6 months later...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
6 months later...
hello everyone,
although i haven't posted in a while, i have been checking in periodically and reading other posts in order to find reassurance and comfort.
about a week ago, i went to our home with my sister to pick up winter clothes for myself and the kids and baby clothes for the new arrival (due in 4 wks).
my AH refused to leave the home ahead of time and was there when we arrived. he did not expect my sister to come, so he had cooked for the two of us and thought that i would stay over for dinner, which would have been nice if it wasn't a complete reflection of his denial and refusal to admit to anything being wrong with the situation (although kids and i have been gone for 6 mths now).
the whole thing was terribly sad for me and i felt like crying the whole time. seeing him for the first time in 6 mths and being with him in the same room was just overwhelming, to say the least. after we loaded the stuff up, my sister left and i stayed for a while and we talked. we talked about issues and about random stuff, but from what i see, nothing has really changed.
the whole visit was very nerve wrecking on me, but i had to get some of our stuff so i wouldn't have to buy new things.
the whole last week i was bummed out about it b/c i was so sad for him and our family. this week things are pretty much to the same old (few nice texts, then few ugly ones). the latest is that he said he wouldn't text me any more and that was sunday, which i'm pretty sure won't last forever.
sorry for venting, i just thought i would share a little bit of the update.
today, i'm just sad again, but tomorrow is a new day. hopefully a better one.
i wanted to ask for some input for dealing with being sad and for some encouragement when it came to staying hopeful despite the lack of progress on his part. is he ever going to come around to face the reality and get treatment? what about the kids, do i just keep them away from him until he gets clean (it is very hard on my 4 yr old girl, she adores him)? etc, etc.
i know that no one can really answer these questions, but they still hound me every day. i try to focus on myself and it's ok at times, but at other times all i can think about is him (i know i'm gonna get chewed out for my codie behavior, please be gentle).
anyways, just wanted to touch base with everyone. thank you all ahead of time for your responses.
hugs and prayers to you all. love you guys.
although i haven't posted in a while, i have been checking in periodically and reading other posts in order to find reassurance and comfort.
about a week ago, i went to our home with my sister to pick up winter clothes for myself and the kids and baby clothes for the new arrival (due in 4 wks).
my AH refused to leave the home ahead of time and was there when we arrived. he did not expect my sister to come, so he had cooked for the two of us and thought that i would stay over for dinner, which would have been nice if it wasn't a complete reflection of his denial and refusal to admit to anything being wrong with the situation (although kids and i have been gone for 6 mths now).
the whole thing was terribly sad for me and i felt like crying the whole time. seeing him for the first time in 6 mths and being with him in the same room was just overwhelming, to say the least. after we loaded the stuff up, my sister left and i stayed for a while and we talked. we talked about issues and about random stuff, but from what i see, nothing has really changed.
the whole visit was very nerve wrecking on me, but i had to get some of our stuff so i wouldn't have to buy new things.
the whole last week i was bummed out about it b/c i was so sad for him and our family. this week things are pretty much to the same old (few nice texts, then few ugly ones). the latest is that he said he wouldn't text me any more and that was sunday, which i'm pretty sure won't last forever.
sorry for venting, i just thought i would share a little bit of the update.
today, i'm just sad again, but tomorrow is a new day. hopefully a better one.
i wanted to ask for some input for dealing with being sad and for some encouragement when it came to staying hopeful despite the lack of progress on his part. is he ever going to come around to face the reality and get treatment? what about the kids, do i just keep them away from him until he gets clean (it is very hard on my 4 yr old girl, she adores him)? etc, etc.
i know that no one can really answer these questions, but they still hound me every day. i try to focus on myself and it's ok at times, but at other times all i can think about is him (i know i'm gonna get chewed out for my codie behavior, please be gentle).
anyways, just wanted to touch base with everyone. thank you all ahead of time for your responses.
hugs and prayers to you all. love you guys.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
(((hugs))) What you are going through is very difficult and of course youre sad. You have every right to feel that way as well as angry and whatever else you are feeling.
The only advice I have, when it comes to what to do next, is to keep making WISE choices that put you and your children's stability and mental health first by protecting yourselves from the instability and drama and chaos that surround drug addicts.
If nothing changes... nothing changes. It doesn't sound like he's changed. But maybe you have?
