HELP! Can't take much more...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
HELP! Can't take much more...
First time poster and I need help. I am married to an active addict; he keeps saying he's going to stop but of course he has to have at least 3 - 4 days in order to detox and somehow "I" keep screwing it up. I have a chronic illness which results in severe dehydration when I am under a lot of stress. You can only imagine how his addiction ends up wreaking havoc on my illness.
I wound up in the ER yesterday desperately needing fluids. They gave me what I needed, lots of IV bags and anti-nausea meds, plus pain medication. My husband's detox period was supposed to begin today. Somehow we got into a fight last night (I say somehow because I am not all that lucid while on morphine) and he started telling me as long as I am in his life he will never get clean and that he hates me and wants me gone. It escalated into him saying he wants a divorce, telling me to eff off, giving me the middle finger, and telling me that we are over - on and on. He also made a point of calling me a complete psycho, and the biggest most selfish pig ever and even though he knows I have a hard time sleeping after the hospital, especially alone, he slept in another room. Of course, less than two days ago he told me the only reason he is still alive and hasn't overdosed is because of me and my support and my love. And that I am his angel, his reason for living, that if I die he can't live without me, blah, blah, blah. So I find myself confused, as usual.
I got up this morning, still extremely sick myself, got showered and went to our shared office (we are divorce lawyers - hopefully the irony doesn't escape you). I didn't say a word to him - just left. That alone is a huge victory for me so I am patting myself on the back a little bit. Half of me is sooooo done. We have six kids (from different marriages) and I just want them to be ok and not have to see any of this. None of them were home last night thank God. But of course that other half of me is falling apart, wanting him to call me, worried about him, etc.
The logical side of me knows this is an illness and he doesn't mean what he says. The even more logical side of me knows that regardless of intent, his verbal torture is not fair to me even if he doesn't mean it. I want to leave, want him to leave but of course I'm currently financially dependent. And there's that little issue of loving him and being married to him.
Talk sense into me please. I am honestly wishing I would just go to sleep tonight and not wake up because it would be so much easier. But then I remember that I have children to take care of that I love and that I am not a quitter. How did I get here? Why didn't I see the signs? Just as an FYI, I have never used drugs, don't come from a family that has drug issues, etc. I never saw this coming until I was in too deep. He has chronic pain and as far as I knew was only taking his medication as prescribed...yeah, not so much. So I was already married by the time I realized what was really going on. That was seven months ago.
Again, I don't know if he meant what he said about divorce, etc. and I don't know if I'm even upset - well other than I don't know how I will pay our ridiculous mortgage on my own. His words have hurt me so much I don't know that I could ever recover.
Any words of wisdom, support, etc. would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm lost without any idea what to do.
I wound up in the ER yesterday desperately needing fluids. They gave me what I needed, lots of IV bags and anti-nausea meds, plus pain medication. My husband's detox period was supposed to begin today. Somehow we got into a fight last night (I say somehow because I am not all that lucid while on morphine) and he started telling me as long as I am in his life he will never get clean and that he hates me and wants me gone. It escalated into him saying he wants a divorce, telling me to eff off, giving me the middle finger, and telling me that we are over - on and on. He also made a point of calling me a complete psycho, and the biggest most selfish pig ever and even though he knows I have a hard time sleeping after the hospital, especially alone, he slept in another room. Of course, less than two days ago he told me the only reason he is still alive and hasn't overdosed is because of me and my support and my love. And that I am his angel, his reason for living, that if I die he can't live without me, blah, blah, blah. So I find myself confused, as usual.
I got up this morning, still extremely sick myself, got showered and went to our shared office (we are divorce lawyers - hopefully the irony doesn't escape you). I didn't say a word to him - just left. That alone is a huge victory for me so I am patting myself on the back a little bit. Half of me is sooooo done. We have six kids (from different marriages) and I just want them to be ok and not have to see any of this. None of them were home last night thank God. But of course that other half of me is falling apart, wanting him to call me, worried about him, etc.
The logical side of me knows this is an illness and he doesn't mean what he says. The even more logical side of me knows that regardless of intent, his verbal torture is not fair to me even if he doesn't mean it. I want to leave, want him to leave but of course I'm currently financially dependent. And there's that little issue of loving him and being married to him.
