How taking care of ourselves matters, no matter what the illness..
 

I first joined SR to find guidance on how to deal with my (then) addict husband. Now I'm posting because I have found that, even though I might be dealing with things besides addiction, I always need to remember to take care of myself.

I feel sad. I feel guilty. I feel powerless.

My brother has a mental illness. It astounds me how similar addiction and mental illness are - the denial, the lies, the "insanity", no pun intended. What has helped me through this, so far, is relying on what I've learned on how to take care of myself, detachment, and setting boundaries. Yet, I still don't feel good.

The hardest thing has been helping my dad, who has no experience with any of this, understand things like enabling, detachment, and boundaries. I try to speak from ES&H but it's hard because addiction and mental illness are not entirely the same (...?). I want so badly to help my dad, but he isn't yet ready to hear what I'm saying...but I'm still saying it.

I feel guilty for saying and thinking that we, as a family, need to start detaching because my brother won't let anyone help him. He won't listen, much like the addict. He can't see the reality as we see it, much like an addict. He sees the "truth" in such distortions, that it is hard to explain what is real. He manipulates so easily, that he can't see how destructive this is to himself or to our family. I feel my dad needs to not bail him out of jail because my brother is not healthy enough to understand the choices he is facing and is not ready to make sound, logical, SAFE choices for himself.

For myself, I'm relying on the tools I've learned to help me through this. Yet, for my family, I can't get passed the guilt of saying things they don't want to hear or aren't ready to hear. Am I even saying/thinking the right things??

For my brother, I don't know how to say "Get help or I can't help you". I can listen, but that doesn't help because, like a narcissist, my brother feeds of sympathy and he needs someone to cosign his....feelings.

I know this is a forum for friends and family of substance abusers, but I can't help but look for thoughts and guidance here. Mental illness seems so misunderstood in society, much like addiction.

Thanks for reading...

Part of the experience that made me aware of my loved one's addiction involved a very good friend of mine. He was drinking and she was starting to actively struggle with a mental illness at the same time.

The experience was crazy making for me, because I allowed it to be.

My exH has not found recovery, but my friend has. We are still in each other's life, but I have different boundaries with her now. Similar to those I learned with Al-Anon regarding detachment, taking care of self, etc.

Thinking of you.