The only advice I have, when it comes to what to do next, is to keep making WISE choices that put you and your children's stability and mental health first by protecting yourselves from the instability and drama and chaos that surround drug addicts.
If nothing changes... nothing changes. It doesn't sound like he's changed. But maybe you have?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
dear hello-kitty,
thank you for your response. i think that i did change. since we have been gone from the house i made a point of reading any and everything that i can get my hands on about addiction and coping with it and it has helped me a lot. most of the time i can see through his manipulation and attempts to get us back without having to change anything.
so i guess in a way i have changed. i have grown a whole lot. i am making baby steps in trying to focus on myself. i make a point of taking good care of my kids and i try not to invest too much time in thinking about him since he is an adult and should be capable of taking care of himself. it is hard, but it is a lot easier now then it was at first.
thank you for your encouragement. hugs and prayers to you.
thank you for your response. i think that i did change. since we have been gone from the house i made a point of reading any and everything that i can get my hands on about addiction and coping with it and it has helped me a lot. most of the time i can see through his manipulation and attempts to get us back without having to change anything.
so i guess in a way i have changed. i have grown a whole lot. i am making baby steps in trying to focus on myself. i make a point of taking good care of my kids and i try not to invest too much time in thinking about him since he is an adult and should be capable of taking care of himself. it is hard, but it is a lot easier now then it was at first.
thank you for your encouragement. hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
I totally feel for you... Im going through the same thing... Kills me to see it get worse... Somebody on another thread said...maybe this the life he wants...i dont know, I do know its the life he is choosing today and not one I want to be a part of. The great thing about your post is you are feeling your sadnessand emotions....admitting them. I buried mine for awhile and tried tip act "as if" and they camr out in inappropriate ways (anger, etc) hugs and prayers to you and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
oneday66,
thank you for your post. sorry to hear that you're going through the similar situation. you're right it's so sad to watch someone you love get worse and not be able to help them.
my hugs and prayers are with you.
thank you for your post. sorry to hear that you're going through the similar situation. you're right it's so sad to watch someone you love get worse and not be able to help them.
my hugs and prayers are with you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
With your baby due soon, it is a good time to just take very good care of yourself and not worry about the past or the future.
In time you will have wonderful new beginnings ahead of you, and a life where your children can learn from your strength.
Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.
Hugs
In time you will have wonderful new beginnings ahead of you, and a life where your children can learn from your strength.
Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.
Hugs
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
pacificsunrise,
How sad for you, and for the children.
As for the 4 year old, what I do with my grandson is I don't bring up daddy at all, if he says something as to "Daddy likes cars" or something, I agree and say "Yes, daddy does like cars" period.
My son doesn't seem to go out of his way to come see his son, and it hurts ME, therefore, I kind of glaze it over, and just let it go.
My only thought for your circumstance is, it WILL get better in the future. You can't see it now, but, trust me, it will.
Sometimes, it just seems like when WE are the responsible ones, we're the ones that hurt the most. But, we can take comfort in knowing that time does indeed go on, and nothing stays the same, and from experience, I can see things do get better.
SO...you focus, just on YOU and your children, and vibe good thoughts to the new coming baby........I'm praying for you...
How sad for you, and for the children.
As for the 4 year old, what I do with my grandson is I don't bring up daddy at all, if he says something as to "Daddy likes cars" or something, I agree and say "Yes, daddy does like cars" period.
My son doesn't seem to go out of his way to come see his son, and it hurts ME, therefore, I kind of glaze it over, and just let it go.
My only thought for your circumstance is, it WILL get better in the future. You can't see it now, but, trust me, it will.
Sometimes, it just seems like when WE are the responsible ones, we're the ones that hurt the most. But, we can take comfort in knowing that time does indeed go on, and nothing stays the same, and from experience, I can see things do get better.
SO...you focus, just on YOU and your children, and vibe good thoughts to the new coming baby........I'm praying for you...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
My husband refuses to acknowledge his addiction. He keeps coming back to the home. I am contemplating a restraining order. I feel it is cruel to do that because he is not a violent person but he just will not leave. Every few days comes back and stays a few days then leaves a few days. I thought of leaving but everyone on this forum is urging me not to leave my home because that will just be enabling him. My husband needs rehab. Unless he is working actively in an addiction program there is no us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
I do agree you need to focus on yourself and your children. With expecting the stress of his issues is not good on you. You need to continue to read, post, vent and share. You are what is most important not him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Pacific: Everybody has emotional setbacks, I know I do! But the more important thing is that you are really staying the course. Give yourself credit for staying so strong during a pregnancy! Maybe you can welcome this blessing as a new chapter in your new, healthy, and independent life!