Talk sense into me please. I am honestly wishing I would just go to sleep tonight and not wake up because it would be so much easier. But then I remember that I have children to take care of that I love and that I am not a quitter. How did I get here? Why didn't I see the signs? Just as an FYI, I have never used drugs, don't come from a family that has drug issues, etc. I never saw this coming until I was in too deep. He has chronic pain and as far as I knew was only taking his medication as prescribed...yeah, not so much. So I was already married by the time I realized what was really going on. That was seven months ago.
Again, I don't know if he meant what he said about divorce, etc. and I don't know if I'm even upset - well other than I don't know how I will pay our ridiculous mortgage on my own. His words have hurt me so much I don't know that I could ever recover.
Any words of wisdom, support, etc. would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm lost without any idea what to do.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
FomayCohom,
Good morning. I am not in your shoes, my 2 sons are my addicts.
I would suggest reading the "stickies" at the top of this forum.
Buy a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
(an oldie but a goody)
Find Alanon mtgs. in your area, and attend regularly.
And work on you. Odds are he is not going to change.
And heaven knows we cannot do it for them.
Make boundaries and stick with them.
Others will be along soon.
Good morning. I am not in your shoes, my 2 sons are my addicts.
I would suggest reading the "stickies" at the top of this forum.
Buy a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
(an oldie but a goody)
Find Alanon mtgs. in your area, and attend regularly.
And work on you. Odds are he is not going to change.
And heaven knows we cannot do it for them.
Make boundaries and stick with them.
Others will be along soon.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, as an attorney, you have been trained to read, absorb and apply information/data. What have you read about addiction? What do you know about how it affects not only the addict, but, everything and everyone else the disease comes in contact with?
He is abusing you, and you are condoning his behavior.
Have you read Codependent No More, have you attended Naranon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
His disease is a progressive one, without a strong recovery program, he will fall deeper into the depth of addiction...and...there is no cure for this disease...he will fight this battle for the rest of his life.
Read around the family and friends forums, lots of great information right at your findertips.
He is abusing you, and you are condoning his behavior.
Have you read Codependent No More, have you attended Naranon meetings? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
His disease is a progressive one, without a strong recovery program, he will fall deeper into the depth of addiction...and...there is no cure for this disease...he will fight this battle for the rest of his life.
Read around the family and friends forums, lots of great information right at your findertips.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....you have come to a forum where all of us understand what it is like to live with an active addict.
We are VERY big on self care around here. It is the only way that I have found to survive. I also have a compromised system that does not react well to stress so it is imperative that I take care of myself. In some cases, stress can kill.
Most of us around here also will not give advice because all of our situations are so very different (as much as they are also the same) and we can't know all of the details of any given situation. So instead, we share what works for us so that we can survive, even thrive, when addiction is happening around us.
The best thing I have ever done for myself is focus on taking care of me--not just physically but emotionally and psychologically. I found help through reading (there's a long list of books that help deal with an addicted loved one) and going to Nar-Anon and Ala-Non meetings. It was there that I realized that I couldn't tell where I left off and the addict I love began. I went there looking for a way to help the addict and came away with the realization that I needed help.
I found out that I DO have choices, even when it feels like I don't. The problem is.....I don't always like the choices I have so I avoid those choices and fail to explore them to find compromise or a solution.
I work the program I wish the addict would. I do it for me. And I let God take care of the rest because I can't control it.
Stick around. Share. Post. Rant. Ask questions. And if/when you're ready, you may even decide to try some of the things that have worked for us. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
We are VERY big on self care around here. It is the only way that I have found to survive. I also have a compromised system that does not react well to stress so it is imperative that I take care of myself. In some cases, stress can kill.
Most of us around here also will not give advice because all of our situations are so very different (as much as they are also the same) and we can't know all of the details of any given situation. So instead, we share what works for us so that we can survive, even thrive, when addiction is happening around us.
The best thing I have ever done for myself is focus on taking care of me--not just physically but emotionally and psychologically. I found help through reading (there's a long list of books that help deal with an addicted loved one) and going to Nar-Anon and Ala-Non meetings. It was there that I realized that I couldn't tell where I left off and the addict I love began. I went there looking for a way to help the addict and came away with the realization that I needed help.
I found out that I DO have choices, even when it feels like I don't. The problem is.....I don't always like the choices I have so I avoid those choices and fail to explore them to find compromise or a solution.
I work the program I wish the addict would. I do it for me. And I let God take care of the rest because I can't control it.
