parentneedshelp

ok as I sit here writing this all I can keep thinking is how stupid can I be.... First time ever that my AD wanted to get help and here I went and was trying to help her as much as possible making phone calls with her, leaving work to take her to this treatment center or court just to find out it was all BS... I have read so many things on here and should of learned or at least paid attention to them. I thought I was but no I was not... My AD went to live with my mom when she got out of jail last month. she walked from the jail to her house about 10 miles I have to say I was impressed by that, last time she got out of jail she was gone and didnt hear from her in over a week. I thought wow she must really want to change... Told me she knew how bad of an addict she was, she was doing 30mg 4 at a time 10 times a day of oxycodone. now weither that is true or not seems like that dose would Kill someone but I know it was not 4 a day thats for sure.... told me all the things that I wanted to hear she wanted to do the right thing to get her daughter back blah blah blah.. and what do I do fall for hook line and sinker... I was allowing her to come over everynight to see her daughter figured she is choosing to hang out with family instead of her drug friends making small steps but I was so proud... then yesterday came... she got the rest of her money from her settlement, first thing she does is go to the mall to buy her bf clothes so he can go on job interviews since he just got moved back to our county in a re entry prison program.. of course he needs nice clothes to go look for a job now my major problem with that is 1. she expressed that she is not focusing on any men (has a husband in corrections and boyfriend in corrections) that she needs to focus on her getting better so she can get her daughter back, but yet the minute she gets money the first and I mean the very first thing she does is go out to buy this low life clothes when she owes my aunt 400.00 for watching HER daughter for the past month, let alone she didnt even buy her daughter a damn thing when she went shopping... I dont understand why I cannot get it through my head that my AD is not different than all of the others out there... denial yes I know hind sight is 20/20.... I just feel mostly upset at myself for allowing myself right back into this situation. allowing my granddaughter yet again get hurt that is what hurts me the most.. my daughter failing I honstly expected that to happen in the back of my mind but something blocked that emotion and everything I wanted to do right went right out the window.. The main reason though i am upset is she had someone in MY mom's house and they stole a check and cashed it. That's my mother and I cannot forgive that... I told my mom she needed to press charges against the person who cashed it she said that if she does that my AD will violate probation cause the lady who cashed it is a convicted felon which she is not allowed to hang out with.. I said OH WELL... she knew that... I just hope that this time I stick to my guns and move forward. anyone with any suggestions please please let me know...

Justlizzyd

I have never had to experience being a mother of an addicted child. It is natural we want to believe the best in our kids. My sister is going through the samething you are going through so I can relate on a small scale. Don't have any suggestions but don't beat yourself up.

Chino

Are you involved with a recovery program or therapy? A saying I read here always sticks with me:

"Work the program you wish they would."

Ann

Oh, Parent, you are me not so long ago. I remember the devastating disappointment each time I thought my son was finally "getting it". I remember the heart thuds and sick stomach when he stole from family or friends, and I remember the dark cloud that hung over me as I got sadder and more afraid every day. That darkness was a scary place to be and I had a very difficult time finding my way out again. Please don't let the darkness set over you too.

What literally saved my life was my meetings, CoDA was my home group but I also attended Al-anon and both of these programs helped me find my balance again and they taught me how to live a better life. I had a wonderful sponsor who helped me work through 12-steps which I have used in all areas of my life. Sometimes I wish everyone could work those steps, we'd all be healthier if we did.

Today my son is still lost somewhere in his addiction. I can no longer live in his dark world, so each morning I say a prayer and give his care to God, then I go about my day living it well, finding the beauty of each sunrise and today I am once again living in light.

If you don't already go, maybe you can find some meetings near you and give them a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Just for today do something nice for yourself, and let the sadness and disappointment go, neither one will do you any good.

Hugs from one mama to another.

HurtingDad

Hugs from a Poppa to a Momma. Ann wrote it way better than I could - bottom line- get to your own program. Start realizing, as much as you want to, you can't cure it. It's not easy to distance yourself, but you need your own healthy life. We all know how you feel.

dollydo

I am sorry, however, it might be time to face the reality of the situation. If it were me, I'd file a police report, this action just might let her hit bottom. We never know, however, for every bad action there is a bad reaction. Enabling her is not the answer, if you don't take a stand, this will get worse.

December2011

ParentsNeedHelp,

I feel your pain, this is a familiar story, and you ARE NOT STUPID!
My son blew through a settlement of 6, 500 in 2 weeks, and stole my bank card and over drafted my account a few months back. MY AS has stolen from family members as well
We always want to give them a chance
You are a loving person, and your feelings are natural.
I am sorry I do not have any great advice, I am just starting in a 12 step program to help myself realize that I have no control over my AS actions.

My heart goes out to you, sincerely

ravensong

I kind of understand because of what I've been thru with my daughter . I also allowed a drug addict to sweet talk me until he moved in ... I learned the hard way you've got to stick by your choices even if they turn out to be very very heart breaking ... I hope things get better .My daughter even took my pain meds while I was in the hospital which ended up in my not being allowed the meds I need for fibromyalgia for over a year . I can't promise she'll figure it out but you are one very strong wise lady .

mooselips

Goodness sake, we parents have probably all been where you are right now.

We truly WANT to believe, nothing wrong with that.

We are always full of hope, nothing wrong with that, either.

BUT, we need to remember, that no one, and no amount of loving, helping, pleading, begging is going to fix our children. They have to do it theirselves. But you already know that...


AND while they are chewing that over, we need to seek out recovery for us, to make us the best we can be, and to help us to stop harming our addicts by enabling them.

AlAnon!!! Great people, wonderful support system.

seek

I have no advice - just want to reach out and say I think it is natural for a mother to have hope . . . the tricky part is not allowing yourself to go into denial. I still do not have the hang of it but I pray that I will find a way and I pray you will too. God Bless you and your granddaughter and your family.

Kindeyes

I understand.

gentle hugs to you from another parent
ke

Dustygirl01

My boyfriend's daughter had him jumping through hoops over the mere glimmer of "hope". He was manic...absolutely manic...to help her in every way possible. She lied to him over and over, then it would be a dramatic, tear-filled plea that THIS TIME she was REALLY serious about changing...and that THIS time she was finally getting it. Then, she turned around and bit him once again, stealing a bunch of checks from his checkbook, forging them, and cashing them...all while living under his roof.

The bank reimbursed the money she took out of his account, and by doing so, they are now going after her through the court system for restitution. She is facing criminal charges. She'll get out of it, no doubt...she always does. She was caught dealing drugs in the past and got out of that as well.

Has your mother been reimbursed by the bank or hasn't she even reported it? You can't force her to do anything...in the end, it's her decision and she must do what she can live with...but...your daughter WILL bite her again. This has just set the bar higher for next time. She needs to realize that she is not helping her grand-daughter at all...she's hurting her.