sallymay

My husband knows he is an addict, drugs, alchohol, gambling, you name it, he has done it. For the most part and for the last 10 years his only down fall is drinking, a lot. Two nights ago he relapsed with drugs, the last time was a year ago, and it was only once. I am completely heart broken. Today he will wake up kissing my ass. I will not go down this path with someone again and I don't know what to do. We have been together going on nine years and have two beautiful children, 5 and 4 years of age. I don't want to break apart my family. I know he loves me and he treats me like a queen, and is an amazing father. I just don't want this to get out of control. Ultamatums will only make it worse. I am thinking about making him sleep in the camper for the next month. I want to call the ******* that gave it to him and scream and yell, he was the one who gave it to him last time. I want to scream " do you know what this does to my family you ******". But I know that it won't help. The problem is he "my husband" is the one who accepted it and didn't say "NO". I can't talk to my family or friends about this, everyone thinks that we have the best marriage and our problems are trivial. I just need some advice. I want to demand he start going back to meetings, "or else", but I don't know if I have the balls to stand behind it.

suki44883

Hi, Sallymay. Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. You've posted in our forum troubleshooting forum. If you post this in or Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum, you will get comments and ESH (experience, strength and hope) from many people who have been in the exact situation you find yourself in.

Here's a link to our Friends and Family forum...

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Again, welcome to SR!

kiki5711

out of all addictions "gambling" is the one I can NEVER understand and hate the most. I absolutely hate the casinos and all the money they viper from people and people who fall for it.

good luck with your battle.

Seren

Hi SallyMay, Welcome to SR!

You have found a great place filled with lots of people who completely get it!

I'm moving your thread over to one of the Friends and Family forums where I'm sure you will receive tons of support.

Welcome, again.

HG

outtolunch

We codependents usually confuse establishing boundaries for ourselves with attempts to control other people.

A boundary begins with " I will/will not" as in " I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction". A boundary let's go of the outcome. If, as in this example, you are faced with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility for what you control and remove yourself/children from the situation. A boundary is only as good as your will to enforce it.

An attempt to control someone else, usually begins with " you will/ will not" as in "you will go to meetings or else". Attempts to control other people backfire.

Leaving children with someone in active addiction may be convenient but it is not sound parenting. The children's welfare must come first.

Windblown

Al anon.

Freedom1990

Hi SallyMay and welcome to SR!

I would highly encourage you to look up local Alanon meetings in your area and start attending on a regular basis for face-to-face support among those who understand. Alanon saved my life, and I use the principles of Alanon on a daily basis.

See if you can get your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can get cheap used copies on amazon.com. The book was a real eye-opener for me.

Read all the "sticky" topics at the top of this forum to educate yourself further on alcoholism. There are also sticky topics in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum on addiction.

Stick around and post as much as you need to. Please know that you are among friends.

Sending hugs of support!

hello-kitty

Whoever said Alanon said it right.

You can't make him change or stop using drugs or alcohol. Most likely it will get worse before it gets better.

But you can take care of yourself and your kids. Alanon is a great place for you to work the recovery you wish he would work.

Also, a book "CoDependent No More" by Melanie Beattie may also provide you with extremely useful information that will help you keep your sanity and not enable his addictions.

wellnowwhat

yes, Alanon. It's where you don't have to keep the facade of "perfect marriage". They know, they've been there. They don't judge. They listen. You can go there and be you. And you decide how much or little you want to participate. You don't have to speak if you don't want to. The serenity on those who have a solid program will give you hope.

They say go to 6 meetings and a couple of different groups before you decide. I could have easily quit after my first three meetings, but I am so glad I didn't.

You have a lot on your plate. This is something you do for you, but you, your children and even your AH will all benefit.

Thinking of you and your children.

dollydo

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, lots of needed information there.

Bounderies are put in place to protect you and your children. No child should be raised in
a home of an active user. Children hear and see everything, they also internalize their
fears. Children suffer in silence.

Their childhood will follow them throughout their entire adult life, children of addicts will inherit the predisopostion to addiction and suffer from depression, anxiety,negative self image plus 50% of them marry addicts.

Do not set a boundery unless you really intend to enforce it, otherwise, it is just an idle
threat that will just ramp up the addicts bad behavior.

My only concern is for the children, they need a responsible parent, sounds like it has to be you, are you ready to accept the responsibility? Only you know the answer to that question.

LifeRecovery

I just want to say Welcome and that I agree with all of the above posts.

Al-anon has really helped me.

I also want to thank OutToLunch because reading her posts on boundaries have really helped me clarify and solidify what boundaries are. Others have had great insight too, but reading this one in this thread I realized I have learned to set them.