I just don't understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
I just don't understand
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have two children together. My boyfriend is a heroine addict. I am not sure if he is currently using. But I know he is still abusing other substances. Recently he took a trip out of state to his sister's and starting talking to people on the internet. All of the sudden he does not want anything to do with me or the kids. And he tells me he is coming back early, moving 45 minutes away, with some woman I have never even heard of!!! Two days prior to him leaving he was begging me to be with him and telling me he would do anything to have our family back. Now he is moving in with another woman?(who i believe is either an addict or recovered addict) I just don't understand what is going on in his head. If anyone can help and shed some light on the situation I would appreciate it!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....although I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you here.
You don't understand because it doesn't make sense. Much of what an addict does doesn't make sense and we'll make ourselves crazy trying to figure it out. Even if we understood what makes an addict do what they do......what would we do with that information?
It has been much more productive for me to try to make sense of myself--because that is something I can control. Why have I put up with being lied to, manipulated, stolen from, yelled at, and allowed myself to feel guilty for things I didn't do or say, etc. I spent waaaaay too much time trying to figure out WHY the addict is DOING those things instead of WHY I'm putting up with it!
I hope you stick around and begin to explore yourself. There are so many people here on SR who have so much experience, strength and hope to share with you.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
You don't understand because it doesn't make sense. Much of what an addict does doesn't make sense and we'll make ourselves crazy trying to figure it out. Even if we understood what makes an addict do what they do......what would we do with that information?
It has been much more productive for me to try to make sense of myself--because that is something I can control. Why have I put up with being lied to, manipulated, stolen from, yelled at, and allowed myself to feel guilty for things I didn't do or say, etc. I spent waaaaay too much time trying to figure out WHY the addict is DOING those things instead of WHY I'm putting up with it!
I hope you stick around and begin to explore yourself. There are so many people here on SR who have so much experience, strength and hope to share with you.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
His brain is hijacked and he's going where he can freely do whatever he wants. He's protecting his addiction at all costs, including the cost of his family.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by Chino 
His brain is hijacked and he's going where he can freely do whatever he wants. He's protecting his addiction at all costs, including the cost of his family.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
Thanks.
A
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Over the past 8 months he has been in and out of multiple rehabs. He has tried meetings and was doing well, until he stopped going to the meetings. I am attended alanon meetings and they do help. I have periods when I am really strong, then others when I am not. Truly letting go at this point, has been extremely difficult for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
His brain is hijacked and he's going where he can freely do whatever he wants. He's protecting his addiction at all costs, including the cost of his family.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
Please do the same for yourself and your children: protect yourselves at all costs. Every minute you spend wondering "why" is a minute you've taken away from being proactive about your circumstances. There are legalities that need to be taken care of ASAP.
Please consider attending Alanon, Naranon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery -- any 12 step/recovery program you can find. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There's a 12 step forum for us here, too. Learn how to let go of him and his addiction and take back your life. Your children are depending on you to do that, their lives and future are at stake as is yours.
Things need to get really bad for an addict to quit. It's called hitting bottom and we can not know when or if that will ever happen. So protect your kids. Protect yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by familydestroyed
Chino where is the 12 step forum on this website?
Friends and Family Step Study
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: KY
Posts: 62
There is no way for us to understand why the addicts in our lives do the things they do or the decisions they make....we can't understand becasue it donesnt make sense to any normal person BUT in the addict's mind "its obviously the best and most reasonable solution at the time"! Addicts normally can rationalize everything out in their head but then when the action/ decision is told to a "normal" person its obviously irratic and stupid of them honestly!
Just try to focus on yourself, which I know will be hard bc you've worried ab him for so long, its YOUR turn!
Sending prayers your way!
Just try to focus on yourself, which I know will be hard bc you've worried ab him for so long, its YOUR turn!
Sending prayers your way!
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