sTiLlhErE1986

If any of you have followed my posts you know what has been going on. My exRABF is now living 3 hours away from me in a halfway house. We don't speak much now tho, he refuses to speak to me and I'm fine with that, more time I can spend on myself! BUT this passed weekend he had a pass so he came to see me at my apt and we spent tome together b4 he went to meet his parents. He said he loved me, missed me, we couldn't be together blah blah blah well then here came the kicker, he needed $100, to buy suboxen and he needed it from me, promosed to pay me back. I stupidly believed and gave him it! And needless to say I haven't heard from him in 4 days

But the only thing I am mad about or suprised by this is that I let mysrlf get fooled again?? I mean since he is in recovery, has a few months clean, so shouldn't he see how badly he is hurting me? And when in the heck an I going to stopppp giving into him?? Its like I know I sgould say no, I want to say no but the word that comes out of my mouth is yes!!! Ughhhhhhhhh help me

suki44883

What are you doing for yourself and to work on your own issues while he is away living at the sober house? This should be a time for you to attend nar-anon meetings or see a counselor or whatever you need in order to progress in your own recovery.

Freedom1990

I ignored my codependency issues for many years after I got into recovery from alcoholism/addictions.

I guess I thought they would eventually go away on their own. They didn't.

The result was a lot of poor decisions over the years.

I finally hit a codependent bottom when my ex-fiance walked out on me.

That's when I got dead serious about codependency recovery.

"Codependent No More" was the first book I read.

I've had/have sponsors who are double winners-AA and Alanon both.

Regardless of how uncomfortable it's been, I've had to work on changing old behaviors and attitudes.

The journey really has been worth it, and I look forward to learning new things each day.

Kindeyes

My AS told me once (in one of his brief periods of sobriety) "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

I took those wise words to heart. I now stand up for my own recovery. My recovery means that I don't give money to an addict. Period. He doesn't like that so much. Maybe he even hates me, I dunno. Doesn't matter.

There's an old movie "Love Story". One of the famous lines from that movie is "Love means you never have to say you're sorry." In a way, I think it's true-ish. Love certainly means you don't have to say you're sorry for saying "No". There are times when it takes more love to say "no" than it does to say "yes".

gentle hugs
ke

CatsPajamas

Oh my gosh I cannot count the times I believed my A and gave into one of his requests for money/time/dinner/intimacy etc.

And then I would beat myself up for being so gullible and falling for it again.

Recovery has taught me a few things:

First and foremost, I can forgive myself those lapses in judgment and know that I was doing the best I could at the time

Also, I'll keep a bit of compassion and maybe stumble a bit more along the way, because I don't want to be so hard on myself

sTiLlhErE1986

Suki- So far I have been using this site daily, and I have inquired about going to see a therapist, still unclear about which type will suit my needs right now. I have read "Codependency No More" cover to cover. I think I am doing alot better from where I was at before, but that is part of what bothers me. I get so tired of slipping when I KNOW BETTER

Anvil- That is a good boundary that I should give for myself. So far that has been my problem with this recovery process for myself, I have yet to establish boundaries and I am kind of unclear on even where to start with them? But that does seem like 1 that I need to stick to, to keep myself sane. And as for my ex using the "L" word, you are right I think he does just use it for leverage, he knows exactly what to say to me to get what he wants. He is extremelymanipulative, no suprise because he is a addict, whether in recovery or not. The thing that is making me so upset is that I continue to fall for it, I know I shouldn't believe him, but I continue to do so. I can't make him change his behavior and not treat me the way he does, I am fully aware of that, I can only change how I react to it, and I continue to react WRONG...I mean why am I so suprised he doesn't change how he treats me, why would he, he continues to get money from me and then just goes on his merry way?? No reason to change.

Kindeyes- That quote does seem somewhat true to me, as you said, I constantly feel horrible when I say no, but if there was any real "love" coming from my ex he never would even put me in the position to have to say no if he truly cared about me. I think the biggest thing that is bothering me the most of this whole situation is that I never thought in a million years that me and my ex would be in the position that we are in now. After all that we have been through together I never thought it would come to this. But I guess I need to move on and realize that there is no use wasting my time being upset, but that is SO hard.

The biggest thing that also shocks me about this recovery process as a whole, is now that he is in "recovery" you would think that the recovering addict would treat the people around them better? I am having a hard time grasping that now I am getting treated worse, but I guess some things we will never be able to understand....

sTiLlhErE1986

I am so forgiving and compassionate to others (obviously to a fault) but I need to learn how to be easier on myself and not beat myself up when I make a mistake. I mean through all the relapses/treatment centers/slip ups I went through with my ex I kept supporting him and being his person to lean on, why can't I do that for myself???

Freedom1990

True recovery includes a profound change in who we addicts used to be. We learn through moral inventory what our character defects are. We work hard to be rid of those defects, and to make amends for what we have done.

He may appear to be in "recovery" on the surface, but I can assure you that within himself there is very little to no recovery.

Don't expect him to act like someone in real recovery.

That's a surefire recipe for disappointment.