Bonny

You are so right. I do wonder if I am crazy. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You sound like such a sweet person. You don't deserve this. Sending you hugs.

Bonny

He has since admitted that it was a stupid thing to say and he didn't mean it. He doesn't want another wife, he wan't me. Honestly CC, you should hear him when he's in withdrawal. He would argue that the sky is green and the grass is blue if it meant he could have a joint

People who think this have never seen a stoner going cold turkey. The sweats, headaches, the body pain and the insomnia. These are all physical effects - not mental. I've seen the living proof it's physically addictive.


This worries me too. his friends are worse than him and do not look after themselves at all. I'm so worried they'll die young

I know. Everyone on here is being so helpful. It's great to have people to talk to about all of this. Hugs backatcha

Bonny

You are so right about one thing - he is self medicating. He recognises it himself.

But I have seen him sober. He quit for a year and it was the best time ever. During that time I got seriously ill and he was my rock. He was by my side in hospital and he cared for me afterwards when I couldn't do anything for myself.

Why does anybody fall in love with who they do? One thing I haven't mentioned, but I think I must, is that I have a past with drugs myself. I was never badly addicted, but 've done them all (apart from heroin) and been to some dark places. So maybe I have a bit of a different perspective than some of the people on here.

When I met him, nine years ago I was a mess. But I am five years clean now. If I can do it, why can't others?

Bonny

QUOTE=December2011;3099786]
Be careful. I am saying this as a person who grew up with a father who was addicted to alchool and valium, and with a mother that enabled him. He died when I was 21 due to complications from drugs and alcohol , and I haven't spoken to my mother in years.

I know that his addiction became worse and worse with each passing year, and it pretty much distroyed my childhood.

I know my story is extreme, but I am just telling you what can happen in a worst case situation.

[/QUOTE]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Hugs to you.

I would never forgive myself if I brought kids into the world and they had to go through the same. I can see he isn't ready to have children right now, the thing is that I have a condition that will make it hard anyway - so unless he gives up everything it's probably not going to happen. So it's probably for the best. After he's been clean for a while, and I see how it goes with his recovery, then we can re-assess the situation.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry that you've come at a time so close to your wedding and the experiences that are shared here aren't very encouraging. But you've come to a place where there is so much collective wisdom on the issue of addiction from the perspective of recovering addicts and people who have spent (what feels like) a lifetime loving addicts.

Let's take drugs and alcohol out of the picture. If you marry him, can you accept him as he is? You cannot change him. You cannot control him. As Ann said (and this has been repeated hundreds of times here on SR) If our love could change them or make them stop using, none of us would be here.

If you are unable to accept him as he is, you are setting yourself (and him) up for a lot of heartache and resentment. You have choices that no one here can change or control....only you can do that. And you will live with the result of those choices. That's just the way it works. If you marry him, I hope you are able to marry him with the knowledge that he may continue to use and be ok with that.

Marriage is pretty much a WYSIWYG situation. I've been married twice. Once to an addict (for 5 years of he77) and now to a wonderful healthy man (for 26 years). The difference is like night and day. Marriage is a relationship that works best as a partnership. When one participant enters a marriage with the full knowledge that they want to change the other one....that isn't a partnership.....that is a precursor to war.

We share our experiences here on SR but we cannot predict your future based on our past. I wish you well whatever you choose to do. I wish you happiness and serenity.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

He quit one drug and replaced it with another -- alcohol and lots of it. Using and abusing is not sobriety.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am one to tell u real quick to run for the hills. we can not control any one but ourself. once u r married it is harder to get out of. it is also a known fact a girlfriend has more influence on a guy than his wife. they seem to think they do not have to impress or respect.you can not change him at all married to him or not. i begged my EX daughter in law not to marry my son. she did it any way & watched him go down. it only got worse. 10yrs later she finally had enough of it & left with there daughter.take a break, u do not have to get married now. marry him if u want to just not now. prayers,

LifeRecovery

Bonny-

I heard many of the same comments that you are hearing. My exH meant them too, each one of them when he said them (I don't think he was lying to manipulate).

