Moving out - so AH is guilt-tripping me...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
Moving out - so AH is guilt-tripping me...
A little over a week ago I asked my AH to leave, then realized pretty quickly that he would take forever to do it and I couldn't wait any longer. So I decided to move out myself, and today, with the help of amazing friends, I found a new place. A cozy little apartment on the top floor of a small building, with a park nearby. There is also a balcony overlooked by a huge pine tree that feels somehow protective of me...
I am so excited about this place - I can imagine myself happy in it, and finding some peace. I have already started enjoying planning how I will decorate etc. Packing up all my stuff and going through the "who gets what" game will be a challenge - but my amazing friends have offered to help with that too.
The only downside was coming home to my AH tonight. He was very surprised that I had already found somewhere; even more surprised that I agreed to an 11-month lease. I think it finally hit him that this is really happening, and that when I said I wanted to separate I didn't mean I was going away for a couple of weeks. I am trying hard not to take on his sadness and fear and helplessness and disappointment.
But it's hard not to be upset by the way he looks at me - as if I have become the enemy, or at least the traitor.
He told me that I had taught him "marriage is no different than having a girlfriend," because when things got difficult I bailed (the implication being that I am a terrible, faithless wife). He repeated that if I left he would have zero incentive to cut back on drinking, and that things would get much worse. I know this is classic quacking... I know. But it still hurts.
Just a few more days of having to interact with him daily. I am trying to stay calm and neutral and just get on with what needs to be done. But then what? Do I tell him where I'm moving to? Do I say I want no contact for a specific amount of time? Do I check in on how he is doing? Advice, please!
I am so excited about this place - I can imagine myself happy in it, and finding some peace. I have already started enjoying planning how I will decorate etc. Packing up all my stuff and going through the "who gets what" game will be a challenge - but my amazing friends have offered to help with that too.
The only downside was coming home to my AH tonight. He was very surprised that I had already found somewhere; even more surprised that I agreed to an 11-month lease. I think it finally hit him that this is really happening, and that when I said I wanted to separate I didn't mean I was going away for a couple of weeks. I am trying hard not to take on his sadness and fear and helplessness and disappointment.
But it's hard not to be upset by the way he looks at me - as if I have become the enemy, or at least the traitor.
He told me that I had taught him "marriage is no different than having a girlfriend," because when things got difficult I bailed (the implication being that I am a terrible, faithless wife). He repeated that if I left he would have zero incentive to cut back on drinking, and that things would get much worse. I know this is classic quacking... I know. But it still hurts.
Just a few more days of having to interact with him daily. I am trying to stay calm and neutral and just get on with what needs to be done. But then what? Do I tell him where I'm moving to? Do I say I want no contact for a specific amount of time? Do I check in on how he is doing? Advice, please!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Despite his "quaking", it may likely be the best thing you have ever done for both of you. You get a new life and he may wake up and see that his needs to change also. The worst case scenario is that you get a new life.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Astolfo 
I am trying to stay calm and neutral and just get on with what needs to be done. But then what? Do I tell him where I'm moving to? Do I say I want no contact for a specific amount of time? Do I check in on how he is doing? Advice, please!
If it were me, I'd say (essentially), "Don't contact me unless you have CHOSEN recovery and are actively working the steps with a sponsor. Until then I will only respond to emails regarding property/financial issues."
Should you check in on him? Hell no. That only gives him an opportunity to quack. The objective of no contact is that the alcoholic has nowhere to look but in the mirror. It may or may not work to inspire his recovery...but it's really the only HOPE in helping it along.
Just my $0.02.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just reading your post here I can feel your relief and joy at finding a safe place of peace for you to live. Embrace that, trust in the future and let the hurt of the past go.
I find that most times when a person leaves a relationship, the room is already empty, all they are doing is closing the door. When we leave someone who is active in their addiction, the room is also empty because we cannot live in our recovery and their addiction at the same time.
Beautiful days await you, a better path lies ahead, trust that and don't let yourself be manipulated by words, because words that have not been backed by action are only words and because they are spoken doesn't make them true.
Hugs
I find that most times when a person leaves a relationship, the room is already empty, all they are doing is closing the door. When we leave someone who is active in their addiction, the room is also empty because we cannot live in our recovery and their addiction at the same time.
