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i need advice on my bf

Old 09-26-2011, 07:53 PM
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i need advice on my bf

I need to know how to tell if he is finally serious about getting and staying clean I have been getting redflags lately but don't know if its my paranoia of over 5 years being abandon so many times for drugs. He has been in jail for a few months about to get out n swears he is done says he will go to na and counseling is changing job fields due to so many adicts in the construction industry say he's done w the bad influences (his relatives who are adicts) and finally admitted 2 snorting pills somthing he's always denied but at same time whenever I talk about it he flips out trys to change subject to MY ISSUES says his drug stuff is in the past like he thinks he can ignore it like he's tried many times before n how he's sick of me bringing it up . To me that shows denial he also doesn't believe it is a DISEASE he says its a CHOICE. A BAD CHOICE TO ESCAPE SOMETHING PAINFUL AND UNCOMFORTABLE....I DON'T AGREE I HAVE TAKEN HIM BACK SO MANY TIMES N I'M REALY SICK OF THESE GAMES I DO NOT KNOW IF I SHOULD TRY AGAIN I NEED HIS HELP W STUFF AROUNDHOUSE N POSSIBLY MONEYWISE HE'S ALL I HAVE HERE..AND I DO LOVE HIM I THOUGHT MAYBE SINCE HE'S NOT GOTTEN ANY real help yet maybe that is why he is still so defensive about talking about it??help me please he's also been saying he wats to marry me asap he's too old for this etc he's almost 41 ...he says he willgo to na and counseling whn he gets out but he was court ordered last may n he only went 4 times when he was supposed 2 of gone a lot more but I did sabatoge it bcause I have extreme jealouy issues n there was chics at meetings dressed like hookersso he was hesitantto go again plus he had no car or license n I worked a lot but idk what to do but tonight when I mntioned something that was meant to be positive he flipped out n turned eevrything on me. He says he knows he needs help but I'm trying to control him by telling him what to do. Also we r getting involved in church I already am but he wants 2 also as he knows u can't stay friends w adicts
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Old 09-26-2011, 09:18 PM
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Oh yes I'm sorry I left that out he has many times since in jail toldme how sorry h is and how much he appreciates me n all I've done for him n how he doesn't deserve me etc but that's why he was going to the na and other groups more n speaking w the pastor more but no he's a trustee working 12 hours a day so he seems 2 b going back 2 old behaviors more often so I just don't know what to do I'm not wasting another year alone I want to be maried and have a baby before I'm way to old. I just don't know ..he has nowhere to go noone else but me and his daughter n his pastor told him he needs some suport of loved one and guidance I seriously am all he has.I don't wan to end it if he really is serious this time .idk this sucks though
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Old 09-27-2011, 06:16 AM
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We can only speak from our own experiences and many of us have some pretty bad experiences with addicted exhusbands so please......don't expect that anyone is going to say "stay with him". That is not a realistic expectation.

But hopefully, none of us will say "leave him" either. That's ultimately your decision. And when we vote or give advice, we take partial ownership in your decision--and personally, I can barely take responsibility for my own decisions (particularly when time proves me wrong) much less take responsibility for someone elses. lol

Our experiences are stored in our piggybank and they add up to something--but only time will tell what that might be.

I was married to an addict many years ago. I was a casual user with him. When I grew up and stopped smoking pot and binge drinking, he didn't. We had a child. Then we divorced. The child grew up in a nice home with a mother and stepfather who were less than kind to biofather. Child witnessed the animosity between both of his biological parents. Addicted exhusband was "cool" and smoked pot and did other drugs with said child. Adult child is now a meth addict and occasional heroin user.

That's my story in one paragraph. I hope and pray it will not be your story. Think long and hard before marrying an addict and having children with them. There are far more horror stories than "happliy ever after" stories when addiction is involved. And the "happily ever after" people probably aren't here in the F&F of SR. They are living in their today.......one day at a time.

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ke
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:52 AM
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he has nowhere to go noone else but me and his daughter n his pastor told him he needs some suport of loved one and guidance I seriously am all he has.
Sorry but I have to say BULL.

If he is really serious he will find a Sober Living House where he can be in a 'semi' protected environment with others learning to live by SOCIETY'S RULES. And how to do it SOBER and CLEAN.

He will have chores, he will have meetings, he will be REQUIRED to get a sponsor, he will be REQUIRED to be INVOLVED in all things in the house.

He needs to be working and living with sober and clean folks ALSO practicing a program of recovery.

Sorry but family's and loved ones have a tendency to enable.

he has many times since in jail toldme how sorry h is and how much he appreciates me n all I've done for him n how he doesn't deserve me
"Jail Remorse" and "Addict Quacking."

