New here , just seeking my way...
CherokeeFree
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: chicago il
Posts: 9
New here , just seeking my way...
I am new to this venue, and dont really know how and why to begin, other than knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt , that if I dont reach out for help, I will surely implode! i have 20 yrs sober from drugs and recently married a wonderful man who makes/made my life so much better. My life has been filled with more trauma than I care to elaborate on right now, but my guy makes me smile and feel like nothing else matters but the here and now.
First, let me say that, just from reading the posts here, I am pretty sure I am a co-dependent person. For the past 15 years, I have worked with the chronically homeless population, and while I would love to think that this means I am a wonderfully loving and selfless person, I am slowly starting to realize that my profession has become part of my new addiction. Helping others, fixing others, thats what I do, and dammit , I'm good at it. I always like to say that I am the gal you want to call in a clutch..my adrenaline starts pumping all over the place whenever there is a crisis, or a frenzied call for help from a friend. Geez, all this time I thought I was recovered, only to find that I have literally just replaced one addiction with another.
i even married a man who I knew was struggling with his "recovery", and now I am stuck in a marriage with a man I love but cannot trust. I thought, I guess, that I could "fix" him, and of course when he relasped last week after more than a year clean, I have nothing but disgust and anger toward him.
i see him trying so hard to be the man I need him to be, and yet, as I write this, I realize that I have not been there for him the way I should be.( IS THIS MY CO-DEPENDENCY TALKING???)
I have ranted and raved about 'how could you f this all up again...after all you have put me through...yada yada yada. Truth is, I am finding that I am addicted to his addiction, addicted to being needed. Who knew...
First, let me say that, just from reading the posts here, I am pretty sure I am a co-dependent person. For the past 15 years, I have worked with the chronically homeless population, and while I would love to think that this means I am a wonderfully loving and selfless person, I am slowly starting to realize that my profession has become part of my new addiction. Helping others, fixing others, thats what I do, and dammit , I'm good at it. I always like to say that I am the gal you want to call in a clutch..my adrenaline starts pumping all over the place whenever there is a crisis, or a frenzied call for help from a friend. Geez, all this time I thought I was recovered, only to find that I have literally just replaced one addiction with another.
i even married a man who I knew was struggling with his "recovery", and now I am stuck in a marriage with a man I love but cannot trust. I thought, I guess, that I could "fix" him, and of course when he relasped last week after more than a year clean, I have nothing but disgust and anger toward him.
i see him trying so hard to be the man I need him to be, and yet, as I write this, I realize that I have not been there for him the way I should be.( IS THIS MY CO-DEPENDENCY TALKING???)
I have ranted and raved about 'how could you f this all up again...after all you have put me through...yada yada yada. Truth is, I am finding that I am addicted to his addiction, addicted to being needed. Who knew...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cherokee))) - welcome to SR!! I was a codie queen. I wasn't raised that way, honestly think I was BORN that way, but I ended up with THREE XABF's (ex addict/alcholic boyfriends) and then developed my own addiction because I couldn't FIX my first relationship, one I was in for over 20 years.
I came here, as a recovering addict (had 6 months when I signed on, after lurking for over a year), and was drawn to this forum. I am now in recovery for addiction AND codependency, and in all honesty, the codie part has been harder. I can stay away from crack...I can't stay away from my family (who I'm living with thanks to the consequences of my addiction) and it is dysfunction junction here.
This forum has been invaluable to me. When I first got here, I read a ton of stories. I started trying to do things others had done, set boundaries, think of MYSELF instead of how I could help someone else out, etc. It was one step forward, 2 steps back, but I've gotten better.
FWIW, I was also in a "helping profession" - I was a nurse, though lost that career to my addiction.
The good news is, we can get better. A really good book you may want to check out is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Though I read it years ago, I wasn't yet ready to make any changes. I had to hit my bottom in my codependency, just as I had to hit my bottom with dope.
You'll find lots of ES&H here (experience, strength, and hope). Many also find help with al-anon or nar-anon meetings..f2f support is a lot of help.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I came here, as a recovering addict (had 6 months when I signed on, after lurking for over a year), and was drawn to this forum. I am now in recovery for addiction AND codependency, and in all honesty, the codie part has been harder. I can stay away from crack...I can't stay away from my family (who I'm living with thanks to the consequences of my addiction) and it is dysfunction junction here.
This forum has been invaluable to me. When I first got here, I read a ton of stories. I started trying to do things others had done, set boundaries, think of MYSELF instead of how I could help someone else out, etc. It was one step forward, 2 steps back, but I've gotten better.
