squashblossom

I can see something, but I can't feel it: I am resisting somehow taking the good advice on these forums to heart.

I WANT to take it to heart. I KNOW a lot of it is sensible.

But I also feel, and a little voice is saying, "Hey, they do not understand MY addict's special circumstances! These other addicts, well, sure, do the tough love on THEM, but MY addict is too precious!"

Now I am fighting the two battles, feeling lonely because the good advice doesn't go into my heart, and feeling so sad and scared from discovering my son is addicted to opiates!

Maybe this inability to quickly take it to heart means something bad! I feel so alone!

suki44883

Keep reading and posting. If you are truly honest with yourself, you'll see that the stories you read here are very similar to yours. Your alcoholic is not unique. He's an addict just like ours was. But, you won't accept that until you are ready. Again, keep reading and posting.

hello-kitty

Welcome!

I found that when I look for similarities in a situation, I find them. However, when I look for differences I also find them. I guess it depends on where my focus is and what I want to see.

Why don't you try going to an alanon or naranon meeting? It's a support group for the family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. It's support for you to help you deal with the chaos in your life that may be caused by someone elses drug or alcohol problem.

Also, Co-dependent No More is a great book. Maybe you'll recognize some of your own behaviors in there and find some of it useful in your situation.

dollydo

To be honest, you are resisting because you really do not understand addiction. You believe that a mothers love can conquer all. You are in denial.

Yes, your son may have other issues, however, many addicts have underlining mental problems.

You will do what you are going to do, no matter what we say, that is your choice. We can only share our experience, that's it.

I would say that this board is a gold mine of experience, you can decide to accept what we have to say, or, continue to believe that your son is unique.

Would suggest that you hop on the recovery train for codependency, meetings will help you.

Just my two cents, take what you want and leave the rest.

pandypoo

Squashblossom....I can so relate to you. BUT.....I went to my first Al-Anon mtg today and from the first person to speak I heard stories EXACTLY like mine. I have resisted going for so long but I felt good hearing others share the same thoughts, feelings, activities etc as my situation.

outtolunch

When I came to this forum back when, my daughter had more dual diagnosis than you can shake a stick at. She was unique and not like other addicts. And I was going to beat her addiction.

By reading every post and back story and sticky on this forum, I eventually realized that there was nothing unique about my daughter's situation or my own belief, at the time, that I had the power to snap her out of addiction.

I eventually decided to save myself and let go of her and the outcome.

She eventually made the decision to stop and she did. It was more of a timing issue than anything else. Everyone she knew into drugs was either dead or in prison. She was homeless, carless, phoneless, unemployed, friendless and likely knew what she was going to have to do to support her addiction. And so she saved herself.

tjp613

I know exactly what you mean. All I want to tell you is that I had those exact same blinders on that led me to believe my son was "different". HA. Turns out he is a textbook opiate addict ...who eventually chose heroin as many opiate addicts do.

Read all you can about opiate and heroin addiction. Prepare yourself. Get your head out of the sand. That is my best advice because anything less will only help to dig his grave.

coffeedrinker

squash,
you are new to this.

it takes most of us a bit of a struggle - time and exposure to new ways of thinking - to fully accept the situation.
and acceptance comes in stages, it's not just from zero to 60 in a few weeks.

you are doing fine.
you are seeing the battle, and trying to understand and recognize what is going on.

i'm pretty sure you're on just the right path, the right timeline.

welcome here.

caughthiminject

when i went to al-anon, i listened to their stories and thought "wow, their men are way more messed up than mine". sometimes i questioned if AXBF really had a problem or not. maybe i was over-reacting? his mother went with me to that al-anon meeting and then she said she didn't think he was nearly that bad. the fact is that all our fights in our relationship have come from his drinking. he's lost several jobs from showing up drunk. he had 4 DUIs before he met me. he was (and maybe still is right now) an IV speed user. yeah, MOST of the time he was okay, sucking on his daily 6-12 beers and watching tv. but his compulsive spending, depression, anti-social personality, and just being flat broke at 34 were signs. maybe he's just not gotten to that point we see in the movies where someone is homeless and covered in meth sores or something - but there's definitely a problem. i didn't want to see it. i still don't want to see it. to me, he's my special schmooples who makes me laugh and takes me for pancakes on the weekend and camping and fishing. he's the one who loves his little munchkin and is happy with cuddles on the sofa. i don't want him to be the guy i caught shooting up. i don't want that.

TMZ

(((Squashblossom)))

It is ok to feel sad, and to hurt it is normal. But you are not alone ! We are here for you I/we know how hard it is. You will know what and when to do something when it is time.

