From the Addict's Perspective
 

Hey everyone. I'm a recovering drug addict, and I come to this particular section a lot. It has made it a lot easier to understand my drug addiction from my family's perspective. A lot of what you guys write really hits me because some of it is word for word stuff that my mom has said.

That said, I wanna tell you guys something that has disturbed me. It seems like some of you hate drug addicts/alcoholics. Not that I blame you. But you guys seem to think the drug addict does all this stuff in order to hurt you, which is almost never the case. Almost everything an addict does is done to acquire more gear.

I just want to post two examples that kinda trouble me.

I highly doubt that. He almost certainly doesn't actually "love drugs" more than his family. He is probably under the delusional impression that he can use, and if he found just the right way to do it, he wouldn't hurt you guys. He wants the best of both worlds. Like I said, it's delusional, but he doesn't view this as a choice between the family or the drugs, even if it seems obvious to everyone that he is making that choice, he doesn't feel that way.

And this one is just offensive. I was none of these things, even when I was deep into actively using.

Agreed and than you. It's not personal. It just feels that way sometimes.

We codependents have this thing about making it all personal. How else could we then rationalize feeling like crap about ourselves and/or sustain the fantasy that we have power over it.? ;)

Hi Nightsd: Thanks for the insight from your side of things. In our better moments, many of us agree with you. But please remember that we may be getting on here during times of high stress - like when we've just been stolen from, threatened, broken into, had our cars stolen, been woken up by drug dealers, have had our loved ones BEG us for money so the drug dealer won't kill them, been screamed at in front of others that we are the fault of it all, or just realized (sometimes after years) that our loved one has a problem with drugs/alcohol and are feeling very betrayed.

I do not know if you did any of those things to your loved ones when you were in active use, but I have found those behaviors to be the scariest times I've ever had.

I have noticed (it could just be me) that the predominant emotion on the F/F Alcoholics forum is anger where the predominant emotion on F/F Drugs is fear.

Also, I have noticed that parents experience absolute grief/fear whereas non-blood relatives/non-parent relatives struggle with anger, disgust, etc.

Thanks again for your reminder that our addicted loved ones have a neurologic disorder that has changed their brain.

Hi (((((Nightsd).

I am a long long time 'double winner'. Recovered from alcohol and drugs for a long time and also still working on co-dependency issues for a 'long' time, lol.

What you say is true to a degree. However, please remember that the addict/alcoholic becomes a 'prisoner' to their addiction. The addiction becomes KING. I know for a fact, that not only myself but many that I have worked with these many years will say whatever is necessary to be able to continue to use. It is part of the addiction. It is not that they do not love their families, children, or spouses it is that their DOC has them in BONDAGE.

I broke those chains of bondage, as apparently you have also.

Please continue to post here to give the A's side, as I do, and also understand that we A's have run ROUGH SHOD over anyone and everyone that is close to us.

Also for your own benefit, please understand that MANY not all but MANY A's are also Co Dependent and do not figure that one out until they have been in recovery for some time. Some Alanon or Naranon or some time with a therapist may broaden your horizons on that score.

I know for me, that when my sponsor, in no uncertain terms, on my 3rd anniversay said I needed Alanon I was so against it, but 'meekly' (I was still not very sure of myself, lol) followed orders. Was I in for a surprise. I truly believe that in the long run Alanon not only showed me the 'other side of the street' but gave me better tools with a difference perspective on the 12 Steps, for me to function in the civilized world. I will be forever grateful to both programs, however, I have to say that more gratitude goes to Alanon for teaching me how to act, react, interact with others be they A or not.

So come on over and be a DOUBLE WINNER with others of us on these forums!!!

J M H O based on over 30 years continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs, and 27 years of working on my personal co dependency issues.

Love and hugs,

I think most of us hate the addiction but not the person. It just doesn't always come through that way.

sojourner
That was beautifully stated.

Nightsd
Thank you for the gentle reminder to all of us to love the addict--hate the disease.

gentle hugs
ke

Nightsd,

I completely understand how some of the things you have read in this particular forum have upset you, but try to understand that one of the reasons we post in this forum is because it is a safe place for us (codependents, wives/husbands/partners/parents/siblings/friends/relatives of addicts and/or alcoholics) to express how we feel, how we really feel. At times, some of us do hate the addict/alcoholic in our lives because we have been put through so much pain and heartache. Sometimes hate is all we can feel, but instead of allowing that hate to destroy us, we express it here where we feel safe and can get feedback from others who have gone through the same thing we are going through now.

For me, I don't hate the addict in my life - I HATE what drugs have done to him, HATE the control that drugs have over him. I love him but I HATE his addiction. Does that make sense?

It is very difficult for us codies to take responsibility for our own feelings - we feel the need to take care of everyone else because we don't know how to take care of ourselves (our own emotions, feelings, actions, and reactions), and being able to express our true feelings in this forum is a major step for us. We know that here, no one will reject us or leave us for feeling the way we feel. Here, we don't have to hold back or hide from our feelings. For some of us, this forum is the only thing that is keeping us from falling apart.