FWIW, I was also in a "helping profession" - I was a nurse, though lost that career to my addiction.
The good news is, we can get better. A really good book you may want to check out is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Though I read it years ago, I wasn't yet ready to make any changes. I had to hit my bottom in my codependency, just as I had to hit my bottom with dope.
You'll find lots of ES&H here (experience, strength, and hope). Many also find help with al-anon or nar-anon meetings..f2f support is a lot of help.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
CherokeeFree
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: chicago il
Posts: 9
Thanks so much for the feedback, Amy. And as confirmation that this MUST be the place I need to be..not even 15 minutes ago, i ordered the book by Melodie Beattie! Go figure...
I'll start looking for the f2f help next. But I'm sure breathing a lot easier knowing that i am not the lonely freak I thought I was!
I'll start looking for the f2f help next. But I'm sure breathing a lot easier knowing that i am not the lonely freak I thought I was!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cherokee))) - I read through, probably, hundreds of posts from all kinds of people who were in different steps toward recovery. Over the years I've seen people make some amazing progress, some are still struggling. You are definitely not alone.
Don't be surprised when you read the book if you see "you" in a lot of it. I wore out two copies, the first time, but it still didn't click. Guess I wasn't miserable enough. The last time I read it, it sunk in.
You're not a freak. You're just a codie who's made the first step by recognizing you have a problem...that's a great step! One thing that I struggled with was accepting MY part in the dysfunctional relationships, then the guilt that came with that. Someone here explained "when we know better, we do better" and that helped. I never knew better, so I kept trying the same things getting the same result...the very definition of insanity
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Don't be surprised when you read the book if you see "you" in a lot of it. I wore out two copies, the first time, but it still didn't click. Guess I wasn't miserable enough. The last time I read it, it sunk in.
You're not a freak. You're just a codie who's made the first step by recognizing you have a problem...that's a great step! One thing that I struggled with was accepting MY part in the dysfunctional relationships, then the guilt that came with that. Someone here explained "when we know better, we do better" and that helped. I never knew better, so I kept trying the same things getting the same result...the very definition of insanity
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. This place has been very helpful to me when dealing with my RABF, addicted mom & dad, and addicted step-daughter. Codependent No More is an excellent book. I have read it several times. This website really helps me. It reminds me how to take care of myself, about setting boundaries with others, etc. I have also always worked in helping professions and am very good at it!! If you haven't checked them out yet, the stickies at the top of the page are very helpful. I've also found comfort from reading the stickies on the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page. (The information works for both addictions.)
I come to this page often to re-center myself. I also do things like meditate, take walks, bubble baths, spend time with my animals, etc. I try to do things for myself so that I feel better. It is really hard living with somebody who has relapsed. I've been there a couple of times, and it made me feel a lot of anger. It caused a lot of tension in the household. It can make you feel really crazy.
Have you looked at the twelve steps for codependents? Sometimes, I just repeat the first 2 steps to myself when I'm starting to obsess over somebody else's behavior. A few years, I finally think I reached my bottom with being a codependent, and since then I have tried to actively work on myself. I think it has helped. I feel better now then I used to.
I come to this page often to re-center myself. I also do things like meditate, take walks, bubble baths, spend time with my animals, etc. I try to do things for myself so that I feel better. It is really hard living with somebody who has relapsed. I've been there a couple of times, and it made me feel a lot of anger. It caused a lot of tension in the household. It can make you feel really crazy.
Have you looked at the twelve steps for codependents? Sometimes, I just repeat the first 2 steps to myself when I'm starting to obsess over somebody else's behavior. A few years, I finally think I reached my bottom with being a codependent, and since then I have tried to actively work on myself. I think it has helped. I feel better now then I used to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR CherokeeFree......you've found a great forum. I hope you find answers, insight and comfort here. I do.
Congrats on 20 years of sobriety. That's huge! I'm really not surprised at all about the codependency issue. I know several people who hang on both sides of the fence. I think that when a person is in recovery from addiction/alcoholism, it would be pretty common to fall into the codependency trap. I believe my addicted son has a lot of codependent traits taught to him by a pro (me).
If you've been the 12 step route in AA or NA, perhaps it would be beneficial to check out the rooms of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I have found tremendous support, understanding, and have learned so much in those meetings. I continue to learn and will continue to attend those meetings forever because I do believe that I am as prone to relapse into my codie behaviors as an addict/alcoholic is prone to relapse on their DOC.
