Notmydream

My husband addicted to narcotics for at least 5 years has ended up in a treatment center in another state that he "researched" on his own. We have been separated for almost a year and I have filed for divorce but he is still on my insurance plan. He got there yesterday and has called me today saying that the facility is unorganized, patients have unlimited phone access and come and go as they please even during detox phase?? Patient left center yesterday and tried to rob convenience store located near facility.

Now he wants me to find him another place, call and check on insurance so that he can leave. When I look at the website for the place it says all of the right things so all of a sudden I wonder if this is yet another lie? This is 4th detox since March and the 2nd time for 30-day program.

I wasn't sure it was appropriate to name facility or even location but when I searched through this site I didn't find it.

I believe he will be dead or in jail soon if he returns home now. His most recent counselor believes he has a sex addiction as well so he needs a dual addiction program. I am kind of at a loss whether to try and help him one more time or not.

Freedom1990

He sure knows a lot about the place for being there 24 hours, eh?

I had a lot of bad things to say about the rehab I was in too, but I was giving manipulation my best shot. It didn't work either.

dollydo

Welcome,

I assume he is an adult, at least in age and therefore should be responsible for his own recovery, and that means finding his own place to recover. Being at a place for only one day and already deciding it won't work, is indicitive of the impulsive behavior of addicts.

What are you doing for you? Are you attending Naranon meetings?

Read all the stickies in the Family & Friends Forums and others posts, lots of great information at your fingertips.

Ann

I agree, it's early and not unusual for manipulation to kick in.

The Salvation Army has very good programs and they are free...maybe let him know that and he can make his own arrangements to change rehabs if he would rather be there. Won't cost anyone a dime and they have rehabs everywhere.

Hugs to you, it sounds like you are taking good care of yourself regardless of how he is doing.

Hugs

Supremacy

Well I think he may be having some anxiety being in the rehab and having some urges which obviously is normal. I think you have two choices, one being if you really are concerned about this rehab to call yourself and see if these patients are able to come and go as they please, the other choice would be to let go because it seems you have already made your mind up in leaving him which means you can leave his addiction problems behind as well, this isn’t your battle to fight for him. Take a deep breath and see what your heart pulls to more. Best of Luck

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. You'll find lots of support here as you put your life back together and move on.

The co-dependent in me says get involved. Call the rehab and ask what their rules are for patients. See what they say.

But the recovered part of me says to let go and let God. Don't take anymore of his phone calls. Or, if you do, recommend he use his unlimited phone time to find his own rehab (and I LOVE the salvation army idea). And then tell him you are busy and have to go now.

He is nearly your EX after all. And there is a reason for that...

Notmydream

I think the only reason I halfway believe him is the fact that he has been able to use the phone anytime today and he just got there last night. He had to spend $400 on one-way airfare that I know he didn't have. Maybe he is just anxious and lonely because he is so far away?

His other trips to rehab have been local and I guess in his comfort zone. I think I will sleep on it and pray for some guidance. Would be easy if I didn't still love the man he was when I married him. He has hurt and betrayed me in ways I never thought possible but deep down I still hope for a miracle.

hello-kitty

I'm just reminded that we aren't suppose to rescue addicts from the messes they make. Part of recovery is dealing with it.

More will be revealed I'm sure...

I hope you get some rest. Have you read Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie? Perhaps a trip to the bookstore and a couple chapters before you make any decisions.

Freedom1990

The thing is he is not the man you married.

He never will be, even if by some remote chance he grabs onto recovery.

There is no going back.

We addicts are forever changed by our addictions.

hope213

welcome to S.R .glad u r here. my advise is for you to let him figure it out. it he stays there or if he finds another rehab or just gives up. whatever he does should be choice & his doings. focus on you & hands off the addict. i do understand what u are saying but give yourself a chance & let him fall. when he falls he will get up. hope & prayers,

outtolunch

My reaction is that this sounds like a 7 year old reacting to his first night at sleepover camp.

Assuming this rehab has an open door/phone policy is curious. If things are as he says, it seems to quickly separate those who are highly motivated to embrace recovery from those playing the game.

Why not let him figure this and the rest of his life out?

Chino

He can call the insurance company and request referrals.

Notmydream

Thanks for the advice. He only called once today and I do think this is another manipulation. He is irritated that the detox is Ativan and ibuprofen. All of his other detox stays have been with suboxine. Ordered Codependent No More and started reading tonight. Overwhelmingly sad.

Justfor1

The quality of rehabs and rules do seem to differ a bit. But a detox patient robbing a local store? That sounds horrible. Hopefully, he/she wasn't allowed back into the facility because of their disease. If he picked it though then he should finish the program.

solost87

Hi Notmydream- welcome!
I don't know too much about rehab centers but my boyfriend is 60 days sober today. He went to rehab in Florida. To be honest, some of the things he has told me that went on in rehab were unbelievable. However, as far as I know, (like I said I don't know too much) but unless under a court order, addicts in rehab are not held captive there. If they choose to leave AMA then they are at the free will to do so. Every rehab is different, but I know for him he was granted phone privaledges after his detox, and they got 20 minutes to talk every night, unless phone privaledges were taken away for whatever reason.
I don't really know what advice to give you from my opinion. One side of me probably the "codie" side says that he may not have the resources such as the internet or the availability to call other places, however if he was that uncomfortable and wanted to leave then he was at free will to do so. Then the other side of me says that you are already in the divorce process so you are not in an active relationship with him. You should not allow him to cause you anymore pain or stress, then Im sure you have already endured. I have the habit of always leading with my heart and always wanting to help even when I shouldn't. So I would say, close off your heart for now, and go with what your mind says. Best of luck to you!

Kindeyes

I'm glad to hear that you picked up a copy of Codependent No More. If you are relating to the behaviors and situations described in that book and are just now going "aha! That's ME!" I assure you that your STBXH has known it from the moment he met you and has used it to his advantage. Addicts know a codependent within five minutes of meeting them. I think they can smell us. It's like we have a codependent pheromone! lol

If you are a codependent personality like me (like many of us here in the F&F of SA), you could very well be prone to find another man (or they'll find you) and the problem will repeat itself.

This is now about you and not about him. And that's a good thing!!! When we take the focus off of the addict and put it where it should be....on us...great things begin to happen. We begin to change! And we begin to feel better! And we find joy in our lives again.

If you haven't attended Alanon or Naranon, I'd suggest checking it out.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Notmydream

Thanks to all for the additional support. He seems resigned now to staying there. I didn't jump in and help right away so maybe he realizes I don't have plans to enable him once again. When I look back at this past year and all of the lies he told and I believed?? I still can't wrap my head around how many times he sucked me back in and gave me hope that he would get better and we could repair our marriage. Hard to give up on someone you love and believed you would spend the rest of your life with. Finding this website and reading this forum has really helped me understand what life with an addict is and would be if I stayed. Leaving the relationship seems like the only option to get my life back.

outtolunch

Solo is absolutely right. Adults can walk out of detox and rehab any ole time they care to do so. Walking out during detox and robbing a conveneience store is not surprising.

What's not normal is a revolving door. I suspect your husband may have been misinformed or made it up to manipulate you to rescue him.

I don't put much stock in what any addict says about the rehab experience.