learningtofly

I am half way through the book Codependent No More, been on this board for a year and a half and i have attended about 20 meetings. I have often been left with the questions "Why do you stay?" after hearing someone speak at a meeting and after reading a post.

I heard a lady say "My AH is now retired and is now starting to drink earlier in the day and he is home all the time now so that means I need to attend more meetings" and she kinds laughed about it.

I am confused by this. For me being codependent means I need to manage myself and how I let things affect my happiness. It DOES NOT mean I need to just change my perspective of my AH so that it is now OK for him to use in my home. That is what I felt the lady was saying when she said that. Like she was saying oh well if he's going to drink more, than I better work on my attitude about him drinking even harder. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I felt that she was being a doormat and that was a codependent action itself!

Why do people stay in relationships with addicts? There are so many other people in the world to be with. Is it because of religious beliefs that they feel they can't ask for a divorce? Is it because they said for better or worse and they feel guilty about it? Do people just keep hoping they will recover?

I'm sorry but I don't understand staying with someone for 20 years and they have been trying to stop using for 10 of those years! I have been aware that my AH has been using for almost 2 years now. He got clean about a year ago and has now relapsed about a month ago. I feel like I am done. Then i look around at other people whom have stayed for ssoooo long with their addicted spouse or so and wonder why!

Sometimes I think that naranon and codependent no more is saying . . . oh just focus on yourself and don't let the addict bother you. Enjoy the good times you have with the A and just learn to ignore the rest (including their active addiction.

Am i taking this the wrong way or does other people feel like this too?

lilotto

When you ask about others staying in a dysfunctional relationship ask yourself as to why do you stay when your significant other is bringing you down. Is it love, guilt, hope, commitment, or fear? Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships because they are afraid to accept the truth and make a decision and the can come up with an unlimited amount of reasons to stay. Search your heart and look for answers you may get lucky to find some answers.

Chino

For me, it all boils down to changing my circumstances/perspective. If changing my circumstance isn't possible for whatever reason, then it's up to me to change my perspective. I have to make peace with all my decisions.

hello-kitty

I'm confused. Aren't you still with your addict husband?

I stayed with ex because I was convinced he wanted to change and because I was scared to leave. So insecurity combined with my know-it-all control freak tendencies had a lot to do with.

Why do you stay?

Justlizzyd

You can read 100 different books on the subject and you will a 100 different opinions on the subject. What is the right way? Even with 12 step it gets confusing because off all the different opinions. That is why I backed off from another forum and stopped reading and basically stopped getting help for myself. I felt I was getting worse not better. However, no one, man or woman, needs to be a doormat for anyone.

learningtofly

My post was really a two part question.

First part was about living with an active addict for many many years and the codie still saying they just need to work on not being codepedent. I was questioning weather that in itself was codependent!

Secondly I was saying that now that I'm on round 2 I am ready to leave. I do see alot of poeple who stay, and stay for long periods of time and yet their A is still using. I was just trying to get some insight.

I stayed because I was hopeful my AH was going to stay clean. I stayed because we were married and had a child. I felt as though we could work through it if he was serious about getting help.

After hearing people share their stories and write their posts. I was wondering if i was missing something. How do some stay hopeful for so long? 5, 10 and 15 years

Lovestoomuch

Everyone is different. Some stay due to financial reasons. Some stay out of obligation. Some stay out of fear. Some stay out of love. Some stay in a constant state of delusion. For me....when the fear of staying became stronger than the fear of leaving....I was out of there! No one can tell anyone else when enough is enough. They have to figure that out on their own. Wondering why anyone does anything is a waste of energy and sometimes leaves you with more questions about your own recovery. No one's is the same. Just my opinion.

milo88

I think people stay with addicts for the same reasons anyone stays with anyone - maybe there's still more ups than there is downs, there's still more love than there is indifference, there's still more hope than there is despair.
I stayed for too long probably. I'm not sure now if I regret it because I did love my ex and I still felt more alive with him than without him. I don't think I was a doormat!
No love is perfect! I know plenty of people who stay with their partners in really bitter situations, with no addictions involved, because they still don't really want to leave!
In my case, even though my partner had a pretty bad problem and a lot of things were wrong, I did still love him. I really did love that man - for all the other things he was - funny, intelligent, warm, my best friend.
An addict is a person who has a problem. Not all addicts are the same, and not all relationships with addicts are the same.
People stay because they want to, people leave for the same reason. It only matters what YOU want to do in your own situation. Just because some things are similar doesn't mean all things are!!!

Freedom1990

I don't know why people stay so long. That wasn't an option for me.

I don't take a front row seat to anyone's alcoholism/addictions, including my 33-year-old AD.

dollydo

I don't have all the answers, however, in my various readings is appears to me that main reason people stay in a toxic relationship is a simple four letter word:

F antasy
E xpectations
A ppearing
R eal

I read here so often these fears expressed mainly by women:

Fear of being alone.
Fear of having to support the family.
Fear of not meeting another man.
Fear of their addict getting clean later on.
Fear of their addict building a life with another.
Fear of others knowing "The Secret".
Fear of feeling guilty when jumping ship.
Fear of not being in control.

There are many more fears that apply.

I would also say that unfortunately most women are preprogrammed to believe that they must have a man in their life in order to be whole. Their primeval urge to hang onto a man overshadows their common sense.

Just my two cents.

learningtofly

This is so simple but so true. Some times it's just a matter of weighing out the good and bad.

Dolly - You hit the nail on the head for me! All of those fears I can relate too!!!! wow

Freedom I think I am with you. I don't think I can do it either.

I can understand both sides a little more clearly now. Why people stay and why some go.

I love SR! You guys are awesome : ) Thanks for some clarity!