Symmetry

My brother called me today. I didn't answer the first time but should have known better the second time.

I feel bad because I told him to get off the bad decision rollercoaster, I already gave him everything and he threw it away etc. (He called to tell me how crappy his life is:homeless, no food, no money, no job.)

I can't take care of him. My heart wants to and I learned the first time around. I just have this feeling he's never going to change. I feel like he's blaming me because I won't let him live with me. My emotions are all over the place.

He's been in and out of jail and prison. He smokes pot and drinks alcohol. He was in a sober living but left it for a job that didn't pan out. Before he took the job I told him he was putting his housing at risk. So when he called me today another thing I said to him was I TOLD YOU SO!!!! Real mature. I know...I feel like my whole day went down the crapper.

needed to vent so bad Thanks!

Steadwell

When I was ten years old, I took a water oriented lifesaving course. The first lesson was about protecting yourself first. You can't help anyone when your own safety is in jeopardy.

Somehow, there has to be a balance between how much you can give and how much is reasonably expected of a sibling, or any family member for that matter.

Tough love is just that - tough!

Also, a change of perception may allow you to realize that it can always be worse. Nirvana is only a fantasy!

Take care of YOU!
Steve

outtolunch

" Bummer" can be an incredible response when when faced with a "woe is me" kind of person.

tjp613

Another appropriate response would be, "Yes, I can understand why you'd be so upset! What are you planning to do about it?"

I'm trying to get that one permanently installed in my cranial auto-responder.

cc88

Your best shot is not having to respond at all. Picking up the phone just opens your ears to guilt trips, manipulation, lies, etc. etc. Remember this the next time his phone shows up on your caller ID.

ACOAHappyNow

You have the right to consider your own safety and happiness and health and not just be a person who gets used by an addict. :codiepolice

Kindeyes

It's really tough to love someone who seemingly can't seem to get their act together. We don't do them any good "showing" them how to do it by doing it for them.

Love your brother. Hate the disease. And take care of yourself first.

gentle hugs
ke

hope213

you did the right thing. he had a place to stay, he had a job. maybe he will hit his bottom if not so be it. take care of you & keep coming back. prayers for your brother & u too,

Symmetry

Thank you all so much. That was really great advice. It's good to have tools to help stay patient. Mostly, I felt like an ass. I really feel that I have a responsibility to those less capable than me. Even if all that means is showing a little compassion. I just love him so much

I sent him a text message apologizing. He didn't respond but I'm sure it meant something to him. Or at least I hope it did.

Thanks again. I am so greatful that I can count on the very best advice from my SR Fam. You guys rock

dbh

I'm in a similar situation. My brother is not an addict, but struggles with a mental illness that I think was exasperated by growing up in a dysfunctional home.

For years, my entire family tried to "save" him by telling him what he should be doing. I've come to realize that we're the people that are least fit to help him and may be actually preventing his recovery.

My brother and I are both in our forties. I think if I had the power to help I would have been able to by now.

He has recently broke contact with the family and I'm truly hoping that it's a good sign. I'm hoping that by not being surround by people trying to save him, he'll finally figure out that he needs to help himself.

I still love him and I pray for him daily. His life and how he chooses to live it is one of many things that I can not control.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

Symmetry

My brother is mentally ill as well. So completely caused by my our dysfunctional family. I'd pretty much bet my life that's where most illness are created. I think my brother is more addicted to making bad choices than he is addicted to substances. Ugh.

Is there a thread to talk about how much of a crazy person your mother was? Haha

December2011

I know how you feel- the dreaded phone call!!!

It has wreaked many good days for me.

Hang in there.

Hugs

squashblossom

Aiieee, this is so hard! I know the advice is good, but it is very hard to take it to heart, the heart is full of pain for the loved one, addict or not!!! I think knowing about boundaries is great, but it doesn't automatically "click" you know? There's just so much ongoing PAIN.