Lost in Addiction
 

My 1st post...i have lurked for awhile.

I have been married to my AH for almost 3yrs. I have 3 daughters from a previous marriage and a newborn son with my AH. I KNEW my husband was a addict when I met him, so maybe that is why I'm having a hard time with a decision of staying or leaving. My AH was on Oxy then decided Roxy was cheaper and not as bad. He has been to rehab 3-4 times already, a sub clinic and now the methadone clinic. The dr. at the sub clinic said xanax would help with his oxy withdraws???? So he also has a problem with xanax. Long story short.....we live in his mother's basement, he has lost his job (which was very good and well-paying), both of our cars were repossessed (mine after he totaled it..DUI)....I'm at the bottom of bottom. I work 40hrs, take care of the kids, pay what bills we do have and pay for his MMT. I use to think of myself as a good mother and person but I after the things I have put my children through I no longer see that. I wait for the glimpes of the sober person that I love but I rarely see them. I know I can't help him anymore, I have 4 young kids and myself to worry about. My question is how to I get out of this messy, violent relationahip and fix it so I'm never in it again....I need help.

Begin by focussing on yourself and your children. Just a minute at a time. If you are hungry, eat. Just put one foot in front of the other and do what you can in this moment. Is there a safe place you and the children could go temporarily? If there is violence going on you must leave. There are community shelters if you have no family. I know it is hard, but for now, forget about your husband and his illness and take care of yourself and your children. You can call 311. There is hope. You are loved and the situation is overwhelming if you look at the whole thing past, present and future. So stay in the moment...right now...do something towards protecting yourself and your children. Make that call. Blessings and prayers are being sent to you.

If your husband is violent, please call your local domestic violence shelter. They can help you and your children get away to a safe place. Please check out this link...

Local Women's Shelters

Welcome to SR!

I'm pretty new here and new to my own recovery so I don't offer much advise. However, there are some wise folks on this board. I am so sorry that you are in a place where you are now. I hate to see people hurting. You need to find a support group like Al-anon or Nar-anon and make friends in these places. I'm here because of an AH. I know that it is easy to alienate yourself. Going to a meeting will help you in that area. Posting here is very good too. Read everything you can on this board. Like I said, I'm new but there are some wise folk here that have been where you are at. Listen to them, they know.

I think that your AH has taken a toll on your self worth. YOU are good mother and person. You are also an incredibly strong person, I think you just don't know how strong you are, yet.

The important thing is that you realized what this is doing to you and your children, and want to make a change. Maybe if your AH is left to his own, and realizes he is loosing his family that may help him as well, but no guarantee.

Is there any family or friends that could help you out and let you stay with them?

Maybe his mom would be wiling to have him move(because of the drugs) and let you guys stay. I could see doing that if I were a grandmother, myself.

Is there anyway you could hide money to save for yourself to leave? My Friends did that. She hid money from her AH little by little and then had enough to move. That seems hard in a situation with 4 kids. Maybe a family member could help with that?

Just some ideas.

Be careful though, violence can escalate when you try to separate yourself from the addict.

My thoughts are with you and your family, hugs :)

"I KNEW my husband was a addict when I met him, so maybe that is why I'm having a hard time with a decision of staying or leaving. "

I also wanted to say that I can see how that thought would stick in your mind, but you have changed, and maybe that was okay then, but you see that it is not okay now. People change, and it is okay to change your mind.

Try not to feel guilty about it, and let that mess with your mind :)

I don't have family that can help and I often find myself thinking if I wait it out it will get better. My AH isn't physically abusive but is verbally....and very loud and makes scenes. This morning on the way to taking me to work he realized I didn't have all the money for him to go to his MMT so when I was getting out of the car he threw the money out in the parking lot, I jsut kept walking as if nothing had happened and about 5 mins later he came in my office and threw the money at me and calling me stupid and telling me to come up with the rest. I tried calming him down because I NEED my job but he wasn't having it. He left unsatisfied and called me every 5 mins for an hour until I guess he came up with the money. I have gave and gave and keep giving but I'm not doing without or leaving my kids without anymore. I find available jobs for him but nothing ever comes of them. I have gave 110% and I have nothing left. I have known him for a very long time, before the drug abuse, he was a GREAT man....can I get that man?

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Please check out that site I gave you and call a domestic violence center. You do not deserve to be treated that way and your children should not be exposed to such abuse. Please, let someone help you get out of that nightmare.

I understand the emotional toll that those"scenes" take on your well being-- trust me.

I really wish you had family to go to-- this is a hard situation, because you are living with his mom. Have you talked to her about this? I am sure she sees his behavior.--- Is there any way possible that she would have him move out for the good of her grandchild? Maybe she would agree to go to a Nanon meeting with you-- wishful thinking on my part.

Maybe you could also talk to your boss, and explain the situation, maybe they will be extra understanding- I would hope they would. They could make it a point not to let him into the building or something.

If I were you, I would start keeping my money to myself as much as possible. That way you have something in case of emergency and to move.

Also, there are programs in a lot of areas that will help him pay for treatment--perhaps that is an option.

Hugs

"I know that it is easy to alienate yourself" from justlizzyd

That is so true, when you are in a situation like this drowning, you can become isolated-or the people you are close to may not understand-- Naranon meetings are a life saver.