Wishing
 

Right now I wished there was a magic pill to take that would correct my codependency. I know there is no easy fix. I guess that is why folks sometimes become addicted to drugs looking for an easy fix to reality. I am in a lot of pain and I am tired of digging into my past trying to figure out why I am the way I am today. I think it is time to move on from that. I guess I need just read some positive inspirational literature to give my mind a break. Right now, I just feel like I want to run away well maybe drive away because I am not big on running. I could walk away if I don't have to walk too far but driving would be the best except the price of gasoline is so high, I would not get very far. I guess the best thing for me to do is keep on trucking on this new path and maybe catch a meeting tonight. It would be the least expensive and take less effort and might even do me some good!

I am laughing at this statement right now and not at you but at myself.

I had done all 'that digging', so I thought, in my first 3 years in AA in recovery. Then on my 3rd sober Anniversary, to the day, my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY and get an Alanon Sponsor in addition to her. Sheesh

Still not being real 'self assured' and wanting her approval I did. I got an Alanon sponsor, a gal that was also sober many years in AA and turns out was a friend of my AA sponsor.

So here I was attending Alanon, GETTING A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE ON THE 12 STEPS, and was required to do them ALL again, especially Step 4 and 5, holy hannah.

Well thanks to AA and Alanon, I have gotten into the routine of doing a THOROUGH Step 4 and 5 every 5 years and just finished up my sixth 4th and 5th this past June.

"More will be revealed."

I have to be honest here, that until I 'peeled away the layers of the onion' to get down to the core and figure out where all this came from, both the addiction and the codependency, the only one I was hurting from progressing was myself.

So, take a break, but please 'keep digging'. It is amazing at what we can and do find out about ourselves.

I was YEARS into recovery before I actually realized and accepted that the family I grew up in was a TOTAL DYSFUNCTIONAL DISASTER.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Read your post again.....

you talked yourself right into the healthiest option.....good job!

Oh, it's only a break I have gotten a lot of good out of it. I'm just emotionally tired, been crying a lot, just need to laugh a little.

You need to laugh? That's great! You recognize a need! Now what are you going to do about it? A movie? A good friend? A little kid? Music? Nature? A puppy? Those are some things that bring me joy. How about you?

What do you do to make yourself happy? You use to know what that was......find it again! Remembering what makes us laugh is so important!

We all have our bad days when laughter just isn't an option. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you and that you find a wee bit of joy;-)

gentle hugs
ke

I love the onion analogy that Laurie mentioned but I changed my vegetable a little bit.

I am an artichoke. Each layer that I pull off gets me closer to my heart and to me.

This is a way for me to gently remember when I continue to struggle with something I thought I was done with that it is just another layer.

I also want to say that I have had to learn that I don't need to be digging 24/7 to be doing the work I need to be doing. It is okay to turn the brain/body off for a bit and read fluff, watch TV, etc. That does not mean that you are not doing the work. It took me a long time to realize that.

I do not have any friends and that is the God's honest truth, when it dawned on me that I have lived in this area for over 4 years and do not have one single friend in this area, I realized I had a problem. That's when I decided I needed to find out what is wrong with me so I can live again.

I like the artichoke analogy....

Interesting because there is some good stuff on the leaves that you scrape off and savor before you throw the leaf away

....and when you get to the heart, you remove all of the prickly "choke" away that protects it.

My therapist helped me to see that analogy with the artichoke and it has been really helpful to me over the years. Do you know when they flower they have a heart shape in them too?

I know there are state birds, flowers etc, well to me the artichoke is my Recovery Vegetable.