But the reality is that I have let her into my life again and finally gotten to know the amazing person she is without drugs, and I am now terrible of losing that. I had written her off for so long, that now I don't know how to cope that I have reinvested myself so much in her recovery.

It is not helping that I can't talk to her, because she is in detox. I sent her a package today with a card letting her know I am proud of her for admitting her mistake and getting help right away, and telling her I know how far she has come . . .recovery is a journey, and we all know this is just a small set back that we know she has the tools to handle and grow from. I sent a wallet card on strength and a bookmark (maybe for her big book?) on being a strong woman -- that it doesn't mean not making mistakes, but growing from them.

And now I don't know what else to do with myself. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done while she was here to prevent her from using. It happened when she was with my mom, who I know can be a trigger for my sister, and an enabler, so I also find myself blaming her, which I know I shouldn't do. No good blaming . . .

I don't know what I am looking for here, other than maybe just to get all this out somewhere . . .to people who may understand something of what I am going through. I have tried to tell a couple friends, but it is hard because I don't have any friends who have relatives with addiction. They tell me the same rational things I tell myself -- that it is great that she got help right away. But I don't think they understand that hopeless feeling, where you just always assume the worst because it is easier and safer after all the disappointment.

I should stop writing. If you made it to the end of this, thank you for reading . . . thank you for being part of this space here. Just seeing some of your other posts and knowing this place exists has made me feel just a little less alone.

hope213

honey, i am so sorry for you & your family. your sister needs to know u love her but you do not need her drama. it is not a life to live with. my daughter was always there for her brother(our addict). it took her yrs. to realize she was an enabler & i was too. let your sister go or get dragged. she knows what she needs to do & how to stay clean & sober. i hope she stays in rehab. where i live they will not take you if u have a court case going on. welcome to s.r. i hope u learn as much here as i did. keep coming back, we care!!

Kindeyes

It sounds to me like she is handling her recovery very well. She's doing what she needs to do for herself. And she knows you love her. Worrying won't change the outcome.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

useyourwords

Thank you all for the kind and helpful words!! Reading through this board last night really helped me, as well as just getting all this out. I had the first good night sleep I have had in several nights.

I have just found a naranon meeting in my area and am going to start going. Long in the past I did this and read a lot of literature, but I had gotten away from it simply because it had been so long and my sister was so far gone from me/so little a part of my life that I hadn't felt like I needed it any more. I need to remember that I will probably always need it!

I hope she does not feel that my being proud and sending her inspirational stuff is a bit over-the-top and somewhat condescending That actually makes me really really sad to think. I really am proud of her . . . after the decade of a lying, stealing stranger who refused help it is hard for me not to be proud of her, and it feels wrong to me not to tell her. I worry that her feeling like doing this was failing my mother and I could easily throw her off course. I absolutely KNOW she has to be doing this for herself, not for my mom and I, but I do want her to know that this doesn't change that. She is one of those people who likes to keep inspirational words around her at all times, so I am hoping she will appreciate what I sent her, not feel like I am trying to be her life-coach. Thanks for that feedback though . . . I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way!

Thanks again for all the supportive words.

Kindeyes

That is just one person's opinion. Just because they see it that way doesn't make it fact. They are entitled to that opinion. You are entitled to agree or disagree.

I used to hate the thought that I needed to be in those rooms. I asked a lot of "why" questions.....why me, why my son? But now I realize that those meetings aren't to answer the questions but to help me discover myself. Understand me. Look at ME. And work on making me a better person. That is a lifelong pursuit and I'm ok with that. The meetings have helped me function and react better in all aspects of my life and with all of my relationships. I am no longer concerned that I need to be in Nar-anon and Al-anon for the rest of my life. I embrace it. And part of my recovery is to share with others.

