YearForMe

yea....umm.....2 nights in a row....something is definitely wrong.

This would be a deal breaker for me, in a big way.

melon1989

He also sent an email to my aunt thanking her for her support and that he will try to be the best husband he can be for me. This is really insane. I need a trip to Jamaica.

Freedom1990

I agree. This goes beyond addiction issues.

YearForMe

So he has.... in essence, moved out.

melon1989

Essentially, all his stuff is here but he's not. The drug counselor I spoke with today says he needs to be in a long term residential facility. This is not safe for him.

outtolunch

What he needs and is willing to do are clearly two different things.

Being rescued seems to be a pattern with him.

I would be inclined to donate or trash his stuff and get my house in order.

Then make plans for the islands if I could afford to do so without going into debt.

suki44883

I'd be inclined to tell him to just go on ahead and move in with his new boyfriend because I'm not willing to play second fiddle anymore.

dollydo

I agree with Suki, turn his life, his decisions over to him. No reason to give him a month, he is already gone, and, has been for a long time. Let him go, why are you trying so so hard to hold on when there is nothing there?

I am very confused by this entire relationship, what is your payoff?

hello-kitty

Please worry more about what's safe for you, not what's safe for him. He is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions, no matter how bizarre they are.

And you are a grown woman... capable of making your own decisions too.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you don't have to put up with his behavior in your marriage. You can't change him but you can change your situation.

Is this what you want out of life? How long have you been putting up with this nonsense? You deserve better. Whether he's on drugs or not.

What are you left with when you take the drugs away from an a$$hole? An a$$hole.

melon1989

I thought since we were like kin, he would be able to do what I did. "Then came the time to completely rip through myself, resurrect the person in me I kept on fighting for but never really let out. The convulsing the crying the vomiting the emotional pain that shuddered through me as I remembered every wound and traced it over with love and care and then moved beyond it into a place where I could feel myself breathe. In those moments, death seemed easier but somehow I kept going and now I stand radiant in myself. There is no denying my beauty, that brightness, the calm inside me that now never ever falters and takes any punch with grace and self love." It was horrifying and very hard but I had to make my way and the rewards are endless. After going through those initial stages of just getting to the core of what I was about and trying to heal myself, I was in the woods and felt light and love and heaven all at once. From that moment on, I wanted nothing else and I knew that I had to push through myself and keep working with me in order to maintain that.

I believe if he can hold onto that feeling like what I experienced in the woods and truly know it then it will guide him the way it guided me through all the treacherous roads inside of myself to higher and higher levels of existence.

I am prepared to suffer the loss. In fact, I think I had to see this because before I did not see it at all. I think I need to go take out that novel "Of Human Bondage" out of the library to remind myself of the difference between a healthy working spiritual connection and human bondage.

dollydo

Wow, that's a deep analogy. I hope that this all works out for the two of you.

melon1989

This is just really hard. I understand where I stand but it is hard to keep that balance. His character defect, holding people hostage or being held hostage instead of having a real healthy relationship, is what is going on now. This is a real lesson for me in just allowing him to do that he chooses but not to get angry and just end the relationship entirely until I see a clear choice being made that he wants to stay with creepy forever. From the emails and actions, it would seem he is slowly leaving that situation as long as he feels emotionally comfortable, but I am prepared for all possible scenarios. He is still honoring our marriage, connection, even if it very meek and limited. I hope he can find the strength to get through this, if not, well, I KNOW I HAVE THE STRENGTH to move on.

YearForMe

I think this is creating a quiet drama.

Little by little he gets more and more of his things. Little by little he slips out and away.

If things don't work out with Sugar Daddy....he slips right back in with you.

Your choices: to accept it....or make the decision to end it. not an ultimatum, a decision.

Either way nothing really changes for him.

Is this ok for you?

Either way....I know it's difficult.

dollydo

Let me get this straight. You will take him back again, although you believe that he is
sleeping with another man? So, if he says "I will let Mr. Sugar Daddy go" you will be ok
with his behavior and in your mind he is still honoring your marriage?

I must admit that I do not follow your logic, however, it is your life, not mine.

YearForMe

Just me...but all of his behavior would be a major deal breaker for me.
I realize you are trying to maintain calm and cool and work your Alanon steps.

Just because they stop doing drugs doesn't mean all of the other behavior is ok. Sometimes they have to go and sort that out somewhere else for awhile.

My therapist told me that in all relationships people are either working to get in, or get out.

You just have to figure out which

cece1960

You are asking him to hold onto a feeling that you experienced? I'm not sure that's possible Melon, regardless of how much we want it to be.

melon1989

I am sorry if I misworded it. In my recovery, I had this sort of immense spiritual awakening that drove me onward through the difficulties of life in a way I could have never imagined. Let go and let God (in all his variations) became the bedrock for my recovery. Right now, my husband seems driven by material things and being kept busy through movies, amusement parks, hiking, video games, etc. I hope he can reach that point even admist the external things where he can be with himself and be self-driven.

YearForMe

Honestly.....I don't see that happening.

I think you are at the "let go....or be dragged" part of the equation.

Justlizzyd

I've been following this thread. I can understand male bonding and having a good relationship with a sponsor but this is very strange and not normal. This goes beyond both. I hope things get better for you Melon!

kiki5711

I am really curious if the rest of the group in this AA club knows about this and has this "sponsor" done that before? Is he there just on a hunt for "recoverees" who don't know this is really NOT appropriate.

I would be really resentful towards this sponsor and probably do something I'd regret later.