Children becoming addicts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Children becoming addicts
I have a 3 year old son and my AH has been using for 10+ years. He has been clean this time around for about a month and a half. I am concerned about my son and wish to get some feedback about this subject.
I have been reading several things about children of addicts and some of the challenges they may face. There seems to be some controversy out there about wether or not addiction is hereditary. So I would like some opinions and feedback from all of you.
It seems these are the 2 views that I keep coming across:
- The influence of parental attitudes on a child's drug taking behaviors may be as important as actual drug abuse by the parents. An adolescent who perceives that a parent is permissive about the use of drugs is more likely to use drugs.
-There has been no evidence of one particular gene that makes someone an addict, however there are several different genes in addicts that seems to be present which they think makes the person have an addictive personality.
Do you agree with either or both of these?
Do you think addiction is hereditary?
Do you think if a child is raised in a home where the addict is in recovery do they then have the same odds as a child that has 2 non addict parents?
What is your experience?
I have been reading several things about children of addicts and some of the challenges they may face. There seems to be some controversy out there about wether or not addiction is hereditary. So I would like some opinions and feedback from all of you.
It seems these are the 2 views that I keep coming across:
- The influence of parental attitudes on a child's drug taking behaviors may be as important as actual drug abuse by the parents. An adolescent who perceives that a parent is permissive about the use of drugs is more likely to use drugs.
-There has been no evidence of one particular gene that makes someone an addict, however there are several different genes in addicts that seems to be present which they think makes the person have an addictive personality.
Do you agree with either or both of these?
Do you think addiction is hereditary?
Do you think if a child is raised in a home where the addict is in recovery do they then have the same odds as a child that has 2 non addict parents?
What is your experience?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
I completely got addicted BECAUSE of my parents. My dad is the whole reason i know about this lifestyle and even this website... Normal people dont go on recovery websites because they are so embarassed about how little self control they have over an addiction that even thinking about make their mouth water. I would lie to your kid about addiction, drug use, and anything you dont want them to know about. DO NOT BE OPEN WITH THEM!! I know this because i cant remember anything after the age of 14. Even now. And everything leading up to that all my parents talked about was, drugs, drinking, all their stories. and i was curious. The worse part is 2morro morning i wont even remember i wrote this....... Trust me. Dont tell your kid anything. Oh and all of my siblings are addicted to something... whether its drinking, pain pills, hardcore drugs, cigs. its something
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
I grew up in a house where my dad drank every day. My mom got into Al-anon when I was young. At the age of 12 my parents divorced. By that time I was already using drugs. I don't blame my parents for my addiction. I do think it is a family disease. I look at my 4 siblings and all of us have addiction issues. I am the only one in recovery right now. I have one brother that was clean and sober for 7 years, but went back out.
I have a 13 yr old daughter that has been in a meeting when I gave a lead. I talked it over with my sponser and we agreed that she could hear my story. My daughter was shocked. She had no idea where drugs and alcohol could take you. I took her out to eat after and told her if you have any questions ask me. She had a lot. She didn't understand why I did what I did. I explained the disease. I told her if you never pick it up you don't have worry about it.
My daughter brought up a wonderful point to me. You hear in school how bad drugs can be, but you think they are just telling you that. When she heard my story on how I had guns to my head, how I stole, how I cheated, how I lied, and how I made it so no one wanted to me around me it meant something to her. She was almost 4 when I got clean so she doesn't remember the using me, she only knows the clean me.
I have an 8 yr old, a 4 yr old, and a 2 yr old. If it comes up I hope each of them will hear me give a lead. I think the kids has a right to know exactly where the drugs and alcohol can take you.
I have a 13 yr old daughter that has been in a meeting when I gave a lead. I talked it over with my sponser and we agreed that she could hear my story. My daughter was shocked. She had no idea where drugs and alcohol could take you. I took her out to eat after and told her if you have any questions ask me. She had a lot. She didn't understand why I did what I did. I explained the disease. I told her if you never pick it up you don't have worry about it.
My daughter brought up a wonderful point to me. You hear in school how bad drugs can be, but you think they are just telling you that. When she heard my story on how I had guns to my head, how I stole, how I cheated, how I lied, and how I made it so no one wanted to me around me it meant something to her. She was almost 4 when I got clean so she doesn't remember the using me, she only knows the clean me.
I have an 8 yr old, a 4 yr old, and a 2 yr old. If it comes up I hope each of them will hear me give a lead. I think the kids has a right to know exactly where the drugs and alcohol can take you.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I have 2 alcoholic parents. My father has been sober for 39 years (since before I was born) and my mother sober for 8 years now.
When I was very young, my mother's drinking was not a problem at least that I saw. I remember noticing it when I was in junior high school.
