Mrsoptimist

So the house is ours and worth a lot less than we bought it for. If I were to leave with the kids, obviously I could not continue to pay mortgage and rent on a new place at the same time AH wouldn't be able to afford on his own either. How do you leave without totally ruining your credit? House would get foreclosed, right?

Leaving sounds so tempting. Esp after tonight, when he gave me the "if you don't have sex with me I might as well go back to using drugs, and I might as well cheat on you too." like hell I'd have sex with him after the verbal abuse he's been dishing out. And then he tells me I am the one being abusive by refusing to have sex.
If I left, where on earth would I go? And the kids- I would be taking them away from their home. My home- that I have put so much time and love into. The thought is overwhelming. Why can't he just leave and let us stay here?

Ann

You might want to get legal advice on how this works in your area.

That said, losing your home or even declaring bankruptcy so you can start fresh without any debt (your credit takes about 3-5 years to rebuild) may be a good thing when you are looking for a fresh start.

Again, I think you could use some good professional advice that applies to your area. Nothing is worth remaining in an abusive relationship and abuse tends to get progressively worse so please be careful and stay safe.

Hugs

Farfalla

I have been married for 20 years. I have two children. One in college one is 13. I asked my husband who is an addict to leave. He keeps stalling. The deed is in both our names but the note is in his name only. I know he can afford the house on his own but he is not disciplined enough to pay the bills. he will blow all his money on drugs. My credit will not be destroyed but losing my home of 20 years is really sad. I contacted an attorney. Walking away will not affect me now but once any proceedings start it may have some impact on household contents. I have to meet and discuss this a little more. We sleep in sep. rooms. Me and my children are in counseling but my husband will never go. I have had enough. I will probably move in with my parents and of course the kids come with me. He is addicted to drugs both prescribed and non prescription. Buys suboxen off the streets of Camden. Found cut up straws so I believe he is crushing and snorting his percocets. He denies it is an issue. Smokes weed everyday, all day. This is taking its toll on my health. Any advice anyone has it welcomed.

MsPINKAcres

I hate that both of you are going thru this horrible situation - it is heartbreaking and stressful -

I hope that both of you do seek legal advice - from my experiences it was greatly needed.

My situation went from bad to worse when I left - it took a long time and many court dates, paycheck being garnished, bankruptcy, loss of my home, over half my home furnishings, lots of attorney fees and so much more to finally get that piece of paper with the word DIVORCE on it.

BUT I will tell you - it was worth EVERY TINY PENNY to be at the place I am today!

HAPPY, JOYOUS and PINKFULLY FREE!

I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road than to go back to my dream house and live with my ex ah. And it was my "Dream house" ~ now it sits empty most of the time when he serves stints in jail -

Today I have a DREAM LIFE in a real happy home. there's a big difference. The material things mean nothing - the Inner peace and SAFETY mean the world!

I wish you both the best as you search for what is the right path for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita

ItsmeAlice

There is a saying that if you leap, the net will appear. If you instead wait for the net, you'll be hanging on that ledge forever.

While it may seem unrealistic to just run with no plan, I'll tell you that for me it wasn't so much about having a perfect plan to leave, but rather making the decision that I did indeed want to separate and move on with a new life.

You can search back to my threads and read how it all played out. At the time I felt my HP had given me a push off a very rocky ledge and I still think that's true. What I see now is that I was waiting for my net to appear and that push made it so. I made the decision to leave and even started on what I thought would be months of preparation to get there. In truth, I might have hung on that ledge indefinitely. I got that push and with the leap came my net, and now my life is rebuilding.

Take a chance and talk to an attorney or counselor who can give you sound advice on the finances. It's going to seem insurmountable, of course. If it wasn't you would have left already. It's that steep climb out of the depths that keeps us down there. If you really want out, you'll take the hurdle head on. I sure did.

Hugs,
Alice

hello-kitty

Eventually I determined that my dignity and self-respect was worth more than any house or possession I owned.

You can't put a price on sanity.

lightseeker

I so get what you are saying. The best advice that I have is to talk to a lawyer....at least for a consultation. There is a great website that I used a lot.... the Rosen Law Firm (in N.C.) They at least have some educational pieces that can get you started. You do need to check out the laws in your own state though.

I stayed in my marriage for 5 years due to my house. I tried to preserve "my home" for my kids and my financial investment. It took me a long time to wrap my head around what to do. My circumstances were that I finally moved out. Then...due to a weird confluence of events have moved back in (without my husband). I am going to seek a loan modification even though I understand it will impact my credit some.

Nothing is worth your sanity - and I almost lost mine by trying to save my home. I just don't think that it is worth it. I should have talked to a lawyer way earlier than I did - at least then I would not have been afraid of the boogey man. I had more options than I realized.

My husband threatened me with that "if you don't sleep with me card". I hated the whole thing. That's not love in my book....it's just pure-t abuse. I will be the firsst to tell you that it's not easy but the longer you wait to do something the greater your regrets will be when you finally do something.

One more suggestion......get in touch with a counselor at the domestice violence center. That helped me more than anything else in the world ever did. If I had not made that call I can also guarantee you that I would still be sitting here miserable in an abusive and unhappy situation.

Keep posting....you are asking good questions and exploring your options....

pandypoo

Many cities have transitional housing facilities/programs designed to help women get back on their feet. Some are free or very low rent for a period of time. I volunteer at one in the DFW area and know that it can be a true lifesaver. Maybe there is something in your city toallow you to get away and get a fresh start. Good luck to you.

newnormal4me

I was in a similar situation...sounds really close actually. I didn't want to lose everything I had worked 20 years for. My husband was a mess, not carrying his financial weight at all...I was paying the mortgage, but he refused to leave.

I was able to gain possession of our house through court proceedings. My suggestion would be to definitely consult with a lawyer before you do anything. I found a way around my situation. It seems to depend on the state you live in. Good luck.