I'm glad you found us. I'll look forward to walking next to you and learning from you as you take your journey.
gentle hugs
ke
Congrats on 20 years of sobriety. That's huge! I'm really not surprised at all about the codependency issue. I know several people who hang on both sides of the fence. I think that when a person is in recovery from addiction/alcoholism, it would be pretty common to fall into the codependency trap. I believe my addicted son has a lot of codependent traits taught to him by a pro (me).
If you've been the 12 step route in AA or NA, perhaps it would be beneficial to check out the rooms of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I have found tremendous support, understanding, and have learned so much in those meetings. I continue to learn and will continue to attend those meetings forever because I do believe that I am as prone to relapse into my codie behaviors as an addict/alcoholic is prone to relapse on their DOC.
I'm glad you found us. I'll look forward to walking next to you and learning from you as you take your journey.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You're not a freak. And you are a wonderful, caring person. You're just in a really bad situation right now. And you are looking for a solution. That makes you a strong powerful woman.
If are willing to do what it takes, you can learn alot about yourself. You will grow. And you will peace with yourself and get your life back.
Welcome to the site.
If are willing to do what it takes, you can learn alot about yourself. You will grow. And you will peace with yourself and get your life back.
Welcome to the site.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I too think I was born co-dependant. I work in a helping profession, and am in recovery from an eating disorder.
Al-anon has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life. I love Melody's book also.
I have done a lot of individual counseling which is also a great help to me. I am realizing I am pretty grounded in myself after a long time, but as soon as I take it out into relationship with someone else it gets all katywompus on me. Progress, not perfection.
Welcome, and we are glad you are here.
Al-anon has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life. I love Melody's book also.
I have done a lot of individual counseling which is also a great help to me. I am realizing I am pretty grounded in myself after a long time, but as soon as I take it out into relationship with someone else it gets all katywompus on me. Progress, not perfection.
Welcome, and we are glad you are here.
CherokeeFree
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: chicago il
Posts: 9
oh wow, I am overwhelmed (happily so) by the responses of support here. It's funny, last night I told my hubby that i felt so alone. he obviously cannot help me, he is struggling to find his own way. I think that being married to a woman with 20 years clean (never did 12 step) is probably a little daunting for him. I feel today that I have found my lifeline, and most assuredly, just in the nick of time. I have found myself thinking a lot about just ending it all, and I realize that what i really want to end is the pain of this addiction, mine, not his. i am the caregiver, always, even in my sleep I am dreaming of things I must do, and people I have to save. It has never been easy for me to take the S off my chest and let others see that I am only human. i also dont find it easy to go to counseling because I am always afraid that my insanity will leak out to my social service community. a couple of years ago I did go seek help, and was absolutely mortified to walk into the office of a colleague I knew from meetings, etc. needless to say, i did not want to share my deep dark secrets with him. i struggle daily these days, in my job helping homeless moms and kids...part of me feels like a hypocrite, trying to help someone when i know deep inside that it is i that needs the most help.
I have seriously been thinking about joining the Peace Corps, working overseas in some rice paddy, where I dont have to do anything but be.
But anyhoo, I digress (you'll find I do that quite a bit) . All I really want to say to all of you is thank you so much, I am grateful for the hands of friendship you have extended to me.
I have seriously been thinking about joining the Peace Corps, working overseas in some rice paddy, where I dont have to do anything but be.
But anyhoo, I digress (you'll find I do that quite a bit) . All I really want to say to all of you is thank you so much, I am grateful for the hands of friendship you have extended to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Cherokee - welcome! You've stumbled upon a GREAT place. Full of support, wisdom, and experience. I, too, am in a helping profession and am a professional codie. It is just as lethal of a situation as any substance addiction. My ex husband was a recovering crack addict and I really focused on him to the detriment of me, my well-being and my safety.
You are so not a freak....you have lots of company with all of the issues that you are talking about.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better - until then.....welcome!
You are so not a freak....you have lots of company with all of the issues that you are talking about.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better - until then.....welcome!
CherokeeFree
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: chicago il
Posts: 9
Today I am choosing to focus on me. I am not going to say yes, when I really want to say no. I am not going to let anyone or anything resolve me to frustration, or anger or hurt. Today I am going to concentrate solely on the events in front of me, rather than the situations of the past. Today I choose to laugh out loud rather than grumble inside. I am conducting the Grand Experiment,to see if what people say is really true...you manifest what you think about. I am Joy, I have Peace Within, I am Loved by those who matter, I am changing!
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