Moose: "we can take comfort in knowing that time does indeed go on, and nothing stays the same, and from experience, I can see things do get better." Thank you, that was a great thing to read this morning.
Family: You mention that he comes and stays..that has to be really tough on your kids. What can you do to protect them and detach from him while still living in your home? If your not ready for the RO just yet, how about changing the locks, going out and keeping yourself busy when you know he may show up?
Moose: "we can take comfort in knowing that time does indeed go on, and nothing stays the same, and from experience, I can see things do get better." Thank you, that was a great thing to read this morning.
Family: You mention that he comes and stays..that has to be really tough on your kids. What can you do to protect them and detach from him while still living in your home? If your not ready for the RO just yet, how about changing the locks, going out and keeping yourself busy when you know he may show up?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by whyme123 
If your not ready for the RO just yet, how about changing the locks, going out and keeping yourself busy when you know he may show up?
Not knowing when he's coming, showing up at odd times, without an invitation...lol drives me to the edge.
So, I sure can understand, not wanting to be in the same house with him.
Perhaps, if you haven't already, you may want to explore what a lawyer has to say...Keep yourself and your assets safe.
hugs......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
whyme123,
Yes, he comes for a few days and when confronted about his demons he leaves. Cycle repeats itself. I asked him to leave permanently but he feels since it is 1/2 his house he will not leave. I asked legal counsel if I can change the locks. I was advised in the state of nj it is illegal to change the locks on a spouse if they own half the home. I would have to file for a restraining order to have him vacate the premises. I have one child home. My son is 13 and my daughter is living at college. I detach or should I say my son and I detach by just going about our day as if he is not there. My son and I do homework together, go to movies together, watch tv together, eat together, etc. We never include my husband. My son literally has little conversation with his father. My family lives actually down the street. We spend time with my parents and when we go visit my daughter it never includes my husband. He hasn't gone to school since we moved her in. My son and I are in therapy. I spoke to my daughter last night trying to encourage her to seek counseling. She stated she will consider it. My husband...well he is in denial. I took a personal day on Friday of this week. I have an appt with a lawyer to discuss my options if my husband is refusing to accept his addiction and seek help. I live each day for me and my children. I basically live a life as a single parent in the home when he is there or not. I have been doing this for a very long time. I exercise to help with stress. I keep myself busy when he is there by doing yard work. When my son has plans with his friends I go to my parents house and have coffee or just talk.
Yes, he comes for a few days and when confronted about his demons he leaves. Cycle repeats itself. I asked him to leave permanently but he feels since it is 1/2 his house he will not leave. I asked legal counsel if I can change the locks. I was advised in the state of nj it is illegal to change the locks on a spouse if they own half the home. I would have to file for a restraining order to have him vacate the premises. I have one child home. My son is 13 and my daughter is living at college. I detach or should I say my son and I detach by just going about our day as if he is not there. My son and I do homework together, go to movies together, watch tv together, eat together, etc. We never include my husband. My son literally has little conversation with his father. My family lives actually down the street. We spend time with my parents and when we go visit my daughter it never includes my husband. He hasn't gone to school since we moved her in. My son and I are in therapy. I spoke to my daughter last night trying to encourage her to seek counseling. She stated she will consider it. My husband...well he is in denial. I took a personal day on Friday of this week. I have an appt with a lawyer to discuss my options if my husband is refusing to accept his addiction and seek help. I live each day for me and my children. I basically live a life as a single parent in the home when he is there or not. I have been doing this for a very long time. I exercise to help with stress. I keep myself busy when he is there by doing yard work. When my son has plans with his friends I go to my parents house and have coffee or just talk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
i know i'm gonna get chewed out for my codie behavior, please be gentle
Don't be hard on yourself! We all slip up and do something very "codie". We all get sad sometimes. It IS sad to see what's happening with our addicted loved ones! To say otherwise would be denial! We just don't want to stay in "sad" all the time because that's not healthy. We do need to move through it.
