whyme123

By definition, forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. - Wikipedia

This topic was brought up in a meeting. I understand forgiveness is necessary and also subjective but I'm having a tough time embracing this.

Any thoughts on what forgiveness means to you & how you got to that place with your A.

suki44883

I look at it as kind of just letting it go. It doesn't mean you don't acknowledge that a wrong has been committed, but you choose not to allow it to be a focus in your life. It's like letting go of a wrong that was done to us in the past, but that doesn't mean we stick around and let it continue to happen. We allow ourselves to let go of the past and take control of our future. I'm not sure that makes sense to anyone but me, but maybe you can understand what I'm saying.

Kindeyes

Forgiveness (for me) is liberating. When I forgive someone for the real or perceived wrongs they have done to me, I let go of the pain or anger that holds me hostage. I forgive others to set myself free.

Forgiving myself? Much harder thing to do....particularly when others who I have hurt (real or perceived) want to remind me of those wrongs and demand punishment or restitution. I'm still not sure how to handle that but I'm hoping that working the steps will guide me to an answer to that question.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

Forgiveness is when I let God oversee punishment and mercy.

Easier said than done for me and it takes dedication. The strongest part of my DNA is known for retaliation and torture. My fear of the wrath of God and the legal system is thankfully stronger.

hello-kitty

Forgiveness has allowed me to move forward in my life without anger or regret. I've forgiven myself (and continue to, on a daily basis, for all my shortcomings) and I've forgiven my ex.

That doesn't mean that his behavior is or ever was ok or acceptable. It just means that it's not my problem anymore.

I've taken what I wanted from that difficult time in my life - and I'm grateful for the lesson - but I've left the experience in my past.

He is still the same. And that's sad. But I'm not.

LifeRecovery

I read a great book by Janet Abrahms Springs called "How Can I Forgive You and the Freedom Not To." I found out about her not from addiction work, but because of her work with affairs.

However this book was much more general and just helped to give me options to work on my own healing and forgiveness. I am not yet able to forgive the addict in my life that got me here, but I am working on it and seeing progress.

I agree it is about letting go and accepting.

Thlayli

Notice in the definition too that it is a process not an outcome. I'm not sure that we, as humans, can achieve forgiveness entirely. That may be the realm of an HP.

This is all very new to me. One thing that helps me is to realize that all of this stems from his own psychic pain and that, even when he lashes out at me, his intention isn't primarily to cause me pain. His intention is to ease his own.

I think in my very first post here someone wrote to me to remember that "his brain is a scrambled egg" (or something like that). Sounds funny but that thought has helped me tremendously.

sojourner

Forgiveness takes different forms in different situations. And it is not to be confused with reconciliation.

When it comes to forgiving others, sometimes we need to forgive when they have not acknowledged any wrongdoing. There's not much reconciliation there.

And here's something really interesting I read that a priest wrote on forgiveness - When someone who has harmed us asks us to forgive them, they should be also giving us the decision as to whether we will reconcile with them. In other words, they give us the power to reject them or not. Or they give us the power to decide just how the relationship will look (close, distant, superficial), and they accept that without trying to make us feel bad about that. What a concept!! I have talked to other people about that, and most people are very uncomfortable with that. But I am in total agreement! If my mother had approached me asking me to forgive her and then said, "If you want to go shopping, I'll wait for your call" and then actually DID wait for me to call or not call (and yet was very gracious to me when she did see me at other events), that would have been very empowering for me.

Hope that helps. If not, take what you want and leave the rest.

Chino

sojourner, that is what I was taught in my religion classes but we approached it as if we were the offender. Asking another for forgiveness was an apology and amends all wrapped up into one, without thought of reward (reconciliation). Forgiveness granted was never considered absolution, either, unless we sought it from God.

I suppose that's why I've not really had issues with forgiving myself for my misdeeds after a few days. I pursue forgiveness. I'll beat myself up until the pain of it forces me to seek forgiveness and absolution from my Creator. When I sincerely want it, when I've done a full accounting, I know it is given and all is well in my world again. I always pray for the person I offended, too. I know I can't remove their pain and I pray that God does. Forgiveness is truly a gift I'm grateful for.

Farfalla

I expressed to my friend how angry I was with GOD for allowing this to happen to me and not answering my prayers to cure my husband of his addiction. This is her response which really touched me and thought I would share with you all.
God is suffering and crying right along with you Mar…. he gives us free will…. He’s not a puppet master…. We all have the ability to change and get better… pray to the Holy Spirit to help your husband have the strength to change…

God loves you and me and all of us unconditionally… like the most awesome parent…but you know as a Mom… we can’t change our children unless they want to change… We cry when our kids make stupid mistakes… trust me that God is crying watching your husband.. you need to take strength from God now and heal yourself and your son. You can do it! The heartache is great, but God is near you – I promise you that.

