artist83

I've been working on Step 4 of Codependents Anonymous for almost a month now - Made a searching & fearless inventory of myself - and working this step has brought many changes in my life. Step 4 has been by far the most difficult, but with the help of my therapist I was able to complete it. This moral inventory forced me to take a long, hard look at myself, the real me, and although it was extremely difficult to list and discuss my character defects (I'm a perfectionist to the 10th power), it was very beneficial to my recovery process.

At first I thought I was crazy. It seemed like my list would never end. I never realized how many negative traits I possessed! I'm compulsive, critical, dependent, distrustful, fearful, a perfectionist, inconsistent, insecure, submissive, think negatively, controlling, obsessive, self-doubting, resentful, self-destructive, avoidant, detached, and I’m a workaholic. My therapist and I started to dig a little deeper and discussed the things in my life that have caused me to develop these defects (we are still working on this and probably will be for a while), and it has been an eye-opening experience.

I read my moral inventory every day and focus on improving my character defects (little by little of course), and I am now much more aware of many of the negative behaviors that I exhibit on a daily basis. It will take a long time to change these behaviors and negative feelings, but at least I am aware of them and know why I am feeling and behaving these ways.

When I began this step, I knew I would be learning a lot about my own feelings and behaviors, but what I didn’t realize was that I would become much more aware of others’ feelings and behaviors, especially the negative ones. I guess that this new self-awareness has opened my eyes in such a way that I am analyzing my reactions to other people’s behaviors, which has led me to analyzing my relationships with these people. I’m changing, but the people who I am the closest to, the people I love the most are not. I’m finally seeing them for who they really are, and at the same time they are seeing the real me for the first time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed to say the least. This step has brought me and my father much closer together – we understand each other because we are so much alike. But until recently, I never realized how negative, selfish and needy my mother is and how much her behaviors affect me. She has also become very competitive with me lately – I’m not sure if she is threatened by my relationship with my father or because she sees that I am taking care of myself and feels like I don’t need her as much anymore – but regardless of the reasons behind her behavior, she has really hurt me. She criticizes me and tells me that she knows I won’t complete some of the goals I have set for myself. But the funny thing is that she knows how intelligent and talented I am and continues to criticize me when she herself is not able to do many of the things that I do perfectly and without much effort. I feel like she has turned into this mean, bitter person. I feel like I don’t know her anymore and I’m not sure what I should do.

The same thing has happened with my younger sister. She’s mildly mentally ********, so it makes me feel guilty to feel this way about her, but I’m trying to be honest with myself and to stop hiding from my feelings. She is extremely manipulative and selfish – she plays the “poor me” role so well but is much more capable than she leads everyone to believe she is. When I cried to my father about how I have been feeling lately, let all of my feelings and fears out to him so that he could give me some guidance, she got angry because she wasn’t the center of attention. She could have cared less if I was falling apart emotionally and told my parents that they love me more than they love her and threatened to kill herself. It was an empty threat, but it hurt so much to know that my own sister would threaten suicide just so my dad would focus on her instead of me. I needed him that day and she took him away from me.

My cousin and his girlfriend (soon to be the mother of his child) are also extremely selfish, or maybe they have always been selfish and I’m just realizing it now. My cousin and I used to be extremely close and his girlfriend was my best friend (I introduced them), the one person I could turn to who would never let me down, but now they are more like strangers than anything else. They only care about themselves and will hurt anyone who gets in their way.

I’m so tired of being surrounded by all of this negativity and selfishness. I’m trying to focus on myself, on what I need in order to recover, but it is impossible to do this when almost every one of my relationships is changing or falling apart. I need a family who will understand what I am going through and support me throughout my recovery. I need friends who won’t turn their backs on me when I need them most. What I don’t need is for the people I love the most to compete with me, criticize me, and make me feel like I don’t mean anything to them.

As if my life hasn’t been difficult enough already – nearly dying at the age of 28 from heart failure a year ago, having to change my life completely in order to battle my heart condition, falling in love with the most amazing, caring man I have ever met then realizing that he is addicted to and dangerously abusing pain meds, trying to save him and our relationship, realizing that I am powerless over his addiction and having to let him go, trying to recover from codependency… The list goes on and on. I feel like every time I make some progress, something else pushes me backward. I’m emotionally exhausted, hurt, and confused. How can I focus on getting better when there is no stability in my life?

laurie6781

Ahhhh, baby steps.