You're doing ok. You're taking care of yourself and your children. You're allowing your husband the dignity of taking care of himself. He's a man.....and he is capable of taking care of himself. Your children can't. They need their healthy parent to make sound decisions on their behalf and keep them safe. You're doing that.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Family - Glad that your doing what you need to do! Hopefully Friday you will get all the direction you need get away from the stress or, since you have the day off anyway make the decision to file for the RO. It must be so difficult to have him in and out and in and out and maintain your sanity. Best of luck Friday!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi PacificSunrise.....I've been wondering how you are doing. Can't believe that the baby is coming in just 4 weeks! Please keep us posted.
I so get what you are saying. I saw my husband for the 1st time two weeks ago and it really was very hard - and VERY sad. I honestly didn't know that it would be this hard but it really is. My counselor said that it's probably because I'm doing "my work" and staying with the feelings and not running from them anymore. Plus....it is sad for a marriage to end. It's sad to no longer have the family that we thought we would have....the family with the history and the hopes for the future.
My husband had been sober for 6 years when we split but his "recovery" never really happened. Without his drugs - he was one difficult and unpleasant man because he had not replaced them with any sort of spiritual practice. He's gone to counselling 4 times in 4 months, started drinking from "time to time", and no AA/NA meetings. Yet....he claims he is a "changed man" and I should give him another chance.
I'm glad that you got some of your things because if you are like me - money is REALLY tight. I know that you daughter misses her dad but I think that in the long run you are helping her to have a healthy future way more than you will ever know. When we stay with partners that are active addicts or abusers we teach our children to either become one of those or tolerate one of those. I already see such a difference in my sons....and that helps me to deal with the sadness.
I came across this poem today and it really helped me...and I hope that it will help you too. I know it's hard....but if we keep doing what we need to do then I know that the vast blue sky is gonna appear.....
Behind the hardness there is fear
And if you touch the heart of the fear
You find sadness (it sort of gets more and more tender)
And if you touch the sadness
You find the vast blue sky
I so get what you are saying. I saw my husband for the 1st time two weeks ago and it really was very hard - and VERY sad. I honestly didn't know that it would be this hard but it really is. My counselor said that it's probably because I'm doing "my work" and staying with the feelings and not running from them anymore. Plus....it is sad for a marriage to end. It's sad to no longer have the family that we thought we would have....the family with the history and the hopes for the future.
My husband had been sober for 6 years when we split but his "recovery" never really happened. Without his drugs - he was one difficult and unpleasant man because he had not replaced them with any sort of spiritual practice. He's gone to counselling 4 times in 4 months, started drinking from "time to time", and no AA/NA meetings. Yet....he claims he is a "changed man" and I should give him another chance.
I'm glad that you got some of your things because if you are like me - money is REALLY tight. I know that you daughter misses her dad but I think that in the long run you are helping her to have a healthy future way more than you will ever know. When we stay with partners that are active addicts or abusers we teach our children to either become one of those or tolerate one of those. I already see such a difference in my sons....and that helps me to deal with the sadness.
I came across this poem today and it really helped me...and I hope that it will help you too. I know it's hard....but if we keep doing what we need to do then I know that the vast blue sky is gonna appear.....
Behind the hardness there is fear
And if you touch the heart of the fear
You find sadness (it sort of gets more and more tender)
And if you touch the sadness
You find the vast blue sky
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses.
i am doing better today, still no texts from him, which is probably for the best anyways.
Ann - thank you so much for the encouragement. you have been there for me since the begining.
familydestroyed - to answer your question. all of last year we went back and forth. when i would find out that he was using, i would either leave w/ the kids or would make him leave the house. he actually lived w/ his friends and family for about 2 months. this time i was running errands and ran into him leaving his friends house (who is also a user) and it was clear why he was there, so by the time i finished all of my work (i have my own business) he was already home and i went w/ kids to my parents house. in a way it was a coincidence that he made it home before i did, but in a way it turned out good b/c i wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage by myself (he gets unemployment and can cover the bills). that was the main reason. since, i have gotten an apartment for the kids and myself and that works out just fine.
thanks for your posts.
mooselips - thank you for the replies. i kind of do the similar thing. when she brings him up, i just try to acknowledge it and not talk to much about it. if she says that she wants to go see him, i tell her that maybe another time would be better, etc. she is doing better than at the beginning.
thank you so much for the advice.
whyme123 - thank you for your encouragement and insight. you're right. we all move at our own pace and some days are better than others.
