learningtofly

This last week I have tried to "turn over a new leaf" I went to counseling on Tues, I started back to naranon on Wed. and then went to church today. I stopped seeing the man that I was having an affair with and have not spoke to him since last sunday. It has been REALLY hard to not talk to the other man. I feel so disconnected to AH.

AH is also making steps to try and work his program. The last 7 days he has attended 3 NA meetings it would of been 4 but one was canceled when he got there. He started reading the bible and he also went to church today. He's trying to be so extra nice and do things around the house. I don't know that i believe any of it. I really just try to ignore him. I honestly won't believe any of this "new" attitude until it has been going on for along time. In saying that I then start to feel bad. The waiting game to see if it's all real just makes me sick. I want to get on with my life . . put this behind me. In away I feel that I want to just run away from the problem . . is it running away or is it my gut telling me I need to move on hhmm

I am working on me and trying to focus on my program, but at the same time I feel that my marriage is STUCK! We are still living together. He sleeps in the guest room and does work alot so he's not here all the time, but when he is it is to awkward. I don't feel that I want to be around him. I am disgusted with him and his past behavior. I don't feel love for him. He makes me uncomfortable. To make things worse now in the last week he has started trying to kiss my butt. He tries to hold my hand and rub my back . . .I don't want him to touch me. I just want to scream when he does!! Anyone else experience this?

I don't think he has used drugs in the last week. There has been no signs or reasons for me to think he has. I know at some point I have to make a decision whether I want to stay married to this man. I just haven't made that decision yet. I don't want to play house with him and give him false hope so I'd rather not say anything to him until I make up my mind. On one hand I think i should try to talk to him and let my guard down and see how things go but then on the other I want to stay angry and mad if I choose to leave so that way I can get through it easier. Does that make since? It sounds kinda crazy but i know what i mean lol

How does one make a decision like this? It is so hard!

My mom says that is why alot of woman these days are single is because woman have just decided not to put up with their **** anymore lol She says there is always going to be something you have to put up with it just depends on what you are willing to!

I know what she is saying and I look at my AH and he is so good in so many ways . . I then wonder if he got clean could I love him again and get over this . . and would I even want to live with this my whole life. Then I can't help but to doubt and question my judgement uuuggg I wish I had a crystal ball.

dollydo

I think your mom hit the nail on the head. When its over, its over.

I agree, just sit tight, watch his actions and when it is time to make a decision you will know it.

Take care, keep wprking on you.

WiltedLily

I know what you are saying. There have been many times that after my AH has used, he has felt guilty and does the same thing. Clean house, try being lovey, etc and all I want to do is yell and tell him to get the **** away from me. And then there are those times after a good while of sobriety that I do want that closeness and love that we had shared before this awful disease. But I still shy away, knowing that more than likely, when I do give in, I'm only going to get hurt again. I'm hoping after him (and myself) getting help, and after a long time of healing, things will get better and we can start again. But that's all it is..hope. I've learned there are no promises. I'm also hoping that Nar-Anon will help me with these issues. Best of luck to you dear, I wish I had answers..it would make it so much easier, wouldn't it?

Freedom1990

At one time I never could imagine life without a man in it. It was just beyond my comprehension because I was neck deep in untreated codependency.

Today I live by myself, no significant other, and I love it. The house is quiet when I get up in the mornings. I let the dogs out and make coffee.

I sit at the computer drinking coffee and read my daily meditations.

I answer to no one. I can come and go as I please, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

When I am gone, I come home to a house full of four-legged love that makes my heart sing.

I've come a long way since that sick woman who couldn't step outside of her dysfunctional, sick comfort zone of being enmeshed with an A.

LifeRecovery

I don't know if this will be helpful or not.

When my ex and I were in the process of trying to recover from multiple addictions and issues in our life we made an agreement in terms of time. We said we would see how we felt in six months. We were both doing counseling together and individual, I was doing Al-anon, reading on recovery etc.

For me this decision helped to remove one stress out of my life. We could extend the time frame out as needed but I did not have to make that decision on day six when I had five months and three weeks left to decide.

We did not make it the six months (my ex's behavior choice). When I realized what was going on though I realized my decision had been made for me. My boundary had been broken, and it was something I could not live with.

Chino

I'm not willing to put up with any of my husband's **** and I honestly lost some respect for him when he put up with mine. I've been working hard at making amends he hasn't asked for, and have faith the respect returns as I gain my self respect back. Neither one of us have active addictions though we both have addictive personalities, and we've been married 26 years.

learningtofly

Something is different this time around. A year and a half ago when I found out AH was an addict I was devastated but I was in love with him and I was trying to help him and fix everything like a good codie should do. I loved him and wanted everything to be OK. Somewhere in the last year I lost that love. We had problems and started to not get along.
Now he has relapsed and when I found out I was heart broken and felt that this is how it is going to be our whole lives.

I did not feel like OMG what are we going to do I have to help him . . it was a calm but very hurtful feeling of . . I don't want my life to be like this!

I wonder if the other man has played a role in this! I do think about how my life would be with him. I do think i would date him if i do choose to leave my marriage.

Liferecovery 6 months sounds like an eternity to "work on my marriage" with someone that I don't even feel love for. Did it feel like that for you too?

Anvil my therapist said the same thing that my switch is off! That is the big question . . is it possible to get it back on? I really don't know that I want it back on. Do I want to start loving an addict again? Is it easier to just go ahead and leave now since I don't feel the really bad hurt that alot of people feel when they have to walk out on the addict that they love. Is this the perfect opportunity? Sometimes I wonder if the "other" man was put into my life to make me realize what a mess my current situation is hhhmmm so many questions.