Beautiful days await you, a better path lies ahead, trust that and don't let yourself be manipulated by words, because words that have not been backed by action are only words and because they are spoken doesn't make them true.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
Thank you all for your wisdom and support. What you write matches how I feel, and gives me the strength to stay on my new path; in fact I don't think I could have come this far without having this site to turn to. Thank you.
Ann - "most times when a person leaves a relationship, the room is already empty, all they are doing is closing the door.' Yes, exactly.
Ann - "most times when a person leaves a relationship, the room is already empty, all they are doing is closing the door.' Yes, exactly.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Suggestions to help you cope.....
Cut out words, comments, phrases that help you, keep you strong....inspire you.
Whatever they may be.
Stick them on your bathroom mirror and the inside of your front door.
That way you read them when you see your reflection in the mirror.
And a reminder before you walk out the door.
Make a promise to yourself........right now.....to make your new place a place of peace, tranquility and refuge for you.
Only love and people who want what is best for you walk thru that door and into your sanctuary....or even know where it is.
It sounds lovely by the way. And you sound happy when you talk about it.
I will tell you that you need to start thinking of this as being over and done. (if you aren't already).
You can't pin the next 11 months on the "hope" that he gets sober and into recovery.
He's going to do what he's going to do.
If he started going to AA the minute he found out you were serious....then you might have a different situation to deal with.
He chose to be a victim and say that if you leave, he has no incentive.
Cut out words, comments, phrases that help you, keep you strong....inspire you.
Whatever they may be.
Stick them on your bathroom mirror and the inside of your front door.
That way you read them when you see your reflection in the mirror.
And a reminder before you walk out the door.
Make a promise to yourself........right now.....to make your new place a place of peace, tranquility and refuge for you.
Only love and people who want what is best for you walk thru that door and into your sanctuary....or even know where it is.
It sounds lovely by the way. And you sound happy when you talk about it.
I will tell you that you need to start thinking of this as being over and done. (if you aren't already).
You can't pin the next 11 months on the "hope" that he gets sober and into recovery.
He's going to do what he's going to do.
If he started going to AA the minute he found out you were serious....then you might have a different situation to deal with.
He chose to be a victim and say that if you leave, he has no incentive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
Thank you, YearForMe.
I read your comments after another bout with my AH that had left me crying, and they calmed and comforted me. The healthy part of me knows it's over and has already moved away emotionally, spiritually, and soon, physically. The codependent part is still struggling.
I love what you said about making the new place a sanctuary, and I will do what you suggest - my first quotation I found on this site: "“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind " (Dr Seuss).
Thank you.
I read your comments after another bout with my AH that had left me crying, and they calmed and comforted me. The healthy part of me knows it's over and has already moved away emotionally, spiritually, and soon, physically. The codependent part is still struggling.
I love what you said about making the new place a sanctuary, and I will do what you suggest - my first quotation I found on this site: "“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind " (Dr Seuss).
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
They do use words as weapons and they are very good at it but it can only affect us if we let it.
You are taking some very healthy steps for yourself. Remember that he's using those words because he's afraid. He doesn't want things to change. Addiction has a grip on him and he can't control it. And if he can, he will try to get it to control you too. It's just how the disease works.
Keep moving forward and take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
You are taking some very healthy steps for yourself. Remember that he's using those words because he's afraid. He doesn't want things to change. Addiction has a grip on him and he can't control it. And if he can, he will try to get it to control you too. It's just how the disease works.
Keep moving forward and take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You drew a boundary. He crossed it.
Don't feel guilty for being true to yourself. You gave him plenty of chances. He wasn't interested. That was his choice. Now you are protecting yourself and moving forward with your life. He could be changing his life. But instead he's just playing the victim.
That's just what addicts do. It may feel personal but it's not. It's part of the addiction.
Don't feel guilty for being true to yourself. You gave him plenty of chances. He wasn't interested. That was his choice. Now you are protecting yourself and moving forward with your life. He could be changing his life. But instead he's just playing the victim.
That's just what addicts do. It may feel personal but it's not. It's part of the addiction.
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