Step back, give him his space (preferably for at least a year) and WATCH his ACTIONS, not listen to his words. His ACTIONS will show his true commitment and willingness to try and change.

J M H O from my own personal experience with over 30 years of continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs, and over 27 years working on my own co dependent issues.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:55 AM
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SFemme 24......

Let me propose a different way of looking at this.......

Let's say bf is "jailhouse talkin"......

What would it hurt if you keep the distance you have now? Actually, maybe even a
little bit more distance when he gets out.....

Make him move mountains to prove to you. Yes.....he should.

Women have set the bar so low for what they will accept.

And the other huge RED FLAG.....why is he talking about all of the things HE wants when he gets out?

Sorry....but, my opinion is....he's setting you up for a huge fall.

Where has he EVER demonstrated that this is something he can do?

Why not give him the opportunity to do that FIRST (statement...not question)
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:58 AM
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It appears we were posting at the same time.

LOL
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:37 PM
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Frst of all he HAS NOWHERE T GO I told u I am the only good influence he has he doesn't have insurance or money to go to a rehab or sober living never even heard of that around here...and no way am I willing to wait another year he was in jil in march and said similar things but not as stable and consistent which is why I feel he mightbe serious this time plus he is goin 2 do na meetngs ON his own and counseling also a domestic violence class without being court ordered to do so. Is there a difference between a drug Abuser and adrug addict? Because my counselor who has worked w him thinks his drg use is just a symptom of his personality disorder borderline personality and thinks w counseling and na and a job he can be ok plus to stay away from the enablers who encouraged him for years to be a bum and sit around n get high...
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:13 PM
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Frst of all he HAS NOWHERE T GO
I and many other A's 'had no where to go and no one when we found recovery. I went into a Sober Living Home when they were few and far between. Had to get a job within the 1st two weeks of being there, even if it was 'flippin hamburgers'. You see I had lived on the streets for my last 1 1/2 years of my drinking and using.

These are CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS. I don't know why, well yes I do, but won't go there, when an A in early recovery has to OVERCOME their own CONSEQUENCES without the help of loved ones, and they really want recovery, it makes their recovery MORE IMPORTANT TO THEM.

he has he doesn't have insurance or money to go to a rehab or sober living never even heard of that around here
He doesn't need insurance, usually just needs the first week's rent. There are LOTS in Florida, he doesn't have to be right where you are:

Google

and no way am I willing to wait another year
Well then you have answered your own question. This is HIS recovery. You cannot HELP him. You can ENABLE him. This is something he NEEDS TO DO FOR HIM BY HIM.

I would suggest you get yourself a copy of the book Co Dependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.

Is there a difference between drug Abuser and adrug addict?
Nope, it progresses, never gets better unless TOTAL ABSTINENCE IS OBTAINED AND MAINTAINED. Then there is a LOT of personal work the A has to do on themselves to change their ways, attitudes, actions, reactions, and clear up the wreckage of their pasts.

Again, J M H O, however I have worked with and sponsored many over the years so am coming from those experiences.

Please read this thread and answer the questions honestly. They might just be an eye opener for you, as they were for me many years ago.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-yes-no.html

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:18 PM
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I also forgot to mention he was a great help I have repetetive pain and cannot do anything besides work my job I hate so yeah m place is a mess without him just a lot of things n I am so confused
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:29 PM
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Yes I USED TO BE codependen as wellas enabled on occassion but haven't been that way in a vry long time which is why he is in jail because I refused 2 get him out of a mess HE got into I could have easily prevented him from being in jail but I didn't
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Old 09-27-2011, 09:09 PM
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SFEMME24,

I'm not comfortable voting for whether or not I believe you should give your boyfriend another chance or not, because it's not my choice to make - you have to make this choice on your own.

Don't make the right choice for the wrong reasons - whatever decision you make needs to be your decision, not a decision based on what others think you should do. In the end, you have to live with the choices you make.

Although I haven't voted, I do have a few words of wisdom for you. And again, I'm not telling you what to do. Just look at it as the perspective of someone who has no emotional connection to you or your boyfriend, someone who is looking at your situation objectively.

Originally Posted by sfemme24 View Post
I need to know how to tell if he is finally serious about getting and staying clean...
The fact that you are questioning his sincerity about getting and staying clean is an answer in itself. Look at it this way - His WORDS mean nothing & his ACTIONS mean everything. Throw everything he has SAID to you out of the window. Now, look at what he has DONE in order to get clean and stay clean. When you take away his words, do his actions prove to you that he is serious about his recovery this time around? Are his actions enough for you to believe that he is sincere?

