tjp613

I just have to get this UP and OUT because it has been bothering me soooo much. Let me say up front that this is NOT intended to start a debate about religion. This is a question about how to handle strong feelings.

I'm 'working on' letting go of my addict son (21) as his addiction takes a stronger and stronger hold of him, now in the form of heroin. Part of this grieving process has been trying to control that horrible fear/nightmare that he will die of an overdose and I will have to bury my son. It is a gut-wrenching feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The only thing that gives me any comfort in that regard is to think that, if he dies, my mom will be at "the gate" to greet him and they will be overjoyed to be together. I believe this very strongly even though my son is an atheist and doesn't believe in an afterlife. I wouldn't say I have a 'traditional' Christian belief, but I do most definitely believe in a spiritual realm one might call Heaven....and I don't actually believe in hell at all.

ANYWAY.... I was sharing my heartache with my good friend of 36 years...a very traditional Church-of-Christ bible-studyin' (but heavy-drinkin') Christian. When I told her about the 'vision' of AS and my mom and how that was the only thing that comforted me in the slightest, she paused and said, "Well, you know, only those who 'heed the call' will be allowed entrance into Heaven."

I was speechless. I said nothing but ended the conversation shortly after that. After reflecting on it, I am now feeling deeply offended and hurt that she could be so cruel in that way.... W T F??? When I think of it now I just feel like I've been socked in the stomach all over again. I wish I could tell her how much her comments hurt me, but I think she would just get defensive and I sure don't want to get into a big religious debate. Yuck.

Should I say something?

Justlizzyd

tjp - My parents were both heavy drinkers when I was very young. When they got "saved" they stopped drinking. My dad was so excited about his new faith. He was talking about it at work and this guy told him, "well, that's all good and all but you are still going to hell". My dad being a new christian did not no how to handle that statement from this Church-of-Christ man. Anyways....that was cruel, very much so. Even if that is how she believes she should have kept that to herself. I would tell her that her comments hurt. I mean heck who really knows how the "afterlife" is done. We all have different beliefs. That was just wrong of her IMHO. I was reading in my Nar-anon book last night and it discussed about how the people in the meeting understand where folks who don't know the sting of addiction in their family do not really understand. Hopefully you have someone in your life that you can find like in an al-anon or nar-anon group to share those feelings with. They would be more understanding.

outtolunch

It does not sound as though her intent was to hurt you. Maybe it's time to take what you need and leave the rest.

I used to remind myself that my daughter had a greater chance of dying in a car accident unrelated to addiction, than anything to do with addiction/lifestyle

I have no idea if this is statistically accurate. Did not matter. It gave me some warped comfort and helped me to stop projecting into the future/ worying about things I do not control.

cece1960

I don't blame you for being hurt TJP, but unfortunately, her beliefs may be too strong to approach in a rational way, friend or no friend.

Your beliefs are just as important as hers, and regardless of what book she reads or what service she attends, no one actually knows what happens...so we stand by our own beliefs.

Since I doubt that confronting her would get anywhere I would avoid talking to her about anything to do with religion. If she persists you could end the conversation ( and perhaps contact for a while ) or let her know that what she says is hurtful, even if she doesn't realize it.

outtolunch

Back when, before drugs and all that followed, I used to make myself sick with worry when my daughter flew without me. Somehow I convinced myself that if I was there I could save her if the plane went down. BTW, I have no clue about avaiation.

Who knew I had been in training for a Codependnet Marathon, all along.

Seren

(((TJP))) I'm christian, and I believe that only God gets to judge us, not our fellow man. I believe God loves each one of us, just as we are......that he wants to redeem each and everyone of us and to have a special relationship with each and every one of us.

I'm sorry your friend feels that way, but I don't agree with her statement one little bit. It is NOT her decision. Your son is loved by his HP.

And Mr. HG and I empathize with your worry. We haven't heard from "Jr." in almost 7 months now and do not know if he is even alive. Hugs and many prayers for you and your precious son.

HG

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - I'm sure it did hurt, but I've dealt with people like that, and I just don't "go there" in my conversations with them. FWIW, I feel the same way you do. I truly believe my XABF#3 is up there with his mom (who died 2 years before him), dad, and other family members. It gives ME comfort, and people may have different opinions, but I've gotten really good at getting out of that part of the conversation quick (thank you SR!).

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

TMZ

No, there is no reason to say anything to her. I am sure she meant no harm, she thought she was just sharing knowledge with you {just not think wile the words were coming out of her mouth.}

That is the hard part of this disease, others that have not dealt with it don't really know how to help us that are living it. That is why I go to nar anon and come here to SR.

I am sorry for your pain but at least you have us to share with.

By the way from all of the people I have talked with that have recovered (including a Rev.) they all turn to God at the end when they are going through the DT's. ...Oh god let me make it through this. ... Oh God please ....

cc88

Maybe she should have remembered Matthew 7. God knows what may or may not happen to your son when his last breath is drawn. No one knows when or what that means. How heartless. Even if she DOES believe that, would it not have been compassionate to keep it to herself in that moment of your pain. I love God but sometimes I can't stand his fanclub.

Freedom1990

When it comes to my spiritual beliefs, I am very careful who I talk to just because of incidents like that.

I'm so sorry that she hurt you.

Sending you hugs of support!