It has only been in the last little bit though that I realized that there was never ANY action on his part to match his words.

I am reading that you have known him for nine years, and he was clean for one of them. I don't know all of the history and I ask this with loving kindness but for you are his actions matching up with his words during this time?

Bonny

Kindeyes what a great post. Everything you say is so true. I want with all of my heart to accept him as he is, but it's hard. I am a bit of a control freak, and have recently got super healthy - doing sport, totally cut out drinking and eating super healthy. Part of me is expecting him to do the same, even though I know that's not fair. I have ordered Co-dependant no more as I suspect from the little bit I've read that I may have issues in that area.

Bonny

Oh gosh, is that true? I thought it would be the other way around! Really I didn't expect anything to change in that department if we are married...

It is really starting to sink in what everyone is saying - I can't control him and I can't change him. I think I really did believe both of those things even if I didn't want to admit that to myself. I am a quite stubborn strong minded person. If I make up my mind to do or not do something (eg - giving up cigarettes) I just do it. I think my fiancé should be the same and I get frustrated when he's not. I know that's not reasonable.

Bonny

It's hard because he keeps telling me he will get himself together after the wedding. I know that's a bit of a gamble on my part to take. Why should it be any easier that it is now, right? He has said he will try again on Monday...

In the nine years I've known him he has gone from "I will always smoke weed" During which I prepared to give up and leave the relationship (without telling him) to "I hate being trapped by it and I want to quit." (Without any nagging or prompting from me.) I left him alone with his addiction and he had that rock bottom moment and then quit. Since his relapse I've been piling on the pressure, there have been tears and arguements. I need to let go like I did last time.

The majority of people on here are (with love) telling me to run for the hills, he'll never change. And maybe that would be easier. But I've loved this man for nine years. I can't help cling onto hope.

dollydo

You can cling onto the hope without marrying him. Marrying him will have the opposite result, he will not get better, he will get worse. It becomes a game of the mind, he says to himself, I've got her, she married knowing full well that I was an addict, what did she expect? You say, I married you because you PROMISED to stop using, you didn't. Once married to an addict you have given away all your power.

That piece of paper you so desire is nothing but a financial agreement, once you sign on the bottom line, the debts he racks up in the future also become yours. If he drives while stoned and gets in an accident, the monitary consequences now become yours as well.

To me, you are playing with fire, try and not get burned too badly. If you do go forward with this marriage, please consider not comingling any funds, set up one checking account to cover the household bills and keep the rest separate.

Read other posts here, many are losing their homes, filing bankruptcy or are in real financial straights, all due to their husbands addictions.

Take Care of you,

LifeRecovery

Bonny-

I understand the hope and the love. I actually understand the wanting to stay in relationship with your loved one....as I did the same thing for many years. I am in no way trying to tell you to stay or go in this relationship or marriage (that is not my place, and it does not work with me so I suspect it won't work with you). I am trying to offer some of my experience, strength and hope to what has helped me to heal. Sometimes looking at something from a new angle allows us to see the light.

For a long time though him saying he wanted help, and to get better was enough. I am just coming to realize though that him saying that did not get him better, him saying that was the motivation for me to stay in the same patterns with him. It kept us both stuck.

I began to change when I realized I needed actions from him that showed me he was TRULY interested in recovery. Those did not come and that is when I started to really make changes on me that impacted the relationship.

I have known my exH about the same time frame as you have known your loved one. I now love him from a distance, and for me, right now that is what is safest, the most sane etc for me.

On a side note. It was after we married that my concerns about his drinking truly came to light. I choose not to have kids with him as a result. Sometimes that is anxiety provoking for me (I am 34 and no where close to being ready to be in a relationship). I realize that by the time I am ready and have a loved one in my life that having my own biological children might not be an option for me. I am grateful though that with all the drama of the last number of years that I did not bring children into the relationship, for "their" sake.

hello-kitty

He loves drugs. You love him.