LifeRecovery

Sojourner-

That is similar to what the book I mentioned talked about. Breaking those pieces out of the whole and examining all of them was very helpful to me.

bostonbill

my thoughts -


I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard a parent that had a child in early 12 step recovery say “I am going to enjoy Steps 8 and 9 as he/ she will make amends and apologize for all the wrongs committed during their drugging period.”

I urge them to stop waiting for that Amends Bus. The Amend steps were designed for the addict’s recovery not as something we should hold over our child’s head.

Does it make any difference in the harms that were inflicted upon your family? If your child is in recovery what was done to you is over ( If they are truly working the 12 step approach)

From what I read in other non 12 step groups, (Jesus Christ ,Buddah, whatever higher power you embrace ) it is bigger /better for us to simply forgive our child/spouse for the harm inflicted thus furthering our own spiritual health.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

I never presume to be able to think like someone in recovery but I would venture to guess they are probably sorry for the incredible damage they inflicted during their drugging period. They remember painfully the wrongs inflicted upon their family and friends.

I see my own son reflect on his drugging period. His drugging was in full force at a time when he would lose his mom to cancer. That is a reality he often struggles with in his own recovery.

If someone is truly working their steps I do accept their amends. The acceptance is not done for me but hopefully to help them move on in their recovery. I have gotten to a point ( after a lot of work ) where I have begun to forgive those that ransacked my home both physically and emotionally. It is what it is..

For me I had to say to myself ” get over it ..the iPods are gone, the checks were forged, your child’s name was slapped all over the front page …it is time to move on .

Moving on will help your recovery. Your parental recovery is truly something you can strive to improve

Thus…I moved on…I hope you can as well.

akrasia

I think if you're going to forgive, you have to do it wholeheartedly. That's why I do it so rarely!

My experience of forgiveness is the opposite of those described above. What's helped me to let go of past wrongs/wounds is to realize that I don't ever have to forgive. Some things are unforgiveable. I'm never going to be close with someone who's done something unforgiveable to me--I might even decide to never be in contact with that person again. And that's too bad, but that's my life and I deal with it.

And then I can move on to the important things.

fourmaggie

i just cant do it...i cant live with all that anger and resentments that i hold...i have to let it go...and forgive me for carrying someone elses crap!....this took me along time also...in turn for me, it turn into compassion...(i have my reasons for this area).....

but i can LET GO AND LET GOD deal with it....

splendra

For me to forgive means that I am no longer going to let mine or someone's else's past actions mess up my life.

tjp613

forgiveness to me is realizing that we all just do the best we can. I've made many horrible mistakes in my life, too. There is nothing good at all to be gained by harboring resentments.

TD252

How do you forgive someone who doesn't think they need forgiveness? I'm having a hard time dealing with my AW. She thinks that the addiction and our subsequent consequences were things that "happened" to her or things she "lost". Those are the terms she uses on a daily basis. Also, according to her thinking, these things just happened to her and not to me or our son. She tells me that sticking with her through the addiction, rehab and her short term "recovery" is just me doing what I am supposed to do accouding to our wedding vows. Nevermind the fact that her actions are continually against those vows.

I know that forgiveness is for me and my health, but I am really working on forgiveness but dealing with someone who feels like they did no wrong and are only the victim of unfortunate circumstance makes forgiveness seem all but impossible.

tjp613

It doesn't matter what they think or even know about your willingness to forgive. It's what it does for YOU.

If someone's actions or attitudes are causing you to feel pain, frustration, anger, resentment, etc. then that is your cue that forgiveness is required....in order for YOU to feel better and move on with your life in whatever form that may take. It does not mean you excuse the behavior and will roll over and take whatever they dish out. That's where boundaries come into play.

bluebelle

To me, forgiveness of others is something that I do for myself. For a long time, I said that I was incable of forgiveness and that only God could do that for someone. However, when I found out that my addict mom had attempted suicide, I suddenly found that I did not have room for resentments toward her. So, I guess for me, forgiveness of another is about letting go of my resentments toward them. I haven't reached a point of complete forgiveness of her actions, but I've started to accept that it is something that she owns. I will never know why she acted certain ways and so I am allowing her to take back ownership for her actions.