Originally Posted by sfemme24 View Post
I NEED HIS HELP W STUFF AROUNDHOUSE N POSSIBLY MONEYWISE HE'S ALL I HAVE HERE..
This part of your post immediately caught my eye because I felt this way for a long time. I was with a cocaine addict for 6 years, and every time I thought I was ready to leave the relationship for good, I ended up backing out of my decision because I was afraid of having no one. How was I supposed to pay the bills on one income? How would I keep up the house when I was stuck at work all day and night?

I didn't want to ask my parents for help because that meant that I would have to tell them why I was leaving him, and I just couldn't hurt them in that way. I had already hurt them enough by staying in a hopeless, miserable relationship for so long, and I wouldn't allow myself to hurt them any more by revealing my that my boyfriend was a drug addict.

I lost so many friends over those 6 years and I felt like I had no one to turn to. HE was all I had, or at least that's what I convinced myself into believing. And boy was I wrong. I finally realized that I didn't have him at all - I had a verbally abusive, controlling addict who stole from me and spend my hard earned money on drugs. I had a thief and a liar living in my home.

One day, I finally had enough. I didn't care if I had no one to help me - I would have much rather been homeless than living with him. I was no longer afraid that I wouldn't be able to pay the bills or keep up my home without him because NONE OF THOSE THINGS MATTERED ANYMORE. All that mattered to me was getting this man out of my life, and I didn't care what I had to sacrifice in order to achieve this.

My whole point here is that it seems that part of the reason you are hanging onto this relationship is because you are afraid that you won't be able to survive without his help. In order to make the right decision, you have to forget about the bills, the home, and anything else that have monetary significance. You have to look at the RELATIONSHIP for what it is and look at HIM for what he is, and forget all the rest.

Hope this helped you in some way. Hang in there and take care of YOU!
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:50 AM
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U got ur facts wron there is NO FREE DENTAL OR MEDICAL WE'VE LOOKED FOR YEARS SINCE HE AND I HAVE HAD TOOTH INFECTIONS THERE R NO HELTOERSHERE TIEHR MAYE IN FT MYERS BUT THAS NOT A REALISTIC OPTION WE LOVE ACH OTHER N HE'S WILLING 2 HELP ME HE SAYS I NEED 2 LET HIM SHO ME N TO SAY F U U CAN GO LIVE IN A HOMELES SHELTER LOLYEAH RIGHT HE'D B BCK ON DRUGS IN NAPLES BEFORE HE WOULD DO THAT
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:54 AM
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As far as medical wrong again whenever we get sick we have. Go to emergency room this placesucks sory fo typinh I'm using my cell phone n my hands n keyboard don't work goood
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by artist83 View Post
SFEMME24,

I'm not comfortable voting for whether or not I believe you should give your boyfriend another chance or not, because it's not my choice to make - you have to make this choice on your own.

Don't make the right choice for the wrong reasons - whatever decision you make needs to be your decision, not a decision based on what others think you should do. In the end, you have to live with the choices you make.

Although I haven't voted, I do have a few words of wisdom for you. And again, I'm not telling you what to do. Just look at it as the perspective of someone who has no emotional connection to you or your boyfriend, someone who is looking at your situation objectively.



The fact that you are questioning his sincerity about getting and staying clean is an answer in itself. Look at it this way - His WORDS mean nothing & his ACTIONS mean everything. Throw everything he has SAID to you out of the window. Now, look at what he has DONE in order to get clean and stay clean. When you take away his words, do his actions prove to you that he is serious about his recovery this time around? Are his actions enough for you to believe that he is sincere?



This part of your post immediately caught my eye because I felt this way for a long time. I was with a cocaine addict for 6 years, and every time I thought I was ready to leave the relationship for good, I ended up backing out of my decision because I was afraid of having no one. How was I supposed to pay the bills on one income? How would I keep up the house when I was stuck at work all day and night?

I didn't want to ask my parents for help because that meant that I would have to tell them why I was leaving him, and I just couldn't hurt them in that way. I had already hurt them enough by staying in a hopeless, miserable relationship for so long, and I wouldn't allow myself to hurt them any more by revealing my that my boyfriend was a drug addict.

I lost so many friends over those 6 years and I felt like I had no one to turn to. HE was all I had, or at least that's what I convinced myself into believing. And boy was I wrong. I finally realized that I didn't have him at all - I had a verbally abusive, controlling addict who stole from me and spend my hard earned money on drugs. I had a thief and a liar living in my home.

One day, I finally had enough. I didn't care if I had no one to help me - I would have much rather been homeless than living with him. I was no longer afraid that I wouldn't be able to pay the bills or keep up my home without him because NONE OF THOSE THINGS MATTERED ANYMORE. All that mattered to me was getting this man out of my life, and I didn't care what I had to sacrifice in order to achieve this.