I grew up knowing that dad was an alcoholic which meant that he could not drink alcohol ever. I wasn't told any horror stories or specifics about his drinking .... until I was older. I remember 1) that he had been read his last-rights on more than one occasion 2) my uncle used to pick him up at bars in the middle of the night 3) my parents met at the city Mental hospital (he was in for his alcoholism and she was employed there.) I was also told that alcoholism could be genetic and that I should be careful.
Despite the information I had I started drinking at the age of 13. I was curious like most of my friends. I remember the first time I got drunk and I immediately fell in love.
Did I turn out to be an alcoholic BECAUSE of my parents? Absolutely not. I have to take full responsibility for myself.
I have a younger sister who drinks normally and an older brother that is what I would say is a problem-drinker.
Out of the three of us, why me? I don't know, in all honesty it doesn't matter. It's just a fact of life for me.
To answer your questions I do believe that alcoholism CAN be hereditary. I also believe that parents behaviors (addict or not) can and do have an effect on how children behave/react in the future. I do believe being open and honest with children is a good policy.
Hope some of that makes sense.
When I was very young, my mother's drinking was not a problem at least that I saw. I remember noticing it when I was in junior high school.
I grew up knowing that dad was an alcoholic which meant that he could not drink alcohol ever. I wasn't told any horror stories or specifics about his drinking .... until I was older. I remember 1) that he had been read his last-rights on more than one occasion 2) my uncle used to pick him up at bars in the middle of the night 3) my parents met at the city Mental hospital (he was in for his alcoholism and she was employed there.) I was also told that alcoholism could be genetic and that I should be careful.
Despite the information I had I started drinking at the age of 13. I was curious like most of my friends. I remember the first time I got drunk and I immediately fell in love.
Did I turn out to be an alcoholic BECAUSE of my parents? Absolutely not. I have to take full responsibility for myself.
I have a younger sister who drinks normally and an older brother that is what I would say is a problem-drinker.
Out of the three of us, why me? I don't know, in all honesty it doesn't matter. It's just a fact of life for me.
To answer your questions I do believe that alcoholism CAN be hereditary. I also believe that parents behaviors (addict or not) can and do have an effect on how children behave/react in the future. I do believe being open and honest with children is a good policy.
Hope some of that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
I'd say the exact opposite of the first reply on here. I hope you take none of that advice to heart. Age appropriate honesty and his own eyes will give him the best shot he has. ultimately when he grows up its in his hands.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
BTW, my dad (in recovery for 39 years) has often told me his views on this.
The child of an alcoholic/addict generally does one of two things:
1) He does everything in his power not to be like his parent(s), thus never touching drugs or alcohol.
2) He ends up an alcoholic/addict.
That's just his opinion on it and I tend to agree.
Can you change what happens? Probably not in reality, but I really think the more you teach and explain about drugs and alcohol the better.
The child of an alcoholic/addict generally does one of two things:
1) He does everything in his power not to be like his parent(s), thus never touching drugs or alcohol.
2) He ends up an alcoholic/addict.
That's just his opinion on it and I tend to agree.
Can you change what happens? Probably not in reality, but I really think the more you teach and explain about drugs and alcohol the better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
There is so much that goes into the decisions to experiement with drugs and alcohol, I don't think it possible to point to any single contributing factor.
Immaturity, impusiveness, low self esteen, entitlements and learned behavior patterns/coping mechanisms are all potential factors.
There is no history of alcoholism or addition in either my or my husband's family beyond smoking which is indeed a drug. And yet my daughter got herself addicted to heroin IV. In her case, I think immature cognition, impulsiveness and low self esteem were the major contributing factors.
Immaturity, impusiveness, low self esteen, entitlements and learned behavior patterns/coping mechanisms are all potential factors.
There is no history of alcoholism or addition in either my or my husband's family beyond smoking which is indeed a drug. And yet my daughter got herself addicted to heroin IV. In her case, I think immature cognition, impulsiveness and low self esteem were the major contributing factors.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by PaperDolls 
The child of an alcoholic/addict generally does one of two things:
1) He does everything in his power not to be like his parent(s), thus never touching drugs or alcohol.
2) He ends up an alcoholic/addict.
1) He does everything in his power not to be like his parent(s), thus never touching drugs or alcohol.
2) He ends up an alcoholic/addict.
Please IGNORE the first post in answer to your question. DO NOT lie to your kid about addiction. Be honest and open about it. I was lied to all the time when I was younger about my dad's addiction, and now I'm just a very distrustful person always wary of everyone, often in a state of uneasiness around certain people. The more you lie, the more your kid is going to hide and withdraw. The more they will feel like they don't matter and the more they will feel like you are not a safe person to talk to. They will contain everything and not talk to anyone about how they're feeling. Do not lie to your kid, please don't. That is the absolute worst thing you could do in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
my mom's parents were both alcoholics and my mom was taken away from them and lived in foster care and orphanige. This was in Croatia. I never met my grandparents/her mom and dad.