Allow me to share my story;
Six yers ago my son attemted suicide. He was high on cocaine and went ti the dark side. He took a raserblade and cut both wrist. Luck had it a friend went over to his place to see if he wanted to see a movie and called an ablance.
This was the first we learned of any drug use. We got him help, a Phd and put him through rehab. We though he was cured. But then a few months later he relapsed only with another drug. I went through detox with him and bailed him out of his troubles. Back on his feet and with another good job he again relapsed. By this time he stoped seeing the Phd. and was using a mixture of drugs as well as snortting heroin. I took him to the hospital because his detox was going bad. He was detoxed in the hospital and two days after he got out of the hospital he stole my computer and traided it for drugs.
We fought and he just ran from his troubles. Now it was time for him to feel his concequences. I had started attending al-anon meetings and found this site and have learned a few things. I told him not to call or come home till he got help.
A year later (two months ago) He called and was jobless, homeless, hungery and had started a MMT {Methadone Mantanice Treatment} through a state funded clinic. Now this son is my only natral born son I have three others adopted. How can I turn him away he is my son and he seamd to have hit bottom. Besides he did find help, although I don't really like the help he chose. So yes I took him in and learned all I can about the treatment he had chosen. With the methadone if they use heroin it can kill them.
I have always had and always will have the standing rule NO drugs in my house. Well a month ago I found he was broke again and asking for money again. I looked in his room only to find drugs and needles. That was it As he had broke the standing rule and he was not helping himself. I was not going to be the one to find him dead in my house because I allowed it. He had to go. We talked and I explained this time I don't want to here from him till he is one year clean. I took him to the busstop and told him I loved him and I pray he find his way to sobriety.

It was and is the heardest thing I did in my life.... I had to let go and let God. He is also his son too. And now I know how he felt giving up his son for us.

I hope you find some understanding in what I went through. I hope you truely understand I did it out of love for him and not frustration or anger. It has only been a little more than a month and the hurt is still here and I pray daily for him to find the light. I am now very active in Nar-anon and her at SR to help others that feel the confusion and hurt that dealing with an addict can cause.

mayabee

Many addicts suffer from "terminal uniqueness" - they are convinced that their addiction is different, that they're special, that their situation is more complicated, etc. Think we can have the same sort of delusions, However, it is amazing how similar the stories are - among addicts and among their family members and friends. When I go to Nar-anon meetings I find myself nodding my head in recognition - with a few details changed (maybe the addict is a daughter or spouse instead of a son, maybe the drug of choice is different) their experiences mirror mine. It's eerie.

Just like addicts, who will get clean on their timetables, not on anyone else's, we have to find our own path to recovery. Maybe something we read or hear will mean nothing at one point in our journey, but suddenly it will resonate and we are able to act on it. Also, sometimes a recommendation that worked for one person just doesn't fit. The good thing is that you have started on the journey to recovery.

LifeRecovery

If it is any help it took me close to five years after understanding my loved one was struggling with addiction to start to get help for me around it.

The last 18 months have been so much easier for me than the time before that. Being around people that understand makes a huge difference for me.

Looking back though I was not ready any earlier than I was ready. The feelings I was having around addiction (for me a lot of it was denial) was protecting me at the time. It kept me safe. I had to drop that safety to start to get help (which is really scary).

Ann

Your post reminded me of when my son went to his first rehab, shortly after admitting he had a problem with crack. I figured that in 30 days he would be cured and we'd all live happily ever after. And when his addiction counselor told us, at a family support meeting, that relapse was a very real possibility I remember SAYING (not just thinking) "You don't know my boy!"

And that's all okay because that was all I could handle at the time. I think if I knew how long and hard this road was going to be I might have driven us both off the nearest bridge. Thank God I didn't. I learned one day at a time and when I was broken enough, I found recovery...and not a day sooner.

I found CoDA and Al-anon and I found SR. And I listened and learned and listened some more. I saw people who had something I wanted, Serenity and Inner Peace, and I had no idea how to get it but knew if I stuck around long enough I'd find out. I did and today I would not trade one day of my life, good day or bad, with anyone. My son is still lost in his addiction and I give his care to God each morning in prayer, then I go about my day living it well and embracing the joy and peace I have found.

You will be okay, I promise. It takes time and it takes facing the pain square on and walking through it...but just know we are all walking with you and are here for you every day.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another.

outtolunch

You nailed it. Our fantasy of terminal uniqueness seeks to protects us, not them.

outtolunch

I remember SAYING ( not just thinking) " You don't know ME

Ann

:rotfxko

Oh Amen, Sister. I really really really really thought I had the power...the power of all power, that of a mama...to fix this "little mess" we found ourselves in.

Oh lordy, save me from myself, lol.

Thanks for the reminder.