So please try to understand that what is said here is not directed toward addicts/alcoholics is general - it is only how we are feeling at the moment because we are hurt, angry, confused, along with many other emotions.

Thank you for your post - I hope this has helped you in some way.

I was about as functional an addict as you'll ever meet. I financed my habit (which was expensive, well over $50,000 a year!). I never ONCE stole to support my habit. I was once so broke I couldn't afford drugs, so I got dope sick on my couch for three days, when I could have just stolen from my loved ones.

I'm not saying I'm better than the addict that steals. I'm just as bad. I've still hurt my family a lot. And that's one of the biggest secondary reasons I have to quit, I can't stand the thought of hurting them any longer. My mom was absolutely terrified, you're right. Throw in a suicide attempt and enormous depression and she was worried sick about me. I just wanted to get better so she wouldn't be so scared/sad and suboxone has given me that chance. I'm very lucky.

Thanks! Sometimes it sure doesn't feel that way. Guess I needed a reminder.

Generally speaking this seems to be true. I'd even take fear to the next level...terror as it relates to parents of addicts. Or maybe that's was just my own experience.

I don't hate addicts, I love addicts, I, personally, am drawn to that personality, because I am a codependent, and my head says I can enable them to sobriety.



My head knows better these days.

Nightsd,
Also, you seem to appear as an addict with a conscience, which IMO, is rare. My addicts have never shown any remorse after stealing, lying etc. to me.

Thanks for the reminder all.

Is it not great how much we get to learn from each other, regardless of our struggles, recovery can teach us so much.

From MY perspective, when I was a crackhead, I didn't care about my family when I was using. I put getting high first. Sure, I "loved" my family so much. But not enough to EVER put them before the dope. Ever.

My love was all words, not actions back then.

I think it's real easy to say, love love love. But real hard to do it.

Hey Nightsd,
It is good to remember both sides, you're right. I too don't like the way people get labelled as addicts or codependents when in reality we are all different people with different stories. I don't like labels of any kind! They seem to make it so easy to dismiss the pain of another.
In my own experience with the two people I have loved who have had addictions, they did change. They did things they would never have dreamed of doing before they became addicted, and they did both become abusive.
BUT all memory of that would have disappeared if they'd gotten themselves out of that dark hole! After all, you don't have to be an addict to make mistakes. I've got a lot of regrets in my own life, not due to addiction, just due to stupidity and bad decisions!
Life is a rocky road for most of us and we all fall into the crevices from time to time. Just so long as you get out!! That's all that counts. People that really love you just want you to be okay. They need you too xxx

Well, I'm not sure how to put this since everyone seems to discourage the "A" word lately.....so.....

I do not hate my stepson, but I am afraid of him. He started out by nearly drinking himself to death (hospital, DT's, alcoholic hepatitis) and then, well, he developed quite a penchant for placing pieces of cocaine in the crystalline form in a small glass pipe, lighting it, and inhaling the smoke thereof......how's that? I didn't use the A word even once!

The psychological effects of "inhaling the smoke thereof" made him an angry and threatening young man. He threatened to kill 3 members of his family during this period of time.

I frequently find myself crying on the way home because I am afraid for him.....Mr. HG and I do not know where he is or if he is even alive right now. I would very much love to know that he is alive, and yet I am afraid to see him again because of how threatening he became.

Congratulations on your decision live a clean and sober life. I wish only good things for you in the future!

Hugs, HG

No, but everything done to acquire more gear is done in spite of the hurt that it causes others. I'm not saying that it isn't a precarious place to be in, choosing your addiction over everything else time and again in spite of your better judgment, but there are no innocents in this game. It is good for you to read this.

I love my husband so much. He is a crack addict. We live apart.
I am also afraid of him.... In the back of my mind...even if we r having a nice time.
He's "only" laid his hands on me twice...once shoving me into a wall repeatedly because I tried to block him from his drugs (lesson learned)... A second time he had his hands around my throat and then started to push my face into the bed (couldnt breathe..he outweighs me by 75 lbs). This incident was (his words) because I wouldnt stop btching about the drugs. I thought it was going to happen one more time when I was walking out during an argument and he ran after me....he caught me in the stairwell...i started crying... He stopped and said "I Want you to feel safe..." And abruptly ran away. I guess my point is .... I believe u when you say they love us ....for me it got twisted when I really challenged the drug use....

I remember spending Christmas one year dope sick on my couch cause I was broke. I saw my brother receive a lot of cash. I took the cash and drove over to my dealers. However, I just couldn't bring myself to steal from him. Even in withdrawals. I drove back home and put all the money back.

We addicts don't even love ourselves. Its no wonder why many of us cannot show love to others. But in my opinion, the most important thing with love is how you FEEL. You can be in love with someone and still treat them terribly, or ignore them. Addiction makes you do terrible things to others to chase the high. But it makes you do even worse things to yourself.