CherokeeFree

tjp,
having come from a very religous upbringing ( Sunday School, Church, Bible study, Vacation Bible School, etc) it has been my experience that the extremely religous tend to be the most judgemental. I was raised Baptist and it always puzzled me how one could say they follow "Jesus' yet cannot seem to love and accept the person sitting next to them in the pew. long ago I broke away from traditional religion, prefering to emcompass spiritual awareness instead. My parents and all of my family members are still devout Christians, and I get a lot of flack from them. My husband and I attend Native American ceremonies and have visited B'hai temples and chant Buddhist prayers. i think , for me, it is easier to accept the small mindedness of some people and let their comments and beliefs roll off my back, rather than to take it to heart. I believe, first of all that your son (with the help of your faith and our prayers) will eventually find his way. And if not, my faith has taught me that everyone has the right to enter the kingdon of heaven. Just pray for your friend, and try to let it go. peace and blessings to you and yours... Cherokee

Chino

I'd handle her betrayal (that's the way I see it) like I do with anyone -- I stop trusting them. Her agenda was just as strong as any addiction.

simplyfab

This is what stands out for me in your post.

I don't read this and think "religion differences". The first thing that came to my mind was, "Was that really necessary? You've been her good friend for 36 yrs, she's hurting so much inside, and telling you what the one and only thing that brings her an ounce of comfort is, and that's what comes out of your mouth? You couldn't just be the shoulder she could cry on or the friend she needed?"

I know and feel your frustration. You're not upset so much at the religious aspect of the conversation, but the insensitivity of a "good friend". Almost a "way to kick me while I'm down" anger. All you wanted was a friend who you can vent to and let you believe whatever you're little heart desires because you're clearly sharing how this is the ONLY thing that comforts you from feeling helpless and terrified all the time. Pretty much just wanted her to shut the f*ck up and listen. Sometimes you just need that. Just to vent and have someone listen without judging or commenting. A friend.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It really does feel like you you've been socked in your stomach and end up feeling worse than before.

For me, this isn't something that I would be able to forget about and not let her know how much her comment hurt. 36 yrs is a long time and if you can't share your feelings and how this hurt, then what does that say about the friendship? But like I said, that's just me. You're born into your family, you don't choose who you're related to, but you do choose your friends. Which makes them an important person in your life.
Big hugs for you!
BTW..I also believe in my heart that my dad and my grandma will be there to greet me. Don't let her insensitivity take that beautiful thought from your heart.

Ann

I too think that your beliefs are as important as hers, and I will add that I think she was rude to project on you like that...there, I said it out loud, she was rude.

Like several before me here, I was raised a Baptist in a hellfire and damnation church (it has since changed) and found myself happier embracing the goodness of many religions and leaving church doctrine and extremist views to other people. The God of my understanding today is a loving and forgiving God, who loves all His children, even His addicted children. Jesus spent most of his time with the sick and the sinners, bringing them light and I believe this reflects the goodness we are meant to share with one another.

I pray to the God of my understanding every morning, asking Him to take care of my son (missing over 7 years now). And I believe that He does watch over him, and me, and all of us. That's not up for debate, that's what's in my heart.

My program suggested I pray for those who disturb me, so I will pray for your very rude friend because she must live a very frightened life.

Hugs from one mama to another.

bluebelle

You might want to not talk to her about religion anymore. That's how I handle it. I don't bring it up, and if somebody else says something I disagree with, I try to change the subject. If they continue, I will let them know that I don't usually talk about religion, politics, or sex, because it can lead to arguments.

I have my own personal beliefs. I don't think my beliefs are better or worse than somebody else's. I doubt that your friend was saying this to hurt your feelings. She truely believes what she said. That is o.k. for her. You could just tell her that you have your beliefs and she has hers, and you'd rather not talk about it. It could be a dealbreaker for her, but I hope not for your sake. I think this is a place where you can have a boundary for yourself. My boundary is that I am o.k. with listening to people talk about their religion, but it doesn't mean that I will start believing the way they do. I am respectful of them and expect that they will be respectful of my beliefs.

bluebelle

Also, I wanted to add..I agree with you. My personal belief is that the addicts in my life are watched over by God and angels. I pray to God and am thankful for the angels that watch over them. I think that it is perfectly acceptable for me as a codie to turn my concerns about others over to God and believe that it is His job to take care of them, not mine. That's how I handle the situation, and am thankful to those who have suggested this to me. However, I am also respectful of people who feel differently about it. I think religion is and should be a personal thing.

alaskasunshine

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how that feels. (((hugs)))

tjp613

Thank you all so much for your comments and understanding. This is an awesome place.

Simplyfab really nailed what I was trying to say....



I learned long ago NOT to get into debates with her. We are so far apart on the issue that there is no point whatsoever. I guess I was really taken aback by her turning my pain into an opportunity to "witness" (or whatever you want to call it). She was more focused on that than on me and my personal suffering.

What makes me even madder....and I am struggling so hard not to be or sound judgemental.... but she and her husband both are raging alcoholics who have horrible screaming fights 2-3x a week in front of their only son.

There's something very screwed up here.

I'll chew on it a bit more and maybe use it as a teaching moment....to teach her how I'd like to be treated/respected...because this isn't the first time she's made me or my family feel like something "less" and maybe I've reached my limit. I won't respond anytime soon, that's for sure. I've got way bigger fish to fry.

Thanks to all of you. ((((BIG HUGS)))

Habit

I am a Christian. The "power of life and death is in the tongue" ~~Bible. You were seeking comfort and encouragement in sharing with your friend. She missed an opportunity to speak words of life to you. Instead she spoke words that deeply hurt you. The Bible teaches us to "weep with those who are weeping and to rejoice with those who are rejoicing." I would "Tell God" about it and let it go. God bless you and your precious son!

Freedom1990

That explains the insensitive garbage that came out of her mouth. That certainly doesn't excuse it.

I know personally I can't be friends with an active alcoholic. I don't care if they didn't start out alcoholically.