Stick around. Share. Post. Rant. Ask questions. And if/when you're ready, you may even decide to try some of the things that have worked for us. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
All the analytical skills in the world aren't helping me at the moment. I am used to being very logical and fact-directed; however, for the first time in my life my emotions are running the show. I agree that I need to work on me, I just really don't know how. I will figure it out - you all have given me some great starting points. I wish there was a magic pill that could make my heart not feel broken. I feel weak and stupid for falling for this man. I'm not the type to let my heart rule over my head, and for whatever reason that is exactly what I did with this man. No use beating myself up over it, I just need to remember how to be strong and support myself. And my health is incredibly compromised right now and needs to be my number one concern. I just feel so very alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The amazing thing about taking care of ourselves and managing the changes we need to make in ourselves, is that other things change as a result. That is a fact-based outcome. When we change, the dynamic of the relationship WILL change. That is a law of the universe.
You are not alone. You have the full resources of many, many people who have walked a similar path here on SR. We understand the pain, anxiety and fear. We are surviving and so will you.
gentle hugs
ke
You are not alone. You have the full resources of many, many people who have walked a similar path here on SR. We understand the pain, anxiety and fear. We are surviving and so will you.
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am used to being very logical and fact-directed; however, for the first time in my life my emotions are running the show. I agree that I need to work on me, I just really don't know how. I will figure it out
1) Go back and read your original post as if it came from a wife coming to you for a separation or divorce.
2) Today, go to Amazon.com and order Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
When it comes read it with 'hi lighter' pen in hand.
3) Could be time to seek our a counselor or therapist that specializes in Addiction for more guidance on how to work on you,
and/or
4) Check out where the local Alanon and/or Naranon meetings are in your area. I say Alanon as it is the same program and in many areas there are a heck of a lot more Alanon meetings to meet one's busy schedule than there are Naranon\
5) The 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
6) Start reading the 'sticky's' the the top of this forum. Start reading different threads. You will find that many of us have been or are where you are now.
We willingly share our Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) here as the ES&H was shared with us when we arrived.
Some of us are also what we call "Double Winners" as we are not only recovered Addict and/or Alcoholics, but are working on our Co Dependency issues as well.
So, pull up a chair and your keyboard and join us. We welcome you.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream and yes, even laugh.
Please understand that practicing A;s (addict and/or alkie) are EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE and will say and do anything to KEEP USING, be what they say nice or mean. We have a term for when they do this, which is usually whenever they open their mouth it is called QUACKING. Just picture the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK from the commercials going QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, lol
Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome-
I agree with all the posts above but wanted to add one thing.
There are words that my loved one spoke and there are his actions. I started getting better when those two things were NOT congruent so I believed the actions only.
I also did not realize the extent of my exH use until right after marriage. It was very scary for many of the same reasons.
It took me awhile but stuffing those fears down and pretending I did not have them did not make them better.
Al-anon has been a lifesaver for me. I have done A LOT of individual counseling and that has been worth every penny.
I agree with all the posts above but wanted to add one thing.
There are words that my loved one spoke and there are his actions. I started getting better when those two things were NOT congruent so I believed the actions only.
I also did not realize the extent of my exH use until right after marriage. It was very scary for many of the same reasons.
It took me awhile but stuffing those fears down and pretending I did not have them did not make them better.
Al-anon has been a lifesaver for me. I have done A LOT of individual counseling and that has been worth every penny.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
FC....
I am in a similar situation. Although, I've been married for 22 years.
Unfortunately, addicts do QUACK as Laurie said. (Laurie...you are a gem by the way)
When you are confused to begin with.....it's difficult to figure out exactly what is going on.
For me, I eat when I need to, I sleep when I need to. All of it starts with me, taking care of me. If you are deficient in health and rest, it is difficult to figure out or cope with the other stuff.
Don't feel bad that you fell for him. Addicts look for certain types of people....
you will learn this if you go to meetings and stick around here.
It happens.....there is a reason....you need to learn why....for your own sanity.
Recovery from co-dependency is a paradigm shift and it's uncomfortable.
However....it will make you a much better divorce attorney (IMHO)
I started my gratitude journal (again). I put a twist on the usual tho.
I try to write one thing per day that I am grateful for.
Then I do the Rose and the Thorn. The Rose=The best thing that happened to me that day.
The Thorn: The worst thing that happened to me that day.
Then I ask myself if the thorn was "that bad". I really try to keep my reality in check.
