itsanewday2011

Hi - I am new here and a lot of you have been helpful for my recent thread. New dynamic and advice needed. My ex reached out to his parents (who have basically written him off) to meet for dinner this week. Ex "bcc'd" me on the emails and his response....ex's mom basically said she and ex's Dad have enough stress right now and can't meet with him and that they "hope he is getting the support he needs".

I feel bad for ex (and he bcc'd me on response). I assume that is the "manipulative" addict thing to do, yet I feel bad they aren't at least communicating with him. He has no support system - has lost his job (he was the prez of family biz - his dad fired him), we are divorced and he has no friends.

What should I do if anything? I just responded to his blind copy email to his parents (his email to them said "this is why I am depressed - I miss family". I responded and said "did you mean to send this to me"? I don't know what else to do. I sent the recent "sticky" to ex's mom with the info on "10 things to do if you are family of an addict".....

I guess all i can do is worry about my daughter and me? I know it is his relationship with his family - and they need to "come together" in their own time......

catlovermi

There are free community recovery groups in just about every corner of the globe where he could go if he chooses. He is not alone, or without support, unless it's by choice.

CLMI

PaperDolls

I think it's normal and ok to feel bad for him. Trying to save him or make him feel better could be .... not good, as you know. Pray for him.

As an alcoholic, I made my bed ...... I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. I spent years NOT taking responsibility and that helped me live in my denial world. Many alcoholics don't recover until they actually suffer consequences. It CAN be a good thing.

dollydo

He has burned all his bridges. His many bad decisions have left a wake of disaster. I do understand his parents reasoning. For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, his parents are entitled to a life of peace and don't need his crap disturbing their tranquility.

If I were you, I'd do nothing, go on with your life, your ex has done this to himself, it is his problem to resolve.

outtolunch

I love the BCC ....attempting to hook you into coming to his rescue. Absolutely nothing anyone can do for him that he cannot do for himself.

Loosing it all is a common consequnce of addiction. Nothing wrong with feeling sad about it. Does not mean you need to act upon your emotion.

itsanewday2011

I had emailed him and said "did you mean to send this to me"? He just replied back and said "yes, I wanted you to see why I have been having a hard time".

Outtolunch - you are right on - creating the "hook". I also hear "blaming" and not taking any accountability for his actions. I would like to say that to him but am just choosing to ignore the email.

I will see him tonight for our planned "visitation" with our daughter at the park. Will be interesting. We haven't seen him in 2 1/2 weeks.

Man, I love this support system- you all rock!

NotSoSmart

whenever I hear a story about the guy who "lost it all" I keep in the back of my head that there's a reason. Most parents don't turn their backs on their kids, for no reason. Most dads don't fire their son from the family biz, for no reason. Someone is usually not friendless, for no reason. you're not with him anymore, for a reason.

He is sitting on his pity pot, hoping for a lifeline. PaperDolls is right, there are many meetings out there with likeminded people who can help and support him if he wants it.

BeingStill

His parents' response sounded healthy and appropriate. He's obviously your ex for a reason. They may wish to be separated from him for similar reasons.

mayabee

NotSoSmart's post about addicts "losing" it all made me think of something a speaker from NA said at a Naranon day of sharing last weekend. He said that addicts don't lose jobs, cars, homes, family & friends, they give them away in exchange for using drugs. I'd never thought of it like that.

itsanewday2011

Thanks everyone for the comments. At daughter's visit with ex yesterday he brought up the email. I said "we are not talking about that" and left it at that. He did have a good visit with his daughter. The most engaged I have ever seen him. They rolled in the grass, played at the park - it was good to watch. Problem is if history repeats itself the consistency will last maybe 2 weeks.

Cynical - interesting point that you say he isn't "there yet". I think you meant in recovery. I would agree. I don't think he has been in recovery since the day he left rehab on March 25.

outtolunch

Really like the way this is presented. It's huge for someone to see the role of their own free will as the cause of the effects of addiction and/or codependency without blaming other people or the system or genetics.

Kindeyes

As the parent of an addicted son, I have to agree with Beingstill.

They have to do what is healthy for themselves. If your ex sincerely wants to mend bridges, he has some work to do. And it's HIS work to do.....not his parents.....not you.

He's looking to you for validation. If you give it, you feed the beast.

gentle hugs
ke