Kindeyes - i was glad to see your post. i really needed to hear those positive vibes. even after 6 months, by going to the house, i realized how much i miss it and miss him and miss our routine together. however, i also realize how messed up that routine was at times. now, looking back at things from the "outside" i can see how some things were unhealthy (me working at my sales business while he is at home watching tv or sleeping and not looking for a job, me being made feel guilty about not spending enough time w/ him or the family according to him, feeling guilty about not doing more when i already gave all i had, etc. etc.). i think a lot of us can identify w/ these feelings.
once again thank you for keeping up w/ me and making me feel better.
hugs and prayers to everyone. i know everyone is dealing w/ their own trials and keep up the good work.
love you all.
i am doing better today, still no texts from him, which is probably for the best anyways.
Ann - thank you so much for the encouragement. you have been there for me since the begining.
familydestroyed - to answer your question. all of last year we went back and forth. when i would find out that he was using, i would either leave w/ the kids or would make him leave the house. he actually lived w/ his friends and family for about 2 months. this time i was running errands and ran into him leaving his friends house (who is also a user) and it was clear why he was there, so by the time i finished all of my work (i have my own business) he was already home and i went w/ kids to my parents house. in a way it was a coincidence that he made it home before i did, but in a way it turned out good b/c i wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage by myself (he gets unemployment and can cover the bills). that was the main reason. since, i have gotten an apartment for the kids and myself and that works out just fine.
thanks for your posts.
mooselips - thank you for the replies. i kind of do the similar thing. when she brings him up, i just try to acknowledge it and not talk to much about it. if she says that she wants to go see him, i tell her that maybe another time would be better, etc. she is doing better than at the beginning.
thank you so much for the advice.
whyme123 - thank you for your encouragement and insight. you're right. we all move at our own pace and some days are better than others.
Kindeyes - i was glad to see your post. i really needed to hear those positive vibes. even after 6 months, by going to the house, i realized how much i miss it and miss him and miss our routine together. however, i also realize how messed up that routine was at times. now, looking back at things from the "outside" i can see how some things were unhealthy (me working at my sales business while he is at home watching tv or sleeping and not looking for a job, me being made feel guilty about not spending enough time w/ him or the family according to him, feeling guilty about not doing more when i already gave all i had, etc. etc.). i think a lot of us can identify w/ these feelings.
once again thank you for keeping up w/ me and making me feel better.
hugs and prayers to everyone. i know everyone is dealing w/ their own trials and keep up the good work.
love you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
lightseeker,
sorry to take so long to reply, but i was really glad to see your post and thank you for the encouragement. i appreciate your understanding. like you said it is really sad to go back and realize that there was really no change.
i am sorry about your situation, too. and you are right. money is really tight right now, especially since he is 3 wks behind on child support and no job in sight as far as i know. i'm not even sure that he is looking (it has been a little over a year since he got laid off).
thank you for saying this. it really helps me to hear the reassurance that i am doing the right thing w/ the kids. i think that is the part that i struggle w/ the most, even though he hasn't really made any legal effort to see them. i guess b/c i want to feel for him not being able to see them. i understand that it is his own responsibility, but still kind of like human decency makes it hard not to feel his pain.
once again, i just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your support and keeping me in your thoughts.
sorry to take so long to reply, but i was really glad to see your post and thank you for the encouragement. i appreciate your understanding. like you said it is really sad to go back and realize that there was really no change.
i am sorry about your situation, too. and you are right. money is really tight right now, especially since he is 3 wks behind on child support and no job in sight as far as i know. i'm not even sure that he is looking (it has been a little over a year since he got laid off).
Originally Posted by lightseeker
I know that you daughter misses her dad but I think that in the long run you are helping her to have a healthy future way more than you will ever know. When we stay with partners that are active addicts or abusers we teach our children to either become one of those or tolerate one of those. I already see such a difference in my sons....and that helps me to deal with the sadness.
once again, i just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your support and keeping me in your thoughts.
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