Yes step 4 is an EYE OPENER. However, something I have learned over these many years is that I can take most of my 'defects' and turn them into 'assets' ie My STUBBORNNESS.

I slowly with work turned it into a tenacity to finish a project I started 'to the best of my ability' (my perfectionism).

No, I am not always happy with the way others treat me, if it is someone close I have at times had to distance myself (I didn't talk or see my mother for 5 years, my choice) to remove toxic people from my life. After 5 years it was amazing how much my mother 'had learned' and how much 'my attitude' toward her had changed.

Yes my mother ALWAYS criticized me, she said it was to make me 'strive and work harder'. Bah humbug. She did the same to my sister. The issue was not resolved until I was in my late 40's and my sister in her late 30's (she did the same thing to her) but it was resolved.

Please feel free to continue to post, we do understand. Remember also it is 'progress not perfection' (boy did I have to DRILL that one into my brain, rofl).

You are growing, whether you realize it or not.

Also, in those 'hard times' remember that we may not be with you physically but we are with you in spirit (it does help, honest). Just picture whatever room or wherever you are FILLED with all of us from SR, it can be VERY CALMING.

Love and hugs,

whyme123

I'm going through a similar situation with my father as you are with your mother. The more I work on me the more resistant and defensive he becomes. We argue constantly. Don't think its really a narcissistic thing for him - maybe a need to be needed and slightly co-dependent thing. Regardless of their motives, its frustrating!

I have learned that I still need to change and stay the course regardless of what others may or may not think. This is about me becoming healthy and living a healthy life.

outtolunch

I am not a 12 stepper although I have tremendeous respect for it and the process. Having said this, it's all about step one for me. Acceptance of people as they are, not as I want /need them to be. This remains a work in progress for me.

dollydo

This recovery stuff isn't for sissies...it is hard work. Keep working on you, things are starting to fall into place, you are really making progress.

mooselips

artist83,
Thanks for the great introspective, it's tough looking at our character defects.

And, as for others, I try as hard as I can to stay away from negative people, and there's alot of them in the North.... (sun deprivation???)

artist83

Laurie,

I just jotted down "progress not perfection" in the quotes section of my journal. Thank you for reminding me of this. The hardest part of all of this is accepting that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes along the way. Throughout my life, I have had so much pressure put upon me by my entire family and I guess I have finally come to a point where I have had enough - I just can't handle this pressure anymore, and if I don't do something about it soon, I feel that I will completely fall apart and may not be able to put the pieces back together again.

I know that I have grown over the past few months and I'm proud of myself for coming this far. Four months ago, I was an absolute mess. I didn't know what I was feeling or how to fix the disaster that was my life. Looking back at where I was four months ago, I can't believe how much I have improved. By no means is my life perfect now, but I have made more progress than I ever thought to be possible, and that's good enough for me.

Also, thank you for reminding me that all of you here at SR are with me in spirit, supporting me along this journey. I really don't know where I would be without all of you. I not only consider all of you to be my friends, but also my family, and every day I am grateful for the love and support that all of you have given me throughout this difficult time.

Thanks again,

artist83

Whyme,

I couldn't have said it better myself. I almost feel that my mom would rather keep me as the helpless person I was than to let me go and allow me to grow into the person I know I can be. She criticizes me for not being able to keep my house ridiculously clean, for being broke (heart failure will do that to you), and for needing my father for emotional and financial support, but when I try to do things on my own and show her that I'm okay and able to take care of myself, she becomes even more critical.

I think your dad and my mom are going through the same thing - they don't want to let us go, want to keep saving us, and resist allowing us to make the changes needed to become independent, healthy individuals. They need to be needed.

I know I need to let it go, stop worrying about her and our relationship, but I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I don't have many close friends (my choice, I just can't handle all of the drama anymore), and I guess I'm scared that I'll lose one of the only people who has always been there for me. I don't want to end up alone, really alone. But I also can't put my recovery on hold because she is resistant to change.

I'm just going to keep my head up and continue to move in a positive direction - I guess that's all I can do.