What was HE thinking all this time?
 

Hello avid readers,

I am up late, once again. Can't shut my brain off for the night it seems. So it has been one week since the RO was served to my XABF, and my week well....was quiet for once. Currently, I am still in our shared home while he is god knows where, which is just fine with me.
I went to the lawyer last Wed and though I didn't file for separation just yet, my lawyer did send out an email "offer" that he has one week to respond to. I am secretly hoping he takes the offer, leaving me the house and him getting sole ownership of our business and truck but he has been very vocal over the years that if we ever split, he'll never pay a dime. I am also hoping that he will accept it so I don't have to go thru eons of paperwork. I'm just don't feel mentally "with it" to do so. Its mildly ironic but yet not...that being with him was exhausting and tiring and I felt like I had to do EVERYTHING and trying to get out of this relationship, the workload and feelings are the same.
That being said, I can honestly say, I haven't been sad or angry this past week about the ending of our non-existent relationship and I wonder if that is only because things for me haven't currently changed a whole lot. I mean I was already living alone, running the show here for months, paying bills, mowing the lawn, etc. while he was actively using and trying to function at his job. Part of me worries, that if this legal stuff all goes sour and I don't end up with the house, and things will really start changing for me, THEN I'll have my meltdown.
I'm not going to lie, the peace and quiet has been fabulous. No crazy, lashing out texts, no rageful phone calls, no repetitive conversations that go round and round for hours about the same topic: drugs, that get us nowhere. No showing up at my door holding me emotionally hostage for money. I did find it hard to get out of bed the last couple weeks and function though. Which was so out of character for me. I am chalking it up to hitting my rock bottom with this nightmare.
I have been reflecting back on the years with JJ and trying to figure out if "falling in love" was ever real. Did he ever feel the way about me as I did him? Or was I more of an opportunity for him, to create "normal" as he never had before in his life? I feel its the latter, alot of the time. More specifically, I feel that me, our house, the business we started....all of it.....was to convince himself that his addiction wasn't a problem, that he was just like everyone else. Like... as long as he had all those things, me included, life was peachy keen in his eyes. He had the Canadian Dream, so to speak.
Or did he scope me out from afar and know that he could manipulate, lie, cheat and take, take, take from me with no real consequence? Did I come across as a doormat right from day one? What did he want from me, did he want with me? I feel so....used. Ugh.

It is natural to grieve the loss of your dreams, the loss of yourself somewhere in the effort to save that which cannot be saved. It hurts but it is healthy to feel this pain and walk through it.

Most times when a relationship is over, the room was already empty. All you are doing is closing the door.

Hugs to you today, hope you sleep better tonight.

Hugs

Not sure if you have the "Co-dependent No MOre" book, but the chapter on "Acceptance" is amazing. I read it today for the first time and feel like I could read it over and over again. I am sure it will get better.

Is it possible there were more than enough hopeful fantasies to sustain both of you?