Farfalla

I received 10 text messages today alone about how I led him on for 19 years and how he doesn't have a problem. He is texting he is almost out of his percocets anyway. Prescription was filled 9/8 for 120 pills. He also says he will be on Suboxen (which he gets off the streets) for the next two weeks. I am trying my hardest not to respond.

Chino

Your husband, with all his free will, is choosing not to hear the answer. I'm baptized and raised Catholic along with being raised culturally Native American. Here's a parable that ties it altogether for me, and is retold often in addiction communities:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Farfalla

Thank you Chino. It does tie it altogether for me.

outtolunch

It is very unlikely a court is going to order him to rehab.

Please consider seeing an attorney sooner rather than later. You need to understand your options and have a plan of action.

You need to know your financial position. Do you have an independent source of income and health care benefits? Is there equity in the house? Are there other financial assets? What other debt ? What can be reasonably done to prevent either of you from depleting assets or incurring new debt?

outtolunch

We can all appreciate this. And it will drive you crazy if you allow it to do so.

It does not sound like anything remotely productive is going to come out of continued contact with him. You cannot prevent him from texting and calling. You can however stop reading/reacting/responding.

Does it matter if he's living in motels or what his family chooses to do? Take the focus off him and what you don't control and keep it on yourself and protecting your children.

Chino

family, my qualifier is my daughter and thankfully she's in recovery, just for today. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I do my best to stay out of topics that involve spouses, unless there's something specific that speaks to me like your post did. I 'feed' my daughter now because she's working recovery, but I refuse to feed her evil addiction ever again. You've made the same choice with your husband and please don't ever doubt yourself. Please continue to feed the good inside yourself and children

hello-kitty

Hi family. I just want to welcome you. I was a drug user for years and addicted to crack. During that time I did whatever I needed to do to ensure that I could use drugs. I lied constantly and I manipulated others. When I didn't get what I wanted I threw temper tantrums in hopes that I would get what I wanted. That's just what drug addicts do. My behavior had nothing to do with my family. It just had to do with drugs. And the same goes for your husband. Don't take anything he does or says personally. It's not about you. It's all about the drugs right now.

It's important to remember these three things when dealing with an addict:

You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

We strongly recommend self care here. Focus on you and the kids. Being around an active addict can make us as mentally ill as the addict themselves. We become so involved in their psychosis and problems that we lose sight of reality and control of our own lives.

That's why we recommend al-anon. It can help you get your focus on back on taking care of yourself. Your husband is starting to feel some negative consequences for his bad choices. He doesn't like being confronted with his problem. That's why he's angry and that's why he is manipulating you.

He wants his old comfortable life back - he wants to use drugs in your home, under your nose and around your kids. I hope you stand strong and don't give it to him.

If you are interested in a helpful (and good) book on the subject with lots of helpful information and stories, you should look into Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beattie.

You have enough on your plate to take care of right now. Your husband is old enough to take care of himself.

Remember the serenity prayer:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't fix him. But you can fix yourself and your situation.

(((hugs))) Keep reading and posting.

Farfalla

Thank you Chino and hello-kitty. It helps to have a place to vent and people who understand because they have been in the same situation. I am scheduled to see an attorney on the 23rd to discuss my options. I am mentally preparing myself to loose my home. The mortgage note is in his name and the deed is in both our names. If he refuses to give me support well unfortunately I am prepared to pay the mortgage last. His credit will be destroyed not mine. He is vindictive and I refuse to beg or feed into his crap. I have had enough. Three years ago I was hurt beyond belief. I was 140pounds overweight and over the past three years I took a complete spiritual, emotional and physical inventory. I work out. I eat somewhat healthy (lol) most of the time and over the three years built up my self esteem and lost the weight. He always says "you think your hot now because you lost all the weight and are dumping me". I don't look at myself as hot by any means but I am happy with what I see in the mirror now. My friend told me to respond "you could of had a hot wife but chose drugs". I didn't respond. I get accused of having a boyfriend everyday I work out. I laugh because isn't he the one who cheated on me! Really, the last thing I want in my life right now is yet another man. LOL!

angie4

I heard a pastor speak once on answers from God. What he said made sense to me. Sometimes God waits until the very last second to give you answers. If he gave them to you right away you wouldnt realize they were coming from God. Its only when a mieracle is needed and the answer comes that you are sure it was he who gave it to you.

And maybe the answers are right in front of you. Could it be that the solution is just to hard?

Farfalla

Yes I imagine the road ahead will be very hard for me.

tjp613

Hi family and welcome to SR!

I am here because my son is an addict. He's actually in rehab right now, but that's another story...

I just wanted to share something with you...it was the feeling of shock when I first came to SR, read about 1000 posts and it finally dawned on me that no matter WHAT I do, I have absolutely no control over my addicted son and he will use if he wants to use. I mean, I came to SR looking for ANSWERS, man! These people were not giving me the answers I was looking for!!! Oh, it was such a hard period in my life (and still is) when I realized my son might very well destroy his young life by using drugs and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

More importantly I realized that there was nothing to be gained by being so enmeshed in his problems that I might very well be dragged down with him, emotionally and financially. If I was to be of use to anyone at all, I HAD to take care of myself first.

Wow -- how sad that is that we cannot rescue another from their own choices. See, but that's just it! -- the choices are THEIRS to make!

There's a bunch of sayings around here that have helped me stay centered but two of them really helped me in the beginning:

1) Let go or be dragged
and
2) His problems are not my problems!


I'm just glad you're here. Stick around. We care about you.

paprika

Hello, big hugs for you. You are about at the point I am and good job getting there so quickly. I've been dealing with this for about 10 years and it's still hard to think of divorcing him. You deserve happiness and peace of mind and don't forget it.

Farfalla

Thank you tjp613. I am happyto hear your son is in rehab. I pray he follows the program.

Has anyone had any experience where a child begins to emulate the addicted parent? Reason I ask is because my 13 year old experimented with pot. He came clean right away and I am now drug testing him frequently. My pediatrician gave me a stack of urine drug screen prescriptions to spot test him for the next 50 years! I was devastated. Immediately my son and I went to therapy. His father didn't address the situation at all. Well how can he since he gets high. But I remember the day so vividly...as soon as I picked my son up and he came clean on what happened he said to me "my father gets high". I mentioned this before but last week in therapy the doctor said to my husband before he stormed out how did it make him feel when his son said that to me. His reply was "i'm established i'm an adult". I thought to myself at that moment this man is suppose to be a role model to his only son. This is not the role model I want for my son. My husband was 14 when he first started smoking pot. He is 39 now. Is this the life I want for my child? NO WAY!

Farfalla

Are you still together paprika?

whyme123

I can't contribute more than what has been posted already but read, read, and re-read all of these posts until you believe it. It really isn't personal.

One great thing (& I'm sure you don't feel this way right now) is that he's out of the house. This allows you at least some quiet to focus on yourself and what will help you get through this! In 3 months since my AH has been out of the house, I have worked so much on me. Try a meeting or a counselor that works with addiction, it really helps to get help from people who understand.