There's a great post on here about healthy love vs. unhealthy love. I'll see if I can find it for you to read. You may see yourself reflected in it.

You are choosing to marry a guy who thinks drugs and alcohol are more important that you. You will always come second to his drugs, his friends, his booze... I wish you the best. I wish you strength and dignity.

Glad you are ordering Co-dependent No More. It's never to learn that we have no control over other peoples choices. We can only control ourselves and our own choices.

Oh yes you can. You are not a victim. Hope is not in charge of you. You are in charge of yourself and your actions. Hope is just a word to describe a feeling of wanting something to work out really badly. It's not an action. It's not in charge of your life.

hello-kitty

Taken from Joy2U (there's lots of really good information about relationships and taking care of yourself on this website.)

http://www.joy2meu.com/Toxiclove.htm

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Freedom1990

That hope is a locomotive bearing down the tracks, and the train wreck is coming, guaranteed.

You've already made up your mind, and despite what any of us say, you will do what you are going to do.

I spent five long hellish years clinging to hope and nearly lost my life in the process.

I certainly lost myself, and it only got worse, never better, as time went on.

Fasten your seatbelt for a very bumpy ride.

Thlayli

Haven't finished reading but felt like I needed to respond to this. Marijuana is most likely far less physically addictive than most other illegal drugs (and some legal ones) but there are lots of behaviors that can get out of control that revolve around things that aren't physically addictive.

I worked in addiction programs for the past 15 years (and yes...still not smart enough to not have married one). Marijuana is far and away the #1 problem besides alcohol...and for similar reasons, I think. Too many people feel alcohol (beer in particular) is safe because it's legal. Too many people believe that pot is safe because it's not physically addictive.

My AH will sometimes admit that alcohol is a problem for him. He will not stay away from marijuana for any length of time though.

Believe it or not, I don't think marijuana is all that bad for some people. I don't personally get much out of it (from having tried it many, many years ago). I do see though that AH cannot seem to use it recreationally. He only buys it every 3 or 4 months. He always says he's only going to smoke it occasionally. Apparently "occasionally" means "only once or twice a day until it's gone." Then, yes, he's fine without it for a while. To me, wanting that buzz daily signifies a problem. Also the fact that he's a depressed jerk for 3-4 days following his typical 3 week long daily use won't get out of bed, snaps at everyone for no reason, etc. It's consistent with physical withdrawal sx from marijuana...even though it's relatively mild compared to withdrawal from other drugs.

Rant over

Now I'll re-read the original post to see if I can offer any insight.

Thlayli

You know what though...my AH just made up his mind to quit and he did. Complete abstinence for almost 2 years...then he decided he could drink occasionally. The drinking became daily (but it was okay because it was only 1 or 2) and then he thought he'd smoke pot occasionally too. I didn't fight about the beer until the binges came...and then gambling along with it. here I go...careening off my point.

I guess my point is that he probably can "just do it" but he doesn't want to.

My AH can do it and has done it. That hasn't stopped him from going off the deep end recently and deciding that using is more important than our life together and more important than his son. Not exactly what he had in mind I hope when he was not using and wrote his wedding vows 2.5 years ago

kiki5711

this is a perfect idea.! You'll be showing him that you love him, but YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT TRUST the addiction, therefore you are making a plan. THis, I think will help him make better choices (hopefully) in the future!

Thlayli

This thread has struck a chord with me obviously. I just thought of a couple of other things to say to the OP.

Please realize where you are when you are reading our responses to your post. Of course you are going to get warnings here. This is a support board for people whose lives have been negatively affected by other people's substance use/abuse. There may be people who have perfectly happy relationships with people who abuse substances. They probably don't need support groups though.

By the same token...listen to your inner voice too. What led you to think you might want to post in this forum.

All the best to you. Thinking about you and sending good thoughts.