December2011

I finally told my 24 yr old addicted son, and he must move out in 30 days. I am giving him the 30 days, because (1) what is another 30 days when I have been going through this for years? (2) I can’t get him out for 30 days without an eviction notice in FL. (my son boldly told me I would need that to get him out, even though he pays no rent or bills). (3) This may give him time to find something.
I have had him leave in the past and it only lasted a few weeks to a few months. He would show up at my door in a horrible state saying he was ready to quit, and needed me to help. I have always caved and let him move back in.
I had a long talk with him a few nights ago (when I told him he must move out) and was able to let him know that he will not be moving back, and I will not be paying his bills, or loaning him money. I told him (through tears) that when he shows up at my door begging to stay or begging for money that I will say no; that it will break my heart, but it is what will happen. I just wanted to prepare him and let him know that it doesn’t mean that I do not love him.
As some of you know I was thinking about trying to get him into involuntary treatment, but have decided against it after careful thought. I talked with him about it, and he let me know that after the 5 day hold in involuntary treatment, that he will go on a nice long drug binge. I knew I was going to have to get him out of the house and that was going to be my last ditch effort at another rehab. He let me know that nothing I say or do will make him stop, and for the past 7 years that has been true.
I am tired of living at the “house of crazy.” I know I do not need to go into details about what goes on in the homes of an addict, I am sure you guys know.
I know that I am making him go for myself and for him. Why should he do anything when he has a place to stay and eat for free, and mommy to take care of him? I am hoping that being on his own aides him in hitting the bottom, but time will tell. I cannot protect him from dying of drugs with him staying here any better then I can with him moved out. If anything, his drug use has progressed since he has moved back in- from snorting Oxy to shooting it.
I will keep you all posted on the progress.
Thank you again for listening and caring

catlovermi

Yes, time to protect yourself. Bolt down any stealables, change the locks, expect him to pull something, as addicts pushed into a corner most often do. The fact that he threatened a binge after an involuntary hold gives hint as to what sort of mental state he will be in, cornered with nowhere to go, being put out. He'll be looking for anything to turn into cash, or revenge.

CLMI

December2011

CatLoverMi,

You are 100% right- plus I will be alone here, BF is going out of town on business for 3 weeks. The last time I had him move out he sat in the driveway throwing rocks at my door, dumped garbage all over the the driveway, threatened to burn down the house, tried to break in, and threatend to wreak my car. I am thinking of parking the car somewhere else for a while. I will change the locks, and secure everything as best as I can.

I never wanted to call the police on him. I was always worried about a record affectng his life, but I will have to do that if I am in danger, he is in danger, or he is destroying things.

I am bracing myself for the storm ahead. Mentally and physically.

Ty for the advice, it is appreciated

TMZ

I know How you are feeling right now. It is so hard. In fact the hardest thing I ever did.

As he told you there is nothing you can say or do to make him stop. (But in turn you don't need to make it posable either.) He must chose to quit all on his own.

I would like to say something to make you feel better about your decision, But who am I to say what is right or wrong in this situation. I just know in my situation, I did not want to be the one to have found my AS dead from an over dose. I am just a little over a month past telling my AS he had to leave. The pain is still there and I have no info on him. It is hard and all I can do is pray. {Let go and let God.}

At least you talked with him about it and you made it clear where you stand. You have now taken control of you and that is all you can control. Maybe with that he will take control of his own life.

Thank you for sharing, and please keep you posted.

suki44883

If he starts up with all that crap again, you can always get a restraining order against him and if he comes to your property, call the police. There comes a time when they may have to be forced to face the consequences of their bad actions.

EJG123

You may have to give him written noitce to vacate in 30 days and make a copy. If he doesn't leave, you may have to call the police to escort him from the premises. They will likely ask him if he has anywhere to go (friends, family), and if not, they should give him info for shelters where he can go. If he damages your house or breaks in, call police. You have a right to feel safe in your own home.

Chino

If you didn't file a legal eviction notice, please call your local PD or sheriff's office to find out if it's needed. It is where I live.

Prayers on the way for your safety and serenity, and for your son's recovery.

Chino

If you didn't file a legal eviction notice, please call your local PD or sheriff's office to find out if it's needed. It is where I live.

Prayers on the way for your safety and serenity, and for your son's recovery.

Hanna

An recovering addict recently told me that we *have* to walk away. He said his parents did, and that's when he finally started getting help. No matter how painful it is for us, it is the most loving thing.
You are doing the right thing.