My mom never had a drink in her life. My dad drank socially and was not an alcoholic and after he got stomach ulcer, quit drinking all together.
There was no such thing as drug addiction in Croatia way back then.
My father's parents did not drink eather unless at a wedding or some special occassion.
But then again, that was a different world, nothing that I can compare to in USA.
Kids are raised different, we all spoke the same language, we all love the same kind of foods, we all had opportunity to get same kind of education, no matter how poor or wealthy.
So, I don't know.
From my observation, many young drug addicted get that way sometimes just out of mere boredom.
No aspiration, no goals in life, no vision, and a lot of times from small towns, suburbs, or poverty stricken neighborhoods.
My mom never had a drink in her life. My dad drank socially and was not an alcoholic and after he got stomach ulcer, quit drinking all together.
There was no such thing as drug addiction in Croatia way back then.
My father's parents did not drink eather unless at a wedding or some special occassion.
But then again, that was a different world, nothing that I can compare to in USA.
Kids are raised different, we all spoke the same language, we all love the same kind of foods, we all had opportunity to get same kind of education, no matter how poor or wealthy.
So, I don't know.
From my observation, many young drug addicted get that way sometimes just out of mere boredom.
No aspiration, no goals in life, no vision, and a lot of times from small towns, suburbs, or poverty stricken neighborhoods.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I don't know the answer to that. My mom is an addict, and neither of her parents are. My RABF is an addict and neither of his parents were. Both of my parents are addicts, and I'm not. However, I am codependent and have had relationships with addicts. Most of the people on my dad's side of the family are alcoholics/addicts. Do you see what I mean?
I think the best thing you can do for your son is what you would do for any kid. They need love and structure. Have fun with him. Be honest with him about the addiction--age appropriate. Support him in positive activities--whether that is school, sports, music, or other hobbies. Have him do things like chores and homework, and have him follow rules in the house.
As a child of addicts/alcoholics, I think one of the hardest thing was the denial and lack of honesty in the household. My mom would do all kinds of crazy things on drugs--she sold them (was arrested), went in between hyper and sleepy, had wild parties, would disappear for periods of time, etc. However, everybody in the family would act like nothing had happened. That made me grow up thinking maybe there was something wrong with me. You might want to check out the information on adult children of alcoholics. They'll give you an idea of what it is like for a child to grow up in a home with an alcoholic/addict.
I think the best thing you can do for your son is what you would do for any kid. They need love and structure. Have fun with him. Be honest with him about the addiction--age appropriate. Support him in positive activities--whether that is school, sports, music, or other hobbies. Have him do things like chores and homework, and have him follow rules in the house.
As a child of addicts/alcoholics, I think one of the hardest thing was the denial and lack of honesty in the household. My mom would do all kinds of crazy things on drugs--she sold them (was arrested), went in between hyper and sleepy, had wild parties, would disappear for periods of time, etc. However, everybody in the family would act like nothing had happened. That made me grow up thinking maybe there was something wrong with me. You might want to check out the information on adult children of alcoholics. They'll give you an idea of what it is like for a child to grow up in a home with an alcoholic/addict.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was raised in a toxic, alcoholic home. To me, no child should be raised in the home of an alcoholic/addict. Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. They hear and see everything, they internalize, they do not express their feeling, they kive in fear.
I am not an alcoholic, however, I am predisposed to being one, I inherited the gene. I also according to the stats had a 50% chance to marry an alcohlic/drug addict...I did, not once but twice. I was also was predisposed to be impulsive, suffer from anxiety and
codependency. I missed anxiety, but I am a card caring codependent.
Read all the forums in the Family & Friends area, including the stickies, there is a wealth
of information at your fingertips.
I am 64 years old and still bear the scars of my irresponsible/addicted parents.
My best...Dolly
I am not an alcoholic, however, I am predisposed to being one, I inherited the gene. I also according to the stats had a 50% chance to marry an alcohlic/drug addict...I did, not once but twice. I was also was predisposed to be impulsive, suffer from anxiety and
codependency. I missed anxiety, but I am a card caring codependent.
Read all the forums in the Family & Friends area, including the stickies, there is a wealth
of information at your fingertips.
I am 64 years old and still bear the scars of my irresponsible/addicted parents.
My best...Dolly
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I don't know the answer either Karrie.
I can give you what I do believe:
I would concentrate on today, and on making the child's upbringing the healthiest possible. At some point all of us parents have to let go and hope that what was instilled sticks.
I can give you what I do believe:
- Ignore the first response ( I have to say this one's a know not a believe)
- Children who grow up with both an addict and an enabler seem to take on the traits of one or the other
- Even kids from clean and sober households run a risk
I would concentrate on today, and on making the child's upbringing the healthiest possible. At some point all of us parents have to let go and hope that what was instilled sticks.
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