booboo626

My roller coaster life has continued since May of this year. More like I let it continue. I was allowing AB to continue using once a week. Doing anything I could to keep the peace in the house. Part of my peace keeping was using myself (I went into recovery 20 years ago, with only 2 relapses during those decades). All it was doing was just keeping the demons quiet, but they were circling us all.
I stopped vocally supplying the money for drugs in July, but i couldn't stop putting money in AB's hands. I kept hoping he would prove himself and not buy drugs. I don't know what I was thinking. When I put my foot down last weekend and didn't give him any money at all, he took my debit card and bought brandy and pills.
That was when I put the shovel down. I don't what to find out how much lower I can get. I know he has stolen before from me. I know he has done worse to me. But I had enough. I have made it very clear as well to him.
Wednesday night AB woke me up to talk. telling me he needs help, that he is scared of losing his family, that he can't do it alone. I listened, only answering him when he asked me if I loved him and if I wanted him gone right now. To which I answered "yes" and "I can't answer that".
I woke up thursday and just felt something was off. My gut is always right - Wednesday AB took his new $500 pad and traded it to his dealer for $100.00 worth of pills. Same he did with his new iphone in the spring. I don't know if he hid it well or if it is cause I detached myself enough that I didn't even notice he had used. LOL... I pride myself on being able to tell the second I walk into the room if he used.
i told Ab I appreciated him talking openly with me the night before. I told AB that I would support him in any way with recovery. We share a child - so i am forever bonded with AB. Him recovering is best for our child - which in turn is good for me. I ended it with telling him that it wasn't about me being there for him (as in a relationship). I told him I don't know if I could forgive him.
AB called his sponsor from early spring, and went to a meeting last night. I don't know if meetings are enough for AB - I pray his sponser is able to guide AB into the treatment needed to stay strong in his recovery. AB is a perfect poster child for peer pressure. I think he might need to go away into a controlled environment until he can build the strength to say no.
Looking back - it isn't about forgiving him. forgiving is for my own healing. I can forgive him - I have already forgiven him. but i don't know if I can forget. It has been 3 1/2 years of hell..... caused by his addictions and my addiction to him.

Farfalla

booboo626
I pray he gets the help he needs. Why do addicts deflect when called on their addiction by using the you don't love me, you want someone else, you want me gone type of excuses? I get that constantly. I try to verbalize I love you just cant be consumed with your addiction. He just never gets it.

LifeRecovery

This situation sounds pretty hard. What are you doing for your healing and recovery....for yourself?

booboo626

@life - staying focused on me and my kids. Right now I have mandatory overtime at work - so i have little time for much more. House cleaning has been making me feel good. I have the whole kitchen (including 4 junk drawers) cleaned out. This weekend I will start on a new room. My house is cluttered like my life.

@family - I hear that all the time too. I used to fall for it. Now it doesn't bother me.

dollydo

So, what is your plan? Are you going to continue supporting his drug use?

A child should not be raised in the home of an addict, it is very determental to their growth and well-being. Children carry their childhood into adulthood, and the child is already predisposed to the gene that carries addictive behavior with it.

Get to the bank, change your pin number and don't give it to him. Might be time to start thinking with your head, not your heart.

I wish you the best.