December2011

TMZ,

Thank you.. your words do help a lot. I am feeling a strength inside myself that I forgot was there. Man, this is making me cry, and I just did my makeup for the day
Anyhow, I know I am coming to hard times, and I am going to hold on to this room for dear life.. I also am going to go to my first Naranon meeting tomorrow.

I don't know why I ever thought I could handle this alone.

I can imagine the suffering you feel because you are a month out and do not know what the Hec is going on.

And, it does feel better that I got to let him know how i feel. I guess I am hoping that somewhere inside he will remember my words and know I love him even when I am letting him choose to fall.

Thank you again,
D

December2011

SisDebbie,

Thank you, I am hoping for that. I know it may not happen that way, but there is hope, and those are encouraging words, because they come from an addict.

Thank you

December2011

Chino,
Good advice. I am a little emotional and it is easy to forget the things I need to do. I will get right on that. It is horrible to have to evict my own kid, and he will have that on his credit, but I know it must be done- as harsh as it is.

Thank you, Chino

December2011

EJG123,

Yes, thank you. I have compiled a list of county and state treatment centers, homeless shelters, and crisis hotlines for him. I am prepared to call the police if I need him escorted out.

I am going to make a list of everything I need to do to prepare for this.

My son has been violent in the past, and I know I need to prepare.

wow, do I miss the person he was- every so often I get a small glimpse of that person-- I know he is in there.

Again, thank you for the great advice.

it is hard for me to bring myself to protect/defend myself against my son-- I feel like-- if he is going to kill me in some alcohol and drug rage, then so be it. Sorry, I think that was probably the grimmest thing I have said in my life- wow.

Anyhow, that was a low moment.
Thank you

December2011

Sukie,

Thank you, I didn't think of that, but it is something to keep in mind if things become too out of control, and they may.

Thank you.

Hanna

It helped me tremendously a few weeks ago when I realized my brother was going to either have to stay in a shelter or sleep on the streets. We gave him the phone numbers and addresses of the local shelters and just left. It was so difficult wondering where he had gone, where he had slept. He showed up the next day at my uncle's place, said he'd gone to another shelter that he found on his own, and slept better than he had in years. He'd never been without a place to stay in his entire life and especially during his years of addiction. It was gut wrenching yet turned out to be incredibly good for him.

Just a few days later he was admitted to the rehab program. He had been on the waiting list, but was doing everything possible to delay his admission.

What helped me the most was the words of this man and of the admissions counselor (also a recovering addict) who told me with a shaking of his head and a kind of smirk "This is what you have to do. It's what they had to do for me and once they did I finally started getting better. It might be really hard on you, but it isn't hard on him. He doesn't care. In that state, we don't care about anything at all."

Letting go is so hard for us, but it is what they need the most.

Kindeyes

I've been there having to ask my son to make a choice....sobriety or move out. He chose to move out....but his memory of that conversation is that I "kicked him out". It is what he needs to tell himself so that he doesn't accept responsibility for his choice.

At some point in time we need to take accountability for our own lives and that is what you are doing. And you are allowing him to take accountability for his life. That is how nature intended it. It is hard. They are our sons.

Today......I am detached from my son. Honestly, it doesn't feel like "detachment with love". It feels more like "detachment from necessity". It doesn't feel good but it feels healthier. I am trying to recover from my affliction and he is not. As a result, I don't have anything resembling a relationship with him. It is sad. It hurts. But I cannot continue to sacrifice my life and joy waiting for him to change. He is in God's hands and those are much more capable hands than mine.

You and your son are in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

sojourner

I too gave my son a 30-day notice the last time. That was for me. Previous to that I had just said "You have to leave right now. Just pack some stuff, get in your car, and go now." That was just too hard for me to do again.

What I found in giving a 30-day notice was that, like any 3-year-old, he was not able to break down how to get an apartment and all the prep work. So I gave him shorter notices. For example, I said, "You have to go get applications for apartments and have them here by this weekend. If you do not then you will be out of here immediately after the weekend." Then I had to give another notice when I told him, "You have to decide which apartment you want and turn in the application by this other weekend, and if you do not then you will have to move out after that weekend." And on and on until he had accomplished the goal of securing an apartment. (Actually, I had accomplished that goal.)

Was it enabling? Heck, yes!! But that was way easier on me than just saying, "Out in 15 minutes." So obviously my son was not stealing from me or violent or stuff like that. And obviously at the time he had a job. Addicts are so unable to accomplish complicated tasks like that, at least my AS is.

Hope that helps.