My whole point here is that it seems that part of the reason you are hanging onto this relationship is because you are afraid that you won't be able to survive without his help. In order to make the right decision, you have to forget about the bills, the home, and anything else that have monetary significance. You have to look at the RELATIONSHIP for what it is and look at HIM for what he is, and forget all the rest.

Hope this helped you in some way. Hang in there and take care of YOU!
OMG! I completely relate. I think I just woke up last night. I have a cheat, a liar, a thief not a man who is suppose to be my support, my partner in life.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by familydestroyed View Post
OMG! I completely relate. I think I just woke up last night. I have a cheat, a liar, a thief not a man who is suppose to be my support, my partner in life.
Familydestroyed,

I believe that fear is a major factor in why we have remained in these types of relationships. Yes, we also stay because we are compelled to help, change, and save others - we feel responsible for their lives - but our fear of not being able to survive without them controls us more than anything else. At least that is the reason that I remained in the relationship for so long. For a long time, my fear of being alone and surviving on my own was greater than my desire to be happy, and I am still angry with myself because I allowed that fear to control my life.

But now I look back at the day that my EXAB kicked my door in and threw me across the room, and I am thankful that he did it. Not until that point did my fear of him become greater than my fear of being alone. If that hadn't happened, I may still be in a relationship with that horrible, narcissistic excuse for a man.

I would never wish this upon anyone else - no one deserves to experience the type of fear that I felt that day. All I can do is hope and pray that many of the individuals who are in similar situations will not allow the fear of being alone and surviving on their own to overcome their desire for a secure, happy life.

Glad you are seeing the reality of your situation before that fear overpowers you.

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." ~German Proverb~
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:44 AM
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sfemme,

I can totally relate to the internal battle your going through, I have been there too (probably still am there). But if your gut is telling you that he may not be truthful with you, you are probably right. Every time I suspected my addict bf of using, he was. Everytime I thought he was lying to me, he was. Our relationship has been filled with empty promises of rehabs, NA meetings, outpatient treatments and sober houses. I read an article not too long ago that said, if an addict puts terms and conditions on their recovery, they have not hit rock bottom and are not ready to recover. Unfortunately, addicts use us (their loved ones) as a tool to get what they want or need. Follow your gut feelings and listen to your head not your heart.
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Old 09-29-2011, 06:01 AM
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Hi, I've not been around for a while. I was in a similar position to you. My bf of 18 years (who I also have 2 children with) made me so many promises and I felt that I had to let him stay for the sake of my children, to help with childcare, because of what might happen to him if I threw him out (we live in Spain and all family in UK) however, he continued to lie, steal, have terrifying mood swngs, do nothing in the house, I kept finding stashes ontop of wardrobes, rolled up in socks, on top of kitchen cupboards etc... In the end I decided that what my children was seeing was damaging, I felt as if I was going mad and he was also risking our home as he stole the money to pay bills and mortgage that I was working so hard for in a job I also hated (sometimes it was difficult to buy food for the kids) so, I told him to leave. First he tried for sympathy (where shall I go? What shall I do?). Not my problem, you chose this life. Then he got nasty and threatened to throw petrol bombs through the window while the kids were at school and stab me in the back. I had to call the police. He got his Mum to buy him a ticket to the UK and off he went. Yes, I still have financial difficulty and yes, it's hard with the kids on my own but I have peace of mind and don't have to sleep with my purse & bank cards under my pillow or worry that my iPod will disappear if I put it down.

He seems to have cleaned up his act and has apologised for his behaviour. I will forgive it but not forget, as I know he was not himself but, I can never, ever take him back. He will always be in my life because he is my children's father but some things once broken cannot be fixed. These include my trust & respect (he's not as strong as I thought he was). He is doing some work and trying to send money as often as possible, speaks to the children every day & visits when he can. He knows that we will never get back together but tells me he still wants to and will continue to prove himself but, thanks me for throwing him out as it was what he needed to shake him up. I've told him that he needs to prove himself FOR HIMSELF and his CHILDREN and not for me.

It sounds like you are looking for approval of your decision but, you can only give that to yourself as you have to live with him if he comes back to you. In my opinion, they have to hit rock bottom before coming back up and once you add a child into the equation you'll be even more confused than you are now. If he does go back to using then even having a child will not stop him putting himself first. Being with someone for financial reasons or because they have nowhere to go are not strong enough reasons for a relationship IMO, and for me, when my trust has been betrayed to the point that every word out of his mouth was a lie, then there is no more relationship.

You need to make this decision on your own as you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. Maybe you should write a pros & cons list as 'I love him' isn't really a good enough reason. I still love my ex but, one of us would have ended up dead and our kids screwed up if I had allowed him to stay. Sometimes you have to look further than love.

I hope everything turns out well for you xx
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