I made an agreement with my therapist to have no contact with "the other man" for 30 days so that i could see if there was anything left with AH. I think I will stick with the 30 days. If I still feel nothing than I will more than likely ask AH to move out. I think I will stick with this . . that is as long as he is still not using and is working his program.

Does this sound reasonable? I still can't help but to feel so guilty. I feel that all of the weight is on my shoulders . . everyone is waiting for me to make a choice. My son is who I worry most about. : (

Chino

I think it's reasonable because it requires you to commit 100% to figuring out what you want. Since you're wondering if this man brought certain things to light... Figure out what all those things are and if they're healthy sustainable things for the marriage you want. Figure out if the man you're married to is capable of providing what was missing. Was he ever? Have you been ignoring these things inside yourself or are they new discoveries? Has your husband shown an ability to grow with you? What's negotiable and what isn't? So many questions and they're really all about you.

chelsey00

I experience this all the time. It's so hard, even when they are clean, to forget everything they did to you in the past. Drug addicts get ballsy, very ballsy. I can't even begin to explain all the stuff he pulled on me, like making me drive him to a drug dealers house to get "pot" for his friend and selling it for more, getting a profit off it...but in reality he was in the back shooting up heroin with his junkie friends. Just disgusting to me still, sometimes I cant even function because I just think about all that he did and said to me, it's just repulsive and I don't know if I will ever be able to move on from those memories. Makes me look at him differently sometimes too. It's hard, very hard. You are torn between your love for the person he CAN be when he is sober, but you have this dark cloud over your head all the time always on edge just waiting for him to screw up again. What kind of life is that?!

LifeRecovery

Karrie-

Six months was okay for me, but the background was a little different and there were not kids involved. I got to pick the time frame though so I think whatever time frame you need is just fine. Just having something helped to not feel like I need to "decide" the rest of my life that day. That was making me crazy.

I don't know if writing my story will be helpful for you or not, please feel free to skip over it if not. It will help me so here we go.

Two weeks after we married I realized how alcohol played a role in my new hubby's life. I had had concerns prior to this, but it was not until we had already bought a house and gotten married that it kind of erupted, and I kind of saw the light. He struggled with binge drinking so it would not be a day in day out problem, but an occasional issue. Regardless it was scary for me. He would not be violent toward me directly, but he would at times harm himself, and would feel really down about himself with his use of alcohol. He was incredibly unpredictable when he would drink, so I never knew if it was going to be a laid back evening or if it would end with a trip to the ER.

Meanwhile I was working on my own recovery (for a number of years before we got married on an eating disorder). Though I actually did okay regarding the actual drinking on his part (not getting involved, placing boundaries for myself etc), I acted very codependantly in the rest of my life. I "took on" his problems and kept repeating to my counselor..."I will work on the relationship when I fix myself first." For a number of years she had told me that we were beyond working on eating disorder stuff and I just did not understand. Now I do. First I took what he was saying when intoxicated as cathartic for him, and his truth...kind of like me crying and getting it out in therapy. Secondly I was still struggling with a lot of hard feelings which I thought were related to my eating disorder...in actuality it was me trying to work his program. I could not get rid of his hard feelings for him, and alcohol could not do that for him either. Duh, I know now it seems so simple!

Then I found out that during one of my husband's drinking episodes he had had an affair. The affair for me was a blessing in disguise. It broke me out of my denial of what was mine, and more importantly what was not mine. I immediately stopped seeing myself as the broken one, and him as the perfect one (because of my history). I got into Al-anon immediately and started to realize that the "relationship" problems were not all my fault. What a relief! The affair came out when I was getting ready to leave for a three week vacation. That was a blessing to. I got to focus on my needs without being distracted by work.

We started to see a marriage counselor, he started individual counseling and got diagnosed with ADD, I started to read books on addiction and on affairs, and between that and Al-anon wisdom learned that because of the life changing nature of where I was hasty decisions were not recommended. I started to realize that though I did not grow up with active addiction most of my mother's family and a lot of my fathers had. There had not been a lot of recovery on either side. Since I had never experienced anything like this before I decided to take the advice I heard and that is where I got the six months from. What is six months at 34 years old but a drop in the bucket to deal with some long-standing concerns?

My husband stopped going to individual counseling, was not actively working a recovery from his drinking, and got back in touch with his affair partner at about four months. Once I realized that his actions were not demonstrating work on his recovery I realized my decision was made for me...it did not matter what words he was saying.

Was I "in love" when I made the decision to stay six months, absolutely not. Honestly it has been about 17mths since it all hit the fan and a little over a year since we decided to seperate and it is only NOW that I feel like my anxiety, hormones etc are starting to normalize out. I don't remember much of the past year or so. I did not get REALLY ANGRY at the situation until about eight months after it all erupted and there was not room for love when the anger hit, and we were already seperated by that time. I have no idea if we were together if we could have made it through that.

I don't regret the six month decision though. I gave it my all, and I needed that because regardless of if we stayed together or not I needed to know I had worked my "LifeRecovery" as hard as I could or I would regret it down the road.

I struggle with being lonely at times, and I seem to be reworking the stages of grief again (though I have not made it to the acceptance phase). I struggle to have fun, I struggle with the lessons thrown at me over the last number of years. I am grateful for my willingness to work recovery though and the knowledge of self I have gotten from all this. I know I am a better person today because of it, and that for me is worth whatever time it takes.

Yikes this is a novel, and I don't know that it relates to your question at all about the six months....since it will take you six months to wade through it (hee hee). I don't know about your relationship, but I know you are worth your recovery.