Prayers for you, your mother and your sister today. I sincerely hope that this was just her sticking her toes back in to refresh her memory of why she's no longer living that lifestyle.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

This is some of the best of the best on this forum.

useyourwords

Haha, ok, i am now having a mild fteak-out about what I mailed my sister based on what you said, cynical one. I sent it to her halfway house, where she won't be for another few days since she us in detox. I know I could call and ask them not to give it to her if others agree that sending a supportive message is not approproate. They are great and would absolutely understand and get rid of it. I realize I am not thinking entirely clearly about how to manage this, so I would appriciate any other thoughts on whether expressing being pround of her and sending her supportive words is either enabling or condescending. My sister and I lost out dad 12 years ago and have always exchanged inspirational-type words to support eachother in grief, so I guess it is just my default. I do not trust my own judgement very much at all right now, so any thoughts are appreciated!

useyourwords

Thanks kindeyes! Posted my last post before seeing yours and it made me feel a little better clearly I need to take a few deep breaths and stop over-thinking. Hopefully I am not QUITE as crazy/neurotic as I am feeling today. Thanks again everyone!

Kindeyes

Please note that my post was not in agreement or disagreement with CO's post. I was simply stating that everyone here is at a different level of their own recovery and much of what is offered here is based upon each of our personal experiences. We are all entitled to our opinions.....including you!

Part of my recovery is realizing that not everything that anyone says becomes fact when I read it or hear it. I don't necessarily allow it to make me "feel" anything. I try to examine it and see if there was any truth FOR ME in it and that's about it. I try to examine MY motives for saying something or doing something. And I try to examine why I allow something someone else says to have an impact on me. Sometimes if it hits a nerve, it's because there may be some hidden truth in it. But that's for me to untangle and interpret.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

There was a conversation about pride in this forum not too long ago. Cutting to the chase, it was about ownership. It rang true for me and for my daughter as well, and that was long before I read the topic. I'm not proud of my adult children for anything they accomplish, rather I am happy for them. They get to be proud of themselves just as I do for my accomplishments. And the same goes for shame.

I don't do well when I'm proud/ashamed of someone because it means I see them as a reflection and extension of myself. It feeds into my learned codie behaviors and, next thing you know, I'm back to taking others inventory and obsessing.

I know it sounds like splitting hairs and to many it is. That's OK. What matters the most is the motive and mindset behind it. If your sister is working her program she'll take what she needs and leave the rest

chicory

Hi useyourwords,
you know your sister, and nothing you do will change what she is going to do anyway. She also knows you, and I am sure since she is aparently dedicated to getting well, she is going to appreciate your support. some people just take the hard line approach , which does not mean anything. be who you are, work on you, and feel free to love your sister. don't worry about what others think.

hugs
and best wishes to you and your sister,
chicory

useyourwords

I cant thank you all enough. I guess it just feels like such a roller coaster to be here. I was one of those hard-line approach people for a LONG time. When my sister was using she never onced asked me for anything, tried to call me, etc because she knew I loved her but I was done with her addiction. I would stop my mom from bailing her out of jail, from giving her money, etc. It had become second nature to me then, because her active using made it easy. I guess I just was not at all prepared for what would happen if she ever got
clean, because I was too busy accepting she was an addict and working on myself. It seems crazy to say, but I think I was far more prepared emotionally for my sister to die than I was for her to get clean. Crazy, right???

Chino, interesting what you said about pride. I will try to see if i can find that thread. Maybe being happy for her is the best way to think of it. It is a reminder that my actions are not what make or break anything she does. Certainly not what i send or dont send her in the mail. Lol.

Kindeyes, I did not tjink you were agreeing or disagreeing. I just needed a reminder to have some faith in my insticts. I do know my sister. She does know me and my intentioms. I think I was just thrown off bc sending her that card was the only thing that I was feeling good about yesterday, so having to question it was hard. But questions my motives and swlf is never a bad thing, so thanks again for your perspective cynical one and outtolunch! It has certainly helped me reflect on where i need to start in sorting myself out.

hello-kitty

Relaspe happens for both co-dependents and addicts. We need to stay out of other people's recoveries and focus on our own.

Have you tried al-anon? I think it might give you a great perspective and help you stay in control of your own emotions no matter what your sister does. I know it's hard to have an addict in the family. You need support too.

useyourwords

no, have tried nar-anon, and planning to go back (meeting tomorrow night actually). do you think there is an advantage to al-anon over nar-anon?

hello-kitty

Nope. The steps are the same. Al-anon is often more widely available than nar-anon. Good for you for going and going back again. If you work the steps, it will help.