slight victory

Old 10-15-2011, 07:38 PM
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slight victory

Well, about one and a half weeks left out of the 30 days my AS has until moving out day.
Tonight my AS (24) managed, within 15 minutes of me being in my home office, to ransack my room and steal my credit card. As soon as I herd him rush out the door without saying anything I checked my hiding places for my cards, and one was gone (I need better hiding places). I never leave the house with him here without taking all my cards with me as well.
I called him, and informed him that it must be back within 10 min or the police would be called (in the past I never would have called the police, I would have cancelled the card). He actually came home with my card and no charges on it, begging me not to call the police.
Maybe it does not sound like a victory to some people, but it was for me, because I was willing to get the police involved, and he knew I meant it. In the past I was too worried about him going to jail.
I am bracing myself for the storm when he must move, but I know I have to stay strong. Everyday is the same when he is here. He comes home late night in a good mood after getting his drugs, and wakes up a terror trying to get money for drugs.
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:42 PM
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... I am glad I checked my room right away too-- gut feeling I guess. Only had about 29.00 left on the card as well, but I think I did the right thing by being willing to call teh police. Stealing from your own mother or anyone for that matter is really wrong.
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:43 PM
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Good for you! You done good! I don't suppose he's used any of this time to find alternate housing, eh? Oh well, reality will slap him across the face when the day to move comes. Stand strong. You're doing great.
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:46 PM
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Dec2011- stay strong! I hope you have your plan in place. I hear that helps. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I agree, this was a victory for you. When the fog begins to clear, we see just how wrong some things are, that we might have just tolerated before.

my prayers are with you.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:46 PM
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Coming to the conclusion that the crime ( not us ) creates legal consequence is a huge step for us codependents.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:59 PM
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This mama knows how hard all this is for you and you and your boy are in my prayers.

That said, I need to make two points is that as long as he lives under your roof, you are in danger of being stolen from. The possibility has already shown itself and one day you won't catch him in time or the urge will be greater than any threat. This happened to me, I pray it doesn't happen to you.

The second is that when his "departure date" arrives, don't be surprised if he is still there because "he had nowhere else to go" and will tell you all about living under a bridge or dying on the street. Prepare for this, it may not happen but it is often how it works. When this happened to me, I handed my son bus fare (city bus not out of town) and phone numbers of a shelter, a detox and a meeting list. The choice was up to him...go somewhere for help, or go somewhere for drugs. Whatever he chose at that point had nothing to do with me putting him out.

Good luck with this, I hate sounding negative but preparing for very real possibilities may help you keep your sanity.

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Old 10-16-2011, 02:59 PM
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Slight - No huge victory !

Good for you. Might I suggest you get a home safe with a combination lock. Then you lock up all valuables. Even after he is gone, he knows the house and could get back in.

One day at a time. One step forward !
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Old 10-18-2011, 03:10 PM
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You do not sound negative, you make a lot of sense. I have been through this before- I had him move out and he came to my door a mess- he was beat up, dirty, and crying and begging me to let him stay here for just a week to get clean and get away from his drug addicted friends. That week turned into months and months. I know that when he is out of the house the storm will start-- the calls, the begging, the threats. He becomes violent when he doesn't get his way. He has not hit me, but he screams and punches holes in the walls, threatens me, and throws things around the house. I now let him know that the police will be called if he threatens me, or breaks my belongings.

I did make a list of shelters, and treatment centers that would take him with no money. That was great advice. TY

I am just struggling now with feeling sorry for him, and worrying about were he will stay, and that he will be okay.

I wish our relationship as mother and son was normal and we could just do normal things, but that is not happening now.

Thanks, Ann for your great advice. You really know what you are talking about
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Old 10-18-2011, 03:11 PM
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Good advice TMZ-- it is sad when you have to lock up and hide your valuables form your own son, but it is what it is

Thank you
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Old 10-29-2011, 06:14 PM
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The safe is necessary for two reasons. One: You protect yourself and your belongings (but please get a safe with a combination lock not just a key, our key was stolen and stuff taken even with that step!)
Two: It removes the doubt from any suspicions you have. Many times, I second guessed if I really had the money in my wallet or spent it, having the safe is something that also helps us not blame unecessarily.

Good luck!
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Old 10-29-2011, 10:58 PM
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We called the cops on my son when I found cocaine scales and a shotgun in his car. They gave him a mini intervention, didn't arrest him, but didn't scare him too much either. Although, since he's been gone, he doesn't come around here and neither do his drug buddies. When you lay down the line, they start leaving you alone. Better for you...and as far as they are concerned...they're asking for it.
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Old 10-30-2011, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by December2011 View Post

I wish our relationship as mother and son was normal and we could just do normal things, but that is not happening now.
Back when, I wished the same thing, too. Then I realized that addiction demands it be fed and creates a new normal for the addict and those who care about the addict. The addict is under the influence of substance. What the hell-o was my reason for allowing myself to be sucked into the chaos?

Oh yeah, that fantasy that I could somehow control my daughter's addiction and she would just snap out of it- problem solved.

That fantasy became my delusion of choice.
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:55 AM
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December2011: Others give very thoughtful input and support.

I believe you must think of yourself first. Your safety and well being are very much worth the difficult choice to put him out on his own and on the way to facing his demons.

I do understand how hard it is and, personally, it was very difficult for me to stick to my guns/follow through when our son was banned from our house and then later when we decided to let the police take him to jail for breaking into our house when he was not allowed here. In hindsight, it did make a difference and established better boundaries. Things are far from perfect now, but at least we are no longer prisoners in our own home and have started to lead more of a normal (if there is such a thing, lol) life.

I hope you will find outside support that is helpful to you and that you keep coming back to this site. We do care and understand.

Last edited by Anaya; 10-30-2011 at 10:01 AM. Reason: repeating myself, etc.
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