Then I write 3 thank you's for the things that I want and have not received yet.
ie: Thank you for the 10 pounds I lost
Thank you for the 3 new clients coming thru the door
Thank you for my husband taking a proactive forward movement toward sobriety.
What I have learned by doing this is....
A. You start to focus on the positives in your life
B. You focus less on the negatives
C. You learn to expect that great things are going to happen.
And the times when my husband has said the flowery things that my heart wants to hear.
I can go back and see that he has not made any forward motion and this gives me a reality check reminding me to watch the actions....not listen to the words.
I am in a similar situation. Although, I've been married for 22 years.
Unfortunately, addicts do QUACK as Laurie said. (Laurie...you are a gem by the way)
When you are confused to begin with.....it's difficult to figure out exactly what is going on.
For me, I eat when I need to, I sleep when I need to. All of it starts with me, taking care of me. If you are deficient in health and rest, it is difficult to figure out or cope with the other stuff.
Don't feel bad that you fell for him. Addicts look for certain types of people....
you will learn this if you go to meetings and stick around here.
It happens.....there is a reason....you need to learn why....for your own sanity.
Recovery from co-dependency is a paradigm shift and it's uncomfortable.
However....it will make you a much better divorce attorney (IMHO)
I started my gratitude journal (again). I put a twist on the usual tho.
I try to write one thing per day that I am grateful for.
Then I do the Rose and the Thorn. The Rose=The best thing that happened to me that day.
The Thorn: The worst thing that happened to me that day.
Then I ask myself if the thorn was "that bad". I really try to keep my reality in check.
Then I write 3 thank you's for the things that I want and have not received yet.
ie: Thank you for the 10 pounds I lost
Thank you for the 3 new clients coming thru the door
Thank you for my husband taking a proactive forward movement toward sobriety.
What I have learned by doing this is....
A. You start to focus on the positives in your life
B. You focus less on the negatives
C. You learn to expect that great things are going to happen.
And the times when my husband has said the flowery things that my heart wants to hear.
I can go back and see that he has not made any forward motion and this gives me a reality check reminding me to watch the actions....not listen to the words.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow YearForMe. That's some really good stuff. If we change our behavior we change our reality. We change our perceptions. We change. And those suggestions are some of the best I've read for creating behavior changes.
I'm going to try them!
I'm going to try them!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you to everyone for your support! I went out yesterday, bought and read the CoDependent No More book, went to an al-anon meeting AND found a therapist that specializes in drug/alcohol issues. I don't do well as a "victim" and really just needed to hear that someone else out there understands just how sucky this all feels. And being sick for two months has probably been what has gotten me to this level of desperation. So again, thank you all for helping me start this looooong journey I am beginning.
I did speak to my husband yesterday afternoon after I had done many things for myself. I told him that things are changing, whether he likes it or not, with or without him. First and foremost, I am finding a job where I can earn my own money and not be financially dependent on our joint practice. Second, I need to keep my stress levels down to keep my health as stable as possible. If he wants to have a fight, he needs to find someone else because I won't engage. I love him and I always will, but if it becomes so unhealthy that I can't stay, I will love him from a distance.
I am going out today to buy a notebook so I can start a gratitude journal. I need to find the old me, the happy me, the easygoing me. I know she's in there.
Again, thank you ALL for your wonderful input. Today I don't feel alone and that's nothing short of a miracle. Hugs to everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me. The amount of gratitude I have towards you is not possible for me to express!
I did speak to my husband yesterday afternoon after I had done many things for myself. I told him that things are changing, whether he likes it or not, with or without him. First and foremost, I am finding a job where I can earn my own money and not be financially dependent on our joint practice. Second, I need to keep my stress levels down to keep my health as stable as possible. If he wants to have a fight, he needs to find someone else because I won't engage. I love him and I always will, but if it becomes so unhealthy that I can't stay, I will love him from a distance.
I am going out today to buy a notebook so I can start a gratitude journal. I need to find the old me, the happy me, the easygoing me. I know she's in there.
Again, thank you ALL for your wonderful input. Today I don't feel alone and that's nothing short of a miracle. Hugs to everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me. The amount of gratitude I have towards you is not possible for me to express!
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
I commend you on your fabulous job of getting out there sick and doing what you need to do for YOU.........YEAH, YEAH, YEAH X1000000000000000000. You have now started on your jouney to healing.....welcome to walking down that road. I have walked down it and it feels good...........
Blessings,
Kahlia
Blessings,
Kahlia
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