mkd14artist

Hello. I am reaching out for help. My boyfriend of 6 months had been clean for 9 months before he realapsed last Monday. He was gone for the night, phone off. I was awakened by a text the next morning, stating he had realapsed and was hating himself and what he had done to our new, beautiful and strong relationship. He came home that afternoon with tears in his eyes and what seemed like a legit apology and a incrediable ambition to stay clean. Since then, its been really hard to trust anything he had said or done. He realapsed again last night, this time as soon as he was coming down, he phoned the detox center and checked himself in.

I love this guy with every bone in my body. We had an instant conection.
The problem that lies here, is I know how amazing of a person he really is when he is clean. I have so much hope and prayer for him to be the best he can be again.

Im unsure of how to proceed once he is out of detox and we check him into sober living.

I want to continue to be the only positive person in his life. I want to do everything to support his recovery and to give him the love and praise he deserves, but the man that left my house today to go to detox, was not the boyfriend I fell inlove with.

I need to know how to proceed in the relationship. Caution? Strength? Apathetic? Loving? Stern?

Any advice will be greatly apprecitated.

suki44883

Extreme caution. It's up to you to decide what you will and will not live with. What is his drug of choice? Some are harder to get off of than others, but in any case, if he truly wants recovery, he'll do it on his own.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

mkd14artist

His drug of choice is crack.

Thank you for the welcoming.

CherokeeFree

hello, I totally know what you are going through. I married a man who was "in recovery" but still struggling with his crack addiction. I have 20 yrs clean, and believe it or not, I never ever dated anyone who was in recovery, let alone recent recovery. needless to say, he's done the relapse, recovery, rehab thing for two years now, and though I love him with every fiber of my being, i am feeling lost, angry and afraid. it's so hard to know the right thing to do. Do you stay, leave, do the tough love thing, man, I just dont know. so far i have been following my heart...but we all know that sometimes the heart simply does not think clearly. i sometimes wish that someone could give me a concrete answer on what to do, but truth is, i dont even think I 'd follow through. i guess my advice to you is to try hard to take care of you first, otherwise you'll find yourself slipping away. Please know that i am sending strong wishes of support and caring your way. you can get through this, either way it ends up turning out. peace and blessings, dear sister...Cherokee

dollydo

Welcome, crack is a very difficult drug to beat. The % of people who actually recover
from crack addiction and stay clean is less than 10%. He will be an addict all his life, the
only difference is whether he is using or not.

Her has to want recovery more than anything else in life, that includes you. You cannot fix him, you do not have the power to do so. This is his problem to resolve.

This is a very new relationship, I would proceed with EXTREME caution

outtolunch

If I had a $ for everytime I read this on the SR forums, from posters in similar situations, well, I would have a lot of mad money.

Welcome and brace yourself.

This 'instant connection" thing seems to be a pattern between addicts and women who trend codependent. Apologizing seems to be the dance between addicts and codependents.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

I would likely get myself checked out for all STDs because sex and crack go together like peas in a pod. I would do so, regardless of what he says because I have to protect myself.

I also would not attempt to make his recovery a " we" thing because it would feed my codependency and sustain the fantasy that my love and support could cause him to snap out of it. I am not that powerful. None of us are.

The man you love is a crack addict. He will always be a crack addict. He will always be one lousy decision away from a relapse. He knows it. And now you do, too. Resist the urge to sustain the hopeful fantasy of the man you want or need him to be. Give him the dignity to figure this out on his own.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....

I'm not going to give you advice. I just want to welcome you to the forum and let you know that you are not alone. We all understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted.

We are very big on self care around here and many of the suggestions you will read revolve around taking care of ourselves first.

I hope you stick around. Post. Read. Learn. Share. It's always comforting to know that others understand.

gentle hugs
ke

hello-kitty

If he plans on staying clean for the rest of his life, he's going to need a support group that consists of far more than you.

Co-dependent No-More would be a great book for you to read. It can help you "support" him without enabling him. It will also help you set strong personal boundaries and strengthen your identity, so that no matter what his choices, you will thrive in your life choices.

mkd14artist

I didnt mean it that way. Not at all, I do believe he should be surrounded with positive people. I just mean in the moment. I was his only the posivitive force that was really close to him.

My friends and family really love my borfriend as well, and they want to support him and be positive for him too.
He is an amazing guy.

mkd14artist

I have been to the meetings with him in the past. I am trying to educate myself the best I can. I know I can never really know how he feels. By all means I cannot fix him, I'm not trying to fix him. He is an addict and always will be. I just want to be supportive and encouraging. I don't want to be the hero. I love him. I really do believe he has a beautiful heart and soul, I just wanted to know te best ways to deal with the situation.

I do appreciate all the advice and the welcoming. I will take anything anyone says in stride, im just trying to learn

hello-kitty

It's important to have boundaries in ANY relationship regarding the kind of behavior you will and will not accept in your life.

Boundaries are for you. They are I statements. They are based on your personal values They define the behavior and treatment you will and will not accept in your life. Boundaries also have consequences - the action you will take if your boundary is violated.

For example,

I will not tolerate dishonesty and lies in a relationship. If I suspect someon is lying to me, I will no longer trust them and I will remove myself from the relationship.

I will not financially support adults who should be supporting themselves - I will not give or loan money out.

I will not allow people who drink or use drugs to "sleep it off" or "recover" on my couch.

I will not allow people who I suspect are using drugs in my house or around my child. I will leave the situation or if it's my house I will ask them to leave.

I will not allow someone to yell at me or be disrespectful to me. I will remind them of this and if they do not stop I will walk away from the situation.

I will focus on managing my behavior and my life, and I will allow others to manage their own lives in whatever way they choose. I will not try to CHANGE people. I will accept them the way they are, and maintain appropriate contact with them based on my value system.

I reserve the right to change my boundaries at anytime.

What are your personal boundaries MKD?

mkd14artist

I have been tho gong about my own boundaries fOr awhile now, I

sTiLlhErE1986

I am glad you found this forum, it will bring you much comfort and support. I know the struggle you are going through right now, you would literally do ANYTHING in order to help him, this is how I feel about my exRABF.

But what I have come to realize, and I wish I would of sooner, is that there is absolutely nothing that we can do for them. He knows that you care alot for him, but this is something that he has to do on his own, for himself, or it will never stick.

I realized too late that pushing and trying to offer the support and love that we think our addict needs can in time push them away from us. Don't make that mistake.

Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself, then down the road if things are meant to work out they will...

loveforhorses

MKD... I met my boyfriend when he had been in recovery for 10 mos. We started dating when he had been in recovery about 10.5 months. The first few months of our relationshi[ we saw each other once a week and talked on the phone a few times a week as he was in a halfway house at the time. He has since completed that program and is now living in a sober living environment. We now see each other almost everyday and talk everyday. However we do not spend much time talking about his recovery nor his addiction. When he first left the halfway house I did often attend meetings with him for about a month. Now he goes on his own and I rarely attend them. He knows without a doubt that I am here for him to talk to, to vent to, and just to sit quietly with him and that I support him in his recovery and his next right choice. We both know that he needs a strong base of people in recovery to talk with as well about the things that I can't understand or help him with. People he can ask about things and feelings he doesn't completely understand.
All that said my advice to you is to just do you and take care of you. Being who you are as long as it's not enabling him will give him the support he needs.

Take care..
Hugs